Chapter 34 – Bearing the Guilt

The Headmaster will speak with you in the morning.

It was the only answer Professor McGonagall would give Sirius, and it was hardly comforting. After enduring the relentless questioning by the Ministry official, McGonagall had escorted him back to her office. He'd thought McGonagall had wanted to speak to him herself until he'd seen the cot set up. That's when he found out he was going to spend the night there; monitored by one of the moving portraits. This had to be a sign he was being expelled. He wasn't even being allowed back in with the regular student body. Were house elves packing up his belongings right now?

McGonagall forestalled all his questions by repeating the statement that the Headmaster would speak to him in the morning. She brushed away his concerns about James. He was allowed to use the bathroom and change into his night clothes. Madam Pomfrey was dispatched to look him over again. She wasn't thrilled by his sleeping arrangements and when she handed him a small cup to drink, he didn't think to refuse. He was drained from the Ministry Official's questions and he thought it might help his pounding headache. The effects of the potion were almost immediate as he was overcome with extreme exhaustion. He tried to fight it understanding that he'd been given a sleeping potion, but Madam Pomfrey was gently pushing him to lie down. The moment his head hit the pillow he was fast asleep.

The next morning Sirius opened his eyes slowly. He was disoriented and his limbs felt heavy. He struggled to sit up, throwing the sheet off him. He immediately gulped down a cup of water that had been left. It soothed his dry, parched throat.

A terrible, heavy feeling of dread washed over him. The dread settled into his stomach making him feel nauseous and sick. He could feel his breathing increase, his heart beat faster. He wouldn't think about it. He focused on his breathing – in and out. His body was rebelling; reacting to the stress even as his mind tried its hardest to not think about yesterday's events.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the woman in the painting that was monitoring him disappear, and he knew McGonagall would be along shortly. He wanted to curl back under the covers, but the idea of McGonagall finding him in that state stopped him.

Memories from his questioning surfaced.

"Do you personally know any Death Eaters?"

The question so casually spoken by Ms. Crawley, the Ministry Official, after he'd insisted, he hadn't recognized any of the Death Eaters.

"Why would I know any Death Eaters?"

"It's a simple question, Mr. Black."

Perhaps it was, but answering truthfully would do nothing. He had no credibility. The Ministry wasn't going to arrest Lucius Malfoy on the word of a runaway delinquent. Without sold proof, his accusation would not be enough to bring down any of the powerful Dark Families that had joined forces with Voldemort. He wasn't protecting Bellatrix, her husband or Lucius Malfoy when he lied. He was protecting himself, and he was protecting James. The Death Eaters he knew hadn't been in that store that day; he was sure of that. If word got to them that he was going around accusing people, it would put his life in danger as well as his friends.

And she didn't stop there. Ms. Crawley tried again later in the questioning to gather intel about his relatives. She may disapprove of Death Eaters, but that didn't mean she was an ally.

"You claim to have been hit with the Cruciatus Curse twice?"

"Yes," Sirius answered tiredly.

"How long were you held under the Curse?"

"I don't know…long enough-"

"Long enough?"

"It wasn't about torturing me as much as getting the others – James and Professor-" Sirius paused, unable to say the name. "The Death Eater wanted them to hear me scream, so they'd come out of hiding to rescue me…and it worked."

"You are holding up remarkably well for someone who has been under the Cruciatus Curse," the witch commented.

Sirius bristled. How as he supposed to react? Refuse to get out of bed? Hide in the corner rocking?

Before he could come up with a response she continued, "Has anyone else used it on you before?"

Sirius crossed his arms. "No. Never."

"Other Dark Magic?"

Sirius almost laughed. Dark Magic had been used on him both at home and at Hogwarts. He wasn't going to lie, so he deflected the question. "What does any of this have to do with what happened today?"

She'd backed away after that, but it still bothered him that she had chosen that direction with her questioning.

Professor McGonagall arrived with a tray of tea and toast floating behind her. She looked concerned by his pale appearance, but he assured he didn't need to see the nurse.

"The Headmaster will be ready to see you in the next hour. You can freshen up in the bathroom after you've eaten."

Sirius grimaced at the plate of food. "I'm not hungry."

"It's there if you change your mind. I'll be back in thirty minutes."

Sirius stood up carefully. The sleeping potion had almost fully worn off and his legs barely wobbled as he walked across the room. He stared out; the rising sun lighting the Quidditch Pitch, casting a beautiful golden hue. A feeling of sadness washed over him. Would this be the last time he'd see this view? He turned around walking across the room to the office door. It was still locked. He had no destination in mind even if McGonagall had forgotten to lock him in. He glanced back at the portrait staring at him coolly as if daring him continue his attempt to escape. What was the point? He'd be caught before he was down the corridor. He sighed deeply sinking back down on the cot.

"Are you certain the Killing Curse was meant for you?"

This had been towards the end of the interview, and his patience growing thinner with each additional question. He's stared at her uncomprehending.

"You were all kneeling quite close together. Shoulder to Shoulder." She made a motion with your hand as she listed the order. "You. Professor Keenan. James Potter. You were in a highly stressful situation. Perhaps Keenan was the target."

"I'm sure-" He paused as the memory flashed before him. He swallowed thickly. "He said - I'll tell your father you faced death bravely... And I felt –" His voice broke. "I was pushed-"

"The Death Eater didn't try a second time? When he saw his curse had missed you?"

"I don't think he cared. He Apparated out almost immediately to avoid the Aurors-"

"Hmmm," she replied jotting several sentences in her notebook.

Caught up in his own thoughts Sirius was surprised to see McGonagall had returned to fetch him. He saw her disproval at the untouched toast and tea, but the thought of consuming food only made his stomach roll. Sirius changed and washed up in the bathroom, and then was led to the Headmasters office.

"The Headmaster is waiting for you. Go on in."

Sirius generally dealt with these situations (being reprehended for misbehavior) with an aloofness. It had always been harder to face Dumbledore than any other member of Hogwarts staff. He was so drained from yesterday; he didn't think he'd be able to keep such a façade up. He wasn't a coward though, so he pushed the door open keeping his head up high, eyes forward. The sooner he'd get this over with the better.

Professor Dumbledore watched his entrance quietly and gestured for Sirius to take a seat. Sirius did his best not to fidget under the scrutiny; waiting for the Headmaster to speak first.

"I feel like we've been here before, Mr. Black," Dumbledore began folding his hands, his tone of voice serious and commanding. The last time he'd been in this office had been after the Whomping Willow Incident. He'd been facing possible expulsion then too.

"I had hoped that our previous discussion had more of an impact, but I see you've continued to make poor decisions." Dumbledore paused adjusting his half-moon glasses. "I'm not only speaking of being out of bounds yesterday. Skipping out of detention. Being caught out of bed by Prefects. Hardly the exemplary behavior I had expected. And that's without bringing up the rule breaking I only know through hearsay – trespassing in the Slytherin dormitory and attacking Mr. Snape on the grounds of Hogwarts with Mr. Potter."

Sirius was only slightly surprised to hear that Dumbledore knew about all these transgressions. He had always suspected the movement of the student body was monitored more closely than it appeared. However, it never went past monitoring. They were only punished when caught or when the action was directly reported by a student, prefect, or member of the staff. It didn't always benefit them; the other Houses, including the Slytherins, also evaded punishment under this policy.

"Detention. Loss of privileges. Probation. None of that has altered your behavior. Perhaps the only way to stop this is to remove you from Hogwarts."

Sirius swallowed hard and looked away. This was going exactly as he expected, but even if Dumbledore knew about the Slytherin dormitory and attacking Snape, at least he didn't know their most serious rule-breaking…well law breaking. He'd take being expelled over a stint in Azkaban any day. If Dumbledore was aware of three unregistered Animagi, he would have certainly brought it up now.

"Things are never simple when they involve you." Dumbledore continued to stare him down. "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

Sirius met Dumbledore's stern gaze. "No."

"You accept expulsion as a fair punishment?"

"I chose to go to Hogsmeade knowing I would be expelled if caught." Saying it out loud like that made his decision sound so ill-advised, but it was too late to backtrack now.

"Professor McGonagall tells me you received letters from your family yesterday…shortly before your excursion. She said you left her office distressed."

Sirius was taken aback. It was as if Dumbledore was feeding him a reason for his behavior. He didn't want help. He didn't want Dumbledore or McGonagall to feel sorry for him.

"I wasn't-"

"Don't be stupid, boy."

Sirius recognized the voice immediately. It was coming from the portrait of his great-great-grandfather. Sirius tensed, but he did not acknowledge him. Interacting with Phineas would only encourage him.

"This is your chance. Tell the Headmaster all about your awful family. Tell him how you feel alone and misunderstood. Dumbledore's all about second chances, third ones even. Dumbledore's desperate to get a Black on the light side…to fight for him. Use it to your advantage!"

"Thank you for your opinion, Phineas. I'd like Sirius to answer the question."

"I wasn't upset." Phineas made a disapproving noise in the background. "Why would I be? I was given permission to stay with James all summer."

"Feelings towards one's family are rarely black and white."

"Even if I was – slightly upset…it's not something new! I've dealt with it before."

"Poorly though."

Sirius faltered. "What?"

"You've dealt with these feelings poorly. Several members of the staff have noticed a correlation between your acting out and the struggles with your family."

Sirius felt his face flush. He hadn't been expecting to hear that. It was disconcerting to think the other Professors sat around the Teacher's Lounge discussing his family drama.

"Yes, Sirius, I've heard them all talking about you over the years. At first it was: A Black in Gryffindor! How exciting! How refreshing! Then you started racking up those detentions along with Potter, and it made them wonder if you weren't that different than your cousins. Arrogant. Disruptive in class. A bully. Some of them thought they would be the one to finally get through to you. They saw your potential." Phineas laughed. "It's safe to say they all failed spectacularly."

"Phineas."

"Yes, yes…I'll be quiet now."

Dumbledore turned back to Sirius. "The point is that if you acknowledge that these feelings you are having are leading you to make bad decisions, it might be the first step to changing the pattern."

"Isn't it too late?"

"It's never too late to change the course of your destiny, Mr. Black. It is never too late to right your wrongs."

"It's too late for one person," Sirius said quietly, a wave of guilt hitting him in the gut. He didn't have to say out loud who he was referring to.

"Our actions have consequences…even those that are unintended. You were saved from fully learning that lesson when Mr. Potter saved Mr. Snape last year. That lesson has now been reinforced – in a cruel way, perhaps, but one that will likely have more of a lasting effect."

Sirius squeezed the armchairs so hard that his knuckles turned white. He took a deep breath. He wasn't going to fall apart. Not in front of Dumbledore. Not now.

Dumbledore appeared to notice that he was close to breaking for he changed directions. "Whose idea was it to go to Hogsmeade?"

"Mine," Sirius lied. He didn't think James was facing expulsion. Sneaking out was a major rule to break, but it was not usually expulsion worthy. His case was different because he was on probation. Still it was better to take all the blame to be on the safe side.

"James Potter was rather insistent yesterday that it was his idea to go to Hogsmeade."

Sirius sighed. "He's worried I'll be expelled. He's only trying to help me."

"So, Mr. Potter was lying?"

"Why does it matter? We both went along with it. We both agreed to go."

"Mr. Potter said he talked you into it."

"I agreed to go."

"I see," Dumbledore stated. "If that is all you have to say on the matter…"

"Can I at least explain to Remus and Peter? Can I say goodbye to James?"

There were several seconds of silence before Dumbledore spoke again. "It would be a poor way to honor Professor Keenan's sacrifice by expelling the students he gave his life to save."

Somehow hearing Dumbledore say those words struck Sirius harder than if he'd announced his official expulsion. Because Keenan had saved him twice now – his life and now his future. He barely felt he deserved the first sacrifice; let alone being given another chance at Hogwarts.

The Headmaster must have sensed the distress rising in him because he summoned a glass of water. Sirius took it gratefully, the cool water on his tongue helping ground him.

"I'm aware this is difficult. It's supposed to be, Mr. Black. There will still be punishment, which we will get to discussing. In my teaching career I have never been a strong defender of expulsion for student's misdeeds or mistakes. Proper magical education is critical for success in life. This was one of the first times I have seriously considered it a proper course of action. Professor Keenan's sacrifice was not only about saving your life, but giving you a future. As Headmaster it has always been my duty to ensure it is not cut short."

Sirius looked away; he did not know how to react.

"Let's take a short break. I'll send a message to Professor McGonagall to bring Mr. Potter in. I think its best the rest of the conversation is done with both of you present."

Dumbledore stepped out of his office towards his private quarters leaving Sirius alone. Sirius stared as the cup of water refilled on its own. He felt relieved and guilty and shaky. His gaze wandered around the office without really focusing on anything. He groaned in realization that he was now alone with Phineas, who was giving him a most distasteful look.

"Nothing to say?" Sirius demanded.

"Cuiusvis hominis est errare; nullius nisi insipientis in errore perseverare." Phineaus paused, tilting his head in a challenging manner. "Don't tell me you've forgotten your lessons in Latin already?"

"Any man can make a mistake; only a fool keeps making the same one," Sirius translated evenly, before shrugged nonchalantly. "Good one."

"Yes, what do I know? I'm just a grumpy old man who became Headmaster of Hogwarts."

"Most unpopular Headmaster."

Phineas chuckled. "Who told you that?"

Sirius didn't answer. He was tired of the conversation. He didn't want to be lectured by his great-great -grandfather…even if he did have a point…even though the advice was sound. Sirius had learned from some of his mistakes, but he also continued to let his recklessness lead him into more.

He also wondered about his conversation with Dumbledore. Sirius knew none of his answers had helped Dumbledore make his decision. He hadn't been trying to get Dumbledore to change his mind about expulsion. Before speaking to him, Dumbledore had already decided he would be allowed to remain in school. If the questions weren't about determining his guilt, then what were they about? What did Dumbledore want from him?

About ten minutes later, Professor Dumbledore remerged at the exact time there was a knock on the door. McGonagall entered with James in tow. Seeing James again was like being hit with a Cheering Charm, but the relief was short lived. Madam Pomfrey had healed his swollen lip, but the raised bruise on his cheek was a dark shade of purples and blues. The bruise looked like it hurt. Those weren't the only injuries James had sustained, but the others were hidden underneath his robes.

James was alive, Sirius reminded himself. But seeing the bruises was a physical reminder of how close they'd been to death.

As James took a seat beside him, in low voice Sirius relayed, "I'm not being expelled."

He wanted to get that out of the way. He didn't trust that Dumbledore would lead the conversation with that information.

Professor McGonagall narrowed her eyes in warning, but Dumbledore was not troubled by his statement. "Yes, Mr. Black is being allowed to continue his education. We have a lot to discuss, so let's get to it. The rest of the school is being informed this morning that Professor Keenan lost his life. The Daily Prophet will likely have already written about it for this morning's issue. The Ministry has agreed to keep your names away from the press. In fact, the Ministry has agreed to leave out any indication that students were present during the incident."

James frowned, clearing his throat. "But how do they think he died, sir?"

"It will be known Professor Keenan was murdered by a Death Eater."

"Are we not allowed to tell anyone what really happened?"

"I will certainly not forbid you from telling anyone. And I think it is safe for you to tell Mr. Lupin and Mr. Pettigrew the truth."

"I was supposed to be the one – he pushed me out of the way-" Sirius burst out. "There's a difference between being murdered and –"

"Mr. Black, this is not being done to dishonor Professor Keenan's sacrifice. He died a hero. The Aurors have agreed that it would be dangerous, given the current atmosphere, to bring the spotlight back onto you. Professor Keenan's memory will still be honored. He meant a great deal to many of the students, and we will have a Memorial Service at Hogwarts."

Didn't want to bring the spotlight back on him? Because he was a Black? Because he was a pureblood? Or was it to prevent parents from panicking? Young blood traitors so far had been relatively safe from Voldemort's wrath. While the Death Eater had acknowledged his choice to kill him had nothing to do with the pureblood cause; that detail was likely to be lost as the story was picked up. It would look to the public that he'd been targeted for being a blood traitor.

"The Memorial Service is set for tomorrow afternoon, Albus."

"As long as Madam Pomfrey feels you are physically up to it, I expect both you to attend the Memorial Service. It will help with the grief process." Dumbledore watched their reaction carefully before continuing. "Before we get to your punishment, I need your full disclosure on the next question. Besides the tunnel you used to leave the castle yesterday, how many other tunnels are you aware of?"

Sirius exchanged a quick look with James. They, of course, knew of several. Their silence ended up speaking for itself.

"I think I can infer that you know of most, if not all the tunnels?" Professor Dumbledore asked, his gaze piercing through them.

James looked like he was ready to admit that was the truth when McGonagall interjected with a shake of her head, "I'll never understand the Founders decision to add so many tunnels! It's as if they wanted to encourage rule breaking! I suppose you found these tunnels when you were galivanting around the castle after curfew?" McGonagall paused to take a breath rather than to allow them to answer her rhetorical inquiry. "If you have the time to go exploring in addition to all the other trouble you've been getting into then I certainly need to speak to the staff about increasing your workloads."

Dumbledore nodded, his tone graver. "It appears your nighttime wandering has been more extensive than any of the staff was aware. This will stop. All the tunnels leading out of the castle will be carefully monitored, and I will be directly informed if either of you are found to be using them. Is that understood?"

"Yes, sir," James and Sirius replied.

Sirius couldn't help wondering why the tunnels weren't already monitored. Surely, they weren't the only students in the history of Hogwarts to find them. Discovering secret tunnels technically wasn't against school rules…though using the tunnels to break other school rules certainly would be.

"Next, the Ministry would like me to remind you that if you remember any detail about yesterday to let me or Professor McGonagall know immediately." He handed them each a white card with gold lettering. "If a memory returns during the summer, their direct contact information is on those cards."

James's eyes widened with a sudden realization. "Is Sirius still allowed to stay with me over the summer?"

Sirius had been so convinced he would be expelled that his concern for his summer residence was trumped by where he'd live permanently. The Potters were very generous, but he didn't expect this included housing an expelled best friend. Sirius also remembered that last time his punishment had consisted of being forced back to his parents. Dumbledore wouldn't do that again, would he?

"Yes, nothing has changed unless the Blacks decide to revoke their permission."

"You've already told me parents, haven't you?" Sirius asked, fear gathering in his stomach.

"I had no choice, Mr. Black. It was better to be truthful. They have enough connections in the Ministry that they would learn of the events."

"What – what did they say?"

"No message has been received back."

Sirius should have been relieved; it meant he was safe for the summer. Deep down, he wasn't. He might have hated his family. He might joke that his parents didn't care if he lived or died, but it didn't stop the involuntary pang in his chest.

"Onto your punishment: The House Cup Competition has been canceled, so removal of points will be unnecessary. Both of you are banned from Hogsmeade next year, and you will be kept under supervision on those days as your Head of House sees fit."

Dumbledore nodded for McGonagall to take over, but there was a loud clearing of the throat.

"I wonder, Albus, if you've given my suggestion some thought?" Phineas questioned. He usually stayed quiet when there were other students besides Sirius in the room. The fact he was speaking up was not a good sign. "Potter's a bad influence on my great-great-grandson. It would do us all good to separate them permanently. Keep Sirius in Gryffindor, if you must. Place Potter in Hufflepuff, he can bring them glory on the Quidditch pitch they could only dream-"

There was now an iciness to Dumbledore's tone. "Phineas, that is enough. As I've warned you before, your proposals are appreciated, but I am the Headmaster. Minerva, please continue."

McGonagall gave Phineas the same stern look she gave to rulebreakers before speaking. "You will be serving detention when you return next year. Separate detentions on separate days. All day Saturday Detentions for Mr. Black. All Day Sunday Detentions for Mr. Potter."

Well that was new. Separate detentions happened often, but not on separate days. This ensured they would have very little time together on weekends. So, Dumbledore hadn't completely dismissed Phineas' suggestion. It was an attempt to prevent their bad influence on each other by limiting their free time together.

"For how long?" James asked, his gaze moving from Phineas' Portrait back to McGonagall.

"First eight Sundays for you, Mr. Potter. Mr. Black, you will be serving detention for every Saturday of the first semester."

No surprises there; he knew his punishment would be longer than James.

"Mr. Potter, you will also be benched for the first Quidditch game that Gryffindor plays."

"What?" James blurted. "Benched?"

"Yes," McGonagall said, her tone dangerously stern. "I've been more than generous with you. Perhaps if I had benched you sooner, this poor behavior would have been curtailed. If you disagree with the way I am handling the team, then feel free to hand in your jersey. That is, of course, if the new Captain feels it is in the team's best interest to keep you on. He or she will be informed of your benchment before tryouts."

Sirius felt a stab of guilt. If Sirius had been part of a school team or club, he'd probably be banned from it for the year. Since he wasn't, only James could be punished in this manner. Sirius also knew James had hoped to be picked as Captain next year. He was likely out of the running after this. At least McGonagall hadn't benched James from practice while he was serving detention. It would make it difficult for the new Captain to keep James on (even with his talent).

"Mr. Black, you are banned from attending Quidditch Matches for first half of the year. Since you are already serving detention on those days no further restriction will be imposed."

Sirius nodded. He was remembering the last Quidditch Game. She was probably regretting her decision to allow him to watch the Quidditch Final. Professor Keenan had been there too…

"I will also personally sit down with each of you once your OWL results have arrived. Your schedule will be arranged to keep you busy and engaged in your studies. Too much free time appears to have led you into trouble. If there are not enough NEWT classes that you qualify for, private studies or tutoring will be scheduled."

"Thank you, Minerva. Now because of the circumstances I find myself in the difficult position of imparting on you the importance of understanding that your choices have consequences while not putting the responsibility of Keenan's death on your shoulders. Guilt is a terrible thing to bear. The Death Eater was the one to make the choice of casting the Killing Curse. Professor Keenan catching you out of bounds brought him into the situation, but it goes no further than that. I need you to both understand that."

Sirius thought the Headmaster was asking something impossible. How could he not feel guilty? He'd been the intended target. As strange as it sounded the Death Eater had decided to spare the Muggleborn.

"And while the staff and I are saddened by Professor Keenan's death, we are all thankful that both of you survived. There's only a week left, but getting everyone back on schedule will help. Classes will still be cancelled tomorrow for the Memorial Service, but it will resume after that. I also require to know about your whereabouts for the rest of term. That means if you skip class or a meal or study hall, Professor McGonagall or I will need to be informed. Any questions?"

"No, sir."

Professor Dumbledore opened the top drawer on his desk retrieving their wands. He placed them carefully on his desk. "I am handing back your wands with the hope you use them more responsibly. I will not ask you if the rumors of your bullying certain students are true. However, it will stop and I do not want to hear even a hint of such abhorrent behavior again."

James leaned forward to grab his wand. He threw Sirius a confused look when Sirius declined to take his.

Sirius crossed his arms. "I'm not going to stop defending myself."

"I am not asking you to, Mr. Black. You are intelligent enough to know the difference between defending and instigating."

"Sometimes attacking first can prevent you from having a need to defend yourself later on," Sirius countered.

"Such actions usually only serve to propagate a cycle of revenge and violence." Dumbledore picked Sirius's wand and held it out to him. "I do not require your agreement in exchange for your wand. I only hope to encourage a change in your behavior."

Sirius had no choice, but to accept his wand. He needed it for his own safety. He expected to feel instantly better with it back in his possession, but he still felt incomplete.

The headmaster dismissed them and McGonagall escorted them to the Hospital Wing to be looked over. Madam Pomfrey would decide if they needed another evening under her care. Sirius walked silently beside James. It was as if he was back at the shop in Hogsmeade. He still didn't know what to say to his best friend.

Outside of the infirmary Remus and Peter were waiting for them. Before McGonagall could intervene, Remus embraced Sirius tightly.

"Don't scare us like that again," Remus muttered, his voice rough and raw. Peter followed; while his hug was brief, there was the same sorrow in his expression.

It was that show of camaraderie and friendship that almost caused Sirius to break down. His throat felt thick and his friends were watching him closely. Sirius looked away, so he wouldn't have to face their concern. The door to the Hospital Wing opened, and Mr. and Mrs. Potter immediately surrounded James.

Sirius stepped back so the Potters could comfort their only son. He didn't want to intrude. Remus gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder, and Peter offered a half smile.

Sirius did not expect a moment later for Mrs. Potter to leave her son to comfort him. When Mrs. Potter embraced him affectionately, his first instinct was to freeze.

"Thank Merlin, you are both all right." Mrs. Potter continued to repeat this phrase several times as she patted his back in a circular manner. Sirius slowly relaxed. He leaned into her warmth and motherly affection. And that's when he broke. Once it started, he could not stop the flood of emotion. He was suddenly sobbing uncontrollably into Mrs. Potter's shoulder.

Mrs. Potter kept her arms firmly around him until his sobs subsided. She then led him into the Hospital Wing, and into one of the beds. He was so emotionally exhausted that there was no room for embarrassment. The curtains were drawn around him for privacy, and he closed his eyes feeling slightly less burdened. It was a start.

Author's note: Thanks for reading and please leave your thoughts in the review box. It was another tricky chapter to write (and another long wait between updates). Sirius and James are only beginning to process the trauma they've experienced, so we'll see more of that. Story is close to over. Two chapters left (I think). I have rough outlines, so might be drawn out a bit more than two chapters depending on how it goes.