Letters

(I've pretended that they found some way to bring albus dumbledore and Snape back to life somehow alright people)

James Sirius Potter was in the headmistresses office... again for pulling another prank, he thought it would be funny to enchant all the suits off armour to follow all the slytherins and sing "the loser song" and he also set off dung bombs in the corrider scaring mrs norris to death jumping at filch and scratching him like hell

"So" McGonagall said

"So" James replied

"You do realize your actions you did today Mr. Potter"

"What actions?" James said, acting stupidly

"Your actions off today, suits off armour, dung bombs, mrs norris, filch getting scratched to death by the cat"

"I dont know what your talking about" James said trying to look innocent

"I think you do know, i mean what is wrong with the potter generation, i mean honestly, you are far worser then your father and grandfather put together!"

James grinned making mcgonagall to glare at him

"I shall be writing your parents tonight again, since detentions seem to be doing nothing"

"Which parent? Mum or dad?"

"I said parents which means both of them"

"Oh hopefully Dad will get the letter and hide it from Mum, since Dad doesn't really do anything" James muttered

"What was that, Potter?

"Nothing, nothing, nothing" James said cooly

"You may now leave"

James stood up and left the McGonnagall's office

Proffesor McGonagall sat in her chair, dipped her quil in in and wrote

Dear Mr and Mrs Potter,

Your son James Sirius Potter has once again caused a disruption in the school, i've written so many letters to you that it has become a collection, he has broken the school record of trouble in his 4th year, whilst the maurders James Potter and Sirius Black in all their 7years are no where near caused the amount of trouble your son has. In all my years of teaching i never thought this was possible... i have given up now being formal in all my letter so please forgive me, so here goes...

Dear Harry and Ginny Potter,

Please controll your son, he has a talent for getting into trouble, hopefully you can do something, I mean in his 1st year in this school after the christmas holidays, when he and his friend Rory Pattinson missed the school train, (even worser then Harry's 2nd year when you drove to school in a flying car with Ronald Weasley and crashed into the womping willow)they decided to ride flying motorbikes, drive to school into them crashed down a wall and cheer and wave screaming at the top of their voices and got in a fight with Scorpious Malfoy causing an even worser disrupruption in the school hall causing them to to the hospital wing

And that is just one of the examples in his FIRST YEAR! Over the years he has got into trouble for worser things and more constantly! Please do something!

Here is a list your son James Sirius Potter, which i told him to write the things he must not do but you get the gist of it: this the the works he wrote so here it is enclosed with my letter

Things I must not do! by James S. Potter

1) I must not sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmasters office and especially not with house elves as background dancers

2) I must not ask Proffesor Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick

3) I must not make light saber sounds with my wand

4) I must not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convinces him they're real animals

5) I must not refer the Accio charm as "The Force"

6) I must not charm the suits of amour to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast

7) I must not declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day"

8) I must not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it on Halloween or other times

9) Whenever people ask me if I'm "Sirius" I must not reply by saying "Why yes, actually I am"

10) I must not always questions students"Are you fucking Sirius"

11) I must refer to Professor Dumbledore as 'Professor', 'Headmaster' or 'Sir', not 'Dude', 'My Liege' or 'Tim the Enchanter', "Santa" or"Gandalf"

12) I must not scream, "PINK CATS" at the top of my lungs at random moments, and stare at Proffesor McGonagall

13) I must not cut/charm students of Syltherin's hair

14) I must not throw kitty balls at Proffesor Mcgonagall since her animagous form is a cat

15) I will not charm the armor to sing loudly at ungodly hours

16) I will not talk like Yoda or a Chav

17) I must not rap

18) I must not sing the Santa Clause song every time Dumbledore enters a room

19) I must not send Proffesor Snape blood flavored lollypops.

20) I must not buy shampoo for Proffesor Snape for Christmas or other occasions

21) I am not a Pinball Wizard.

22) I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

23) "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell

24) Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".

25) Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.

26) My name is not Captain Subtext

27) I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion

28) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

29) Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

30) I shall stop referring the Hufflepuff's as "cannon fodder"

31) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class

32) I will not blow up peoples cauldrons in Potions Class

33) I will stop argueing with Scorpous Malfoy

34) I will stop joking to Rose that her room is like a library

35) I will not adress 1st years as "midgets"

36) I shall stop attempting to make Proffoser Snape to laugh

37) I shall stop pranking people

38) I shall stop asking out Jenny Skater

39) I shall stop calling Proffesor Snape "greasy haired git"

40) I shall not abuse my power of being Harry Potters son

41) I shall stop sneaking out at night to places such as Hogsmeade

42) I shall stop falling asleep during class

43) I shall not talk back to teachers

44) I shall not get drunk during school days and burst in lessons laughing my head off, wobbling around the place or having alcohol on you

45) I shall stop purchasing "Weasely Wizarding Products"

46) I shall stop taking the mick out of divination

47) I shall stop spreading romours

48) I shall stop telling everyone Proffesor Snape is in love with Minerva Mcgonagal

49) I shall stop calling Proffessor McGonagal "Minnie"

50) I am not allowed to lock Rory Pattinson and Teddy Lupin in a closet to see if gay sex will occur

51) A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars

52) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos"

53) When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce, "These are not the droids you are looking for"

54) I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition

55) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

56) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks

57) I shall stop playing Grand Theft Auto and ask random people to join me

58) I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

59) I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell

60) I will not yell "Believe it… or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches

61) Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit

62) Proffesor Dumbledore is not Gandalf

63) I shall not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.

64) I shall not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles"

65) I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.

66) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"

67) I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.

68) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife

69) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"

70) I am not allowed to set up a first-year on a blind date with Moaning Myrtle

71) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Ball

72) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it

73) The Restricted Section is restricted for a reason

74) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways

75) I shall not camp in the Forbiden Forest

76) I will not make,"OMGWTF" a spell

77) It is not necessary to yell, "BAMF!" every time someone Apparates

78) I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor shall I insist that their colors indicate that they're "covered in bee's"

79) If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw on their face or a dark mark on their arm

80) I will not start every potion's class by asking Proffesor Snape if the potion is acceptable as a sexual lubricant

81) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey"

82) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet

83) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice

84) I must not put bows in Rory's hair

85) When Albus or Rose is in the library I must not jump out from behind bookshelves, just to see him jump

86) I shall not give Proffesor Snape dating tips

87) I shall not convince the first years to build tree houses in the Whomping Willow

88) I shall not convince Lily that Snape secretly wants him

89) The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

90) I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

91) I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

92) I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

93) There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

94) Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

95) I shall not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

96) I shall stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

97) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.

98) Tricking the schoolhouse elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Pwned!"

99) I shall stop smashing down walls

100) I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.

101) "42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s

102) I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".

103) I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy

104) I shall not organise a "Harry Potter Fanclub"

105) I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor

106) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

107) Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

108) I shall not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library

109) I shall not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations

110) If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer

111) Ravenclaw's or anyone shall not find a sign saying, "The library is closed for and indefinite time period" amusing in any sense

112) I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens

113) My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

114) There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation

115) I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.

116) I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter

117) I will not try and start Naked Thursdays for the ladies in the Common Room.

118) The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".

119) I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

120) I shall not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class

121) I shall not draw moustaches on the headmaster portraits

122) I shall not flick things at Rose as she tries to study

123) There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

124) I shall not teach the first years to play "The Penis Game" in the Great Hall during dinner

125) I shall not shriek whenever Proffessor Snape enters a room

126) I shall not ask any centaur about its mating habits.

127) I shall not start food fights in the Great Hall

128) I shall not scare the Arithmancy students with Evens' Calculus book.

129) "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell

130) Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points

131) Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology

131) "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

132) I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

133) I will not go to class skyclad

134) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

135) I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

136) Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept

137) Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.

138) "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play

139)I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

140) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

141) I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".

142) I am not a tribble Animagus.

144)I do not weigh the same as a duck

145) I am not being repressed.

146) Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.

147) It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

148) Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".

149) I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter

150) Making rumors about Harry and Draco's secret love life is not funny and it will stop soon.

151) I will not point to the Dark Mark in the sky and shout "To the Batmobile, Robin!"

152) I will not put a paper sign on Firenze's back saying "Pony Rides: 3 Sickles".

153) I will not ask Harry Potter who died and made him the boss.

154) I must not point to Harry Potter's scar and ask if his Voldy senses are tingling.

155) I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.

156) I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who will come out alive.

157) I will not use the phrase "Dude, get a life" around ex-death eaters

158) Putting a snitch in Malfoy's pants really isn't all that funny. Even if it does make him scream like a girl.

159) I should not confess to crimes that happened before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.

160) I will not jump up in the middle of a Order or DA meeting, and yell , "VOLDERMORT, RUN!"

161) I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his "Happy place"

162) "Swish and flick" is only a wand movement

163) No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
164)I am not a sloth Animagus

165) I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord list to suspected Death Eaters.

166) Nor can I cast Ice 9 or Ultima.

167) I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt

168) I will not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird

169) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

170) I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

171) It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

172) Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.

173) Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".

174) Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

175) When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."

176) I will not suggest that Professor Trelawney is "talking out of her arse."

177) I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

178) When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts, putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

179) I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

180) A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

181) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."

182) Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

183) I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

184) I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

185) I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather, nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.

186) I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Ball.

187) I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.

188) Calling Professor Flitwick "Willow" and asking him about Madmartigan is not an appropriate question for classtime.

189) Portable Swamps are not funny.

190) Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

191) No part of the school uniform is edible and I am not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

192) Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.

193) The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.

194) I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower or the satellite dish.

195) I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor McGonnagall

196) Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'

197) Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

198) Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

199) Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

200) The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

201) I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.

202) I am not allowed to say "Bless you" every time someone mentions Quidditch.

203) Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.

204) When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.

205) Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong. and so is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.

206) I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.

207) I cannot insist that a dead parrot is my familiar - even if he is nailed to his perch and pinin' for the fjords.

208) Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.

209) There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man",even if I do conjure him up.

210) Do not... I repeat do not sing "Baby Got Back" when Firenze walks by.

211) Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.

212) The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

213) I will not write "Wizard" on my hat in sequins.

214) I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

215) I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas Tree in Herbology class.

216) I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Proffesor Snape's office door.

217) I cannot get credit in Ancient Runes for knowing BASIC, no matter how long it's been in use.

218) I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.

219) I do not get any flying monkeys when I graduate.

220) Every time I see a dementor, I will not go, "Ssssssssshire...Bagginsssss"or "The Shire/Frodo is That Way!"

221) Every time I see Kreacher I will not say something about 'master' or 'Precioussssss'.

222) Every time I see Dumbledore, I will not say, "You will not pass!"

223) The boggart's first name is not Humphrey.

224) I will not replace any ingredient in the potions classroom with new Folger's crystals.

225) "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo" is not a transfiguration spell.

226) I will not add 'according to the prophecy' at the end of my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

227) "Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang" is not an actual spell.

228) Not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "mini me."

229) There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every year.

230) I will not taunt Professor Flitwick by singing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins".

231) Proffesor Snape does not want bleach, laundry detergent, or new underwear for his birthday or Christmas.

232) I will stop sending Professor Sprout love notes signed "N.L".

233) I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets.

234) Murmuring "I see dead people… " every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.

235) Making a slinky go from the top of the astronomy tower to the ground level is not an appropriate pastime

-especially while singing "everyone loves a slinky"

"everyone loves a slinky" until the slinky hits the bottom.

- or especially while singing "everyone loves a slinky" until the slinky hits the bottom and starting the whole process over again whenever the slinky gets stuck.

- apparently, not everyone loves a slinky.

236) Yelling "to infinity, and BEYOND!" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

237) I should not remark that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" when Snape gets angry. Ever.

238) If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell "MORPHIN' TIME!" every time I change and I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either.

239) Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.

240) Adding "-us" to the end of a word does not make it a spell, neither does adding "izzle".

241) I shall not shout "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating.

242) will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.

243) I will not wear my 'DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!' shirt to school

244) I do not have a Dalek Patronus

245) I should not cite "Lord Voldemort" as my greatest influance at Hogwarts

246) I am not allowed to wear black gloves at all times and say "Hogwarts is father. Hogwarts is mother

247) I will not set Ravenclaw house on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.

248) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy

249) I may not take house points away from first-years for being "too goddamn short"

250) I will not hand red shirts to the new DADA professor and claim that they're the standard uniform for the position

251) The Muggle known as George W. Bush was not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop trying to prove he was

252) I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter

253) I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child

254) I am not the reincarnation of Merlin

255) Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of muggle firearms

256) I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice

257) I must not spread rumours that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's bitch."

258) Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable, less advisable if it involves anything sexual with Snape.
- Unless, you know... you bring me back pictures.

259) I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets
- Especially if it is only a one-way ticket

260) Hogwarts does NOT teach you how to banish people to the "shadow realm

261) It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says `All the good-looking ones die young` with a picture
of Cedric Diggory on it

262) I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow

263) I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning

264) I will not sneak up behind Ron and Hermione while they are in their Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH
SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"

265) Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

266) I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.

267) I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall
- Or anywhere else for that matter.

268) I will not shave Mrs. Norris.

267) I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.

268) I am not allowed to refere to myself as 'the new Dark Lord'

269) I am not allowed to tell the Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause

270) The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid

271) Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny

272) I will not kill the school chickens and wreak general havoc, then explain I was possessed by the Dark Lord

273) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it

274) I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout" Long live Lord Voldemort" because I think its funny.

275) Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years.

276) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

277) I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing "I Will Survive in the mirror", as it is disturbing.

278) I will not mock Proffesor Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.

279) I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone its the new Dark Mark.

280) If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already

281) I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.

282) Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.

283) Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".

284) I will not refer to the Slytherin dorms as "the Tremere chantry".

285) The Malfoys are not Draka.

286) Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.

287) Richard Upton Pickman did not paint The Fat Lady.

288) I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is.

289) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

- Or any other Slytherin.

290) I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

291) I am not the Care of Witches Underwear Professor

-I am not a Professor, at all.

292) I am no longer allowed in the student laundry

-Or the teacher laundry.

293) I am not allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again

294) While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.

295) I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present

-Especially if I don't tell her what it is.

296) The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

297) When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent

-Especially if I can't

298) If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."

299) There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.

300) There is no bring a muggle to school day

- And I should stop insisting there is.

301) I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball

302) I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil." or got "killed by a curtain"

303) I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom

304) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera.

305) I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".

306) I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is

307) I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

308) Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris

309) I must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days

310) Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy

311) I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble

312) My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills

313) I will not use invisibility charms on anyones clothing

314) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

315) I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My god, it's full of stars!

316) I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum

317) The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.

318) The house elves are not there to do my homework or the ghosts

319) Grindewald is not my role model and neither is Voldemort

320) I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

321) I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it, even my own

322) Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off

-Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class

-Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".

323) Shouting "Accio Kreacher!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance

324) It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor

325) "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years

326) I am not allowed to forget my Omnioculars in either the boys' or the girl's bathroom. Especially not while they are in recording mode.

327) I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent

328) I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Even if it would be amusing

329) I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity

330) Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match

331) Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served

332) I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room

333) If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated

334) I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".

335) I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.

336) I will not tell First Year Muggle-borns that Pokmon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum

337) I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.

338) Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.

339) Dont tell Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs that Lucius Malfoy goes around singing "Dance, Dark Lord, Dance"

340) Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere

341) I will not Turn myself into Malfoy (Pollyjuice potion) and tell everyone in Hogwarts my undying love for Proffesor Snape...again

342) I won't dress up in a black robe, wear a bald wig and tell people that I'm Voldemort

343) I will not yell "I saw Malfoy and snape last night!" in the great hall or anywere

344) Pokemon are not real, therefore i will not convince Hagrid that Pokemon are real animals so that he'll have a leson all about pokemon

345) The Philosipher's stone is destroyed and even though they are annoying, first year slytherins should not be told its still down there, as they all want imortality,and the devils snare gets them every time.

346) Calling the ASPCA about the way Ron treated Scabbers (wormtail) is pointless, as he is already dead

347) I will not follow anyone around saying "pimp hat" at the most random moments

348) I must not sell fake stories to Rita Skeeter since she everything she publishes are lies

349) This list being used as a checklist is inappropriate, therefore i shouldn't do so

350) Nothing on this list was an honest mistake

Please do something to cease this behaviour! Also on his work on what he wants to do when he's older, here it is enclosed also. I would be concerned about this

My Careers Advice Essay Thingy by James Sirius Potter

Hello Professor McGonagall! Lets talk about how amazing and successful my future is going to be!

First and foremost, I'm going to marry Jenny Skater who is the red-head in my year and as all you know i have had a crush on since 2nd year but keeps turning me down, we are gonna live happily ever after in a cozy little house and have a kid with blue eyes and scruffy hair called James Jr- well, enough on my kid's future and on to mine.

That is the most important goal in my life, after marrying Jenny, is my Job. So, I heard Jenny saying to a friend of hers-Loreile, in case you're curious- about something muggles call Sycrisht! No- sychirisisist!A Psychiatrist! Yes! That's what muggles go to when they're feeling depressed, and obviously, with my charm and skills and with the reality that upholds me- everyone loves me! Yes, even you Professor no matter how much you deny it! So I thought, why not give it a go! I did give it a go and I used Albus as a patient, you see, Professor, Albus was feeling a bit depressed one day so naturally, as the kind and caring brother I am, I offered him sessions as a Psychiatrist. Laughter is the best medicine so i did that.

Albus is very ticklish in the stomach, so I strapped him to a chair and poked his stomach all day long! Original, eh? He laughed so hard that he got sweaty a bit so I splashed water on his face occasionally- and know what? He was cured! He was laughing and laughing and laughing away- well, he was cursing me between his fits but, I chose to ignore it- he can get rather senseless that boy can… Albus got really angry after that, you see, he ran after me all day long- well for a week really- ripping me to shreds and stuff, so I came to the conclusion that he was ill and needed treatment. So I concluded with my ingenious brain that Albus needed Anger Management!

I strapped him to a chair in a white room and then I took out a book and Rory started reading to him, you know how Albus loves his books, so, I thought that that would calm him down But he kept interrupting and screaming more and insulted me a lot but as the caring Doctor I am, I ignore it- well, not really, I kind of screamed back at him but moving on

I came to the conclusion that Albus was mental. If his anger wasn't treated then there must be something wrong with his brain! So, I thought about the offer of becoming a Brain Doctor! I read a few books on surgery- well, not really- I mean it couldn't be that hard, right? All I had to do was chop off the person's head and say 'Reparo' to the brain and Tah Tan! He's fixed! So, I suggested this to Albus and he threatened to throw himself off the astronomy tower! I mean come on? The usually composed Albus was turning to Rose! It struck me! My Cousin was missing so I took matters into my own hands! I heard that muggle Please-men looked for missing people and tracked bad guys so I wanted to become a please-man! I wore a coat and made a search part of First Years- in the command of Rory, you know how much he looks like a first year, so he gets along with them well- and stuck posters on the wall!

IMPORTANT NOTICE!

MISSING CHILD!

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY GIRL?

"Picture of Rose"

IF SEEN, THEN REPORT TO JAMES POTTER AND RORY PATTINSON AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!

Prize: a chocolate frog.

I'm a poor guy Professor, I don't have much money, you see because mum and dad keep cutting off my pocket money since i keep getting into trouble at school. So anyways, every ten seconds a person would come in carrying her on their shoulders. Of course, as a Please-man I had to go and inspect if she was Rose and not someone in Polyjuice. Well, the guy was quite rude really,i will not tell you what he said! Then, I saw a clear artifact that he was indeed not Rose! He was her dorky little brother- Hugo Weasley, man, those two look so alike it's kind of scary.

So, yeah, that situation happened over and over again, every time the poor bloke walked out of the common room he was carried back by a different group of Gryffindors. So, I told them that I didn't want the little pesky freak and I wanted ROSE. So, they tried removing his clothes so I wouldn't see the Slytherin colour… wow, all that for a chocolate frog, I know! But then, with my overly-amazing- talents, I found Rose! She was taking a bath in the bathroom… well, the job was too easy for me so I declined the offer, but then I found out that the picture I put in the posters was indeed Hugo and not Rose, but- I, um…the reason was- it wasn't a mistake! I was looking for an assistant of my qualities to join me in my please-man-hood! So, I found there was none, so, dismally, I continued my journey… alone.

Then, the thought came into me! I wanted something that wasn't too easy yet something that I won't get in trouble with... I want to be... to be... A TEACHER! You'll always see my face Professor, even AFTER I graduate, isn't that great! That way, you won't miss me and I'll pull as much pranks as I can and NOT get detention! Ingenious isn't it? Expect me for the rest of your life Professor! Professor Potter… it sure does have a nice ring to it- and, so my darling Jennykins won't miss me, she can become a Professor too! Isn't that great, I took on the duty of making her choices? Right? I'm such a selfless soul, I know! So, no need to tell me goodbye Professor when I will graduate with flying colours, since I'm going to apply first thing the next day! You'll never have to shed a tear and I can take care of all the sneaky Slytherins for you- see, even more selfless!

Your Sincerelly

James Sirius Potter

J.S.P

I mean it is obvious that he rushed that and wrote down the thing words that popped into his head, so please i beg of you, controll your son, and try to get him to study more like your other son Albus Potter, Thank you for your time

Yours Sincerelly

Minerva Mcgonagall

M.M

After no 130 i added add lot since it came up to 350, i was bored and decided to add more, so if you haven't read the ones after no 130 then please do so, I also edited a few words, enjoy :D