Perfection

I want to be perfect. I need to be perfect.

If I'm not, then what good am I?

Dancing the white swan has always been my dream, ever since I first saw Swan Lake with my mom when I was twelve.

But not the black swan.

It didn't appeal to me. But I would play that part just so I could stand there, perfect and beautiful and dance elegantly with my prince.

He says to just let myself go, to live a little. But he doesn't realise I am living.

I try to live in perfection.

Rehearsing the steps over and over, until I'm sure I've got it right. Not stopping even when my mom says I'm perfect, not stopping for anyone who tells me I'm perfect.

The only person I can trust with judgement is myself.

Swooping left and right around the stage, searching for freedom, trying to break the curse.

Believe in it, Nina. Believe in it.

You are the white swan, you are, and you're trying to be set free. You've lived your life with this curse, this sickness, which needs to be set free.

Go, Nina, go! Find your prince, find him, before it's too late! You don't have forever!

And then…

It stops.

He's gone. The black swan has taken over him, taken over me, ruined everything. I can't go on. I can't cope.

Why God? Why do this to me, after all I've done, after all I've been through? My life is over.

My life is not worth living.

Why should I live? I matter to no one. I live in fear and despair. I don't see why I should go on.

I'm going to kill myself.

In a way, me and the white swan are very much alike. We will both die for what we believe in. she would die to free herself.

And I would die for perfection.