The Sliver of Light in the Dark

Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Twilight related, they all belong to Stephenie Meyer.

Summary: What if Bella didn't survive Renesmee's birth? What would Edward do? Would he kill himself and leave Renesmee without both her parents?

EPOV

Two years had passed and I had come to a careful balance, one that would keep me busy from the constant pain in my chest. I would spend all day with Renesmee. I would tend to all of her needs as time kept going by. Renesmee was very smart for her age. So with a month and a half of age she was already alphabetized and quickly learning the names to everything surrounding her. Esme had always wanted to become a teacher, so she took on that role for Renesmee. They would use Carlisle's office for two hours everyday.

At night, I would search up any kind of information about Renesmee. I searched books and the internet and kept an eye out for any signs of the theories presented, but none of them were ever right. Eleazar was a great help, every time I thought a theory might be the answer, I would sit with him and Carlisle and we would discuss the possible outcomes from every angle, until proven that it wasn't the right theory.

Even with all of the research I was doing, I still made some time to remember Bella, like Tayna said. One night after four hours of hopeless research, I gave in for the night and sat outside to just remember. I remembered our wedding. I remembered how amazing the place looked thanks to Alice, and all of the nerves I felt. I lingered with the memory of Bella walking down the aisle holding onto Charlie. I savored the way her dress looked so beautifully on her, I kept replaying the look on Bella's face when she saw me standing there waiting for her. I remembered the vows we both took and that kiss. Our first kiss as husband and wife.

I glanced down at my left hand, where my wedding band was still on my ring finger. I played with it, twirling it around my finger as I replayed that memory.

An image of Bella popped into my head, one that wasn't what I was remembering. It was Renesmee thinking about her. Lately that's all she's ever dreamed about, her mother. She was curious.

Renesmee knew that Bella wasn't alive, that much was obvious, but she didn't know what caused her death. She was scared to ask me, scared for my reaction and scared of her reaction.

She didn't resemble my sweet little baby girl from two years ago, but she wasn't a toddler either. She was very smart and constantly aware of everything. She looked like a 7 year old, but acted like a 14 year old.

Every night Renesmee would dream of different scenarios that caused her mother's death. Even though I knew that she just wanted to find some answers and that she couldn't control her subconscious, it still hurt to see all of the different ways Bella could have died, but the worst was that Renesmee always awoke terrified when she saw who the killer was and in every dream she was the killer. I would try to soothe her, to tell her it was all just a bad dream, but I couldn't do anything to stop the dreams. I knew how bad she wanted to know the story, but I didn't want to tell it to her. I had asked the rest of the family not to tell her, that I would when the time was right.

Even though I didn't want to tell Renesmee the story, the time had come, for her dreams kept getting worse which resulted to her barely sleeping and becoming very grouchy. She was in her room doing the homework that Esme had assigned her. I stood in front of her door for a few minutes before knocking.

"Come on in dad." She replied. Renesmee had sensitive hearing, though not quite like ours, so she knew that I was outside her door.

I opened the door carefully as I prepared myself to tell Renesmee my worst memory.

RPOV

I knew my father was outside my door, so I immediately let him in when he knocked. I turned around to face him and saw worry etched on his features. Furrowing my brow, I asked him what was wrong.

"Nothing's wrong." He sighed deeply. "I just need to tell you something."

Immediately, I knew what it was. I was having nightmares for a while now, but they started to get intense and worse recently. Every time I woke up almost screaming I felt intense guilt, but I could never figure out why. I had assumed that it was because I knew my father could see my dreams and that probably caused him pain, but deep inside I knew that wasn't the case. Looking at him cross the room and sit at the edge of my bed, I knew he was going to tell me the one story he had avoided to think about, let alone tell me about. He was going to tell me the cause of my mother's death.

I sat up on the bed and pushed away my school books. I grabbed both my father's hands, hoping to ease some of his pain. I knew this was a tough subject because he once explained to me that he would always feel like half of him was missing.

"Your mother's death was sort of a chain reaction." He took a deep breath and began to tell the story.

"Your mother and I got married and we went to Isle Esme for our honeymoon. We spent two weeks there before we found out she was pregnant with you. We rushed home because we didn't know anything that was happening. Renesmee, you need to know that I love you very much before I continue."

"I know that daddy." I replied while looking deep in his eyes to show that I know he loved me deeply.

He nodded and continued.

"At the time, we didn't know that you were possible. No vampire had ever been with a human before unless the human was lunch afterward. So when we found out that your mother was pregnant I began to panic. I didn't think of the beautiful creature and the little baby that was inside of her womb, all I thought about was the vampire parts and I was scared that Bella wouldn't make it."

Wait, what does that mean? Did I suck the life out of my mother while I was in her womb? Was I slowly killing her from the inside out?

"When your mom found out, she was so happy. She was thrilled that she was pregnant and that we were going to have a baby, but I didn't see it like that and I thought she was crazy for wanting to keep you. We didn't know how to care for you and her and all we could think about was saving her and I'm really sorry for thinking that, but I've never been happier to be wrong, and so is the rest of the family. Know that they love you too, very much."

I just nodded, I couldn't think straight yet.

"Your aunt Rosalie and your mother fought for you, but your mom was quickly getting worse. We would try to feed her, but she would throw up and never absorb the nutrients her body needed to stay alive. You were so much stronger the her, constantly kicking her, but she never complained and took it all. After a while, close to when you were due, we discovered that your appetite was closer to ours and that you were thirsty. So we were able to get some human blood and your mother drank it all up and that got her stronger and she was able to eat again. Then one day, while Carlisle was out hunting and getting more blood for Bella, it all happened so fast."

I nodded again to let him know that I was keeping up. I just listened to everything not wanting to let it sink in just yet.

"By this point in time, I could make out your thoughts and I realized that you are pure and loving and not at all what I had thought. I feel so ashamed for having thought that and I'm so sorry sweetheart."

"It's ok dad." I whispered.

"Your mom had just finished telling me what she wanted to name our baby and I happily agreed. She was reaching for her cup of blood when she accidentally dropped it. She tried to pick it back up alongside us, but as she was stretching something inside her broke and she quickly fell to the ground."

I knew we were getting close to the moment she died because his features were so sad and distant.

"She had fainted and we raced her up to Carlisle's study which was transformed into a hospital at the time. We quickly came to the conclusion that the placenta had detached. Do you know what that means?"

I nodded my head, "I was dying too, right?"

He nodded. "So we had to get you out as quickly as possible and inject your mom with my venom to save you both. Your mother was in and out of consciousness. I had inserted morphine in her blood system so she wouldn't feel much pain, but I don't think it worked. When I got through her skin, she kept gasping and I wasn't sure what she was going through, but I had left the cut unattended which caused her to loose so much blood. I was able to get you out after ripping the amniotic sac with my teeth because it was like my skin. I got you out in time and it was just the best moment of my life, to see my baby girl for the first time and hold her. When I looked up, she was looking at me crying with the biggest smile on her face. I asked her if she wanted to hold you and she nodded, so I handed you to her."

My eyes widened as I recalled that memory, the only memory of my mother.

"You were thirsty and she was covered in blood...so you bit her nipple. I pulled you away quickly and handed you to Rose, but Bella was already beginning to faint. The worst thing was her heart started to slow down. When I heard that, I froze and kept looking at her until I remembered that I needed to save her, but she had lost so much blood and was loosing to much as well. I injected her with my venom, but her heart had given up. I tired everything, but nothing brought her back to me...to us."

He was looking at his wedding ring again. I squeezed his hand in a comforting way and he looked at me. He wiped the tears I didn't know that had fallen. I pulled him into a hug.

"Stay with me the rest of the night, please?" I begged.

"Of course baby girl."

He removed his shoes and laid down on the bed by my side. I held onto him and he began humming my mother's lullaby, knowing how it soothed me.

My dream was like the story my dad had told me. I saw everything that happened. My mother pregnant with me, but being sick and throwing up and being kicked by me constantly. My mother dropping her cup and trying to pick it back up. All of the birthing process that my dad explained came clearly to me, almost as if I was watching it from someone else eyes.

I woke up screaming in horror. Arms were around me in a instant and the embrace made me feel better, which made me feel guilty.

"Shh, baby. It's ok, I'm here." He cooed in my ear, soothing me. I hugged him back and tried to clear my thoughts, but one thing kept coming back to me.

It was all my fault. My mother's death was all my fault.

"No it's not. Don't you ever say that!" he argued.

"Of course it's my fault! How could it now be? I starved her, I kicked her. I killed her."

I launched myself into his arms and let the tears spill.

He was quite for a long time. Almost like he was thinking something, but wasn't sure how to tell me. What could he be thinking that would make him so quiet.

And then it hit me.

"You're not saying anything. You think it's my fault too." I yelled.

"What? NO! Renesmee it wasn't your fault." He shot back.

"Stop lying!"

I got up and ran from the room. I didn't want to see his disappointed expression. He was right about me when I was just a fetus growing in my mother's stomach. I was a monster.

I didn't see Kate in the hallway as I was running as far away from my room.. and him, so I bumped into her.

"Oof. Sorry Kate, I didn't see you there." I apologized.

"It's ok Renesmee. Are you alright?"She asked concerned.

"Not really."

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"Yea, but can we do so while hunting? I'm kind of thirsty." I mumbled shyly.

"Of course sweetheart."

We dashed outside and ran side by side for half an hour. I guess she didn't want to go too far. I heard some deer nearby and ran after them. They weren't my favorite, but the burn in my throat wasn't too bad and I needed a distraction before I unleash everything to Kate. After my deer I sat down on the ground next to Kate, who had finished hunting a while before me. She embraced me in a hug.

"What's the matter sugarplum?"

"You didn't hear the conversation with my father?"

"No, I wasn't near the house. I wanted to go for a walk."

"Oh. Well, Lately I've been having nightmares about my mother's death. So, my father decided to tell me what actually happened. I knew this was a touchy subject for him to talk about. He told me everything and I couldn't help but feel guilty. I killed her Kate, my own mother." I wiped the tears that began to fall.

"Oh, sweetheart. You didn't kill your mother. Why would you think that?"

"Because I kicked and sucked the life out of her!"

"That wasn't your fault. You didn't know what you were doing and your mother loved you. She loved feeling you kick, even if it hurt her."

"Yea, well how do you know?" I mumbled.

"Because Rosalie told me. You know, when your mother was pregnant with you Rose was the one who took care of her, so they talked a lot. She told me that every time you kicked your mom would smile through the pain because you were stronger then her. Rose asked her about it one day and she said that it was proof of the love your father and her shared. It was a life they created together."

I smiled a little, thinking about my mother, but then I remembered my father's silence.

"Well, then how come when I told him that I felt like it was my fault he fell quiet?"

"I don't know. Did you ask him about it?"

"No, I ran from the room because I knew he agreed with me. He thinks it's my fault too."

"No he doesn't."

I humphed and looked away from her.

"Renesmee, look at me please." I turned and faced her.

"I've known your father for a very long time. He doesn't and would never think that you killed you mother. Maybe he was remembering what truly caused her death, or just her and didn't hear you when you blamed yourself. I don't know what goes on in that head of his, but he does everything for a reason. Sometimes not that right reason, but still for a reason. Just know that he loves you very much and would do anything for you. He's trying his hardest to be a father you know. It's not easy raising a child on your own, let alone a vampire hybrid. Just give him a chance." She chuckled.

I smiled. She was right. My father always had a reason, so I need to find out why he was so quiet. I stood up and hugged Kate.

"Thank you for listening and helping me through this."

"No problem, that's what cousins are for. "She smiled and we ran back home.

EPOV

Crap! Crap, crap, crap! Where could she have gone? I'm so stupid for not running after her. I should have told her flat out that it was my fault Bella died and not have hesitated. I'm the worst father in the world.

I heard her fluttering heartbeat and ran to the windows where I saw her and Kate smiling at each other. Kate gave Renesmee a hug and ran upstairs. She was silent even in her mind.

"Where were you?" I asked as soon as she sat on the couch.

She opened her mouth to respond, but I cut her off.

"No, it's ok. Sweetheart I need for you to know that I don't blame you for your mother's death. I only hesitated because I wasn't sure how to tell you that it was all my fault. I should have done more to save her and I didn't. I didn't know how to explain it to you without you thinking that I'm such a horrid person." I looked to the ground.

I heard her footsteps as she walked to me and felt her warm hand on my chin pushing it so I knew to look up. I looked into her deep brown eyes.

"You are not a horrid person. I don't blame you for mom's death. You did everything you could and more, daddy. I'm proud of you for not giving up on her. It's no ones fault why she died. Life's unfair and sometimes we don't get everything that we always want, but that doesn't mean we don't get things we didn't ask for. I love you daddy." She wrapped her arms around me.

"I love you too, my baby girl." I hugged her back.

"I was with Kate about a half hour away in the forest. I needed to clear my mind." She answered my first question.

I just nodded my head. I didn't care anymore as long as she forgave me then I was happy.

AN: I know this is very late, but Happy Holidays to all of my readers! I hope it was filled with joy and happiness and that this new year is a great one.

I know you all are probably mad at me for not updating sooner, but I have my reasons. I had this chapter ready to be updated the week of Christmas (yes, it was going to be my Christmas present to you guys), but my computer broke down. I could still write, but it wouldn't let me update because it wouldn't connect to my internet. That problem is half way fixed. I can update, but I can't really stay online long due to the fact that the connection only lasts about 10 minutes. Don't worry you can still review and I can read and reply through my iPod.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone who reviewed. Sorry if I didn't reply to all of you who reviewed, I'm doing the best I can. Also, can you guys that read PLEASE review a little more. I'm grateful for the people who review but, I'm feeling kind of down because I couldn't update sooner. I want to know what you guys think of when you read my story. I know how many readers I have, so I expect more reviews. I don't like flamers, but I'll respond respectfully IF you leave your name. C'mon, if your going to bash my work have the balls to leave your name. I was thinking about leaving questions for you guys here in my author's note so we can have a better conversation. I love making friends and I know many people who have become friends through FanFiction.

So my first question is, Do you think this question thing is a good idea? Why?

Thanks everyone and see until next time. :D