Yes it's finally here! The official guide to raising your own half vamipre kid! *cue cheering*

Vlad:kay now I'm nervous

Me:I'll mostly be torturing Otis more than Vlad so don't worry Vlad!

Vlad:umm thanks?

I actually had to retype this whole thing so sorry if it's not that good I rushed the second time. Also I know I said no more new stories until I finish my crossover but screw the promise.

Vlad:language

Also Vlad's not gonna be an emo little kid, he's gonna be a hyperactive kid because how many emo toddlers do you actually know.

Disclaimer:I own zilch. nada nothing.

Rule 1: thou must not allow your half-vampire kid to feed from humans (at least not until they're teenagers..)

"Please?" Tomas asked.

"No," Otis Otis shook his head, "I'm not going to baby-sit your two year old kid."

"He's three," Tomas automatically corrected, "Besides, it's the only way to keep Vlad safe."

"I don't care," Otis said stubbornly.

"Otis, he's a good kid, and he won't cause much trouble," Tomas pleaded.

"He's causing a lot of trouble in Elysia," Otis retorted.

"Please, I promise he's a good kid," Tomas begged.

Hating himself for saying this Otis glared at his brother, "Fine, for how long?"

Tomas grinned sheepishly, "A couple years or so?"

"No! I refuse!" Otis said, "A week at the most, but not a couple of years!"

"Otis you said so!" Tomas protested, "and quiet down, Vlad's upstairs taking his nap!"

"I hate you," Otis grumbled, "and if that kid dare calls me daddy you're dead."

"As if, you're not cool enough to be called daddy," Tomas smirked.

"Just get the kid," Otis grumbled.

A few minutes later Tomas was about to introduce his son to Otis when Vlad interrupted him.

Did he say something that convinced Otis watching the kid may not be so bad after all? Of course not.

"Daddy! Thewe's a weird man in the house!" he told his father the second he saw Otis.

Otis face-palmed.

"Vlad, that 'weird man' is your uncle, he's going to be taking care of you while I'm away for a while."

"You're leaving?" Vlad asked sadly.

Tomas nodded, "You'll be a good kid for Otis alright?" Tomas told him.

Vlad nodded, and while Vlad played with a toy tiger, Tomas explained the rules of the house to Otis and when he got to the rule about no killing humans Otis laughed, "You're kidding me right? How do you guys eat?"

"No, no killing humans," Tomas said, "He can't even pronounce his r's and l's properly and you want him going around killing people? That's just messed up. Right Vlad?"

"Wight!" Vlad confirmed, "Kiwing's bad," he told his uncle.

Tomas explained to Otis about Nelly, and how she'll help him, but she was currently at a conference for her work and she'll be gone for at least a week. Otis Otis was not a happy camper when he found out his brother told a human about vampires.

"I have to go now," Tomas told his family, checking his watch, "I have flight to Italy, I'm leading a false trail for Em and her followers."

"Bye daddy," Vlad said sadly, making his toy tiger wave.

Tomas said goodbye to his family and left.

Rule 2: thou must not leave thy half-vampire kid unattended.

Otis stared out the window for about five minutes wondering what just happened to his life. Vlad stared at his uncle curiously.

"How long will daddy be gone?" he asked.

"I don't know," Otis grumbled.

"One hour?" Vlad suggested.

"I wish."

"Two hours?"

"No."

"Three hours?"

"No."

Vlad paused to consider this, "A hudwed billion, trillion, million, thousand hours?" he asked.

"Yeah, something like that kid," Otis shrugged.

Vlad frowned musing over this new fact, but not before he brightened again, "Do you like tigews?" he asked excitedly.

"They're okay I guess," Otis answered.

"I like tigews," Vlad chattered happily, "This is Stwipes," he said showing his uncle his toy stuffed tiger, "he's a tiger. Newwy said tigews awe weally cats."

"I know," Otis replied.

Vlad paused and frowned at his uncle, "You're boring," he declared.

Otis was about to reply with, well you're annoying, but then he realized how childish that was.

"Go play with your tiger and leave me alone," he told his nephew.

Vlad instantly cheered up and ran outside the house, slamming the door with a thud.

Otis paused for a few minutes, enjoying every second of quiet when he realized that Tomas would kill him if he let his son go missing. Sighing, he walked outside.

"Vlad!" he called, "Where are you?"

"Hi uncle Otis!" he hears the gleeful cry of his nephew.

Good news: he found Vlad

Bad news: Vlad was on top of the roof.

"How'd you even get up there?" Otis complained, "It's not fair!"

Vlad giggled and Otis glared at him, "This isn't funny!"

"Should I jump down?" Vlad offered.

"NO! Don't jump down," Otis commanded, "I'll come up and get you."

Vlad nodded, Otis scanned around for any mortals who might be watching, and when he saw none he levitated onto the roof. Looking around Otis realized that Vlad had disappeared again. Otis face-palmed.

Looking at the ground Otis spotted Vlad sitting contently on the front steps of his house.

Otis face-palmed, and levitating onto the ground he sighed, this was going to be a long day.

Rule 3: thou must tell a bedtime story to get yur half-vampire kid to go to sleep.

Gratefully, it wasn't long before it was Vlad's bedtime.

"I'm not sleepy!" Vlad declared, playing with Striped the stuffed tiger.

"It's bedtime!" argued Otis.

Vlad frowned, "Are you good at telling bedtime stories?" he asked.

"Oh no, I am not telling you a bedtime st-"

"Then I'm not tired!" Vlad insisted.

"Fine I'll tell you a story," Otis relented.

Vlad grinned triumphantly.

"Once upon a time there were three bears-"

"Heawd that stowy," Vlad interrupted.

"Fine, once there was a girl called little red riding hood-"

"Heawd that one too," Vlad chirped.

Otis face-palmed.

"Why don't you make a stowy?" Vlad suggested, "Daddy does."

"Fine once there was a kid-"

"Is the kid a boy or a girl?" Vlad interrupted again.

"Umm boy, so one day the boy-"

"What the boy's name?" Vlad wondered out loud.

"The boy's name is Boy," Otis said, getting really annoyed.

"Why is his name Boy?"

"His parents were too lazy to think of another name."

"Poor boy," Vlad sympathized.

"Okay so one day's Boy's parents left-"

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"But you're telling the stowy, you should know!" Vlad insisted, Vlad paused for a second, "Stripes said you're bad at telling stowies."

"They left because of a meeting!" Otis shouted exasperated, "So they but ummm Oswald in charge."

"Who's Oswald?"

"The dad's brother."

"So Oswald the Great-"

"Why is he called Oswald the Gweat?" Vlad inquired.

"Because I said so, so one day Oswald the Great got so annoyed by Boy that he left Boy to take care of himself and Boy died. The end."

Vlad frowned, and Otis immediately began to worry he was going to cry, "Look Vlad-"

"That was the worst stowy evew!" The toddler proclaimed.

"Okay are you ready to go to sleep now?" Otis asked.

Vlad shook his head, "You have to check the closet for monsters," he instructed Otis.

Otis was about to protest when he thought better of it, "No monsters," he reported.

"Now you have to say goodnight," Vlad told him.

Otis said goodnight.

"Now I say goodnight, goodnight," Vlad said sweetly.

Otis nodded and fled downstairs to the safety of the living room, he was about to relax when-

"Uncle Otis, you forgot to say goodnight to Stripes!"

Otis face-palmed again.

Wow five face-palms in the first chapter... YEAH!

Vlad:good job...?

Me:Thanks, and yes there will be Otis/Nelly romance for all you romantic fans. (if Vlad doesn't ruin it...) so not only does it have your own guide to raising half vampire kids it also tells you how to get a girl! Well then again it only works if the girl works at a blood bank and you're a vampire and raising a half-vampire kid... So if you fill all these requirements congragulations!

Review for little Vlad and his toy tiger Stripes! Also if any of you have good ideas for me to use I'll be really grateful and you'll hava a mention in the chapter that I used you idea in.