DISCLAIMER: None of it's mine because Mr Marlowe thought of it first.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Special thanks to my darling muse, Ellkat!

Be super obnoxious in the lab just because it's fun to tick him off

Give him a pop quiz on the uniforms' names

Poke through in his lab equipment

Lock him in a room with Ryan and Esposito, who give him a lecture about being polite, because then he might actually have friends

Lock him in a room with Lanie, who teaches him how to be a polite, because Ryan and Esposito failed

Ask him what his childhood was like

Have Kate, Castle, Lanie, Ryan and Esposito eat lunch with him and make a big deal about it

Have Lanie invite herself to eat lunch with him, while she goes on and on about Kate and Castle, and how they should just get together already

Pair him with Lanie (who has Esposito and Caskett on the brain) during a very, very long case

Let Kate and Lanie annoy him

Let Ryan and Esposito annoy him

Have him be forced to choose a side in one of Kate and Castle's arguments

Let Castle ask him as many annoying and detailed questions as his heart desires

Let Castle touch everything in the lab, while paying rapt attention to Perlmutter and pretend that everything is perfectly okay, even though Castle is about to set something on fire

Ask him nonstop to come to poker night, knowing that he'll cave eventually

Blackmail him into coming to poker night with Castle and his mystery buddies, and see what happens

Have Castle host a karaoke night at the Old Haunt, and have him brought forcibly onstage. Number one rule: Perlmutter isn't allowed to leave the stage until he has performed any 90's boy band song

Have Castle shadow him for a day, saying that he needs to do research. Lanie would've let Castle shadow her, but she and Esposito both got "sick" at the same time…