Note to Disclaimers: I do not and never will own Dragon Age: Origins, Awakening, or Dragon Age 2, etc. All characters are the property of BioWare, etc, and this is NOT for profit.

A/N: Chapter 9, after an eternity! The pairing remains FemHawke (mage)/Anders. The other big character pairing is Isabela/Fenris because I love Isabela—I would so take Isabela with me wherever I traveled! Alright, this is going to, hopefully, be a major turning point. Now that they're at the Circle Tower, the story is going to start quickening a pace with battle scenes (which I such at, but I'll do my best) and the journey moving on. With that said…you know the drill: you like it, you read. You don't well…yeah, you get it. Constructive Criticism is welcome. Thanks.

'Thought' & Flashbacks & Singing

"Justice"

"Speaking"

Everything else

Praevâricâtor (Chapter 9)

It was little to no surprise that Bann Teagan and Alistair had yet to return to Redcliffe for good. While they had, according to Arl Eamon, stopped there for a brief reprieve it was relayed to Surana that Alistair had resumed his arduous and hurried search for the Warden Commander. Shaking her head, the elf in question leaned back in her chair before the warm fireplace. She was alone in the room save for Anders who was quietly sitting across from her in his own chair, look pensive and posture tight as if keeping a firm hold on Vengeance. The remainder of their group had exited the main hall in favor of a good night's rest in beds alike, as well as other amusements in their well needed break from trekking along the Thedan coasts. Surana had no real clue as to the whereabouts of the infamous Champion but she doubted that it was necessary to find out either. There were no apparent dangers nor were there any suspicious characters traveling about near Redcliffe. The Arl's military could fend off anyone lurking about the castle walls or countryside and easily dispatch any thieves or bandits.

With a heavy sigh she brought her gaze to the renegade mage whose physical appearance was gaunt and ragged, which she was sure wasn't all a result of the journey from Kirkwall. Raising a suspicious brow, she leaned towards him. Sensing this, Anders' eyes darted towards her, looking wild and pensive. Surana smiled wearily. "Anders…Vengeance must sense my intentions for you to be so alert without 3 days worth of sleep in you."

The mage averted his eyes back to the fire with a relaxed gaze. "He does not approve of your presence, if you must know, Commander."

An unladylike snort left her lips. "That I should care of his opinions is something he must only dream about. That spirit better watch himself or I will smite him."

"You may end up smiting me in the process, my friend."

Surana chuckled. "As much as I hate to say it, you are in need of a good smiting given your past behaviors. It only seems appropriate that I do it for you as well."

Cringing at the thought of her power, Anders nodded but leaned further away from her until his back was practically molded to the chair upon which he sat. The hall was relatively quiet save for their own conversation and the crackling fire but neither one felt compelled to discuss the mabari in the room, so to speak. Sighing, Surana placed her elbows on her knees and eyed Anders wearily. They both knew what she was about to say, what she was about to announce and neither wanted to address it. It had been a long time since he had thought about it and even longer for both of them to want to acknowledge it.

"Anders…"

"Yes?"

"When you and Justice made this contract…what were your original feelings and thoughts?" Surana appeared to be contemplating his every reaction.

Anders bristled at this though he wasn't sure if it was him or Vengeance who was really bothered by the question. "Truth be told, Commander…I had an extreme hatred for the Templars and their mistreatment of Mages. I do believe that my feelings and thoughts warped the sense of Justice that has now become Vengeance. My very own feelings…my very own thoughts…" he glanced briefly at his hands as if there was real blood on them at that moment. "They have destroyed the benevolence of Justice, corrupted it. I have…ruined a friend. I am…paying for my selfishness and my sins. I will not rest until I have repaid my debt to so many innocent lives."

"I will hold you to these words, my friend; even if it means your end. I will do what I now know Hawke cannot," she supplied in a clipped, firm tone that had the rebel mage nod, offering a weak smile of thanks. "Anders." The elf placed a gentle comforting hand on his arm, an understanding smile on her face. "I do this…because I care about you, and our friendship. If you should not make it to the Deep Roads for a glorious end…I will be sure you have, at the very least, a justified one."

"Commander…"

"I do this, Anders; I make this promise for you. I cannot let you continue to live if Vengeance cannot be removed, or assuaged. I make this promise to you, and to the Champion, to save you. As your commander I refuse to allow you to fall as another being and not as the Anders I remember. If that be selfish I will take such consequences, for I am your Commander. If that I could fulfill my own selfish desires…then I could not hold such a title or the responsibilities that accompany it." She stood suddenly and cupped his face in her small, calloused hands, gently brushing her lips against his forehead. "My very dearest Anders…I will save you, if not for you, then for her."

The tears threatened to fall from his cinnamon colored eyes and Anders felt his world crumbling at the thought of no future with his beloved. When he finally brought his watery gaze to hers he could see the pain and heartache of her own soul reflecting back at him. He knew they were kindred souls with the same pain though through different circumstances. She held back her own tears at the thought of a love that was never to be, at the thought of her heart breaking over and over again from denial after denial of her deepest wants and desires. Alistair, their king, would never be hers—it could not be. And while her love for him, and his for her would not disappear they could not be anything more than fellow Grey Wardens. Anders watched, somewhat astonished and hurt, when one tear slipped past her tired eyelids, the pristine droplet traveling agonizingly slow on the surface of her dirtied cheek. He felt for his Commander—all his dreams revolved around Hawke, around a woman who refused to let him have her until he paid for his mistakes. In that moment, they both understood the path their lives had taken, whether by choice or not. The path and life of a Grey Warden was not without its many pains and hardships; personal wants and needs were of no consequence when it came to the duties of the Wardens. An oath was an oath and Surana knew that she, personally, would die for it regardless of love. Duncan had taught both she and Alistair this.

And while Anders did not know the former Warden Commander personally, he had heard great stories and tales of his valiancy, his courage, his compassion and understanding of the duties the Grey Warden position entailed. He had even seen him at the Circle recruiting mages for the Grey Wardens but did not know that Surana, one of the many elven mages there, would be chosen. It seemed as though misfortune was high on their list and it would be no better as time passed. With a heavy sigh Surana removed herself from Anders, wiping the stray tear away before whirling around to make her way into her quarters; Anders remained in his seat. She paused momentarily by the door to offer him a frown, one that demonstrated the stress about to fall upon them.

"Anders?"

"Yes?"

"If this fight should kill us—and it most likely will despite our prayers to the Maker—do not forget to at least, just once, show her how much you love her." She turned her back to him again but her words were stark in the quiet of the room. "Do not let her slip through your fingers…it will be your biggest regret."

In the quiet of her own room Surana sat on her bed, the tears burning her tired eyelids to the point where she was sure she could no longer hold them back. And so in the quiet of her room she let them fall, one by one, down her dirtied face. Her body felt weak and weary, her heart broken and empty. She knew where Alistair currently was thanks to Zevran. Now that she was with the Champion she saw fit to send her loyal companion elsewhere, preferably to keep an eye on her semi-catastrophic and clueless lover. In her mind's eye, if she herself could not protect him then she would send someone who could at least try, and at least keep watch over him. Her duty as Warden Commander, technically, did not allow for the meddling in the affairs of others, especially those not directly affected by the Darkspawn. Political and religious warfare was not her concern. However, now that the Darkspawn were suddenly resurfacing and for unknown reasons it was her duty to find out the reasons why. In the midst of all this it would be wise, she'd decided, to enlist the help of the Champion and her companions. She knew, eventually, she would have to confront Leiliana and Cassandra but she wanted to hold that off until she found out more information. The last person she would see was the first person she always wanted to see.

'Alistair…do you think of me as often as I think of you, my love?' She stared out the window, having blown out the candle in her room upon entering it. She could distinctly remember his bumbling words at the campfire, how he stumbled and awkwardly confessed his love to her. The mere thought made a smile grace her chapped lips, a warm feeling filling her for the briefest moment before dying out to leave a coldness she'd become accustomed to. Yet her mind was constantly filled with thoughts of him, of them, of what had been and what would not be. She savored the few moments they crossed paths and their schedule permitted. In a way, they were both forced to choose duty over love. It was something she felt Hawke was aware of though she may not have understood it to the extent Surana now did. Nevertheless, she felt they had a bond because of this. Anders and Alistair had done what they had to. Hawke and Surana had done the same. The outcomes were less than desirable but for a Grey Warden duty came first; for Hawke, her loyalty to innocents lost was above all things.

She was still mulling over this idea when there was a soft knock on her door, barely audible by most standards but thanks to her sharpened elven senses she did hear it. Sighing, she quickly wiped her tears as best as possible and walked over to answer it. To her surprise she found Hawke on the other side, shifting from foot to foot. "Yes? To what do I owe the pleasure, Champion?"

"Hawke, please, Hero."

"Then you must call me Surana. Formalities have never sat well with my companions, previous and current," came her steady reply. She allowed Hawke into her room, closing the door behind her before they both took a seat on her comfortable bed. Arl Eamon spared no expense in making his abode livable as well as comfortable. "What brings you here so late, Hawke? Surely you need some rest."

"As do you, Surana," she answered with a sleepy smile. "I can see the worry etched onto your face." Before the elf could say anything Hawke raised a hand to stop her. "Please, listen to me this once. I only came to discuss how you're feeling about…the King."

Surana blanched, paling a bit at the inquiry. While it was true she did miss him terribly she had hardly ever spoken to anyone about it. Truth be told no one ever bothered to ask her either; she was used to remaining emotionless and vague when it came to her love. She was the Warden Commander, first and foremost. "I…it is…not something you should concern yourself with, Hawke. At such a late hour it would be best if you rested. Such matters are trivial in the bigger scheme of things."

Hawke rolled her eyes in a way that very much reminded Surana of her times and life in the Circle followed, shortly thereafter, by her time on the road as a Warden. "Look, I may not be all knowing or wise or even mature in your eyes. But I know this. You are hurting, and I don't know the last time you shared anything about a love you gave up. You do love the king, don't you?" When Surana paled ever further Hawke knew she had hit a sore spot. "I'm not saying tell me all your secrets. I respect you far too much to push in such a way, especially since we only just met. But as a woman, one who is in a similar situation…I would only extend my ear to listen if you should like. Regardless of the fact that you're the Warden Commander…you are, firstly, a woman. And you have feelings. Elves, no race really, are exempt from such things."

Allowing her shoulders to fall just a bit, Surana nodded. "It…it has been so very long since anyone dared to ask about such a topic. You must understand Hawke…a woman in my position—in your position—cannot afford to let feelings get in the way. My duty is the most important thing in my life now. As a Warden, we take a lifelong oath, even when life is short for us, we mustn't stray from our responsibilities. My love for the King is…of little consequence when the Darkspawn run rampant. In order to keep Ferelden safe…another Blight cannot be permitted. If I must die for this, then I must die for it."

"I wish I had your dedication," Hawke supplied with a frown. "I must admit…I am afraid to make such a sacrifice though I know to end this war…I most likely will not survive."

"Such a concept is hard to accept but I will die long before you, should you survive this," Surana answered genuinely. "I have vowed to do all in my power to keep you safe. The world…all of Thedas, needs someone like you, Hawke. It needs a leader; the Mages need you."

For not knowing the Hero so well Hawke certainly felt very comfortable around her. As a result she threw her hands in the air in frustration. "You sound just like Anders, so ready to die for a place that does not even care for you."

The elf laughed, a weary but amused and musical sound that was surprisingly pleasant to Hawke's tired ears. "Oh, Hawke, Anders and I are similar in this regard due to the fact that being a Warden requires a separation from caring about oneself as opposed to the greater good." Hawke scowled at her and Surana let out another laugh. "It may seem like a blind sense of duty but please understand, dear Champion, I do this because I would see the people of Ferelden free of this terror, and that our King should live." She glanced away suddenly, the air around them becoming solemn. "We lost a King once…I would see to it that we do not lose our current one as well."

"You must really love King Alistair."

Nodding slowly, the elf let a small smile grace her lips. "Yes, I…would do what I could, what I eventually must, to see him survive this and keep his throne even after I perish." Hawke watched as Surana's hand slipped into the folds of her robes by her chest. The younger woman didn't have to see to know that the Hero was holding something close to her heart. "I may not be able to be with him but I know that poor, clueless adorable man loves me. And I him. Alistair is…unlike any King Ferelden has ever had. I can say this with knowledge and experience."

Hawke could hear the adoration and feeling in Surana's words and suddenly her thoughts drifted to an image of Anders, striking, dangerously handsome in his deep, Prussian blue mages robes. It made a jolt shoot through her spine that left her reeling and slightly unsettled. She was sure it went unnoticed until she looked up from her hands and found Surana observing her intently.

"What?"

"It would seem that your connection to Anders goes far deeper than even you could have imagined. For him to do such a thing…for this new development to have hindered you both in such a manner; it seems that this connection is not just Fade based."

Hawke opened her mouth, struggling for words. "I don't understand your meaning."

Surana stood quickly and went to stand by the window, fingers rubbing her chin in thoughtfulness. "I would venture to think that your connection to him is interfering heavily with his bond to Vengeance. It is almost as if your very presence disrupts their agreement to the extent that he finds you a nuisance."

"He would have me killed, and would have killed me already in all my foolishness if not for Anders…feelings," the young woman replied, her voice low. "I have behaved most irrationally when it comes to Anders. I cannot control it no matter how hard I try."

"When one is in love that does tend to happen. At times we are foolish in our decisions because the heart cannot be dictated or swayed by most logic. While it may work for some time, it will not work forever." Surana leaned her head against the window pane. "It is time, Hawke, for us both to take a rest."

The younger woman nodded and began to exit the room when she ran into a figure on the other side. Before them both stood Arl Eamon with Conner at his side, smiling jovially. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visiting this evening, Eamon?"

Hawke took a cautious step back into Surana's room and allowed for the Arl and his son to enter. A strikingly strong but calm man, Arl Eamon granted them both a kind smile. "Commander, yes, I have come with news of Alistair."

"The King?" the words slipped from Hawke's mouth, aghast.

Surana's brow wrinkled. "Yes…what news have you?"

"Conner?"

Both the Champion and the Hero brought their attention to the young man standing in front of them. Conner coughed for a moment. "Mistress Surana, I was scouting by the outer edges of Redcliffe Village when I discovered a man following the King's trail. I did not approach him but he seemed weary, and as though he knew my presence."

"Zevran."

Conner nodded. "Yes, the Antivan Crow Assassin who traveled with you. But there was yet another man with him, a man with long black hair and he also carried a crossbow like Zevran. I do not remember father mentioning him as a part of Alistair's watch party. It seemed best to warn you as soon as you returned here."

"A crossbow you say?" She smiled. "Thank you for this information, Conner. I would imagine that it was Nathaniel Howe. It would seem he was able to join with Zevran as I requested." She turned to Arl Eamon. "It seems that Nathaniel joining Zevran has confirmed my belief that the Darkspawn are on the move, no doubt exploiting whatever weaknesses they have found since this war began."

"Yes," Eamon replied while narrowing his eyes. "And it would seem that First Enchanter Irving has requested your presence at the Circle much sooner than either I or Alistair expected. While he has managed to keep it safe and the mages residing there remain loyal to his words, I fear we cannot delay the inevitable too much longer by his word alone. The mages there will be looking for the one who freed them," his eyes traveled to Hawke, his brow furrowed in worry. "And the one who has thrown Thedas into chaos and them into a war they did not wish for."

Hawke felt a hot blush of embarrassment rise to the roots of her hair, her fists clenched angrily. "I assure you sir—"

He raised a hand. "And I assure you, Champion, that your valor will captivate them very much like the Commander's did. However, I would be most unfair, and quite the liar, if I did not say that their respect will need to be commanded. What Anders has done will certainly not sit well with some though it might encourage others—the few older mages that are left will probably remember him as well. I only hope that you and Surana are able to quell the horrible atrocities before too many lives are lost."

With that said the Arl departed her room and Surana, once again, fell back to her bed in deep thought. Hawke joined her quickly with an eagerness neither had really expected. "It seems, Hawke, we will not be resting as much as I had hoped. I need to find Anders. Would you please find Merrill for me? I need every mage in this room within a few minutes."

Seconds later Merrill burst through the door with Anders trailing apprehensively behind her. "Lethallan! What is it?"

"Commander?" Anders looked tired.

Surana nodded. "We leave for the docks of Lake Calenhad in the morning. I am most sorry for our stay being so short but I need to speak with First Enchanter Irving and Hawke must accompany me. As mages—Blood Mage or Spirit-possessed matters not—I need you there."

Anders paused at this. "You're sure? The First Enchanter will be most surprised and, if I may say, most unnerved to see me there now after…all this time. He believes me dead. And then there's…Vengeance."

"I will explain all to him once we arrive. I have something extremely important to speak to him about in regards to…Hawke. You understand." The statement was made without room for rebuttal or refusal. Anders' shoulders sagged and he nodded his assent while Merrill quickly clapped her hands. "Merrill, you will need to refrain from any usage of Blood Magic around the First Enchanter, am I understood? Irving will not take kindly to such, elven or otherwise, considering this is what killed so many of our mages during the Blight."

The blood mage nodded. "Yes, Lethallan, I will heed your words."

Hawke bit her lip. "Surana…what will the rest of the party do? I can't say that I believe Fenris will be okay with this…as he despises mages."

"The rest of the party can certainly remain at the Circle's entrance or wander outside its walls as they please. I only ask that they do not harm any of the residents nor do they cause unnecessary trouble. As for your brother, Carver…I would ask that he refrain from causing any incidents with these particular Circle Mages. Though they may not take too kindly to him being a Templar I would hope that he can control himself. These are freed mages and will not take too kindly to have any Templars attempt to…use the Order. Is this understood?"

The Champion nodded. "Yes, I will speak to him personally regarding the matter. And the rest of my party. Please, if you'll excuse me. Merrill, I believe your influence could help, if you don't mind, Surana. Come on, Merrill."

With that said the Dalish elf waved farewell to the Hero and made her way towards the others rooms with Hawke. Anders sighed at the scene of Hawke barely acknowledging him. Once she was sure they were gone Surana patted the space next to her for Anders to sit down, which he gladly did with a clear expression of exhaustion. He was beyond the point where sleep seemed to claim him anymore. When he looked at his companion she too seemed weary and forlorn. "Surana…you have been thinking of him again?"

"Hawke came in to speak to me about it. Anders…it has been so very long since I was able to let myself feel…anything let alone acknowledge the fact that we will never have a life together. Love is but a sacrifice in the wake of duty and I would see that his role as King is fulfilled until it is time to answer The Call."

"That makes two of us," he whispered back.

She placed her hand over his in a comforting gesture. "It seems that our time with our loved ones grows shorter by every minute. Tell me, my friend, do you intend to remain with Hawke after this? Have you yet spoken to her about the Warden's Call?"

"I have the distinct feeling we will be dying together, though perhaps not as romantically as in the tales of old." He let out a sigh. "Honestly, all I think about, now that the world has been thrown into chaos, is taking Hawke into my arms and holding her until I absolutely have to let go. And I always wish that I will never have to." He paused again. "And I have not mentioned anything about the Deep Roads. It weighs on my mind."

With a deep, elongated and heartfelt sigh the elven mage stood to look out her window again, noting how the stars were sparkling in the darkened sky with all their might. A piece of her heart felt like it died every time she thought of the stars and their freedom. She hoped Hawke could yet fix as much of this as she could before it was time to go into the Deep Roads. Turning to Anders, she pointed to the bed. "Get some rest Anders. I will stand watch first." He seemed reluctant to agree but eventually he let whatever semblance of sleep he could attain ease itself into his worn body. With a forlorn smile Surana turned her back to him. She'd accepted that her life would never be easy once she'd gone through the Warden Ritual but she had, foolishly, thought there would be plenty of time once the Blight was over. And time was what they didn't have any more.

Time was never something she had felt so strongly about until now.

Hawke felt her eyelids burning again though whether with unshed tears or anxiety regarding their impending journey to the Circle of Magi, she wasn't sure. As it was she happened to be completely unprepared for a lecture on behavior at the Circle for her companions. She just knew Fenris wouldn't take any of it lightly since he was still very much in hate with all mages—save for her. Merrill seemed content to walk silently next to her with a nervousness she didn't quite understand but was unwilling, at the moment, to inquire about with such a tired mind. She was sure Aveline and Donnic would present no problems and, if she was lucky, Carver would take it upon himself to entertain Merrill. Isabela, on the other hand, she knew she would need by her side for support and general liveliness. Sighing, she decided to leave Merrill with Carver and make her way towards Isabela's quarters with a hope that the Pirate Queen wasn't with any sort of sordid company. 'Or Fenris on his back,' she mused. But Merrill asked to remain with her. When she knocked on the closed door she was greeted with an uncharacteristic squeal and what sounded like someone cursing. 'Dammit…bad timing, I guess,' she thought when the door opened just a crack to reveal Isabela's disheveled hair.

"Oh, Hawke, fancy seeing you at this time. What can I do you f—I mean what do you need, Sweet thing?"

Hawke rolled her eyes but kept her voice low. "Isabela, I know Fenris is in there so why don't you two clean up and join me in the dining hall in about a half hour? I need to discuss something with everyone."

The door closed and she began to make her way back to the main hall, only stopping for a moment to drop of Merrill at her room before continuing her trek. She was exhausted, her body needed rest and she needed food so badly it hurt. She had spent enough time in the Hero's company during the current evening that she felt like, despite whatever differences they had, she knew Surana now on a personal level. She may not know her like Anders but she felt a kinsman ship with her that lacked heavily with her other companions, save for Anders himself. It was nice, she thought, to have someone to speak to about a mutual dilemma. Shaking her head, Hawke entered the dining area where there was still a servant or two cleaning. Feeling like she was intruding she made to leave quickly so they could continue her work but she was stopped shortly by one of them.

"Messere, please, come in and sit. Would you like anything to eat?" Hawke couldn't deny the rumble of her stomach; the servant eyed her. Apparently they had heard it as well and the servant extended a hand towards the Champion. "Please, Messere, sit. We will bring you something to eat. The Arl would be most offended if you did not partake in something to soothe that rumbling stomach of yours."

Nodding in order to not offend the servant herself, she decided to take a seat and indulge in something to eat. It had been so long since she had eaten anything of real substance let alone in a lavish dining hall with servants and food readily available. After all, they were staying with Arl Eamon. She was only mildly surprised when Merrill, Aveline, Fenris, Carver and Isabela joined her at the dinner table just when the servant brought out what looked like a hearty beef stew with slices of bread and cheese. It didn't take much encouragement or prompting to get the entire table to eat portions of the food. Hawke was ravenous and it almost brought tears to her eyes when she realized how much she'd been starving herself. Idly, she wondered if Anders had partaken in any food recently. The thought was lost shortly thereafter when the aroma of the delicious food wafted up into her nostrils. Tears of contentment and despair burned her eyelids at the thought that they were to continue on such an arduous journey. A small, slowly fading part of her was trying to ignore the fact that this would never be the reality or her life; but how she craved it. 'Must get past this right now,' she thought with a bitterness she didn't like in herself. To her right Isabela was drinking wine from a pewter mug a servant had placed next to her and it seemed all the more reason of loosening her up. The Pirate was close to throwing herself on the Elf's lap, which Fenris hadn't seemed to notice as he continued to eat.

"Oh damn the Maker!" She practically shouted when Carver clumsily knocked over his own mug, spilling red Antivan wine all over her enchanted robes. Merrill couldn't suppress her own giggle and would have choked had Isabela not quickly performed a maneuver that had the Blood Mage spitting her food out onto the floor. All the while Fenris ate on as if nothing had transpired. Hawke rolled her eyes while she mopped at her robes with a rag a random servant suddenly brought to them. "Maker above Carver, watch it with your clumsy hands!"

Carver looked absolutely insulted by the remark even as he helped Merrill clean up the food she'd spit up. "I would apologize but something tells me you could care less about such a thing, sister."

"Whatever, Carver. I'm tired and I would just, this once, like to eat in peace." She said nothing further, reverting her attention back to her bowl with very little to no interest in pursuing an argument with her younger brother. Just when her thoughts started to stray into a disastrous realm revolving around Bethany and Leandra, Varric walked into the hall. She raised her gaze to meet his. "Yes, Varric?"

"Nothing, just observing Daisy and Junior here." Carver shot Varric a dirty look but the dwarf only chuckled. "Seems another fitting insert for my story, Hawke." A snort was heard in the hall. "Anyway, I did need to speak with you if it's possible."

She waved him away. "Alright, just let me finish eating then I'll join you in the hall. But I need to return here. I need to speak with everyone about our journey to the Circle of Magi." Somewhere, in the deep recesses of her mind Hawke cursed her luck.

Isabela let out a long, tired yawn as she stretched in front of her bed. Fenris had returned, albeit quietly, to his own room while she split towards hers without so much as a backward glance or inquiry about his actions. Once on her bed the Siren flopped onto her back and stared at the ceiling with an interest she didn't really feel. The conversation she'd had with Hawke was weighing heavily on her mind when there was a knock at her door. She sat up quickly; glad no one could see her actions within the privacy of her dormitory. 'Fenris?' She wondered, idly, if he'd decided to return after all but the female voice that asked permission to enter caused Isabela's unabashed and private smile to falter. Putting on her best mischievous face, the rogue opened the door, leaning on the post in a seductive manner. "Why hello there, Hawke. Come to join me in my bedchambers for an evening romp? I imagine that stick in the mud hasn't put wind in your sails recently."

Hawke snorted in an unladylike manner before crossing her arms over her chest. "Actually…as lovely as having someone shine my rudders sounds I came to check on you. Other than trying to climb your way into Fenris' lap, you were awfully quiet my friend. What's on your mind?"

The pirate shot her a warning look to which Hawke rolled her eyes and all but shoved the dark skinned beauty into her own room, closing the door behind her. Isabela huffed at this action. "Look Hawke, I already told you, this is not about feelings. They're stupid. They complicate things. And I will never be tied down again."

"Then enlighten me if you will, what is this that you've been doing?" Hawke spread her arms wide and smirked. "Staying with me, what do you call that Isabela? You've tied yourself down to me. And don't misunderstand; I appreciate it and I'm glad of it. But this…fear you have of hurting someone…I wish you could let it go."

Turning away, the black haired woman clenched her fists in frustration. "I don't think I can do that, sweet thing. Love is not in my cards and it never will be."

"You say that like you're proud of it. And I'll bet you have been all these years. But what about now?" Hawke's hand was on the pirate's shoulder before she could turn around. "You have been there for me, my friend—like a sister. Please, let me be here for you."

Isabela shrugged it off but didn't ignore her friend, instead turning to look Hawke in the eye. "I ask myself sometimes, why I'm still here and try to figure out a way to just…leave. And yet nothing I say to myself, nothing I do can convince me otherwise." Hawke shot her a thoroughly bored and irritated look to which Isabela finally threw her hands up when she realized the mage was not buying it. "Okay, look…" she paused. "I'm not good at this. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. But I cannot go from disparaging love and ignoring feelings to suddenly accepting the minute possibility that I am still capable of such things."

Hawke smiled wearily. "Isabela…I never said you were in love with Fenris, but perhaps there are some…feelings worth looking into this time. I would never force you into something you didn't want, or subconsciously want. But I am worried about you."

"Not my ability to focus on fighting?" She 'hmphed' in offense. "It's not like I'm staring at Fenris' ass through battle even though I do love the view."

"Can't say I don't understand the feeling…" Hawke trailed.

The Pirate Queen sidled over to the Force Mage with a subliminal smile. "Sweet thing, are you trying to tell me that you stare at Anders during battle?"

"How did we get back to discussing my sex and love life as opposed to yours?"

The black haired woman threw her head back in laughter. "Because yours is far more interesting, especially since Anders can do that electricity trick!"

"A trick I have yet to receive along with even the barest of touches, 'Bela," Hawke snapped irritably. "I swear…you blur the lines of all possibilities and test my patience to the point of nausea."

"But that's why you love me!" Isabela said, her smile all teeth.

Rubbing her temples Hawke could do nothing better but nod at the ridiculous statement though it did make her laugh inside. "Anyway, it's late and I'm tired. Perhaps we should continue this discussion later?"

"You mean I get to bed you now?"

Hawke simmered. "Isabela…"

"Alright, alright, I get it. We'll talk after you've rested and you're not so grumpy!"

"And when you're not so apt to avoiding the topic at hand!"

"Is something the matter?"

Both women froze at the masculine voice with Isabela blushing to the roots of her hair while a suddenly sly smile placed Hawke's lips. She slowly turned to the door. "Why, Fenris, no. Nothing wrong at all. I was just leaving." She quickly exited the door but not before throwing the Siren a smirk. "We will continue this discussion tomorrow."

She didn't wait to hear them start discussing or whatever they were doing. Instead, she made her way towards her own bedroom with such haste it seemed as if she was outrunning a demon. She had suspected—and it wasn't like Isabela had denied it—that they were sleeping together but she also suspected that there was more to it. Isabela could have been sleeping with him due to the short supply of men in their midst but it when they'd entered Redcliffe she had yet to sleep with anyone else. Sure, the Pirate Queen had entertained many and flirted with all the singletons in the village but she had not bedded any of them, yet. And she wasn't sure the pirate would be doing so. She had heard their hushed voices when walking away but wasn't too interested in actually hearing what they were saying. Her head was aching and her belly felt full enough to burst. As it was she still had to get back to the dining hall to speak with Varric. Everyone had already expressed their concern and distaste, in some cases, at heading towards the Circle at Lake Calenhad but she didn't get any particularly vicious remarks from anyone other than Fenris. Even he had seemed more subdued and she was sure this was directly related to how much he was quenching his physical needs. Isabela wasn't one to deny such needs for too long, especially in herself.

With a sigh, Hawke laid on her bed, hands over her eyes as tears leaked out from the sides. They slid slowly down her cheeks to her neck where they seemed to create a damp pool at the hem of her collar. Her body felt weary and tired, weak and stressed. Her heart ached, oh how it ached; with a deep rooted pain that agonized not only her subconscious, but her conscious thoughts as well. Day in and day out she thought of Anders, of every sweet moment they'd shared, of every touch, whisper, kiss that they'd shared throughout their time at Kirkwall. And it made the ache worsen to the point where Hawke felt that only the unforgiving arms of death itself would ease the feelings of despair that consumed her soul. She felt her resolve weakening as time passed. Her will to carry on their love, to believe in it and see it though had begun to falter. Lately it felt like her world of hope grew smaller, and smaller, until she was sure there would be nothing left to grasp. The string that attached them together was wearing thin, thin like the veil and her connection to his heart was beginning to vanish before her very eyes. Hawke couldn't fathom a life without Anders. Call it melodramatics but this was it for her. There had never been a time before this where she'd felt like anyone was the end all of her relationship with love. But this, this was something so deep, so strong and ridiculously satisfying that, had she been any other person, it bordered on an unhealthy obsessions.

But it was not an obsession by any means; Hawke was in love, unconditionally, with the mage. Her love was unadulterated, insane and even sick to others who didn't understand the depth of her feelings. Or perhaps they did and knew it was horrible for her. Yet all she wanted, all she craved with an intense urge was to crawl into Anders arms and stay there forever. His embrace would be warm, it would be comforting, and she would feel safe. Even with all that had happened, even with Vengeance lurking beneath his broken façade she knew that with Anders, all worries, all things disappeared. It was her haven. He was her haven. And their mutual love was what kept her going even if it wasn't what kept him going. 'How do I know that it isn't?' The thought fell away quickly when her body realized she was on a comfortable bed and fatigue began to pull at her thoughts and body. Nestling close to her pillow and burrowing her face in it, Hawke was finally able to drift off into a much needed slumber. The nightmares of Kirkwall's destruction and all the deaths shadowed her dreams, only vaguely penetrated by a shimmering blue light she was all too familiar with now.

They were on schedule according to Surana. Hawke forcibly bit back a yawn while they continued their even pace towards the Circle. The war had not spared many parts of Ferelden as was demonstrated by the current landscape and even suspicious folk who had hid in the forests among them. Anders continued to travel behind Surana and in front of Aveline, the view still a constant reminder that he was dangerous and had to be transported like a prisoner. Kirkwall, the City of Slaves, the City of the Gallows, was a constant annoying thought in her head during the journey to the Circle. But Merrill, ever the innocent, had rejoiced in seeing the mostly intact visage of Lake Calenhad to their sides. The water was, more or less, clean and pristine. It reminded her of the times when she and her siblings would go off of their property and wander to the nearby streams. The water had been fresh and full of life like the water she gazed at now. Lothering, while not a rich place, had still been her home and she missed it terribly all these years later. With a sigh Hawke brought her mind back to the present, almost tripping on her own feet from the reverie when she noticed the top of the Circle tower in the distance. It seemed ominous and she had a sudden sense of dreadful foreboding that made her want to disappear into a hole.

For her part Surana seemed unfazed but then again, Hawke still couldn't quite read the elvhen mage well enough to decipher whether Surana was unsettled or not. Anders, also, gave no inclination of her mood. His face was a complete blank slate during their walk to the Circle. It was irking to Hawke in a way she didn't feel comfortable with though not as extreme in comparison to their unspoken and unexplained connection to each. And the fade. Sighing, she quickened her pace to bypass the rebel mage and hurried herself until she caught up with Surana. The Arcane mage smiled at the sight of the Champion.

"You're nervous?"

Hawke nodded slowly. "Yes, a bit. I have never met First Enchanter Irving. Nor have I ever met freed mages before…that weren't considered apostates. The fact that things have to come to this when it was clear the Circles could be managed on their own…"

"Not all First Enchanters are quite the caliber of Irving, I assure you. Orsino was a weak link in the Mages plight."

Hawke bristled at Anders comment but said nothing in response to his snarky attitude. It was bad enough that she'd dreamed of him the night before to such a magnitude she almost wanted to kill her brain for waking up and interrupting her dream. Ignoring Anders, she continued to talk to the Hero. "I just wish…well, I wish things could've been different."

Surana, who had indeed heard Anders comment, simply nodded in agreement. "These are the tests that would define our character, Hawke. Do not despair. We will find a way to right this yet."

"Your positivity is astounding for a mage," Fenris replied. Hawke jumped, not even realizing her had come up next to her. He shot her an inquisitive look before bringing his attention back to Surana. "It seems I have…misjudged you. Hawke has told me that my distrust of mages is…unwise to share here at this Circle."

The elven mage nodded. "Indeed. We will find out whether such a precaution is necessary once we reach the Circle. I am not sure how many mages remain there nor do I know the state of the Circle but I would hope unnecessary violence and unsavory attitudes will…remain unneeded."

It was odd, to Hawke, seeing Fenris suddenly take an interest in the Hero's words. Rolling her eyes in irritation because this was coming out of nowhere to her, she allowed herself to fall behind again while Surana and Fenris continued their strange but engaged conversation. Instead, she fell all the way back until she was side by side with Carver. Merrill seemed to sense that Hawke wanted to speak to her brother alone and quickly strode up to Isabela. The Pirate Queen appeared all too willing to discuss "dirty" things with the innocent mage, which Hawke was grateful for—she needed to speak with Carver. Prepared for a long discussion, she opened her mouth just as they reached the border of the lake where a dock laid, still full intact, and a Templar still guarding it. Hawke felt Anders bristle but Surana placed a gentle hand on his arm before it could go anywhere.

"Good day, ser Carroll. My companions and I have need to cross the Lake. First Enchanter Irving and Knight-Commander Gregoir will have informed you of this."

The Templar nodded, his eyes ghosting over all the party members until they landed on Anders. "Wait a minute…have we met before?"

Anders quickly shook his head in annoyance. "I don't think so."

Surana quickly intervened. "Ser Carroll, the boat, if you please. I have some confections you might appreciate." She handed him what appeared to be a bag of cookies and Hawke felt her jaw drop. Within moments they were climbing in the boat to cross Lake Calenhad to enter the Circle Tower. While on the boat, the Hero leaned over to Hawke with a mischievous grin on her face of which the likes were only shadowed by her own stoicism. "Long ago, I was here for this very reason with my old companions. Ser Carroll has ingested so much lyrium over the years that Knight-Commander Gregoir was forced to…relocate his services. He's quite…dedicated to this role."

Hawke and Carver both exchanged a quick look since Carver himself was a former Templar himself; Hawke had to cover her mouth before the laugh left her lips. Carver's brow knitted in concern. "Do they…all get like that?"

Surana shook her head. "No, not all. Ser Cullen lost his mind without the lyrium, especially after Uldred destroyed the tower."

"Knight-Captain Cullen who served under Knight-Commander Meredith?" Surana nodded. Hawke rubbed her temples. "Is there anyone you don't know or have connections with? I feel like my head is spinning every time we speak." She suddenly threw her hands up in the air, narrowly missing hitting Carver in the face. "Sometimes it feels like my head is going to explode from this ridiculous amount of information. Surana, please tell me you will fill me in more when we arrive? I wouldn't want to die from a blow to the head."

Surana suddenly giggled in an uncharacteristic manner before nodding. "That, we both have in common."

Moments later they had reached the docks of the Circle Tower to be greeted by three figures waiting outside its entrance. Hawke watched with renewed interest while Surana tightly grasped her hand and led her up to the figures standing before them. Immediately she noticed two of them were men, one as the First Enchanter, the other as the Knight-Commander. The other was an elderly woman with white hair and heavy magic waves rolling off of her tall, thin form. Her arms were crossed in an almost foreboding manner and Hawke was weary of her until Surana walked up to meet them. Extending her hands, the Hero placed them on the older woman's forearms and smiled widely.

"Wynne, it is so very good to see you again, my friend."

The woman's aged face suddenly broke into a smile. "Yes, Surana, it is wonderful to have you back here."

The older man, who Hawke figured was Irving, nodded enthusiastically. "It has been far too long. Our King was here not too long ago in search of you. I could only be honest. The mages here will welcome your return, my dear. Many have missed your presence, normal as it is for you to be gone for long periods of time."

Surana nodded. "Yes, it has been so very long."

Knight-Commander Gregoir stepped up and raised a hand in a meager welcome. "That you've returned must mean there is news regarding the war. The fact that the Ferelden Circle isn't completely destroyed is only the barest ray of hope we have in these dark times. It seems that the Templar Order was also to blame, a fact that is irksome to those of us not against the mages. However," he looked sharply behind her. "It seems you have brought guests."

Surana took a deep breath. "Yes. Please, I must request that you hold your tempers and reservations." She practically dragged Hawke on her right side before them with Anders flanking her left side. The audible gasps were so loud it felt like they were on the precipice of a dangerous battlefield, which only made Hawke want to disappear into a black hole. "This is…Messere Hawke, Champion of what was once Kirkwall."

First Enchanter Irving's eyes narrowed at the sight of the infamous mages but he did not seem to dwell on Hawke's presence, his eyes focusing on the mage next to her. "Anders. Reports have mentioned, time and time again, you were dead." Anders blinked incomprehensibly, embarrassment blooming on his once confident, sarcastic face. Hawke didn't know whether to be worried or uncertain. "I am sure there is a good and lengthy explanation as to how you are still alive and what your involvement in this might be. It would seem I was wrong—you weren't as harmless as I once thought."

"The Mages have ruined all of Thedas!" Gregoir stepped forward with his sword raised to strike but Surana quickly blocked his path. "Why do you guard these mages? It is their fault that this treachery, this treason has befallen all of Thedas. The Chantry has been destroyed, the Circles rebelled, and the Templar order thrown into chaos. I cannot stand for this!"

"Your Templars are the reason things have become so bad. The Chantry is the reason the mages have rebelled. Your so called Order is the reason this war began. Do not claim to blame this all of myself and the mages when the whole of Thedas was to blame for this insufferable excuse of humane treatment!"

"An abomination!" Gregoir's eyes flashed with surprise at the comprehension of what the mage before him had become. "The mage that escaped the Circle seven times?" He pointed an accusing finger at Irving. "You should have slain him, made him tranquil when you had the chance!" He then turned to scowl at Surana in anger, in accusation as he continued to try to inch closer to Anders. "You harbor a murderer! I will have you slain this very instant for your crimes and the destruction of Thedas!"

"Your naiveté and constantly sustained ignorance will be your end, fool Templar. I shall slay you and every templar that remains in this realm. You will never touch another mage from this day forth!"

"Enough!" Surana's and Hawke's voices boomed at the same time. It was the Hero who continued, her eyes narrowed angrily while Hawke's chest heaved with adrenaline. "This foolishness will get us nowhere. The war has already begun and no amount of shouting or accusations will remedy such." She averted her eyes to the form of Anders, which was glowing blue, the cracks in his skin signaling Vengeance had overridden him. The venomous hiss in the arcane mage's voice did not go unnoticed. "Spirit, you will return to your place lest I destroy your human host at this moment."

"You wouldn't dare, Mage."

"Try me," she spat.

Without another word Vengeance disappeared but both Hawke and Surana knew that his patience was wearing thin and they were reaching a critical point with the spirit inhabiting Anders body. Hawke still held onto the hope that, despite Anders many statements saying they were one, the vengeful spirit could be separated from him. Once it seemed Anders had returned to them—albeit disoriented and unsure as to what happened—only then did both mages put down their staffs. They could also hear the clanking of swords and daggers, which signaled that Hawke's party had been ready to slay the mage, or protect her at the very least. She could hear Isabela's sing-song voice whispering to Fenris and Merrill from behind her while it was clear that Aveline was worrying like a sick mother about the atmosphere of tension that had erupted. Gesturing to the entrance before them, Hawke followed the four disgruntled party members through the large, wooden double doors before them. Hawke took a firm hold of Anders hand, instantly feeling the connection between them spark; including the distaste and hunger from Vengeance. Biting back any fear she had in that moment from what had just occurred, she didn't wait for any commentary nor did she give him a chance to deny her. Anders protests never made it from his mouth.

Once they'd passed the threshold of the Circle's entrance, Hawke turned to him with a genuine, determined smile despite her fear being palpable to him. He gave their joined hands an uncomfortable glance over, and then brought his cinnamon eyes, heavy with apprehension and despair to her pair. Willingly embracing him, she whispered to him with a shaking voice, feeling him trembling in her arms. She wished she could find the right words, any words, to let him know how much she needed him and wanted him around even if Vengeance wanted her blood. They still had yet to thoroughly and properly address the issue of their deep connection but she hoped First Enchanter Irving and this new mage, Wynne, could provide answers to such. Steeling her nerves and praying she appeared strong for them both, she leaned towards him, brushing her lips against his ear. In the dark times ahead of them, she didn't want to face it alone anymore.

"I'm with you, Anders. I'm with you, forever."

(AHHH! It's done, for now. OMG, I have so much left to do still—and it will probably clash with what's been put out by E3…ugh! Anyhow, the start of the search for the Darkspawn starts in the next chapter after a brief interlude at the Circle to explain the odd connection between Anders and Hawke, plus…exploring a POSSIBLE separation of Anders and Justice using Tevinter Magic. My deepest thanks to those who still read and review. My deepest apologies to those who no longer do because of my procrastination and other reasons. Regardless, I really, truly appreciate it. Thank you! I *heart* you all! This ate up so much of my time…must go work on other projects.)

~Sadistickunais