it took 5 years but i finally finished it.

February 13. Antonio drummed his fingers against his office desk, squeezing his eyes shut and groaning. He pushed himself away from the desk. He was getting too old for this shit.

"Love troubles ?" Alfred's head suddenly popped into Antonio's cubicle, blinking. His mouth was full-Antonio briefly considered tattling, but then remembered his workplace conduct was no better.

"I guess," Antonio kicked his feet up, shoving the stack of papers off his desk. "Oh, I guess it's no big deal."

"Uh, I dunno if you should be kicking the paperwork off your-"

"It's Lovino," Antonio sighed. "I don't know what to get him for Valentine's Day. I mean, I don't know what's left to give him and every time I try he just gets angry."

"Well. What have you done for the last couple years ?" Alfred slid into the cubicle, sitting criss-cross. "Maybe there's something you haven't thought of."

"Last year I gave him a pack of condoms."

"That's."

"I was trying to tell him it's okay. You know, if he wanted to like. Top, you know ? Like, don't you think your ass would get sore after awhile ? It's weird. I was looking out for his rectal health."

"Yeah, dude, totally."

They both sat in silence, staring at the floor. Alfred snapped his fingers suddenly.

"Hey, I know ! Just ask him what kind of things he likes and like, go from there."

"Maybe I could, like, you know. Sprawl myself across the table with only a tomato covering my-"

"Dude. Shut the fuck up."

Francis banged on the side of the cubicle. "Some of us are trying to nap. Would you fuck off ?"

Antonio sighed, staring out the window wistfully. What kind of things did Lovino like...?

"Lovino !" Antonio slammed open the kitchen door. Lovino sat wide-eyed at the table, spilling his drink on the table.

"Wow, welcome home to you too asshole," Lovino muttered, tearing a paper towel off the roll. He started mopping up the mess on the table with a heavy sigh.

"Hey, wait. What were you drinking ?" Antonio stared at the half-empty cup on the table.

"What the fuck ? Have you ever seen milk before you stupid dick ?"

"Milk ?" Antonio spun Lovino around, holding him uncomfortably close. Lovino's cheeks flushed a bright red and he scowled.

"Yeah, what about it."

"You like milk ?"

"What kind of question is that ? Who doesn't like milk ?"

Antonio picked Lovino up and spun him around. "Milk, milk, milk ! Of course !"

"You're ! Fucking ! Weird !" Lovino kicked his feet.

"I love you," Antonio felt himself tearing up.

"Anyways, I'm leaving," Lovino said as soon as his feet touched the ground. "See you around, pervert."

Antonio waited until the door banged closed and yanked out his cellphone, dialing Alfred.

"Alfred, come over," Antonio spoke into the mic in a husky voice. "I have an idea."

"Dude, what ? Repeat that, you sound like a weird pervert."

"Just shut up and come over."

February 14, 7 PM. Lovino unlocked the front door, shaking the knob a bit and cursing.

Antonio trembled in anticipation. Alfred had helped him set up everything for the perfect Valentine's Day. He would finally breathe life back into his suffocating relationship. Lovino would finally agree to a formal would move into a bigger house, adopt 4 dogs and live happily ever after. It all rode on this moment.

Lovino finally opened the door and kicked off his shoes, sighing. He caught sight of Antonio laying in the middle of the room and screamed.

"What the fuck are you doing laying in the middle of the room with the lights off ?! Are those fucking candles ? That's a safety hazard you fucking idiot. It looks like you're summoning Satan. Just kill yourself."

"Sweet nothings aside, do you know what today is ?" Antonio unbuttoned his shirt slowly.

"Uh, I guess."

"I wanted to do something special," Antonio felt himself blushing.

"I don't know how you say that kind of stuff without getting embarrassed," Lovino covered his mouth with his hand and averted his eyes. "I guess we can do this for Valentine's day-"

Lovino's sentence was truncated as his eyes caught Antonio. His jaw dropped and he felt himself tearing up.

"Dear God..." He signed the cross, touching both his shoulders and then his forehead.

"You're that moved, huh ?" Antonio beamed, laying on the floor with his bare chest facing the ceiling. "I know how much you like milk, so..."

On Antonio's chest there were several small condoms full of milk taped to his skin, each with a tiny hole pricked in the top. "Drink up, mi amor."

Lovino started to cry, his shoulders heaving. "Why-why-"

"Shhhh," Antonio murmured. "Grow up big and strong, Lovino."

Sobbing, Lovino grabbed the phone.

"Who are you calling ?" Antonio asked. "You want to invite someone over ? I guess that would be interesting."

"Hello, 911 ?" Lovino sobbed. "Please come over. There's a scary man here and I don't know what to do-"

"H-hey," Antonio sat up abruptly, one of the fake nipples falling off and splattering on the floor.

"M-my address is 621 Park Avenue-Please hurry. I'm begging you."

"Look, I get that you're embarrassed but-"

Lovino walked out the door, muttering a prayer.

He never came back.