OMG! Guess what? Twilight, Not mine! I know shocker!

This fic has been created in accordance with the recently enacted Equal Wards Opportunity Act

This Twi-FF legislation was put in place due to the amount of unfair and unbalanced not to mention unrealistic amounts of

Manwhorewards who are always 100% free of any and all STD's. To right this imbalance STDward and this fic were created.

If you have a problem with things that are snarky and off the wall this fic is not for you. Just warning you!

Also this is my first ever FF written completely on my own and not in collab with anyone else so please be kind. ::peeks nervously through fingers::

Gonorrhea Always Ends With a HEA; Not Your Average Cocktale

Part One

What tha' hell? I thought as I fought the itching in my upper groin for the four hundredth time today. I made a mental note to switch laundry detergents because whatever I am using now is causing me to itch like hell.

Walking out the front door of my apartment, I lock the door and head down the concrete stairs to my car. My brand new to me car, a 1985 Volkswagon Sirocco deluxe in gray. What? You have never heard of it before? Well neither had I. Don't laugh - it's what I could afford in my price range and it gets me from point A to point B. I will be graduating from the University of Puget Sound soon with a Bachelor's of Music and, with student loans and the lack of job prospects at the moment, I needed to save every penny and buy something cheap.

Hopping in my dilapidated hunk of junk, I stuck the key in the ignition and turned it slightly. The engine began to choke and wheeze like an 80 year old chain smoker before letting out a loud stuttered growl. Pulling out of my complex's parking lot, I made my way to my buddy Emmett's house. Emmett and I had been friends since we met at orientation our first day attending Puget Sound. Back then I was a gangly 18 year old with legs and arms too long for the rest of my body and a bit of an acne problem. Emmett wasn't much different than he was today. A big beefy man, intimidating as hell, but a big softie underneath once you got to know him. Based on his appearance, I was surprised when I found out he was majoring in Theatre Arts with a minor in Music. He had told me that, even though he had been one of the top jocks in high school and could have had a sports scholarship to almost anywhere, theatre and singing had always been a secret passion. With the popularity of shows like High School Musical and Glee, he felt inspired by the risks the characters Troy and Finn had taken to follow their hearts and decided he wanted to do the same. Yeah, I know. I had to try really hard to stifle a laugh too. But the dude was twice my size and my only friend at that point; I didn't want to get my face pounded in and lose my only friend.

Taking me under his wing, Emmett began bringing me to the gym with him everyday and, because of that, my tall and gangliness became toned and turned my body into the rock hard specimen it is today. My face cleared up and Emmett taught me how to flirt. It didn't take long before the two of us were well known on campus for being able to get any tail we wanted when we wanted it. The ladies loved us and couldn't keep their hands off of us and I can't say that I minded in the least. Hey, I'm a guy and a horny motherfucker at that. Just take a look at my long deft piano playing fingers - they are perfectly suited to bring a woman the greatest pleasure she had ever experienced and I was a man who know his way around a pussy. Any woman who was with me never left without being fully satisfied and several times over if I got my way.

Pulling into Emmett's apartment complex, I found a parking spot and headed to his door. I knocked twice on his front door before letting myself in. When I entered, I saw Emmett sprawled on the couch in only his underwear, sipping a beer while watching a game. Barely taking his eyes off the screen, he slightly waved and said "Hey Eddie boy." I rolled my eyes as I did every time he used the hated nickname. He knew he was the only one that I let get away with that shit. I strolled over to the fridge and grabbed myself a beer. Walking to the couch, I pushed Emmett's legs off of it and told him to make me some room. Sitting down, I popped open the beer and took a sip. We watched the game in silence for a while the occasional grunts and a "fucker" or two when our guys missed out on a pass and a "hell yeah" or "dude" when something went their way. Then the itching returned with a vengeance and I started to squirm on the couch trying for some form of relief.

"Dude, what's going on? You got ants in your pants Eddie boy?"

"No, I think I need to switch detergent or something. I think I'm allergic to whatever I am washing my clothes in. I've been itchy all day."

"Hey, you should try that Arm & Hammer Free and Clear. It's what I use - it's free of dyes and scents and seems to be pretty good shit dude. "

"Yeah? Thanks, man." Rising from the couch, I looked at Em and asked, "I gotta take a piss. Is your bathroom gonna make me want to puke if I use it?"

"Nah, man its clean. My mom came over to visit yesterday and cleaned it up."

"You're such a momma's boy."

"Yeah so, she brings me brownies and cleans my place on occasion. I don't see the downside."

"Good point." I grumbled and made my way to his bathroom. Once inside I noticed it was sparkling. Yeah mommy must have been there. Even if Emmett cleaned it himself it would never be this clean. Standing at the toilet, I began to relieve myself when a burning sensation ripped through my groin and dick. "AAAAARGH!" I screamed out. "Holy Shit what was that?" I mumbled to myself. I took a deep breath and a moment to recover from the fiery pain that just shot through my dick. I couldn't even finish, it was just too painful. Buttoning up my pants, I washed my hands and left the bathroom. Emmett must have gotten up while I was in the bathroom because now he had a large bag of Cheetos on his lap orange crumbs littering his white boxer shorts.

"Hey man, everything ok? You were making some interesting sounds from in there."

Running my fingers through my hair, tugging on the ends in an old nervous habit, I replied, "I don't know. I just tried to take a piss and it felt like someone lit a match on my dick."

"Oh! Ow!" Emmett exclaimed while hunching over and grabbing his crotch a bit. "That doesn't sound good at all man. You should probably get that checked out." He sat there contemplating something for a moment before he added, "I could take a look and give you my opinion if you wanted."

"Umm…yeah nice of you to offer Em, but one, what do you know you're not a medical professional and two, I am not dropping trou and showing you my junk."

"Whatever," he dismissed me, "I was just trying to help."

"Yeah, I think I am going to go see if I can get into the student clinic today."

"Ok man. Good luck!" I began to walk out the door when he stopped me. "Hey Edward who did you take home last night?" I stood there thinking for a minute trying to remember.

"Uh…some babe named Jessi I think. No wait, Jessi was earlier in the night while still at the party. Afterwards, I went out to some fuckhot redheads car what was her name...Teena…no….Tami…no…wait Tanya, yeah her name was Tanya."

"You did it with Tanya easier than a hooker on Sunday morning Denali?" he barked out with a laugh.

I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so. I was pretty wasted last night, so I don't remember everything very clearly."

"I sure as shit hope you remembered to bag that shit up."

"I always do. I mean, I don't remember actually doing it last night but I don't see why I wouldn't have."

"You better pray that you did. That girl gets around and is not known for having the cleanest sexual history. I mean everyone knows this Eddie boy. I can't believe it! She probably gave you the chatos - that's why your crotch itches!"

"What do your Cheetos have to do with anything right now?" I gave him a quizzical look feeling very confused.

"No not Cheetos CHAAAA-TOOOOOOS." Emmett said drawing the last word out enunciating each syllable. "You know the crabs, pubic lice?"

"What? Crabs! You think I could have crabs?" I practically shout at him.

"After sleeping with that hooker, I'd be surprised to find out that Crabs was the only thing you had."

"Holy shit man! I gotta go! I have to go have this checked out right now!" I started panicking and tugging on my hair more forcefully.

"You want me to come with you man? I mean for, like, moral support or some shit?"

"Um, I don't know." I said as I paced the spot in front of the door lost in my freak out.

Emmett jumped up off the couch. "Calm down. I am sure it's no big deal. Let me go slip some clothes on and come with you. I can't let you go out alone like this." I just shook my head in agreement and continued on with my frantic pacing. Moments later he reappeared from his bedroom in jeans and a t-shirt. "K, give me the keys to your shit excuse for a car Eddie. You are way too worked up to be driving right now." I just handed over my keys not thinking twice about it.

"Just drive us there quick, Em." Leaving his apartment, we quickly headed to my car. After Emmett was finally able to bring it to life, we sped off as fast as it would go (which wasn't very fast in the shit-mobile) and headed straight to the clinic.

As Emmett pulled the car into the clinic parking lot and without a moment's hesitation, I jumped out of the car before it had even come to a complete stop. Emmett yelled at me as I did. "Whoa there turbo, where's the fire? Oh yeah, I forgot. In your pants!" he said snickering. Momentarily, I paused to glare at the douchebag I considered a friend before turning and sprinting my way toward the glass double doors to the health center. Slowing myself as I neared the doors, I attempted to catch my breath, trying to avoid entering looking like a completely crazed lunatic. Composing myself the best I could, I apprehensively strolled into the sparsely lit, well used clinic on campus. I reached the large check in desk located front and center in the room. Behind the desk sat the receptionist - a darkly tanned blonde, chomping on a piece of gum while gossiping on the phone. I figured her tan must be fake; there was no way in Washington she was going to get that tan all on her own.

"I know! I can't believe he, like, said that to her! It's, like, so wrong yet sooo totally hot!" She exclaimed sounding every bit a clichéd California valley girl. The girl behind the desk went on completely ignoring me and continuing on in her conversation. "If she can't handle it sooo pass him my way. I can totally take it and we would, like, both enjoy ourselves while I did if you, like, know what I mean?" I directed a steely glare in the girl's direction, tapping my fingers on the reception desk while I impatiently waited. Finally realizing my presence, she looked in my direction still chomping her gum loudly while she mouthed "What?" I raised both of my eyebrows at her she just gave me a blank stare in return then shrugged and continued on with her conversation. "Uh-huh….yeah…oh yeah…oh totaaaaaalllly!" Emmett walked up and stood behind where I stood at the check-in desk.

"Hey, what's going on Eddie?" I stepped aside and turned to face him and took my frustration I felt towards the receptionist out on him. "I don't know. Bodacious Barbie here hasn't stopped her gossiping long enough for me to check in."

For the first time since he entered the clinic, Emmett took a good look at the receptionist. The girl was looking down at her nails poking them with a file while she continued her conversation on the phone. Lifting her head up a bit, she glanced at what was written on a post-it stuck to the side of her computer monitor. Emmett took the girl behind the desk in and got a dazed look in his eyes, licked his lips, then cleared his throat. At the sound of the throat clearing, the chatty receptionist lifted her head fully to try and take in where the sound had come from. When she saw Emmett standing before her, the look she got on her face near mirrored Emmett's, and she quickly ended her phone call.

"Alice, I, like, got to go. There is a patient, like, here. Yep ok love you too, like, talk to you later babe." She hung up the phone and locked her bright blue eyed gaze with Emmetts then licked her bright red lipstick covered lips. An eternity of awkwardness passed before the loquacious one spoke; her eyes never once left Emmett's. A slow seductive smile enveloped her face as she inquired "Well hello there, how can I help you?" Emmett pulled out the cootchie crier as he liked to call it. The coochie crier was basically the smile of his he swore made all women, young and old, wet just at the sight of it.

"My friend here needs to see one of your docs here about a problem he's having." Briefly she glanced in my direction and then turned back to Emmett.

"Ok and what does he like need to be seen for?"

"Well I…" I started, but was rudely cut off by a hand with long pink fingernails stuck practically in my face.

Glaring at me the receptionist spoke in an icy bitch voice "I wasn't, like, talking to you!" Moving her gaze back to Emmett, her look instantly softened. She dramatically batted her eyelashes and cupped the hand, which had moments ago been shoved in my face, under her chin. Being the traitor douchebag that he is, Emmett just chuckled and leaned in closer to her, resting his elbows on the small countertop at the check-in desk.

"Well you see," he began in a conspiratorial whisper, "This fucktard got wasted last night and got it on with Tanya Denali in the back of her car."

The receptionist quirked a well-manicured eyebrow in my direction followed by a small snort and said "You like totally banged Tanya Applause Denali? I sure as hell hope you double or even triple bagged your dick."

Rolling my eyes in response, Emmett started in. "He was so wasted he doesn't even remember if he used anything or not." Bodacious Barbie gawked at me and shook her head as if to say what an idiot. Emmett began again, "Wait why do you call her Tanya Applause Denali?"

"Because she is always coming in here with the clap. Get it, applause clap!"

Emmett let out a boisterous laugh, "That shit is brilliant! By the way, I don't think I caught your name miss?"

Clearing my throat, I interrupted "Uh…excuse me, my appointment?"

"Hold on, hold on there a minute Eddie boy. We will get your cooties problem taken care of, I just want to get this stunning beauty's name first." My eyes rolled once again. If this kept up it wouldn't be long before I was experiencing vertigo. Bodacious Barbie behind the counter blushed… I think. It was hard to tell with her overly tanned dark skin. Breathily she answered, "Rose, my name is Rose."

"Ah a perfect name, a beautiful woman named after a beautiful flower."

Bodacious Barbie, I mean Rose, giggled and asked Emmett, " And what is it they call you?"

"Well Rose," Emmett began letting his tongue linger on her name, "They call me a lot of things, most of them not proper for the presence of a lady, but you can call me Emmett."

"OK OK ENOUGH OF THIS!" I shouted tugging at the roots of my hair again. I begged "CAN I PLEASE SEE SOMEONE BEFORE MY DICK FALLS OFF?" Being the lucky bastard that I am, that was the moment the most beautiful woman I had ever seen stepped out of the hallway and into the waiting room where I stood. Her long mahogany hair was pulled back into a ponytail, accentuating her striking large round chocolate eyes; pink full lips graced her mouth; she was spectacular. She wore typical medical office scrubs, but I could tell beneath the loose fabric there was a body that would make gods cry. She stood in the entryway between the waiting room and the hallway she just came from with a quizzical look on her face directed at me, one eyebrow quirked slightly. Realization dawned on me what I had just shouted and that she must have overheard. I was instantly mortified.

Rose glanced over in the direction where the goddess that had just entered the room stood. "Oh hey Bella, we got this guy here," Rose motioned in my direction, "Who was dumb enough to stick his dick in Miss applause-a-lot and needs to get checked out."

Amusedly Bella eyed me, "Well ok then, lucky for him it's a slow day and I think Dr. Cullen can see him now. I'm sorry sir I didn't catch your name?"

"Oh, it's Edward."

"Ok, Edward. Grab one of those clipboards with the paperwork on it and you can fill it out back here while you wait to see Dr. Cullen. Come with me and I will show you to your room." I followed behind her like a lost puppy dog sneaking peeks at her ass as she sashayed down the hall. Her ass was round and pert and I had to stick my hands in my pockets to stop myself from reaching out and squeezing it. Staring longer than I realized, I lost track of my surroundings and ran straight into a cold hard metal doorframe.

"Ooomph, oh shit that hurt." I rubbed my forehead which had gotten the brunt of the impact.

A small melodious giggle filled the room. "Oh, I'm sorry Edward," she said trying to get ahold of her giggle fits, "Are you ok?" Moving in closer, she inspected my damaged forehead. As she did, this weird buzzing and heat surround us. I felt a magnetic pull pushing me to be closer to her. I resisted the pull, despite everything within my body that cried for me not to, and kept my distance.

Stepping back, I murmured, "Yeah I am fine." Sitting down on a small black leather padded stool in front of the computer, I watched as her petite, lean fingers lithely typed on the keyboard as she logged in and started asking me the typical questions. The reality of the types of questions this woman I was lusting over would be asking me hadn't occurred to me until after they left her mouth, leaving me feeling even more embarrassed than previously.

"Ok Edward, what are we seeing you for today?" Pausing and considering something momentarily, she smirked then began again, "Or maybe I should ask why do you think your dick is going to fall off?" Fantastic, she did hear me say that. My gaze shot to the floor - I now found my black Adidas quite fascinating.

I stammered, "Well, umm…you see I was having this itch, ya know, in my pants," I motioned my hands up and over my groin area, "and I thought it was just an allergic reaction to my laundry detergent or something." Finding the courage to raise my gaze, I looked away from my shoes and up towards Bella. She was listening intently and waiting for me to continue, so I did. "But when I used the bathroom at my friends Em's place, I tried to take a piss and when I did it burned really badly." Care and concern filled her smoky brown eyes. I figured it was only because it was part of her job to act and make others feel as if she gave a damn.

"Ok Edward, well those symptoms could mean a lot of different things. Let me ask you a few more questions then Dr. Cullen will be in momentarily."

Nodding my head I let out a soft "Ok."

"Do you take any medications either prescription or over the counter?"

"No."

"Any herbs or supplements like a multi vitamin."

"Umm…I take a multi vitamin everyday."

"Ok, good." She said then noted it in my chart in the computer.

"Any Allergies we should know of?"

"Nope." I replied.

"Ok and are you sexually active Edward?" This time I could feel myself blush at the question. I don't know why. I am a young collegiate American male; it would be more odd if I wasn't. Plus, she already heard me scream my worries about my dick falling off due to infection.

"Yes." Was my one word answer, she typed more info into the document on the computer

"Ok and when was the last time you had intercourse?"

"Uh…Umm…last night."

"Ah, I suppose it was with Miss Denali am I right? Wait, no, that was inappropriate. You don't need to answer that."

"No, no it's ok. Boda… I mean Rose already outed me over that, so yes I got wasted and slept with Tanya last night. I was so far gone I didn't even know it was her, not that knowing would help because until today I was unaware of her reputation." Bella snorted "What?"

"I am sorry but have you been living under a rock? Pretty much everyone within a five state radius is aware of her reputation."

"Well I guess I am just exceptionally unobservant then," I spat. "Sorry," I quickly apologized, "I shouldn't have reacted like that."

"No, its ok. I would be pretty livid too if I just discovered I slept with that disease covered ho-bag, which I really shouldn't have just said. Forgive me, it's seems my tongue is on auto-pilot today and not taking orders from my brain."

Smiling at her, I replied, "No worries, it was just the truth."

Bella gave me a small smile then typed her last few notes into my digital chart then stood up. "Just finish filling out that paperwork and Dr. Cullen should be in shortly."

"Ok, thanks," I said once again, looking into the warm brown eyes that had come so quickly to captivate me so. She shot me a friendly smile before turning and leaving the room, shutting the door behind her. I filled out all the needed medical mumbo jumbo on the paperwork while I waited for Dr. Cullen to show.

Ten minutes later a loud knock sounded on the door and in walked a kind looking blonde haired, blue-eyed man.

"Hello," he said brightly, stepping towards me with his right hand outstretched. "I am Dr. Carlisle Cullen, I will be your physician today, and you are…" he paused, looking at the chart and papers in his hand.

"Edward," I told him, "Edward Masen."

"Well Mr. Masen…"

"Just call me Edward, please. Mr. Masen is my father." Nodding, he walked a few steps and sat on the same small stool Bella had previously occupied.

"Well, Edward what can we do for you today?"

I felt aggravated that I had to explain my whole situation over again. I never understood why I had to tell the nurse everything and then the doctor the same things ten minutes later. Dr. Cullen seemed kind and it was my own fault I had to be here anyway, so I tried to not let the irritation seep into my voice. I explained to him, as I did to Bella, my reasons for coming in. He nodded knowingly as I spoke.

"Ok Edward, I am going to need to take a look at the area and run a few tests before I can tell you for sure what the problem is." Handing me a white paper-like robe, he told me to undress and put the paper robe on. "I will give you some privacy to change while I go grab Nurse Swan and then we will take a look at it ok?"

"Ok, umm…but can I ask why a nurse needs to be in here to?"

"It's for legal and harassment issues - to protect both you as the patient and me as the doctor."

"Oh, ok. That makes sense." Nodding in assent, Dr. Cullen stepped out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Happy he was bringing in a different nurse than Bella, I took off my shoes and jeans and t-shirt while thinking about the name Nurse Swan and how it sounded like it belonged to an older women. Yeah, it would be weird to have her see my junk, but not as embarrassing as if it was the hot, young nurse Bella. She would be old and experienced. It's part of her job - I am sure nurse Swan, in her thirty something year career I was imagining, had seen lots of patients' dicks. It just went with the territory, right?

A few minutes later a loud knock pounded on the door. Adjusting myself comfortably on the exam table, I told them they could come in. Imagine my surprise when Dr. Cullen walked in, Bella in tow. Looking at him quizzically, I practically shouted "I thought you were getting Nurse Swan?"

Chuckling, he replied, "This is Nurse Swan."

"No, this is Bella," I told him adamantly. Both Dr. Cullen and Bella looked at each other and laughed as if they were in on some joke together.

"Yes," Dr. Cullen said, "Nurse Bella Swan."

"Oh." was all my mouth could manage to say. I felt like a complete idiot and all the while my brain was shouting expletives at me. Here I sat in this cold doctor's office, wearing nothing but a small piece of paper, where I get to let the doctor feel me up while this hot young nurse watches. Awesome.

"Ok Edward, please lay down on the exam table." Dr. Cullen told me. I obeyed and stretched my legs straight out in front of me. The table was much too short for my 6'1" frame and the majority of my legs hung precariously off the edge. Bella moved to a spot in the corner of the small room; she could still see everything but was farther away and her face wasn't going to be up close and personal with the pussy pillager. Yes, don't act so surprised, I named my dick. All guys do it. Anyway, she stayed in the corner as Dr. Cullen put some gloves on his hands then walked over and asked if it was ok if he lifted my robe up to get a look at the area. What was I gonna say, no? I mean, I am already lying here naked and spread out for him, I don't think an invitation is exactly needed, but whatever. I told him yeah sure whatever, do what ya gotta do doc. He lifted up the paper exposing me to the cold, acrid air of the room. I kept my eyes focused on the graying ceiling tiles. I didn't want to look at Bella while the good ol' doc touched my happy stick and I definitely did not want to look at the doc.

"Ok Edward, I am going to need to touch you now so I can get a better look at the underside of your penis." Letting out a deep breath I just nodded my head ok. Moments later the doc was done and told me I could cover back up. He said he wanted to run a few tests but I could put my clothes back on then go meet Nurse Swan in front of the bathroom across the hall to give a urine sample. I was not happy about that. It hurt like a bitch to pee right now, but I figured he needed the sample so he could fix whatever was making it that way, so I just said ok and they both left the room shutting the door once again. Quickly, I changed and met Nurse Swan across the hall. Entering the bathroom, I endured the pain that I at least knew to expect now and peed in the damn cup for them. I left the cup on the counter as I was told, washed my hands and headed back to my room to learn my fate.

Twenty minutes later Dr. Cullen once again knocked on my door before entering my room. Sitting back down on the stool he looked me in the eyes. "Edward, as I feared your urine sample did test positive for gonorrhea or as it is sometimes called the clap."

"Oh shit." I breathed out loudly. "It's treatable right doc?"

"Yes it is completely treatable with a round of antibiotics. Gonorrhea has begun to develop a few strains of anti-biotic resistant bacteria. I don't think we will need to worry about that with you. Just make sure you finish the entire course of treatment even if things clear up before all the medication is gone. Be sure to call me if things don't start to improve within the next few days." Nodding my head in understanding, Dr. Cullen went on. "The gonorrhea diagnosis covers the burning sensation while urinating. Now the itching you are feeling is a completely separate issue. It appears you also seem to have somehow acquired a case of pubic lice or crabs."

"Fuck my life! Not one, but two STD's?" I exclaimed and buried my face in my hands shaking my head. I felt Dr. Cullen's hand reach over and grasp my shoulder.

"Son, it will be alright. It is all completely treatable. I am sure I don't need to tell you this now, but as your doctor I feel it is my obligation to encourage you in the future to use safer sex practices so you can avoid this happening again and maybe make wiser choices in partners." He looked at me and smiled, his eyes dancing with some sort of amusement. I could tell he probably had some joke he was trying to contain for the sake of being professional. I decided to let him off the hook. I deserved it for being such a dumbass.

Looking up I gave him a slight smile "Ok doc, out with it, I know you got something you want to say. Maybe a joke at my expense about me and my idiocy? I'm a big boy, I can handle it."

Dr. Cullen let out a loud laugh you could tell he had been suppressing. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh at your mistakes, but come on! Tanya Denali! You can't actually lead me to believe you had no clue about her?"

"Well it seems everybody was aware of her and her reputation except for me. Honestly, until last night I had never even heard of her let alone her reputation. Trust me doc I have learned my lesson and I think this experience may have scared me into celibacy."

The good doctor let out another loud guttural laugh. "I don't think you need to go that far, although that would make it a lot less likely for you to contract anything like it again." He then gained a more serious look on his face, care filling his blue eyes. "Just be more careful about whom you choose to sleep with and, for goodness sake man, bag it before you shag it!" I sat there, stunned, my mouth gaping. I could not believe he just said that. It only took moments before I was laughing harder than I ever had. We were both doubled over, tears seeping from our eyes. The door was open and Bella peered in looking part concerned and part amused.

"Is everything ok in here Dr. Cullen?"

"Yes, yes Bella, everything is fine." Dr. Cullen choked out between laughs .

"Well…ummm…ok then." She replied smiling largely and shaking her head at what she must have thought were two men who had completely lost their minds. Bella turned to leave then stopped. Wiping tears from my eyes, I looked up to see Bella's chocolate eyes meet my green ones. She smirked then questioned me, "Wait, did he just tell you to bag it before you shag it?"

"Yes he did." I answered her while trying to regain composure.

With a roll of her eyes Bella looked at Dr. Cullen and said, "I'm telling Esme."

Dr Cullen just psshed her, "Where do you think I got it from?"

Bella stood there wide eyed. "No way," then shook her head in disbelief before walking back out the door.

"Now where were we again Edward?" Dr. Cullen began, "Oh yes, the crabs will just require you to fill a special prescription shampoo. He instructed me on how to use the shampoo and properly remove the nits from my pubic hair. It was one of the most awkward conversations of my life. After informing me of all the nitty gritty details, he handed me a prescription for Lindane the special shampoo and the antibiotic ceftriaxone for the awesome bout of clap I had contracted. After making me promise I would call him or come back in if I had any additional problems or it didn't go away, I was finally free to go.

Bella was standing outside another patient's room marking something on their chart. She waved and said, "Take care Edward." Setting the chart down, she stepped towards me, leaned in closer, and whispered in my ear, "And be careful where you let your Roman soldier dive from now on. It would be a travesty to lose such a big, beautiful boy." Stepping back, she winked and grabbed the chart she had been filling out and entered into the next patient's room. I stood there stunned; did she just say what I thought she did? I brought myself out of my lust induced trance and willed the semi I had gained during the sirens brief interaction with me to go down. Making my way into the waiting room, I found Em behind the receptionist desk, sitting in Bodacious Barbie's chair as she straddled him. The two of them were in full on make out.

"Come on Em, I'm done and I'm tired. Lets go get these filled and go home." Reaching into his pocket he tossed me my keys his lips never once left their locked position with Rose. He just waved me on. I took that as a sign he would find his own way home and left the clinic to hop in my clunker and make my way to the pharmacy.

::slowly removes fingers from eyes:: Please to not be maiming me for giving Edward a 2 for 1 special.

I am not a doctor and all I knew on STD's and their treatment I learned from Google. So yeah best to not be taking the info in here as actual info and advice m'kay?

There is more to this story and the second part will update soon. Not sure exactly when but soon, because have we had our HEA yet?

No, and Gonorrhea always ends with what? That's right a HEA!

Mucho thanks and adoration go to Nikita2009 for being my encouragement and cheerleader to follow through with my twisted idea. Without her this story would not be, at all! SueBee0619 Your are the best masteh beta evah! Your skills rock and you are the chato's to my cheeto's...wait mebbe that's not the best thing but you know what I mean. Ninnie Without you girl this story would be chato-less and that would be tragic so thank you and kisses to you all!

Reviews are better than getting to watch Dr. Cullen inspect Edward's pussy pillager