TITLE: Youko and the Clams

AUTHOR: Tiffany Park

CATEGORY: Humor, Supernatural

SPOILERS: None

RATING: G

CONTENT WARNINGS: None

SUMMARY: Youko has some difficulties with supernatural seafood. Kantarou and Haruka don't help.

STATUS: Complete

ARCHIVE: Please ask first

DISCLAIMER: Tactics and its characters belong to Sakura Kinoshita, Kazuko Higashiyama, TOKYOPOP, MAG Garden Corporation, and probably a whole bunch of other people and companies I know nothing about. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic was based more on the characterizations and speech patterns in the English dub of the anime, rather than the manga.

This story was written back in February before the tsunami in Japan. My beta reader and I did some soul-searching about whether I should submit it or not due to its mild ocean-related theme, but both of us finally agreed that we were probably just being oversensitive. I hope the readers agree with us.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: This fic actually got third place at the 2011 Sakura-Con fanfiction contest in Seattle. That was awesome, but it was also quite shocking, since humor rarely does well in contests that aren't broken down into categories. (My friend told me that the look on my face at the announcement was a real Kodak moment. Not surprising...) Anyhow, yay! And thanks so much to the judges!

Youko and the Clams

"Kantaroooouuuuu!" Youko wailed.

Kantarou hunched down over his desk and pretended not to hear. He couldn't imagine what the kitsune was so upset about this time. He hadn't done anything wrong. In fact, Youko had been very pleased with him for a change. He'd been paid twice in one week: once for a folklore article he'd written, and then for an exorcism job successfully completed. He'd handed Youko the money just this very morning, and in her exhilaration she'd promised an extra nice dinner.

"Heeelp! Kaaaantarooou!" she cried again, this time following up with some rather unladylike language, and then, "Get back here! I said get back here!"

With a sigh, Kantarou got up and went to see what had Youko on such a tear. He stepped out of his study and was nearly bowled over by a herd of clams running past on tiny little legs.

"Wha—?" he gasped, and then Youko came rampaging through, waving a kitchen knife like a madwoman. She was so intent on the fleeing clams that she didn't notice Kantarou until she barreled into him. They both went down in an ungainly tangle of limbs.

"Youko!" Kantarou exclaimed as he landed on his rump. "Ow."

Youko sprawled on top of him. Luckily, the knife had landed a few feet away. "Oh, Kantarou, I'm so sorry."

He gave the knife a nervous glance. "You shouldn't run through the house with that thing. What's going on?"

Before she could answer, a sleep-fogged voice said, "Can you keep it down?" Haruka, disheveled in a yukata, joined the chaos. The tengu rubbed his hair and blinked groggily. "I'm trying to sleep."

"You sleep too much!" Youko said accusingly. "It's almost dinnertime!"

"Youko," Kantarou said, "get off me."

"Oh! Sorry." She practically levitated to her feet. Kantarou struggled to his knees.

At that moment, the herd of ambulatory clams thundered by again. A few detoured around Haruka's legs, but most ran straight at him. The galloping mob of shells crashed into his shins and kept right on going. He gave a shout as he lost his balance and toppled over. Fortunately for him, Kantarou broke his fall.

"Ow!" Kantarou yelled as he was again knocked flat on the floor. "Ow, ow, ow! What is it with everyone today?"

"You're clumsy," Haruka told him.

"You're the one who fell on me!"

With a war whoop, Youko grabbed her knife and took off after the clams.

"Huh," said Haruka, staring after her.

"Haruuukkaaaa!" Kantarou whined.

"Oh, sorry." Haruka climbed off him and went after Youko.

"This started out as such a good day," Kantarou complained as he finally got back on his feet. He staggered to the kitchen and found pure pandemonium.

A war of illusions was raging. One moment the kitchen looked like an undersea palace of pearl, coral, and elegant drifting seaweed, the next it looked like the kitchen, then the next it looked like Inari Shrine, then a tide pool, then a bamboo forest, then the kitchen, then a sea ledge, then a mountain glade...

"Will you all stop this nonsense and tell me what's going on?" Kantarou yelled. The room became a kitchen again, with an angry kitsune facing off against a crowd of two-legged clams.

"It's their fault!" Youko pointed at the clams.

At the same time, the clams chorused, "It's her fault!"

Haruka leaned against a wall and looked bored.

"Oh," said Kantarou. "I see. This is interesting."

"Interesting!" Youko howled. "You call this interesting? It's a disaster! I was going to make clam hot pot for dinner tonight, but look what the fishmonger sold me! I can't stand it!"

"They're shen," Kantarou said. "Youkai clams."

"Youkai clams? That's about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of," scoffed Haruka.

"They're clams that can change shape and create illusions," Kantarou explained. "Sometimes the really powerful ones can even become sea dragons. I've only heard of giant clams being shen, though."

"I don't care!" Youko screeched, waving her arms impotently.

"Youko, don't cast any more fox magic illusions. You can't beat the clams that way."

"But I want clam hot pot for dinner!"

"Well, you can't eat these. We can go get some different clams," Kantarou said soothingly.

"These were the last ones left in the market!"

"I can see why," Haruka said drolly.

"They looked normal when I bought them!" Youko clasped her hands and pleaded, "Kantarou, can't you do something?"

"Murderer!" one of the clams accused in a shockingly deep baritone. "Foul, monstrous cannibal!"

"I thought it was only cannibalism if you ate your own species," Haruka said. "I used to eat oni all the time and no one ever accused me of cannibalism."

The clams all shrieked hysterically.

"You're not helping, Haruka," Kantarou said with exasperation.

"She's going to boil us alive!" another clam cried. "She's an evil torturer!"

"She's hungry!" Youko shouted back. "Kantarou, I paid a lot of money for these clams! Exorcise them or something!"

"Youko, calm down. You're so mad you've gotten obsessed," Kantarou said. He bent over and addressed the clams, "No one's going to eat you here. I promise."

"Kantarou!" Youko wailed again.

Haruka folded his arms across his chest and said, "I don't see what the big deal is. They're only clams."

Suddenly, a great rush of seawater deluged the kitchen. Foaming surf battered the occupants, throwing them off balance and making them sputter. Kantarou managed a quick chant to dispel the illusion, just in time to see the entire herd of clams thundering straight at him.

"Oh, no!" he exclaimed, as the clams ran right over the top of him, knocking him flat on his back. Just about every single one of the mollusks trampled across his chest and face. "Ow," he moaned pathetically.

Full of momentum, the herd of clams battered down the door and escaped into the street.

"There goes our dinner!" Youko cried. She cast herself to her knees and beat her fists against the floorboards. "Nonononono! Stupid Kantarou! You let the clams get away!"

"Somehow I knew this would be my fault." Kantarou was still lying on the kitchen floor. It didn't seem worth the effort to get up; he figured he'd just get knocked over again. "Ow."

Haruka observed unsympathetically, "You've got little tiny footprints on your face."

*** end ***

February, 2011