The six of them had managed to wade through only 32 names on the list when Gail Connors called Castle. Kate watched his face as he took the call, a little ticked that he'd walked out of the conference room to talk in private. This was her life hanging in the balance here. At the same time, she knew he was attempting to be polite (the rest of them were still on their own phones, or about to be, as they went through the list of names).

She knew before he did what Connors was going to say. She'd known all day.

The show must go on.

She was resolved to it. Castle was a fighter, because he was mostly an upbeat person who thought money could actually make things easier (and, well, it mostly did), but Kate was a fighter because she had fought for everything the moment her mother had been murdered. She was a fighter because life had made her into one. She wasn't always good at it, but she didn't stop.

So, knowing that the review board was going to take place no matter what didn't stop Kate. It did make her cautious. She didn't specifically identify herself to the people she called; she only took the names of people who weren't within her own parents' sphere of influence, or who she'd never have cause to come into contact with in an official capacity. Castle was calling the high and mighty, while the Captain, Ryan, Esposito, and Lanie called everyone else. Kate had managed only to ferret out three people: most everyone on Reese's list of contacts was someone who might know her already, or at least know about her.

Through the window, Kate saw Castle's shoulders hunch. She felt her heart drop and silently cursed herself for hoping. She'd been fooling herself. She hadn't meant to, but there it was. Hope, scattered to the wind.

She was suddenly glad that Castle had made Alexis leave with Ashley about an hour ago. At first, the two of them had tried to insist on staying, manning the phones or doing some kind of grunt work. Kate, fresh from her all-too-revealing conversation with Ashley, had been inclined to let them help. Not for herself, not because she thought it would help, but because she thought maybe Alexis needed it. Castle, against his better judgment, had let them stay a little while, then sent them home in the car service.

Kate wanted to go home. She wanted to ignore this all weekend and arrive for work on Monday like it wasn't the last day of her job. She wanted this to be over already, but she knew it was only beginning.

Castle came back into the room; everyone stopped and stared at him. At the shake of his head, they all dropped their phones, stopped trying. He stood in the doorway uncertainly for a moment. "Kate, can I talk to you?"

She was on her feet before she even realized he'd called her name. Oh. Damn. She was lost. Kate followed him out of the conference room and towards the bullpen. But once they were in front of the murder board, it felt wrong. She crossed her arms and tried to give him a smile. "Connors is going through with the review, isn't she?"

He nodded, once, sharply. "She also thinks it's a bad idea for you to have legal representation. She said the fact that I even asked makes you look like you have something to hide." His voice cracked.

Kate laced her fingers with his, tugging him a little closer. "It's fine. Captain said the union rep comes in and sits with you anyway."

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have asked. I shouldn't have pushed-"

"Castle." He looked like a man struggling, and she was helpless to understand it. She wished he would smile; it would do wonders for her own outlook. "It's not your fault."

"You know that talk you didn't want to have?" he asked suddenly, and now she saw what the struggle had been about. "I want to have it. Now. Please."

She swallowed a hard lump of terror, forced it down, and squeezed his hand. "This isn't the best time for me," she joked, but stopped when his face went blank. "But okay. All right."

"Not here."

"Where?" she asked, bewildered.

"I don't want to have this conversation in the same place we talk about death." Castle turned, tugging on her hand, making his way to the elevator.

He was superstitious, the idiot. She smiled to herself and followed after him. He bypassed the elevator though, kept going until he banged his fist on the bathroom door. The women's bathroom.

She laughed. "Castle!" He was already calling out to make sure no one was inside the bathroom. The place was deserted enough; the team on call had gotten a body only twenty minutes ago and were still at the crime scene.

Castle was checking under the stalls. "Hey, you skipped ahead to page 105 in here. It has good vibes."

Oh, that's what she had needed. That grin across his face, the smarmy way he had that was actually so making her stomach flutter. And it made things so much harder too. "We're having this conversation in the bathroom?"

He nodded and leaned back against the row of sinks, hands supporting him on either side. He looked absolutely handsome, ruggedly handsome, she thought, and had a moment of stupid silliness that crested in her like a wave. Hysteria, she supposed, using the analytical, cop side of her brain. She was finally losing it.

"Okay, talk," he said.

"You first."

"Josh called you."

"That's done," she said with a frown, waving her hand at him.

He nodded. "And this? Us?"

"You're going to make me put it all out there first?"

"Yes. I think it's only fair."

She raised an eyebrow. "How is it fair?"

"I've been saying for years how I want to-"

"Castle, *that* is not the same thing."

"It's close."

"Not enough." She crossed her arms and glared at him.

"I don't want you to go there, Monday," he said suddenly. "I don't want you to go in there alone. I don't want to not see you all weekend and then have to wonder all Monday morning, and then debate with myself over whether or not I even have the right to call you and find out how it went, and berate myself the whole way to your apartment because you wouldn't pick up your phone but still head out to your place because, *still*, I have to see you, Kate-"

She enveloped him in a hug before he managed to even finish that. Whatever it was. A rant. A plea. Desperation; it felt like desperation and she hated that. His arms came around her and pressed tightly against her ribs, like he could absorb her into himself. She took a deep breath, gathering herself, caught a whiff of detergent and sweat. Did he do his own laundry? She didn't even know.

"Castle."

"Please."

She huffed a laugh and stepped back, needing space to speak. "I don't want to not see you all weekend either. I'd better see you all weekend." She waited until that had sunk in, let him revel in it a moment. "You better come with me on Monday, keep me from running away. You better hand-deliver me to that review board. You better stay with me, Castle."

She saw him swallow hard. "Always."

Kate smiled back and went in for the kill, hating herself a little. "I'm going to lose my job, Castle."

"No." Insistent. With heat.

"I think so," she answered, furrowing her brow to keep tears from collecting. Her head throbbed holding it in. "It's going to be. . .I'm not going to be so good. I'm going to be a pretty awful person, I think, Castle. Not nice at all." She was trying to keep it light, because she knew it sounded like a death knell for them but it wasn't. She knew how much her heart could take, knew how much this could stand up under, and she wasn't worried that she'd change her mind. "I'm not going to *want* to be good."

"No. Kate-" He could see it in her face.

"I'm going to need to be alone, Castle. I'm sorry. I know it's not fair to you-"

"Please, Kate."

She sucked in a shaky breath. "It's not a no. It's not even a maybe. It's a yes, it's going to always be a yes, but-"

"I don't want a 'but' Kate Beckett. I want you." She could feel each one of his fingers around her upper arms.

"I know," she whispered and stepped back again, breaking his hold. "I know that. But it's all I've got right now. I'm going to lose all that I am on Monday and I don't know what happens to Detective Beckett without the Detective."

"We can find it together," he said, still insistent, fierce, his eyes like flint.

"We could, but I'd never know what it meant on my own." She shook her head, knowing she wasn't explaining it right. "They've yanked the rug out from under me, Castle. I've got to figure out how to stand on my own two feet before I let you do it to me too."

"I don't want to do that. I'm not going to do that. Let me catch you, Kate."

"That's not me, then, is it? Caught? I don't know who that would be, but it wouldn't be me." She felt her hands shaking and pressed them against her thighs. She cut her eyes to the bathroom door to keep from seeing his face. He was going to torture her with those puppy eyes. "Please let me have this, Castle."

He was silent for so long she wondered if she'd finally broken them. She bit the inside of her cheek until she was sure she could control herself, then looked at him again. His head was down; his hands gripped the edge of the counter so hard his fingers were white.

She wanted to touch him but was afraid he wouldn't survive it.

He finally took in a long, uneven breath and looked up at her. She didn't look away; she owed him that much. "You said you wanted to see me this weekend."

"Yes," she whispered, unable to keep the joy out of her voice, finally feeling some small amount of hope flare in her chest. "Please. I need that. . .you."

"I don't understand."

Her heart flipped. "Please let me be with you this weekend." She didn't know how to be more honest. She wasn't trying to play games; she was trying to make it all clear. She was trying to save him from the hurt she knew she'd inflict on him after Monday's inevitable outcome. She was going to rage; she was going to weep; she was going to be a bitch; she was going to be unmade. She couldn't help it. She was going to need to be alone to lick her wounds and reassemble her soul from whatever remained. She didn't know how to be anything but an NYPD officer. The one thing she *did* know? She wasn't going to stop feeling this way about him.

"I don't understand, Kate."

"You've already got me," she said, frowning at him to keep from breaking up. "There's nothing left to do. Nothing but this. Please."

He met her eyes, and she saw the wound she'd inflicted. She prayed it wasn't a mortal wound.

"All right," he said finally. "Then you've got me too." A pause as he took another ragged breath. "Always."

end.

read the conclusion to this series in the third installment: Try Again.

hopefully, posted tomorrow. thank you for all your amazing encouragement.