Bothered and Bewildered

Author's Note: A post-ep fic for "Bless You, Hawkeye" (includes spoilers).

B.J. watched Sidney's jeep drive away, feeling relieved but a bit wary. Hawkeye seemed to be back to normal, but B.J. still harbored some concern. He figured that was going to be the case for quite some time, given everything that had happened the last few days. Hawkeye driven nearly over the edge by repressed memories, believing he was going to die… B.J. had been a lot more frightened than he let on.

He went into the Swamp, where Hawkeye was reading a magazine. "How're you doing, Hawk?"

"I'm fine." He looked up from his magazine and seemed to realize this wasn't your average small talk. "Really, I am. Good as new, just about."

"You had me scared to death," B.J. admitted, taking a seat next to Hawkeye on his cot.

"It was no picnic for me either, Beej," he said, smiling.

"You're my sanity here, Hawk. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my anchor." That was maybe a little more honesty than he'd planned on revealing, but now it was out, and he didn't care if it sounded too needy.

"You'd be fine, Beej. You're stronger than you think. Stronger than me, actually. But luckily, you won't have to find out, because I'm right here, and staying here." His eyes sparkled a little, a good sign; there was clarity and tranquility in his expression. B.J. relaxed a little more.

"When they shipped me to Korea," B.J. said, "all I dared to hope for was a camp filled with decent people and the good fortune to get out of this whole thing in one piece. I never expected to find someone like you here."

Hawkeye cocked his head to one side, looking at him closely. "Someone like me?"

B.J. shrugged, as if it should be obvious. "Mentor, friend, guardian angel, co-conspirator, confidant, knight in shining armor…" He stopped abruptly because that last one had fallen out of his mouth before he'd had a chance to think. Embarrassed, he blinked at Hawkeye, tried to regain his composure. "Anyway, I'm glad you're here. I should tell you more often."

Hawkeye reached out and touched B.J.'s arm, "I'm glad you're here, too."

They stared at each other, a warmth growing, indefinable but unmistakably outside the boundaries of friendship. Hawkeye's fingers trailed down B.J.'s arm and closed around his hand. B.J. felt a fire ignite where they touched. Something in Hawkeye's face told him he was feeling the same thing. After a moment—a long moment—B.J. gently removed his hand from Hawkeye's, stood up, and went to his cot, flustered but trying not to show it. Hawkeye watched him longer than was necessary, or comfortable.

"Good night, Beej," he said eventually.

"Night, Hawk."

A few days later, they sat at Rosie's bar, nursing drinks and swapping tales. There were no casualties expected so they lingered, whiling away time, getting lost in their booze and their conversation.

Until the conversation ran out. They lapsed into a prolonged silence that normally wouldn't have felt awkward, but B.J. saw how Hawkeye was looking at him, how he'd been looking at him for days now. He couldn't even clearly define what he was seeing in Hawk's expression. Or his mind didn't allow him to define it, because if he stripped away the denial, he would be able to admit the look on his friend's face was one of desire.

He couldn't bear the intensity of Hawkeye's stare any longer, and he looked away, across the room. He could feel a blush on his cheeks.

"Look at me," Hawkeye said then, and to prove that he could, B.J. did. "Can we talk about what's going on?"

B.J. tried a smile, which failed, and shrugged. "Going on?"

Hawkeye's smile was genuine. "You're good at that. Pretending you don't know. But you know what I'm talking about."

"Why don't you tell me anyway?"

"There seems to be something happening between us lately, something decidedly sexual." Hawkeye certainly could be blunt. B.J. envied that trait.

"I think you just have sex on the brain, Hawk." He sounded a lot more casual than he was feeling. His eyes drifted back to the other side of the room.

"Look at me," Hawkeye insisted again, this time bordering on angry.

When B.J. obeyed and turned his attention back to the man in front of him, the twinge he felt in his stomach was strong enough to make him momentarily dizzy. There was no keeping the surprise off his face. He watched Hawk's eyes as they studied him. "What do we do?" Hawkeye asked him, patient, submissive.

B.J. shook his head. "I can't do anything," he said softly, no longer playing games. "I'm sorry."

Hawkeye nodded but didn't speak. The silence stretched out for a long time as B.J. struggled to figure out what else to say before realizing that everything of importance had been said.

"Hawk?"

They were back in the Swamp, just the two of them, in the dark, lying on their respective cots. Sleep wasn't coming for B.J. He was pretty sure the same could be said for Hawkeye.

"Yeah?"

"Are we OK? You and I?"

"Of course."

"I'm sorry."

"You said that before." Not angry… not any emotion, really. A sigh from Hawkeye's corner. "Your faithfulness to your wife is one of the things that I admire about you."

"Just not right now, I guess," he ventured.

Hawkeye said nothing.

In the dark, B.J. figured he could ask the question. "If you were married, you wouldn't stay faithful to your wife?"

"That's a moot point. I'm not married, never even got close."

"That's not true. You were living with Carlye, you told me. That's a commitment of sorts."

"That was pretty whirlwind. I was head over heels for her, but it's not like we were together long-term. Didn't have time to find someone else to be tempted by."

A lengthy silence, then, "Hawkeye?"

"Hmmm?"

"If I weren't married…" He couldn't even finish the thought, as much as he wanted to.

"I understand, Beej."

It was like telling somebody not to think about a giraffe; all of a sudden, a giraffe is the only thing they can think about. With the subject now out in the open, it was constantly on B.J.'s mind. Hawkeye wasn't even flirting with him anymore, not really, but the pull was still there, still strong. He would dream about crawling into Hawkeye's bed, he would daydream about stealing a kiss after lights out, he would look at Hawkeye and memorize the shade of his eyes on a particular day, the wave in his hair.

The tension simmered for a long time. B.J. reached boiling point on a warm spring night when Hawkeye went out with Nurse Bigelow and didn't return until well after 3 in the morning. B.J. was still awake, hadn't come even remotely close to falling asleep, the sexual frustration building as he'd imagined Hawkeye with Bigelow, not all that far away, over in the supply room.

When he heard the Swamp door open, he didn't even turn to look. He simply said, "Have fun?"

"Beej? You're awake? Go to sleep. The kid is home safe and sound, and the car wasn't wrecked. Good night."

B.J. sat up and snapped on his light. "Charles is on post-op duty, so why don't you go ahead and tell me all about your date. I'd really like to hear about your sexual exploits in the supply room."

Hawkeye stared, but B.J. couldn't make out his expression in the semi-darkness. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

B.J., realizing how he sounded, only shook his head and willed himself to keep his mouth shut. About two minutes too late.

"B.J.? Everything OK?"

It was all too much. The hours of lying awake, thinking about Hawkeye making love to Bigelow… the longing he'd been feeling the last few weeks, ever since this whole thing had started… the sexual tension you could cut with a knife between him and his best friend. He couldn't tolerate it another second. He got up off his cot and strode to Hawkeye, put his hands on the other man's arms, and kissed him firmly on the mouth.

Hawkeye kissed back, eagerly, but only for a few seconds. Then he gently pushed B.J. away, and said, "No. You told me no."

"I'm changing my mind. I'm saying yes now." He went in for another kiss, and this time Hawkeye didn't resist at all.

The kisses turned passionate quickly, and they pressed their bodies together, feeling the desire grow in themselves and each other. Hawkeye buried his hands in B.J.'s hair, thrust his groin against B.J.'s, moaned into his mouth. They blindly fumbled their way onto Hawkeye's cot.

B.J. looked into hungry eyes, his head spinning. He must have looked scared, because Hawkeye paused for a moment, then said, "What? We're back to no?"

"Nah," B.J. said softly, heart hammering but knowing exactly what it wanted. "We're still at yes. Absolutely yes. All systems go."

Hawkeye smiled and began to pull at B.J.'s shirt. "Well then, c'mon, handsome. Don't be shy. Let's find out just how good this can be."

As it turned out, very good indeed.