Why Do You Hate Me? by Emachinescat

A Merlin Fan-Fiction

SUMMARY: Merlin is at a loss to explain why nearly everyone who writes fan-fiction about him wants to see him suffer and decides he's going to write a letter in protest to his outrageous treatment. "Dear Fan-Fiction Writers/Readers..."

A/N: I just happened to think of this after writing To Write a Fan-Fiction. What if Merlin got fed up with always being picked on and decided to do something about it? Here's a letter he writes to all of us guilty Merlin-whumpers (I'm probably the worst, lol!) trying to plead his case! Haha, not that we'll listen, but it'll offer some amusement nonetheless. Enjoy and please REVIEW! :)

Why Do You Hate Me?

Dear Fan-Fiction Writers/Readers,

You really are a sick, demented group of people, aren't you?

No offense, of course – I'd never want to offend the people that have somehow been given the power to control my life. Not that you could make my life too much worse.

Don't get me wrong – most of you are very good writers. You use exciting verbs and descriptive adjectives and some of you even do research for your stories. Most of the time the story flows brilliantly and you only misspell a few words a chapter. It's good stuff. Impressive. I'll give you that.

But here's my question – what have I ever done to make you hate me? I know, I know, I've heard the lot of you – and I'm looking at you here, Emachinescat – insist that you actually love me. But if that is the case, why do you insist on doing terrible, unspeakable things to me?

Isn't it bad enough that I was chained up, stung by a Serket, poisoned, thrown against a wall (TWICE!), and knocked out in the show? I still have a scar on my back from that giant scorpion! But no, you positively insist on adding more wounds and bruises and rope burns and who knows what else to my collection.

You have shot me with arrows, stabbed me with swords and daggers, poisoned me, tied me up, chained me to walls, punched me, drugged me, kicked me, choked me, burned me, beheaded me, made all my friends turn on me, and that's just the beginning. You've turned me into a child, you've made me a woman, you've transformed me into animals, I've been turned into monsters, I've turned evil…

I'm not trying to complain – really, I'm not – but is a little compassion too much to ask? I've already got the weight of the kingdom on my shoulders as it is. It really doesn't help that you people are constantly trying to kill me and torture me beyond human endurance. Have I done something wrong? Do you want me to be more manly? Do you want me to be invincible, to kick butt, take names, and never, ever come to any harm? Are you trying to make me stronger, impervious to torture? Is this some kind of test? Do you want me to come out of it more powerful than ever?

Or do you people just have a sick, twisted desire to see me in pain? Do you relish my screams? Do you roll in my tears? Is it too much to ask to demand a little slack? Perhaps a slight vacation. A trip to the spa. ANYTHING.

Why can't someone write a fan-fiction where nothing bad happens to me? I don't get hit or made fun of or trampled or drowned or strung up or flayed or crushed or even get so much as a paper cut… Can't you make a story about how I find a cute puppy and take him home with me – without the puppy turning savage and mauling me, only to have Arthur rush in, save the day, and panic over my prone body? What about one where I pick herbs for Gaius – and no one, not bloodthirsty bandits, not a wild, savage beast, not even a horde of screaming fan-girls attacks me? I'd even go for a story where I get to stay in bed all day – without being sick or injured or incapacitated in any form or fashion!

Do you think you could handle that? … I thought not.

One last time, I urge you – if you love me, show me mercy! Stop making terrible, unspeakable things happen to me! Let me have one day – one minute, even – without getting pummeled or attacked or decapitated… and you READERS – stop reveling in my misery! It's just plain rude! Do you see me reveling in your pain when you stub your toe? Or when you pull a tooth? Or pluck that stubborn nose hair? (Okay, I have to say, I did quite enjoy that last one, but the point still remains.)

With love and well wishes,

Hoping you'll stop trying to kill me brutally with every new chapter/story you read/write,

Your personal punching bag,

Merlin

A/N: And just so you know, the only specific person I was poking fun at was me… because when it comes to reading and writing Merlin!whump… I'm guilty as charged! :P Hope you enjoyed and please review! XD

~Emachinescat ^..^