Mission

Summary: Sam picks up one of the Supernatural books...and learns some things about Dean he never knew.

I'm quite interested in the possibilities of the plot premise -that Sam reads something in the Supernatural Books about his brother that he didn't know (well, it's easier than trying to get it out of Dean) - so if anyone wants to play with this idea I'd LOVE to read other stories that contain that concept. Consider it a challenge if you like ;)

Spoilers: Spoilers for Seasons 1 and 2, and I think S4? I can't remember exactly when Carver Edlund comes onto the scene, but spoilers for that, obviously.

Warnings: mentions child abuse- but it's not graphic, and I'm trying not to make John an unsympathetic character too. I'm trying to keep him in character - you'll just have to read it and see what I mean :)

Sam looked around the library, quickly working out the layout and getting down to the familiar task of researching. He picked up "Occult: Through history" and "Reference to Folklore" and sat down. After a couple of hours, he sat back for a break and scoffed to find himself sitting right opposite a shelf of Supernatural books. He shook his head. Reaching over he grabbed the nearest one and idly flicked through it. His eyes paused when they saw the word "Dad" and he sighed slightly nostalgically, skimming over the passage.

"I'll tell you one thing - we're lucky we had Dad" Sam said.

"Never thought I'd hear you say that" Dean said truthfully.

"Well after mom died, a little more tequila, a little less demon hunting...and we would have had Max's childhood."

Dean paled and tensed slightly but made no other outward sign that the words had affected him. He hoped against hope that Sam didn't remember the first couple of years after their mom had died. He didn't quite trust himself to speak so he let Sam continue.

"All things considered, we turned out ok. Thanks to him."

Dean turned to look at Max's house. Thank God their Dad had made things right, and sobered up with Bobby's help. He remembered the day his father had looked him in the eye and sworn never to hurt him again. If Dad hadn't fought that very first demon, would he have turned out like Max? It was almost impossible to imagine. Thank God for Dad, he thought again. He smiled slightly.

"All things considered." he replied, as they got into the Impala heading to their next motel. He wondered if Sam would feel differently if he knew about those early years. But if there were any chance at all of Sam and Dad getting along with one another, he'd encourage that as much as possible.

Sam shut the book sharply, in shock. Could...that be true? He remembered the scene playing out just the way it had in the book...he took a couple of shocked breaths. His mind was spinning. Dad had hit Dean? His heart was racing as he left the books on the table and walked in a daze back to the motel room. He sat there, waiting for his brother, waiting for his mind to catch up with him and process this whole dimension of his family's life he'd known nothing about.

Struck by an idea, he rang the one person who would know for sure.

"Bobby, it's me, Sam"

"What is it Sam?"

"I uh... did...did Dad ever hit Dean?" he decided to cut to the chase rather than explain why he'd been reading a book about his own life. Besides, Bobby would always prefer straight talking.

There was a resounding silence on the other end of the line. He prompted a reply "Bobby?"

"Sam. After your mom died, John was pretty broken up. Man was a wreck. I understood what he was going through, having lost my wife an'all" Bobby sighed. "He came to me when he realised what he was doing...that he was hurtin' ya brother. It wasn't easy, but we got ya daddy cleaned up eventually."

"So it's true." Sam whispered.

"Yeah. It's true. What's brought all this up Sam?"

"I read it in the Supernatural books...I just...didn't believe it...why didn't Dean ever tell me?"

"You'd have to ask him. Last time I saw your daddy, he and Dean'd just come in from a bad hunt, had to kill a child who'd just been turned by a vampire. John was real angry. After gettin' himself all wound up over nothin', he raised a hand to Dean and I told him to get the hell off a my property. That idjit brother a yours never fights back against ya dad. I know John was real sorry, and Dean defended him - saying he wasn't a kid anymore, and John was jus lettin' off steam, but after what happened before, I just couldn't see it happen in my house. Maybe Dean was right and I was just over-reacting, I dunno. But my feeling is that boy needs someone to watch out for him - cos the damn fool ain't gonna do it himself. "

Sam swallowed, taking in the new information. After a pause he said "Thanks Bobby." and put the phone down. His brother entered the room at that point, food in hand, looking totally relaxed.

"Hey. So what did you find out?" Dean asked casually, referring to the case.

"A lot." Sam replied absently, still trying to process the information and work out how to approach this.

"Hey Sammy, what's the matter?" Dean put the food down on a table and analysed his brother, concern expressed openly on his face.

"You...you never told me that Dad used to hit you." Sam raised his eyes to Dean's.

"Whoa- that came out of nowhere." Dean said, taking off his coat and grabbing the food. He chucked Sam his sandwich and took out his own, sitting on the edge of his bed. Sam stared at him throughout. His face was perfectly schooled to "casual" still. Sam knew better.

"Who told you Dad used to hit me?" Dean said before taking a bite.

"You did."

"What?"

"In the library, I picked up one of the Supernatural books just out of curiosity. It was when we were talking about Max. The book said what you were thinking."

Dean stared at him in concern for a moment, putting down his food.

"Well...what did it...say exactly?"

Sam sighed. "That after Mom died, Dad was really messed up for a couple of years and used to hit you. And that Bobby helped him get sober. Dean - why didn't you ever tell me about any of that?"

Dean shrugged. "What's the point?"

"Dean - dad used to HIT you. That's a big deal."

Dean shrugged. "Not to me." Sam stared at him incredulously, forcing him to justify the comment. "Look - he'd just watched the love of his life burn to death on the ceiling. That would mess anyone up. Sure he drank too much and ok, maybe got a little violent but that's not important. What's important is that he got over it Sammy. He realised what he was doing and stopped it. He got help from Bobby and he turned into a hunter instead."

Sam shook his head. He didn't know whether to feel utter despair, anger, or concern for his brother. He felt an odd mix of all three.

"Dean, how can you not be angry? Do you think it's ok to hit a kid?"

Dean sighed. "No of course not, Sam. I'm not saying what he did was ok. Just that he fought it, for us. And he won."

Sam shook his head in despair at his brother's incredible, unfailing loyalty to their father. There were times he felt he'd never really understand his brother. He laughed incredulously.

"How the hell can you be so forgiving of that man?"

Dean just shrugged. "It doesn't change anything. He's still our dad and he's still a hero." Dean returned his attention to the sandwich he'd been eating.

Sam shook his head and stared at him half in anger, half despair.

"Dude, enough already. Quit staring at me." Sam grabbed the towel from his bed and went to have a shower. He needed time to think.

The fact was, no matter what Dean would say, having your mom die and then facing an abusive father while you look after your baby brother, at the tender age of 4, was going to have an impact on a person's behaviour, personality, views. Maybe it would explain some things about his brother, especially that relationship with their dad he'd never understood. At the moment he felt like he'd never understood it less.

It was like Dean thought the alcohol had "possessed" him, and their Dad had fought it off out of sheer love for them, had "killed the demon". To Dean it was a sign that their dad loved them enough to fix himself and get back on track, despite the death of their mom. Sam sighed.

His brother was endlessly forgiving in a way that Sam just wasn't. But it swung both ways. On the one hand Sam admired that in Dean, and he certainly had used it to be forgiven an endless number of times himself. But on the other, sometimes he wished Dean could feel righteous anger- because he was still hurt by the things people did, even if he did forgive them for it. He just couldn't express it, couldn't be angry, just buried it and went on as though nothing had happened. But it still ate away at him and hurt him, and added to his feelings of not being good enough. Bobby was right - his brother stood up for everyone but himself.

Sam remembered what Bobby had said about Dean not fighting back against their Dad. When Sam had been possessed, Dean hadn't fought back against him either. No matter what, nothing could bring Dean to hurt his family. Ever. He just took everything that was thrown at him as though he didn't matter. He just wished his brother had some self-worth. Enough self-worth to resent it when people hurt or used him instead of just shrugging it off as though he deserved it.

He exited the bathroom. "Dean-"

"Oh Christ - look Sam. I don't wanna hear it. So just can it, ok?"

"It's not OK Dean"

"So what are you going to do - go back in time and fix it? Dad's dead, Sam. Just let it go."

"It scares me." Sam admitted.

"What?" Dean laughed and looked at Sam as though he'd grown an extra head.

"When I was possessed - you didn't fight back. Bobby said you didn't fight back against Dad either."

"You called Bobby over this? Jesus Sammy..."

"Dean please. Listen to me. It scares me when you won't defend yourself. Because what does that say about you? About how you value yourself? You're worth defending Dean - sometimes it's like you think I'm better than you but I'm NOT. You're my brother, and my best friend, and I love you. I want you to love yourself too." Sam's face was set in a rigidly determined way that always reminded Dean of when he fought with their Dad.

"Ok Sam I get your point, just promise me we never have to go through this god-awful discussion ever again"

"I don't think you do get my point Dean. But it's ok. Because from now on I'm going to make it my personal mission to get you to see that you're worth something. And that you're as important to me as I am to you." Sam's face set with his new task.

Dean sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Well, thanks Sammy but seriously. I really don't need you headshrinking me, or patronising me, OR nannying me. So Don't. How would you like it if I read those books and started lecturing you about your personal thoughts and feelings? It's creepy and it's downright invasive - and I'm going to bed. Goodnight Sam."

"Goodnight." Sam smiled as the lights went out. He had a mission. His most important yet, and he was determined to see it through.

Dean rolled his eyes, turning his back on his brother. His Dad and his brother - both of them had to have an obsession on the go at all times. Sam had just made him his new goal and it creeped him out...and would probably prove to be a hindrance. But he couldn't deny that it was kind of heart-warming to see Sam care about him. There were times when he had his doubts. He smiled slightly despite himself. You're My brother, and my best friend, and I love you. He'd remember and treasure those words. They made it all worth it. Everything he'd ever done for Sammy, and the list was long, had been for those words. So he committed them to the memory of his soul and let the words carry him off to sleep.

A/N: Thanks to those who corrected my chronology! Should be fixed now :)