Crash Bandicoot: The Stripes of Sigma

First Session: Leading a New Nefarious Pac

Warning: This fanfiction is rated M and it contains strong reference to alcohol and tobacco, graphic violence, coarse language, references to religious symbolism, scenes of sexual nature, and extreme dialogue. Readers strongly cautioned.

Chapter One: Old Enemies, New Beginnings, No Mercy

[Narrator]

I always thought to myself whether or not someone with the galls to throw a humongous party for not only to his friends, but to a person who couldn't try to speak and left himself like an outcast, despite having friends who can help him through tough times. And how would it be that at the time of the grand finale of the party, a faction lead by a deranged deity would come and crash the party and kill lots of people and it was up to one person who can save everyone from the faction's rampage. To me, it seemed like a dream that happened to me a long time ago. Today, in my words, it did. And I remember how this all started. For countless days, months, and years, Dr. Neo Cortex, the world's craziest but mad professor, would have a dream of one day altering and manipulating an animal in order to become his weapon of mass destruction, but, many times, it failed. One animal would never submit to evil and debauchery, and in the process, got the galls to step in and attack Cortex for taking hostage his beautiful girlfriend and trying to make her as the servant of destruction. And that person's name is Crash Bandicoot. Yes, the bandicoot that we all know since the past times of where he became a force to be reckon with. Crash, who may seem to be a lazy person who, back in his hometown of The Wumpa Islands, loves to sleep a lot and eats nothing but raccoons and Wumpa fruits, is actually a heroine due to his nature of side-swiping enemies, confusing them, and on one time, killing them. He only has one kill, but it was mostly an accident when Pinstripe Potaroo was asphyxiated from a stray Wumpa fruit when he was trying to stop Crash from saving his girlfriend. But on three occasions, with the help of his sole friend, and always referring to her as sister, Coco, they have gone through rough terrains to stop Dr. Cortex and his henchmen from taking over the world and, in the process, kidnap the bandicoots to make them evil, as Cortex wanted to do for a long time. Now, years later, things have change for both Cortex and the Bandicoots. This story begins on March 17 at Dr. Cortex's laboratory at N. Sanity Island. Dr. Cortex, still determined to find a way to get his prey, was fixing up his Cortex Vortex using new and old machineries that he rarely uses and tries to at least make it strong so he can use it to manipulate Crash and his friends. His henchmen, Dr. Nefarious Trophy, is calculating the time of how the machine will fire, while Dr. Nitro Gin, or N. Gin as he has been called for years, was manipulating jewels with acid that he steals every time he sees it from different islands around the world, but he wants to manipulate the jewels so Cortex would get a power boost. However, taking this long to recreate the weapon usually incites Uka Uka, the evil brother of the tribal witch doctor, Aku Aku, and you would not dare incite Uka Uka for taking too long on creating a vile weapon. Uka said angrily to Dr. Cortex:

"You slow witted, fail-set, maniacal, fat, son of a fucking sister! What's been taking you so long to get the Cortex Vortex back into function after all these countless failures of you trying to manipulate that fucking bandicoot of yours? I don't know why you're so damn slow! What is your goddamn dysfunction!"

"Uka Uka, please, try to hold your horses for once," said Cortex calmly, but fearful. "You don't know how long it takes to recreate a weapon I wanted to use while trying to snatch Crash Bandicoot and his other offspring. Besides, you haven't got into the future yet."

Uka, who is prone to mix words in negativity, as you just heard, responded to Cortex:

"Are you mocking me or what? No one backtracks with Uka Uka and gets away with it! You hear me?"

Suddenly, Cortex ignores Uka Uka's demands and asked Dr. N. Gin:

"N. Gin. What's the status of the Cortex Vortex?"

N. Gin, who has a mechanical voice due to the missile incident he had when working with the Defense Industry, said to Cortex:

"According to the data I have been seeing on my computer, the Cortex Vortex currently stands at 90.2% of its completion point. However, it needs to be 91% complete in order to be completely functional. It's only a matter of time before we can test it, especially the jewels I have stolen from various Islands, especially the Maldives."

"Well, we're going to need them at least once to get a powerful blast against the bandicoots," said Cortex. "Dr. N. Trophy?"

"Just about...finishing up...the final connections...to this Vortex...," said Trophy struggling as he was getting all the wires welded up to get the electricity flowing. "Done! Phew. Man, connecting and welding wires. More like taking out stuck-up dung from a sick possum."

"Eww, sick, Trophy," said Cortex in disdain. Uka Uka said:

"So we need to accommodate the 8/10s percentage of the Cortex Vortex so we can take this bitch for a spin. I think we need a gem to give it a test drive. N. Gin, how about those Maldivian Jewels you have there?"

"You're kidding me, are you?" said N. Gin also in disdain. "I have yet to get this gem into a tub of Nitrogen! This is the best power source for the Vortex! It's not ready yet!"

"Don't give me no lisp, you rocket fucker!" shouted Uka Uka. "I know what I am exactly doing! And besides, you know that Nitrogen can give you headaches! Aren't you that goddamn pathetic, huh?"

"Uh, Uka," said Cortex in fear, "I wish you would never..."

"A Rocket Fucker?" said N. Gin in anger. "A ROCKET FUCKER? Are you telling me I am that fucking dumb? What is wrong with you! Son of a sister? Rocket Fucker? Lisp? For years, I had to endure your dumb-ass remarks while I am trying to help Cortex capture the crazy-ass bandicoots! YOU'RE NOT HELPING IN OUR PROJECT! YET YOU FEAR-MONGER OVER CORTEX'S PLANS AND CHAFE HIM LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT!"

"Who cares if I am not helping!" shouted Uka Uka. "I AM THE ONE WHO IS IN CHARGE HERE!"

He took a charge against N. Gin and placed the mask onto his face, trying to get him to cooperate with the malevolent mask. N. Gin, however, was not cooperating with Uka Uka. He shouted:

"Let me go, you pathetic excuse of a leader! Let me go or I will gouge your eyes out and make you eat it with Nitrogen!"

"Fat chance, you fat fuck!" said Uka Uka. "I don't have eyes, remember! I'll have those jewels that you stole from the Maldives and dipped into Nitrogen and I will gouge your goddamn eyes out if you don't cooperate with me!"

Things got out of hand in a jiff as Uka Uka was trying to get N. Gin to cooperate, but N. Trophy got fed up with Uka Uka's controllable anger and he decided to step in to help N. Gin. But that causes a huge ruckus as trying to get Uka Uka to calm down ends up with all the jewels being knocked down, especially those dipped in Nitrogen to power up the Vortex. But N. Trophy ended up getting hurt when some hits of Nitrogen got on his face, burning up part of his face. But he didn't give up. He was still trying to get Uka Uka off N. Gin's face. Full of anxiety, Cortex finally had had it. He immediately snatched a Nitrogen-laced and loaded it onto the Cortex Vortex, despite only being 90.2% in function. Suddenly, the Vortex started powering up, and then, acting as a weapon, instead of being a laser blast for manipulating, Cortex took an aim at Uka Uka, risking a big kill against Dr. N. Gin if he isn't careful. He said:

"I had enough of you, Uka Uka! You and your goddamn miscues! I hope this machine will send you back to your prison!"

"KISS MY MASK!" said Uka Uka as he turned N. Gin around to face the laser. But Cortex said:

"OH, CRAP! AIM ON UKA UKA! NOT ON N. GIN!"

"Hah, hah," said Uka Uka. "Such a shame! Looks like Hell won't be taking you in after you kill N. Gin. Hah, hah, hah."

However, just as the Vortex was about to fire away, someone quickly came to the scene and stopped Uka Uka from getting N. Gin killed, releasing his hard grip into Gin's hands. Suddenly, without warning, the vortex fired the laser and struck Uka Uka face first. However, despite the laser hitting Uka Uka, he didn't get destroyed, but was sent flying out of N. Sanity Island... for good. We don't know where that malevolent mask would go, but in time, we will know. Suddenly, the struggle ended, but in a terrible mess. That Cortex Vortex had its last shot for good and Cortex knew from that point on that he wasn't going to take it to Uka Uka's abusive, unintelligent leadership, leading to the big blast. However, he then noticed that the person who stopped Uka from getting N. Gin killed. He said:

"What the hell? Is that you...Aku Aku?"

"Yes," said Aku Aku confidently. "It is me. I noticed from your bruises and scratches that Uka Uka has overstepped his boundaries and made you more of a weak, fearful professor of your chance to annihilate my best friend Crash Bandicoot, huh?"

"Yes, Aku," said Cortex in disdain. "But that idiot just can't understand the proper English vernacular. He kept spouting such vehement language that made me want to toss my lunch to his face. Besides, he was getting on my nerves and it was a good way to send him back to where he belongs. I hope it's no trouble at all, Aku Aku. I am just not asking much, but he needs to shut his own mouth up for sure."

"Well, I got to go find that bastard of a brother before I seal him away in the underground temple of the Fiji Islands," said Aku Aku as he was about to leave. "But, Cortex, if I were you, I have one simple advice for you after years of abuse at the hands of Uka Uka. Retire. I got a bad feeling you'll end up more insane like what happened with Dr. Nitrius Brio. I hate to say it, but I pity you, Dr. Cortex. I pity you. I must go now."

Soon, Aku Aku quickly went away and Cortex, hearing one simple word from the brother of Uka Uka that would begin to seal the fate of Dr. Neo Cortex. Retire. Dr. N. Trophy, recovering from being knocked away by Uka Uka, said to Cortex:

"Cortex, do you really believe that the good witch doctor is actually going to help you in aiding your retirement as a mad scientist? For goodness sakes, he's the enemy with Crash Bandicoot!"

"I know that, Trophy," said Cortex. "I wasn't aware Aku Aku came in quickly and got Uka Uka out of N. Gin's face. Man, it would've been completely disastrous if Uka Uka went on to decapitate N. Gin's head while trying to get him under control. And besides, the Cortex Vortex has finally met its match. We cannot put another gem to the machine because that would set off a chain reaction and set this fortress on fire."

"I know you're pissed, Cortex," said N. Gin, "But you shouldn't give up on account of that cocksucker you called a master."

"I know," said Cortex again. "But... (sighs) son of a bitch, I'm going to need some time to think about this. I'm sorry, N. Gin, N. Trophy. We'll clean up this mess by the time I rest up. I'm just having those damn moments. Dear, dear, dear, oh, dear."

N. Gin and N. Trophy have no idea what's got into Dr. Neo Cortex, but one thing's for certain, they are not sitting well with Cortex's sorrow. After a forceful laser attack by Cortex, Uka Uka immediately recovers from the big blow, but notices that he's all alone, noting that he made a terrible mistake causing the ire of Cortex's henchmen and their trust. When he rose up, he said:

"Oh, gosh. Where am I? Huh? Hey, wait a minute. This...this is the Wumpa Islands. I can't believe that the Cortex Vortex shot me way out of the fortress's eyes. But, who gives a rat's ass. I am glad Cortex is out of my life. Man, no wonder he's so pathetic. Countless years of neglect and sorrow, no wonder he fucked his older sister when he finished college. No pity. Hmm. Funny. I neither see any houses nor huts around this deserted island. Better yet, I don't see any animals here. Wait a minute."

He then took a huge glimpse of a Striped Sinclair Bandicoot near the ruins of an ancient temple, noting the agility to fight off a pelican, and in the process, gut out its body when killed. Uka Uka notices the fangs that the S.S. Bandicoot possesses and within moments, before eating out the intestines of the dead pelican, slashed out a stray bear's neck and quickly drilled out from the inside and out of the bear's body. The violent carnage of the Striped Sinclair Bandicoot has got Uka Uka in his mind. He said:

"Holy Shit! I wasn't aware of a new species of bandicoots here in this island. But this one...is violent. Yes. Violence. Why didn't I think of that before I got released by Cortex's satellite drop? This could be a great idea of manipulating and cloning these kinds of bandicoots to create my own army so I can actually destroy everything I see in this island, especially those good-for-nothing bandicoots."

"You're not going to harm these types of animals," said Aku Aku as he comes by to stop Uka Uka.

"Oh, you again!" shouted Uka Uka. "I wish you can stop following me and let me do my ungodly bidding!"

"Not this time, damn it!" said Aku Aku. "I am getting fed up of your malicious practice...yet...your pathetic excuses of minced words and abuse against Dr. Cortex!"

Suddenly, Aku Aku tries to use his magic powers to transform Uka Uka back to the Fiji Islands' underground temple prison, but Uka Uka, with no mercy, uses his magic to freeze out Aku Aku and escape with the S.S. Bandicoot out of the Wumpa Islands. Uka Uka said while escaping:

"Hahahahahaha. Now, who's the last jack-mask laughing? Free at last!"

Oh, dear. Now what's going to happen now that Uka Uka has snatched a Striped Sinclair Bandicoot out of the Wumpa Islands? Returning back to Cortex's Fortress at N. Sanity Islands, N. Gin and N. Trophy were still not sitting well over Cortex's anguish and depression over what has gone with him since Uka Uka treated him like shit. N. Gin is now worried about Cortex's well-being and has opted to make the ultimate decision. He said to N. Trophy:

"Doctor, I know you're not sitting well with Cortex's conversation with Aku Aku, but you know something, I think that Cortex going through all of the stress in capturing the Bandicoots out of Wumpa Island should deserve to quit that ideal of taking over the world and probably start something anew with his life."

"What are you implying about, Dr. Nitro Gin?" said N. Trophy in question.

"I think he needs to rest a lot, and I mean a lot," said N. Gin. "Uka Uka really used his propaganda and punched his testicles like it was no tomorrow. None the less, twisted till had no guts to be shooting blanks."

"Sheesh," said N. Trophy. "You're more vulgar than Uka Uka, but not that serious. (Sighs) maybe it's time we should part the islands and actually give Cortex a chance to rest easy. But, wait a minute. What about us? How are we able to do for a living? What are we going to do?"

"That will be unanswerable," said N. Gin. "It's your decision whether you want to continue the chase for the bandicoots or not. I already got my answer, but I won't divulge it. Besides, if we're going to leave this place, we need Cortex. Hey, I don't care if he goes neutral, unless he wants another person to try to manipulate."

"Hmm," thinking N. Trophy. "Maybe you're right. I got a fully functional magic carpet at this fortress so we can roam around the islands one more time before we get out."

Even though they're still not sitting well from Aku's comment, they decided to take heed and get Cortex out of N. Sanity Island for good. They left the lab and went to go see Cortex before they get to their transportation to end their oldest failed mission of all...and with good reason. However, as they exited the lab, Uka Uka, successful in freezing Aku Aku to stop him from imprisoning him back to the Fiji Islands, notices that he found a red ruby, not yet doused in Nitrogen, still pure and virgin. Uka then said to himself:

"A Red Ruby. Of course. I always wanted to see a Red Ruby yet to be stained in Nitrogen so I can do my own bidding. But, I don't want to have Nitrogen on this ruby. Instead...I want blood. Yes. And I think I know where to get blood from, and I know just the place to get it: that infernal bandicoot's homeland."

Destined to see his enemy annihilated, Uka Uka took the non-doused red ruby using telekinesis and quickly left to find the nemesis's hometown, which is known today as Wumpa Island, speaking of which...

(Wumpa Island / Off the coast of Tasmania / 11:00pm)

Wumpa Island, a quiet island off the coast of Tasmania around Oceania, it is mostly the sole island known for its popular fruit, a mix of peaches, nectarines, and apples: the Wumpa fruit. However, only two habitants are living in this island, and if you want to take a guess, I suggest not. The first habitant I'm referring to is what Cortex has been talking about for a long time that he always wanted to catch and manipulate. Crash Bandicoot. Yep, the bandicoot that we know for a long time, but still recognize as the heroine of all kinds. Today, since he doesn't know that Cortex has finally gave up, he's just relaxing, even though he naps a lot and eats mostly domestic raccoons and Wumpas, but if you never see the other side of Crash Bandicoot, well, you will now. Even though for some that bedtime would rouse up at 10:00pm, Crash, despite his napping, would even stay up till the crack of dawn just do his favorite pastime of the night: Dancing. But he would not be alone though. Even though Polar and Pura, one of Crash's helpers during his adventures, would come by to see him often, they are now living their own lives either as hunters or performers, but one of these days, we will find out. He is actually living with his friend Penta, a penguin, who a long time ago was about to get fried by Dingodile in the South Pole, only to be saved when Crash got that Aussie fiend out of his life for good. Other words, he fried Dingodile like a pig. After he saved Penta, he took him in and all through the years, they have been agreeing with doing chores and housework, and after long mornings and napping, they love to dance, play games, but mostly, they love to drink Papumpa, Crash's choice of Wumpa Beer made by Papu Papu, a resident of the native Tribes of Tasmania. At that time, Penta enjoyed seeing Crash Bandicoot danced like crazy, but into a lot of techno and euro-pop. Well, you might know that he's into a German pop group Cascada, and Crash was dancing to the famous song "Evacuate the Dance Floor," doing a lot of arm swings and pelvic thrust. Penta, laughing his butt off but enjoying a bit of it, said to himself:

"Oh, man. That Crash Bandicoot sure knows how to dance like a maniac. Maybe all that pelvic thrusting will get him into lasting more than six hours worth of sex."

Penta, though a cute penguin, makes a lot of quirky puns when it comes to vulgarity, and what you just heard was nuts. Well, it may seem to be fun and games, but around the house where Penta and Crash are, there came Uka Uka, spying on Crash and Penta, trying to figure out what was going on. Uka, knowing that he needs blood to create his army, said to himself:

"There he is. Crash Bandicoot. Hmm. I see. Acting like a fool, dancing to his favorite music. How sickening. Well, it don't matter, I can still get his blood...by using some magic to drug that infernal son of a fucker."

Uka Uka, with all his might, redden his eyes and started manipulating Crash's drink so he can knock out Crash with the high alcohol content. Ten seconds later...

"There we go. Just only a matter of time."

"Mr. Bandicoot," said the polite Penta, "I'm gonna go "swag the dolphin" at the water closet. It won't take me longer than a minute."

Crash, who of course a silent bandicoot since his adventures, gave the thumbs up and decided to take a hit of the Papumpa Beer before continuing on with his dance routine. However, Crash doesn't know that Uka Uka manipulated his drink with his scouring magic in order to get his blood to create his squadron. Uka, watching in elation as he sees Crash drinking the beer quickly as he got very thirsty from dancing his favorite tune. But, after taking a huge gulp of his favorite beer, Crash started to feel sick. No, he's not a heavy drinker, but the taste of the beer made him cling onto his stomach, getting closer to throwing up. Uka, with a huge smile on his face, saw his target going straight to the ground. Soon, Crash started bouncing like shit around the house, feeling the intense pain around his body. But he also caused some commotion when his pain made him fling his arms around, smashing furniture, glass, especially his picture frames of his friends, but one picture ended up flinging out a DVD from its picture frame and onto the floor. Finally, Crash threw up, but he was throwing up blood, knowing that the drink Uka Uka manipulated caused a heavy amount of pain because Uka Uka used a magic potion out of his eyes which gave the smell of Formaldehyde straight out. Crash eventually passed out, but still in huge pain. Uka Uka then used the telekinesis on the Striped Sinclair Bandicoot he snatched and sent it inside to roll in Crash's blood vomit. Laughing in demonic fashion, Uka Uka then said to himself after the Striped Sinclair Bandicoot rolled completely in Crash's blood vomit:

"Oh, yeah. Now we're talking. The blood should be enough to make more than 50 cloned versions of the bandicoot I've just snatched so I can make my army. It's only a matter of time I can actually take over the islands around Oceania and then take Crash's head as my trophy. Glad I got rid of that cum-bucket Dr. Neo Cortex for good."

Finally, he got the Striped Sinclair Bandicoot out of the pool of blood vomit and immediately took off with the blood-soaked animal and the red ruby. Crash, on the other hand, was still knocked out from the drink that got manipulated, but with him still clutching his stomach. After Penta had finished "swaging the dolphin," he noticed that the music stopped and felt that Crash went to sleep. Penta didn't bother about it and eventually went to his Igloo Room to calm down for the night. But it wasn't as calm for Crash Bandicoot as he left the room in a serious mess from his stomach carnage. Sweat pouring out of Crash's body, staining the wood floor with his mix of saliva and blood vomit, better yet, his pictures of his friends on the ground, yet one thing bothers me. The DVD that plopped out of a red-wood picture frame, who actually gave it to Crash Bandicoot and what was the motive? Then, there was a reading on the back of the frame. It reads:

"I will miss you dearly. This DVD will remember you how much I love you. Visit me someday in Victoria, baby. Kisses."

Who could it be, and what happens if Crash forgets about her? At the side of the house, Dr. Cortex noticed Crash's bad hit with blood from his vomit and by the looks of it, he knew that Uka Uka was up to no good. He said in concern:

"What the hell? How did Crash end up having blood in his vomit? And what happened with the rest of it? It must've been soaked by something else."

"You're asking me," said N. Gin. "Crash must've drank something that gave him the "Fits n' Gits."

"Fits n' Gits?" question Cortex.

"Yes," said N. Gin, "Throwing up and going batshit through the stomach pain. I had a feeling Uka Uka was up to something. Crash's house is a mess!"

"And I think I know what caused this to happen," said N. Trophy as he spots a trail of black and orange fur from the sand tracks. "See those colors of the fur? Black and Orange, the colors of the dangerous Striped Sinclair Bandicoot from Vanuatu. I just don't know why it got here at the Wumpa Islands. Strange."

Suddenly, without warning, they felt a sharp feeling on their bodies, knowing that Uka Uka was planning to clone the S.S. Bandicoot in his hidden site in Fiji. Cortex said in disdain:

"That...that son of a bitch. Why?"

They could not say the answer was, but they knew from that point on, they are worthless as enemies of Crash Bandicoot. And now, they have to answer it by making Uka Uka...their enemy as well. +

[Chapter Notes]

- The Striped Sinclair Bandicoot is a name made up as a dangerous species of bandicoot that was sent to the Wumpa Islands from Ambrym, of the Malampa Islands of Vanuatu. Due to a major freak accident from N. Brio's experiments, the blood of a tiger and a ceram bandicoot caused this species to be very violent, which in this story, it gored N. Brio harshly. This is what Uka Uka was looking for.

- Swaging the Dolphin is a vulgar slang made up by Penta Penguin as a reference to taking a piss.

- Papumpa Beer is mostly a lambic made by Papu Papu, the neutral character in Crash Bandicoot, made of mostly Wumpa Fruits.

- In this story, N. Sanity Island and Wumpa Island are two separate islands. They both got separated after N. Brio's death, but not after his dissention with Dr. Cortex.