Chapter 3

"This isn't how it has to go, House," Cuddy said. She didn't plead or cry. Her voice was matter-of-fact because she knew she needed to talk to his brain. His heart was in murky irrational territory right now, but his brain was always reachable. "Your plan is already screwed up. We're here. This isn't how you wanted it to go, so just come down," she instructed.

House sighed heavily. "I can't fix myself, Cuddy," he admitted.

"You haven't tried, House," she said. "Not really. You tried to let me fix you. And I tried that too. We were foolish."

House blinked into the dark below. Cuddy was shaking and she didn't know if it was from the cold or her fear. "Dammit, House, I can't stop you if this is really what you want to do," she scolded, more emotion finally creeping into her voice, "But you can't make me watch this. I know you won't. Come down. Do it tomorrow if you still want to."

House, strangely, laughed a little. She was the only one who could pose an argument that would convince him of anything. His foot shifted and Cuddy's heart leapt into her throat. House stepped backwards, still holding Cuddy's hand, and she fell to the cement ground of the balcony, nearly fainting with relief. House sort-of crumbled next to her and laid his head in her lap, his eyes clenched shut. He couldn't look at her.

"I started it all wrong, House," she told him. "It wasn't your fault."

"It's all my fault, Cuddy," he said stoically.

"You were healing, recovering and I wouldn't try. I was too scared of what you could do to me, too untrusting of your sobriety," she explained. "Then I waited until you were on the edge to meet you there. I just became a Vicodin replacement," she concluded.

"That's not true -"

"It is, House." She insisted. "You were in pain and I was a balm for the pain. I made you not have to feel it, which is what the drugs are about."

They sat there in silence. House placed one hand across his eyes, trying to shut out everything, and the other reached up around her hips, trying to keep her there.

"I need you," he told her.

"I know," she said. "But that will never work," she continued. "You need to be able to stand on your own, to be there for people. You need to feel love and pain and live through it," she explained.

She felt his fingers just lightly on her skin. "Look at me," she told him. He shook his head. It wasn't possible. If he couldn't have her, he couldn't see her. It would kill him. "House, look at me," she insisted, lifting his hand off his eyes and holding it between hers.

His eyes flickered open and the minute he met hers they filled. His brow furrowed in effort to block out the pain. "You can't need me, House," she summarized, staring into him. "You have to be whole and choose me. Not like a drug and not like a high. Like my partner."

House swallowed. "I don't know if that's possible," he admitted.

"Me neither," she said. "But I hope you'll try," she said, her eyes filling now and dropping tears onto his face. They sat there crying in silence for what felt like forever.

"I have to go," she finally whispered.

"No, no, no, don't go," he begged, squeezing every part of her he was touching.

"House, you know this. You know I have to go. We're hopeless otherwise," she explained.

"I don't know what to do."

"I know. And that's scary and painful. And you have to just feel that and come out of it. You can come out of it, House. Or you won't and it's all over. All of it," she concluded. "And what a waste that will be." She took in a breath sharply, bracing herself. Her hands released his and cupped his head tenderly for a moment, then lifted it out of her lap and she shifted and stood. She stopped at the sliding door and saw House roll onto his side, his back to her.

"I love you, Cuddy," he said into the darkness.

"You don't," she replied. "You're not capable yet." She stared at his broken form and fought every urge to go rescue him again. "But I love you, House. So you have to try."

House stared through the balcony rails at the night and heard her murmur to Wilson and walk out. You have to try, echoed in his head.