The First Night

I hear the first thump of a rock against my bedroom window, but I carry on waiting, working up the nerve to see him.

2… I feel shame, warm and familiar, but hated, rising around me like a visible, tangible thing. I'm too old for this. I shouldn't be scared.

3… I should get it over with once and for all.

4-5-6… One for every day I waited for him. That's enough. So I open the window. Why should I make him wait? It's not his fault. Anyway, my parents might wake up if he carries on like this.

"Shikamaru."

I don't turn on the lights and I wonder if it's because I don't want to attract any attention, or because I know whatever happens between us belongs in the sordid privacy of night. Naruto understands. He didn't come during the day, after all.

He's still outside. Is he scared of me too?

"Come in?" Our faces are very close together and my voice is quiet and questioning. Naruto stares at me for several seconds. I can't make out his expression, because his eyes are bottomless sockets, but there is a visible tension in his jaw that I have rarely seen outside of battle.

"No," he says after a minute, hanging his head. I feel an unexpected sense of loss at his words. I put it all on the line for him. That isn't something I'm known for, but I did it.

"I'm not…"

"Gay. You're not gay. I get it," I finish his sentence more harshly than I meant to and I feel even more embarrassed when he jerks his empty eyes up to meet mine. "Sorry, I just…"

"No," he repeats, "Shikamaru I want…this." My eyes bulge as my hands grip the sill between us, practically reeling, but hopefully invisible despite our proximity.

"You-"

"I'm just not ready."

"Oh."

Another minute passes as we wait for the heaviness of our words to evaporate and float away harmlessly. Then, I can't take it anymore. Things used to be so easy between us. I like easy. I lean my head in the crook of my arm, looking past him, looking at the stars. There are a lot out tonight.

"I'm tired, Naruto."

"I know," he says. His tone is somber, like he is paying witness to some grave event. A funeral, perhaps. "I'm gonna go." I should be happy, but Naruto is turning to leave and I'm more miserable than ever. Even more than the last time I saw him walk away from my window.

"Naruto!" I whisper, before I can stop myself. I raise my head and watch him carefully as his body tenses. He doesn't face me, but he braces his back against my window, just inches away. I am practically touching him and I am only just able to stop myself. I don't want to ask, but I need to know. "Will you come back?"

"Yeah," he says wistfully, pressing his shoulders into the length of my arm. The weight of him is reassuring, stabilizing. I think I might be able to sleep tonight. My other hand hovers around him, not sure where to land.

Before I can work up the nerve to touch him, he's gone.