The promise

I see your face in front of me, as how it looked like when we lay there in the cottage while the snow faded down outside the window. Your smile that was just meant for me and told me that you would never leave me because you loved me deeply. We had given each other a promise:

"If one of us dies, we must move on in life and continue living. We must not take our lives, but we will continue to live as we would have lived if we had not found each other. None of us want to see the other die, and then we should not take each other's lives if one of us is separated from this earth."

The problem is just that that the promise is so difficult to maintain. You had said we would not see the other die, but that was precisely what happened. Even though I try to see you as you looked the day before you were taken away from me, it's hard. While I see your smiling face in front of me, I also see your terrified face where you lie on the stone cold floor with your mouth open, frightened eyes looking up at me and the blood spurting from the wound as quickly pulled you away from me.

I can see everything in front of me as if it happened right now, everything is still so real. It scares me, it eats me up inside and it feels like I'm going to explode because of all the emotions that conflicts within me. Anger, regret, sorrow, love ... Everything is like one big mess inside my body, each one has its own special imprint on my soul.

What still feels most is the missing after you and the love that I know you will never again be able to give me. Just when I thought that everything would work out in my life and turn to the better, the last of the light that I can see in the end of the tunnel that lies before me, is lost. All my hope disappeared the moment you disappeared from my heart and tore it in half where it lays in my chest.

I know I promised you that if you died, I would continue with my life, but it's hard, oh so hard. Had I known from the beginning that it would be like this before I gave the promise to you I would not have agreed to it. A melody which I had previously liked so much, but now just reminds me of all the grief I feel, is playing in my head:

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder,
Wish I never would've said it's over,
And I can't pretend that I won't think about you when I'm older,
Cause we never really had our closure,
This can't be the end.

I really miss your hair in my face,
And the way your innocence tastes,

And I think you should know this,
You deserve much better than me.

I feel the tears running down my cheeks as the melody is played inside me and I sink down on the floor with my hands over my face. It's been so long that you think I should have come over you, but I have not and will probably never do that either.

A voice is heard, and I look up. That voice ... It just cannot be, but it is! My tears flow, but I smile. Before me you stand, with a smile and arms outstretched towards me. I hear myself say your name; I cannot get out anything else. Slowly, slowly, you go up against me and put your arms around me, as you did in the old days when you were alive. "You're dead ..." I managed to get out between the tears.

He says nothing, just stands still. Soon he disappears again and there I stand all by myself with my arms around myself. Suddenly, I understand. You wanted to show me that you are well, that I do not need to worry. You have it good where you are now and I will never again have to feel sorry for your sake. "Thanks", I hear myself whisper, and I do not know if it is imaginary or not, but I think I hear a voice say "I love you".