A/N: Will I be able to type the entire second half tonight? I hope so, since I leave to go to Arizona for a week tomorrow. No computer! Let's get crackin', then.

How to tell who's talking:

-Lots of cursing, esp. "dammit" =Lovi

-Lots of "ve~"ing =Feli

-Extremely happy with lots of "mi tomate"s =Antonio

-American slang, yo =Alfred

-Lack of articles "the" and "a", a la stereotypical Russian accent =Ivan

How Does a Bear Knock on the Door?

Part Two!

By AoNoShi

Even well into the third week of spring, the air was still chilly. Nights in particular required blankets to ward off the cold. One morning, Antonio sent his boys out into the forest to fetch some wood for the fire.

"We've gone through our supply for winter," he said. "And I don't want to see my babies shivering when night falls!"

"If this is out of concern for us, why aren't you doing it then, bastard?"

After a great deal of sulking on Lovino's part, the brothers set off to get some wood. As neither of them was very handy with an ax, they mostly picked up fallen branches and sticks. They continued in this manner a fair ways into the forest, only to be confronted by a most odd spectacle.

A fallen tree lay across a clearing, and next to the tree, there appeared to be a very tall man. He was wearing a scarf, the end of which was caught in a crevice on the trunk. He was tugging at it, but the scarf wouldn't budge. A dark aura surrounded him.

Feliciano ducked behind his brother. "It's a dwarf!" he whispered fearfully. Lovino snorted.

Sure, the guy had really pale skin like a dwarf, who spent their winters underground. And yes, he had very pale hair like a dwarf. Plus he was dressed in heavy winter clothing like a dwarf (they froze very easily).

But he was way too fucking tall.

"There's no way he's a dwarf," he hissed to Feliciano. "He's gigantic. Dwarves are supposed to be like midgets or something."

Then the tall figure turned towards them, and they saw his face. He was smiling, but somehow the positive expression seemed terrifying on him.

His eyes were violet, and his teeth were large and tombstone-shaped…just like a dwarf.

"Holy shit!" Lovino screeched.

The dwarf giggled. "My you are loud humans. You sound very much like dying cat, da?"

The twins stared at him, petrified.

"And stupid, too, it seems."

Lovino bristled. "At least we're not attached to a fucking tree."

The dark aura increased dramatically. Lovino and Feliciano cowered back.

"Pitiful, foolish humans. If I were not stuck I would crush you."

"Why don't you just take the scarf off?" Feliciano asked. Lovino elbowed him.

"Don't give him ideas, idiot! Didn't you just hear him threaten to kill us?"

The dwarf giggled. "That is stupid idea anyway. I can never take off my scarf."

"Guess you're stuck, then," Lovino said unsympathetically.

"We could go get someone, maybe…" Feliciano offered meekly.

Either that was an ingenious opening to make our escape, the older brother thought, or he's actually offering to help a goddamned dwarf.

"Ve, I'm sure our father could help."

Oh wait, he's an idiot. Of course.

"This is also stupid idea," the dwarf said. His eyes narrowed, though the scary smile remained. "All I was trying to do was get bit of wood for fire. We dwarves do not gorge ourselves like you capitalist pigs; we only need small bit of fuel for cooking. And then my poor scarf got caught, and you stupid, unhelpful humans come along with you stupid, unhelpful suggestions."

Lovino's eye twitched. "Give me your scissors," he told Feliciano. His brother dug around in his apron pocket and handed them over.

Lovino marched forward and snipped through the scarf right above where it was caught.

The dwarf screamed and, now freed, scurried back, clutching the cloth protectively.

"My scarf! How dare you!"

"You're not stuck anymore, are you?" Lovino demanded, hands on his hips. The dwarf glared at him balefully. For a moment it seemed like he might harm him.

Instead, the dwarf snatched up a sack that had been hidden in the tree's roots; the brothers heard the telltale clink of coins. Then the creature disappeared into the forest.

The two looked at each other.

"Ve~ Did he just call us capitalists?"

(Break Here)

Eventually the weather warmed more, and spring came fully upon the forest. One day, Feliciano got it into his head that they should go swimming. Lovino protested, but when he learned the alternative was staying with their father to work in the garden, he let his energetic sibling drag him to the small stream near the edge of the forest.

As they came upon the water, however, they spotted a figure on the bank: the freakishly tall scarf-wearing dwarf.

"Screw that, let's go back," Lovino said immediately.

"Ve~ But it looks like he needs help," his brother protested.

"And we should give a flying fuck about this because…?"

"Ve, well, wouldn't you want someone to help you out if you were in trouble?"

"Yeah, but I'm not a fucking dwarf, dammit. And it's not like I'd need help, anyway."

Still, Feliciano tugged him forward.

Up close, they could see that once again the dwarf's scarf had gotten caught, this time in the line of the fishing pole he gripped in both hands. He must have hooked a fish, because the pole was bending towards the water and the line was taut—apparently with enough force that the dwarf was slowly being dragged in.

"You should probably let go of the pole," Lovino said to announce their presence. The dwarf shot them a sideways look and that same creepy smile.

"Perhaps you didn't notice, little human, but my scarf is attached to line."

"It's not like it's a particularly nice scarf."

'Ve, and you could always get a better one later."

The dark aura made its appearance.

"I like this one." The dwarf's voice seemed to drop an octave from its normal childish pitch.

Feliciano started shivering.

Lovino was not impressed.

"Ve, maybe we should leave after all," the younger whispered.

"Oh yeah? What happened to all that stuff about helping people? Since I'd want them to help me and shit?"

"Um…"

"Cheh."

And for the second time, Lovino took his brother's scissors, stalked up to the dwarf, and cut off the end of his scarf.

As soon as it was free, the dwarf dropped the rod, grabbed a cloth sack from the reeds, and ran off. Over his shoulder he yelled, sounding absurdly cheerful, "I hope you die horrible painful death for harming my scarf, da?"

They stared after him.

"Ve~ What a strange person."

"Dwarf," Lovino corrected. "Hey, looks like he dropped something."

He stooped down to pick it up. It was a pearl.

"Wow, I guess that bag must have been full of those, ve~"

"…Holy shit."

(Break Here)

It was almost summer.

"We're going to need some new summer clothes," Antonio announced. "And with that pearl you found, we should be able to afford lots of fabric and sewing supplies. And even some shoes!"

"Yay!" Feliciano exclaimed, at the same time Lovino deadpanned, "Joy."

"Eh? Lovi, you don't sound very excited," noticed their father.

"Feliciano is supposed to be the one in charge of buying that kind of stuff. Why do I have to go?"

"Because you're the best at dealing with the shopkeepers!" Feliciano said.

Antonio nodded, smiling. "And you have the best taste in shoes, tomate!"

"…True. Feli would probably lose the pearl, anyway."

So off they went.

It happened that the path from the forest to the town went through a large field, which was littered with boulders. The sun was out and the weather was warm as they walked among the huge stones, so that even Lovino couldn't help but smile a bit.

As if sensing his good mood, the animals that lived there didn't flee at the sight of him as they normally would. Birds sang, rabbits hopped, and squirrels scurried. All in all, it was quite picturesque.

"Oh! Look, fratello, a fox!" Feliciano pointed as the red-coated creature dashed across the path in front of them. He was bouncing up and down slightly in his excitement.

"Yeah, yeah, I see it."

The fox darted over the grass and around a boulder—a second later they heard an angry yell.
The brothers stopped and looked at each other.

"Don't tell me…" Lovino muttered. They stepped off the path and peered around the stone.

Sure enough, there was the dwarf, this time engaged in a tug-of-war with the fox, which had the end of the much-abused scarf firmly in its mouth.

"Ve, you really should get a different scarf," Feliciano said. "That one seems unlucky!"

"No!" the dwarf replied in his childish voice. "It has to be this one!"

Lovino stepped forward.

"No! Don't you dare touch it again!" the dwarf shrieked.

"Like I'd want to," he snorted. "Oi, fox. Let go of the scarf."

The fox went rigid.

"Now, or I'll eat you for my dinner."

The fox gave one last vicious shake to the scarf in its mouth, then dropped it and hightailed it away.

"Ve~ Good job, fratello!"

"Just look at it!" exclaimed the dwarf. End is all chewed up now! Stupid, careless humans!" He grabbed a bag (undoubtedly also filled with treasure) lying near his feet and disappeared into what looked like the entrance to a cave under the boulder.

"You're very fucking welcome," Lovino called after him, but they got no reply. "C'mon, Feli, let's go."

(Break Here)

They returned home on the same path. Feliciano was humming, happy their shopping trip had been successful. Both boys were wearing new pairs of (very stylish) shoes, and each carried a bag of fabric and other supplies to make their new clothes.

They neared the boulder where they'd encountered the dwarf before and stopped—for there on the side of the path sat the dwarf, with the empty cloth sack beside him and a fortune in gemstones spread out on the grass in front of him. The expression on his face was one of vicious, miserly greed.

Amazed at the amount and beauty of the jewels, the twins stepped closer for a better look. The dwarf noticed them and leapt up.

"Stay away from my treasures, you nosy, dishonest humans! I see you eyeing my possessions, but you will never take them from me! Any closer and I will kill you!"

"W-we weren't trying to steal from you! Really!" Feliciano stuttered.

"Besides, we have to walk by you to get home!" protested Lovino.

The dwarf started laughing; the dark aura expanded to the largest they'd ever seen it.

"Kolkolkolkolkol…"

Both boys shuddered at the sound. Lovino got the feeling that maybe they were in trouble—

Suddenly there was a loud roar. All three of them looked towards the forest to see a huge bear bounding towards them.

Feliciano started wailing.

The dwarf blanched, though Lovino hadn't thought it possible with how pale his skin already was, and started shoveling his jewels back into the bag.

The bear was almost upon them.

The dwarf cinched the bag closed, stood and turned to flee back to his cave. In a flash, the bear was there, one huge paw extended, snagging the scarf around the dwarf's neck. The dwarf stumbled back, but the scarf remained hooked on the bear's claws.

The scarf came off.

A thousand shrieks seemed to split the air. The dwarf's neck was uncovered, revealing a huge hole in his throat. From the hole, a stream of purple and black sparks flew out and dissipated into the air.

Lovino didn't know much about dwarves. Maybe it was magic, maybe it was the creature's life force itself, but in any case it was obvious what was happening—the dwarf was dying.

This didn't bother Lovino; the world was better off without that ungrateful jerk and his ugly scarf, anyway. No, what concerned him was that there was a huge murderous bear standing right next to them.

He gripped Feliciano by the elbow and started to slowly edge them away from the murder scene.

The dwarf crumpled to the ground. Soon all that was left was the long coat, in a heap on the grass. The shrieking stopped, and a thick silence descended. The bear idly tried to shake the scarf off its paw.

The boys took off running with twin screams.

"Wha—? Hey! Hey, wait up!" the bear called after them.

Lovino slowed, even as his heartbeat sped up suddenly. He knew that voice. Feliciano stood further up the path, staring back. Lovino didn't dare yet to turn around. Instead, he watched the shadows on the ground before him.

The bear approached, until it was right behind him. It stood on its hind legs, towering over him and engulfing his shadow in its own. Then, somehow, their combined shadow seemed to go hazy, reforming into a new shape. Lovino spun around with a gasp.

A flash of gold.

He blinked up at the blond man he'd never seen before. Blue eyes blinked back.

"Alfred…?"

The stranger's face broke into a grin—only he wasn't a stranger, because the only person such a smile could belong to was—

"Alfred!" Lovino threw himself forward without thought, and Alfred caught him in a strong embrace.

Lovino ended up with his face buried in Alfred's chest. He still smelled like bear and wilderness, but he didn't care. He was back!

…wait. Wait. He was back. After he'd left. Left and said he was never coming back.

Oh hell no.

"You. You bastard!" he yelled, and promptly proceeded to headbutt the blond in the chest.

"Ow! What? Lovi?"

Lovino jerked himself out of the other's arms and scowled at him.

"What the fuck makes you think you can just waltz back into my life? If you're just going to leave again—"

"Wait! Wait, Lovi, wait I'm not—"

"And don't call me Lovi!"

A pause. They stared at each other.

"Lovi. I'm human again."

He was. Lovino looked him over. Blond hair, blue eyes, lightly tanned skin. A pair of glasses perched precariously on the bridge of his nose. He was dressed surprisingly well. Like royalty, almost. The bearskin was in a heap around his feet, as though it had simply fallen off.

"Ve~ Who are you, exactly?" Feliciano spoke up for the first time.

What kind of a question is that? Obviously it's Alfred: The Bastard.

Alfred suddenly seemed sheepish. "Oh yeah, that whole proper introduction thing." He bowed. "My name is Alfred, Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Hetalia and son of King Arthur." He flashed another grin as he straightened. "My dad would kill me if he heard I didn't give my full title thingy, but I hate using it, so. Ya know."

Lovino gaped at him. Shit! He'd headbutted a prince!

"Ve~! You're the missing heir to the throne?"

The prince laughed nervously. "Um, yep. That's me. Crap, now that think about it, my dad's probably gonna kill me anyway when I get back."

This was too much for Lovino. He turned to leave.

"Lovi! Lovino, please wait!"

"Why? Don't you have to get back home and be the fucking prince or whatever?"

"But…won't you hear me out, Lovi? Please?"

Lovino hesitated, considering. He made the mistake of looking back at Alfred's face, getting caught by those wide, pleading blue eyes.

"Fine," he said. "This had better be pretty damn good."

Alfred nodded eagerly. "Thank you, Lovi! Um, right, so here's how it went down. I was riding around—must've been over two years ago now, being a hero and stuff. I was in this village, and I heard they'd had a lot of problems with thefts and robberies in the area so I decided to help out and investigate. It was early in the spring, and I was out in a nearby forest looking for places the thieves might have stashed the goods when I found this cave. I went in to look around, but the owner of the cave, this dwarf called Ivan, snuck up on me and cursed me so I turned into a bear. And that sucked. Big time."

"Wait. Don't tell me that dwarf you just killed…?"

"Yeah, that was Ivan. I've been chasing him for a while now. He moves around a lot; lots of hidey-holes everywhere. So all up until that winter I chased after him and tried to stop him from stealing more, plus trying to end the curse. It was hard, but I never gave up. 'Cuz I'm a hero!"

Lovino snorted. Alfred ignored this.

"And then the winter came, and he went underground, and it really sucked. I mean, I had no hibernation instincts like a real bear, but it was really cold so I stayed in a cave all winter anyway. I was bored out of my mind! I'm not even gonna tell ya what I had to eat for food.

"Anyways, after that torture was over there was another summer of chasing after Ivan, and that winter I met you guys!"

Lovino crossed his arms. "So far I'm not impressed."

"Ve~ But fratello, he was turned into a bear!"

"Big fucking deal."

Slowly, Alfred reached out and gently grabbed Lovino's wrists. He uncrossed the angry brother's arms and stepped closer, moving his hands to hold the other's.

Lovino blushed—he was not a fucking girl, dammit!—but didn't remove them.

"Lovi, that morning," Alfred began earnestly. "I said I couldn't come back. And I couldn't, before I caught Ivan. I wanted to be human before I saw you again, so I searched for him day and night."

Shit, he was blushing even harder now. "Well obviously you weren't looking in the right places; Feliciano and I ran into that bastard two other times, as well."

"Ah, really? He didn't hurt you, did he?"

Damn him for looking so worried!

"No, we were fine, ve~" Feliciano answered when his brother didn't. "The only thing that was hurt was Ivan's scarf."

"His scarf?"

"He kept getting it caught in things, so I cut it. And then it was briefly a chew toy for a fox."

Alfred laughed. "That's great! I was wondering why he was so easy to defeat back there; it's because you weakened him!"

"Don't start getting excited just yet, bastard, you're not done explaining. Do you mean his strength was directly related to his scarf? How the fuck does that work?"

"Dwarves," the prince said with a shrug, as if that answered everything. Which it didn't, but Lovino wasn't concerned about that right now.

"Whatever, go back to what you were saying."

"What was I saying…? Oh yeah! I looked for Ivan everywhere so I could come back to you. And then I found him and you. And now I'm human."

"Are you going somewhere with this or not?"

"Yeah, just—just give me a sec." Alfred took several deep, steadying breaths. "Okay. Lovino. I wanted to come back home—come back to you as a human. Because you made that place home for me. Because I care about what you want, and I swear I'll get you meat every day. Because you're so prickly, and that makes you uniquely you and I don't mind it at all even though if it were anyone else I probably would, but it's you. Because I feel like I could talk to you about anything, and I know from experience I can talk to you for hours and never be bored. Because you're cute and handsome and sexy and beautiful and you have awesome taste in shoes. Because you blush like a tomato and you hate being called Tomato Red and you take care of your family and you also cared for me and—"

Lovino was smiling. "So help me God, this had better end in a marriage proposal or else—"

"—and Lovi will you please, please marry me?"

Finally.

"Fuck yes," he said, and yanked Alfred down for a kiss.

"Love you, Lovi," Alfred breathed against his lips.

"Love you, too. Bastard."

They eventually broke apart to the sound of Feliciano's giggling; this time both their faces were flushed.

Alfred beamed at him, fidgeting.

"…Okay, now you can be excited."

The prince whooped loudly and swung his fiancé around by the waist. "Lovi Lovi Lovi!"

Lovino laughed.

"So you're coming to live with me, right? Along with Feliciano and Antonio, of course. I swear I'm gonna be the best husband ever!"

"You'd better be, bastard." He gave Alfred another peck on the lips. "We're going to need to find some way to transport the tomato plants."

(Break Here)

So the prince, his fiancé, his fiancé's family, and his fiancé's family's tomato plants all returned to the palace.

There was much rejoicing throughout the kingdom now that the crown prince was back. King Arthur was so happy that he only gave his son a mild lecture rather than a full-blown rant about his absence and lack of manners.

Feliciano was engaged to the prince's brother, Matthew, since that was how things generally went in kingdoms like this, but he ended up running off with one of the palace guards, a stern man named Ludwig. This was quite alright with Prince Matthew, since he had a crush on said guard's brother Gilbert.

The tomato plants received the best spot in the garden and bore fruit for years to come; Antonio got to see his precious boys dressed up in all sort of cute outfits; and Lovino had meat and tomatoes for dinner every night. Plus, Alfred turned out to actually be a pretty amazing husband, and later on a pretty amazing king.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The fucking end.

A/N: Annnnd it's done…12:40 A.M., not too bad. Gonna go get me some caffeine so I can do my homework essay on China now…

Anywho, there are some differences between the fairytale and this story (the most obvious being that in the fairytale it is Snow White who ends up with the bear-prince rather than Rose Red). But whatever. Also, I made an Artemis Fowl reference and two Monty Python references. Whoop!

Think of me as I fly over your heads, across the country~ And ignore the sleep deprivation~