A/N : Of course I own nothing. This is a Lloyd/Julianne fic from the A and E show Breakout Kings. Some light sexual situations but nothing more then PG-13

Crash or Burn

Crash or Burn? It was an odd question to ask oneself but Julianne found that the two options encompassed her mind lately, completely and fully. It was after one in the morning; another late night with the team had taken its toll and being so close with Ray had thrown her into a tailspin. The cab she was riding in smelt old and musty and her unfocussed eyes stared at the brilliant stars as they peaked into the night.

So what if she was attracted to Ray? Who cared? Whose business was it anyway? Any feelings she felt were between her and Ray. That was it, end of discussion no questions asked.

She turned to her side to see the blonde hair of her friend Alison in the black light. The girls smiling face flashed fluorescent colours and she screamed something out but her voice was lost in the throbbing void of the club. She looked down as Allie thrust a brilliant blue glass into her hands and motioned for her to drink. This was such a bad idea. She should really go home, she knew she should go home. She had spent far to many hours worrying and far too few hours sleeping but she knew the moment she went home she would be in those walls. She would lock herself into the same bedroom she had slept in since she was a little girl and tuck herself into that same bed. Cocooning herself from the world. For the first time in her life she had absolutely no desire to be in the comfort of her home. In fact the thought of it sent her into the same panic leaving her safe zone normally had.

She let out a bitter laugh as she chugged down the drink, noting it tasted like blue freezies. She had loved blue freezies when she was little, she used to wait for them to melt and then drink them down like sweet blue ice water. Her brother would take them and crush them for her so that they would go down like blue slush. For some reason she hated the cold, the way ice felt against her lips. She had always preferred heat to cold.

She let the sweaty throng of bodies push her onto the dance floor where the throbbing music seemed to be cranked so loud that it reverberated through the floor, up her legs and shook her entire body. High-heeled leather boots pressed against the cement as her short black dress swished around her thighs. She twisted her body and weaved her hips to a tribal beat as the music pumped through the speakers. It had been ages since she had gone out. Friends and family had nearly given up asking her and then finally she had agreed simply because she could not spend another night thinking about Ray and Lloyd and their little group. She wouldn't, she refused to. So instead she would do this and pretend she was someone she wasn't, something that she wasn't simply because it was the only way to get out of her own head. She figured she would move and drink to distract them enough to get them out of her head. She wasn't too surprised the tactic failed.

Ray was first but it that was no surprise. He always had been. Her attraction to Ray had seemed so logical to her. She knew him better then other people and cared about him more then most did. She trusted him with her life and he had always protected her. Unlike most of the other men of her acquaintance he had been here to catch her when she fell. He had tried to take care of her and fix things the best way he could. She was grateful for it regardless of his level of success. However, dealing with Ray was sometimes like being in a car crash. There was a specific moment in a crash when you realize that the other car is coming at you and that it's far too late to turn away. It's a perfect moment of adrenaline, fear and then acceptance; an intense sensation of giving it all over to fate or god or SOMETHING that is greater then yourself. A sense that whatever would happen was out of control and that you had done all you could within the parameters of the situation. She had liked that, craved it and needed it. There had been a time in her life when she had wanted nothing more then to just hand over the wheel of her messed up life to someone else and just let them take care of it for her. For her that someone had been Ray and she had been desperate for every shred of acceptance, care and praise he could offer. Ray was a leader, he gave orders and others around followed, and there was no room for anything else with Ray. She had liked that about him, accepted it and followed his advice blindly without question.

The second drink went down as quickly as the first and she found her mind encased in a dizzy fog. Ray disappeared in the sensation of being in this place. The lights seemed brighter and the world louder. She felt hands twisted tightly on her hips, the sensation of someone grasping and her pressing to her from behind. The grinding throbbing music hit her and she raised her hand, pressing into whoever was running their lips across the column of her throat.

It didn't matter. Names didn't matter. Not with how she was feeling, not with how she was thinking.

The song changed and she parted from her nameless partner, moving in a loose loop towards the bar. She stumbled down a set of stairs, cursing the fact she hadn't had a drink in years and it obviously went right to her head. She had her third drink of the night followed by her fourth by the time her friend Alison spotted her. Even from a distance it was easy to tell the girl was more then a few drinks in herself. She appeared from the din, stumbling while dragging two guys behind her. Julianne watched in a daze as Alison motioned to the one guy then the other as if she were introducing them without the use of words. The skinnier of the two came up to her, smiling smoothly and motioned for the bartender to bring her another drink on him. Julianne found Alison pressing that drink into her hand and she drank it while never considering what the conversation they might be having was about.

Then, in a whirl, she felt herself being pulled to the dance floor again. Her legs were shaker this time and she knew she had already had too much. The skinny man Alison introduced her to was behind her, pressing against her the same way the stranger had not 30 minutes earlier but with greater intent. Her mind ploughed its own road in her drunken haze and as the strange man's hands began to wander over her body she found herself arching back and closing her eyes, imagining different hands then the ones that were on her.

She let her imagination take hold as he ground against her. She pictured that those fingers running over her breasts and ribs did not belong to some man she had met in a club and she would never think about after tonight. She let herself have a moment, a moment for her mind to run wild and take it where it wanted to go and places her body would never travel.

She felt them then, softer then she would have thought them to be and she let them touch her, felt them dancing up her sides then down to reach to her thighs. His hands landed on the top of them and he used to the position to press her against him, causing her head tilted back with the pleasurable sensation. She felt his lips on her throat and then, with a slight turn, meeting hers desperately.

She closed her eyes tightly and let her conjured fantasy play out. In her mind she reached up and fisted his sandy coloured hair, pulling him closer. She would feel his breath against hers again while she used her lips to silence his mad ramblings mid speech. He would have been whispering something about pheromones into her ear and the laws of human attraction and behavior all the while trapped in his own lust for her. The thought swept through her like wildfire. She felt her own body arch with an intense feeling of arousal that manifested like a hot fire in the center of her body and radiated outwards, causing the rest of her to shiver with sheer unreleased desire. She felt the man behind her tense up and immediately thrust towards her.

Julianne froze as her sense of propriety rushed back to her alongside the realization of the situation she had put herself in. In an instant her feet were moving away from the outraged cried of her partner, hurrying towards the exit. She left in a flash, barely managing to make it to coat check and then out to the street.

Cool air hit her overheated body, causing a deep shiver run through her form. She knew her face looked flushed, her blonde hair probably a curling mess around her and her expression fearful. She steadied. She was not a helpless child nor a broken woman trapped in her own psychosis. She moved with distinct confidence to a nearby cab and within seconds she was on her way home while texting Alison to let her know that she had left. It was only then that the seriousness of the situation hit her.

She had been a few moments from seriously making out with a complete stranger while fantasizing about a con. Not just any con. Lloyd. She gasped softly, earning a look from the cabby in front of her by way of the rear view mirror.

So odd that when her mind was given free reign it was his image that she wandered too. Maybe not so odd. Lately Lloyd had been taking a more active role in her conscious and subconscious mind. She attributed it to the "pro bono advice" he seemed to give her now and again. The funny part was that it worked. Group therapy, years of private one on one sessions with no progress and it took Lloyd Lowery all of ten minutes to accurately diagnose and prescribe a perfectly effective method of behavioral therapy. It was one of the few times when someone had done something for her and expected nothing in return. The only other time in her recent memory was Ray and his support when she had been kicked out of the Academy.

Of course the thoughts of Ray brought forth the comparison, her slowly clearing head quickly setting the two men against one another.

If her feelings for Ray were car crash then her feelings for Lloyd were a slow burn. Where Ray took the control from you, Lloyd was all about giving it back. Lloyd was like holding your hand over a candle and counting how long you could keep it there before pulling away. It was an odd sensation, painful and sharp but it was all about making the choice. Lloyd was decision incarnate. He gave you the information and left it with you: take the advice or leave it. Take the risk or abandon it. Lie or tell the truth, call or don't call. Lloyd was about making a choice, placing control in her hands and waiting to see what she decided to do with it. When she was with him there was no closing her eyes and letting fate to carry her away. There was no surrender to his will or the will of another. No, Lloyd was a burn deep inside her, spreading the head from one point and extending outwards until it was so painful that she should pull away but as soon as she did she would feel cold all over. However he left it to her to decide how much or how little of that burn she wanted to feel. That was who he was. He was the push and pull. It was impossible to hold your hand over an open flame without suffering but the moment you took your hand away the pain came sharp swift. Lloyd was nearly impossible to endure at times. He was just too much of everything; too smart and to quick witted. Honestly, she doubted the man had ever lived in anything but extremes.

Then again her own life was one of extremes. Whereas Ray made his own problems hers were born and bred into her. Lloyd could understand that on a level very few could. Whereas most others say her as a thing broken that needed to be fixed Lloyd saw her as something more. Something created and molded differently from others, just as he was. There were weak parts in her, parts that needed to be mended, but in the end it was what she was and he wasn't attempting to change her structure, just strengthen her weaknesses. Ray felt the need to protect her by safeguarding her. Lloyd wanted to make her stronger by helping her learn how to defend herself.

As she slipped from the cab, paid the fare and stumbled up the steps to her front porch a sort of peace settled over her. When it came to the two options, to crash or burn there really wasn't a choice. Once upon a time she would have argued that the free fall feeling of a crash was the best sensation in the world but recently she had learned to appreciate a slow burn. And she knew she would choose it every time.