River angst, everyone love a little angst in their lives *grins*. I'm not too happy with this though, I think it could have been better.

Disclaimer- *rolls eyes*

Warnings- Not been beta

The day's coming when I'll look into that man's eyes, my Doctor, and he won't have the faintest idea who I am. And I think it's going to kill me.

If you ask anyone who was in the library that fateful day, they would say the River had a very quick and painless death but ask River yourself and she will tell you it was slowly killing her from the inside. It's not possible to really die from a broken heart but River did.

She saw it coming but even the best prepared moments can falter. She is prepared for this moment, build her defenses up, learning to make a mask but when she sits there and he tells her that he really doesn't know who she is, the mask falls and the defenses crumble and her heart shatters but it still beats.

She puts on a strong face and moves throughout the day, this Doctor doesn't trust her so she does what only she can do and whispers her true name into his ear. Trust is gained but her heart still breaks because before she would have never had to do such a thing.

She thinks back to the night before she left when the towers sang and he cried. The sonic screwdriver she holds tightly in her hand is going to save her life but she doesn't know it yet but she knows where this day is heading.

They were always heading in the wrong direction ever since they had meet, she was going forwards and he was going backwards. Her first meeting of the Doctor would be the last time he saw her and his first meeting would be the last time she saw him.

She was a girl of sixteen when that impossible man fell out of the sky and landed in front of her. Calling himself the Doctor and speaking of spoilers. Young, impressionable, and a bit insecure but this man knew everything about her and still laughed with her as they sat on a hill and talked. For hours that conversation went on and she figured out the reason why long before this day.

He knew she was going to die. He also knew how and why but he stayed with her so long that summer night because it was the end for him and the start for her. No more calls or messages, no more hearing "hello sweetie" or slaps across the face when he does something stupid, he couldn't go back when his hearts ached for her or when he missed the sound of her voice. This was the last moment and he was draining it for all he could.

Even when she fell asleep under the blanket of the stars he stayed but when she awoke in the morning all that remained of this wonderful man's presence was an empty diary in the shape of a police box and a letter. She ripped open the letter and read it, hoping to get an idea of who this 'Doctor' was.

Dear River,

You're going to need this and you won't know why until the time comes. Everything comes full circle, you'll understand that too one day. Sometimes an ending is also a beginning. Keep that in mind.

Doctor

p.s. I wouldn't change one second of it

The letter gave her no information what so ever but now she understands what the letter, sitting in the front page of her TARDIS shaped diary, means.

At her beginning he had to let her go and at his beginning she has to let him go. An ending is a beginning.

She told Rory the Roman not so long ago that the day was coming when the Doctor wouldn't recognize her and it would kill her. She wishes now that she had the courage to tell that to the Doctor because he already knew. He is young and different from the Doctor she knew, so all this time he knew.

She knows the laws of time to understand why they were brought together. One slip up or missed meeting could create a paradox. He could ignore her and pretend that he never saw her die with her mind filled with a lifetime of memories with him and maybe she wouldn't be at the library that day. She knows, however, that she doesn't want one moment of their time together changed. She could have chucked that TARDIS shape book and letter in the trash and ignore that impossible man but she couldn't because even though he didn't say it, he didn't want one moment changed either.

Too much was at stake and too much was in danger if they ignored the preplanned map that was laid out in front of them before either of them knew it.

She wonders if this is how he felt when she met him for the first time. Knowing the person you have held closets to you for the longest time has no idea who you are.

She understands their first meeting a little better now. Seeing how he tried to smile but sadness swimming in his eyes; talking about things that she had never heard of but can now recite them off the top of her head. How he made jokes that she didn't understand but laughed politely anyway and now she laughs every time she thinks of the. Jim the Fish being one of them, she grins to herself.

She knocks him out, that insufferable time-lord never changes. She was right, he had no idea who she was and it killed her. Twenty minutes until point zero, she works the wires while her mind moves through different moments of the past, memories of this man with a different face. It almost feels like it was a lifetime ago.

He going to assume that when the timer hit zero will be her death but this whole day has been killing her. Can a heart still beat once it's shattered beyond repair? Hers can't, not for much longer. She turns her gaze over to him as he slips back into the world of the living.

"Aw no no no no oh come on, what are you doing that's my job"

"What I'm not allowed a career I suppose?" she joked back, trying to kept the mood light.

"Why am I handcuffed, why do you even have handcuffs?" he asked pulling on the slightly

"Spoilers" she replied with a grin

"This isn't a joke! stop this now. It's going to kill you. I have a chance! You don't have any!"

"You would have a chance and neither do I!" she tries to stop her voice from cracking "I'm timing it for the end of the countdown, there will be a blip in the command flow, that way it should increase our chances of a clean download" her voice becoming heavy with emotion.

"River please!"

"Funny thing is, this means you've always known how I was going to die. All the time we've been together, you knew I was coming here. The last time I saw you- the real you, the future you, I mean- you turned up on my doorstep with a new haircut and a suit." she smiled softly as she remember it, still tweed and wearing that ridiculous thing he call a bow tie of his "You took me to Verilian to see the singing towers. What a night that was. The towers sang and you cried. You wouldn't tell me why, but I suppose you knew it was time. My time. Time to come to the Library. You even gave me your screwdriver. That should have been a clue. There's nothing you can do."

"I can do this" he begged her"

"If you die here it means I'll never met you" she pointed out, her emotions trying to get the best of her

"Time can be rewritten" he pointed out

"Not those times. Not one line. Don't you dare! It's OK. It's OK. It's not over for you. You'll see me again. You've got all of that to come. You and me, time and space. You watch us run." She smiled letting the memories wash over her in her mind

"River, you know my name. You whispered my name in my ear. There's only one reason I would ever tell anyone my name. There's only one time I could…"

"Shhh now…Spoilers" she cut him off before the countdown reached zero and she put the cables together ending her life.

If you ask People who were that that fateful day that river died, they would say that she has a quick and painless death however ask River yourself she would only look to you with her head hung slightly and sadness swimming in her eyes, she would say it was a long death…

…A long death that begun when she said hello to that mysterious man with a blue box; even if she didn't know it.

The day's coming when I'll look into that man's eyes, my Doctor, and he won't have the faintest idea who I am. And I think it's going to kill me.

And it did.