Title: Stumbles, Barges and Retreats.

Author: Ditzgirl123

Rating: Pg-13 ish. Alludes to sex, but no actually naughty bits are shown.

Spoilers: Almost none. Pretty much exists in a AU where Elena has vamps coming to find her, but there really isn't a reason why. Could take place after 1x20.

Summery: Eight times Damon walks into Stefan's bedroom, uninvited. Or, how Damon starts to worm his way into Stefan and Elena's relationship without them noticing….

A/N: I'm all for this OT3 and I can't help but think this is how Damon gets everyone used to the idea. He's so sneaky you won't realize you're dating him until after the fact. Pretty much just 2200 words of Damon working his way into Stefan's bedroom, literally.

The first time Damon stumbles into their room, he's drunk and they're both naked. He gets books thrown at him, screamed at, and threatened within an inch of his life. There was a question he just had to ask Stefan, one that had been utterly all consuming in his drunken frame of mind. But the question is forgotten as he glimpses Elena's bare back before she draws the sheets over her head.

He leaves the room when Stefan threatens to lock him in the vervain cellar again. He's not afraid that Stefan will actually be able to follow through with the threat-but he knows when he's not wanted. And he'll make sure one day that they want him there.

The second time he barges in, he brings a gift. They look confused at the box in his hand and ask why he wants to do a puzzle at 3am. His reply of boredom is apparently not good enough for them and the screaming begins again. He retreats.

The third time he barges in is exactly 4 minutes after they've finished having sex. He doesn't blame Elena, but Stefan certainly knew that he was downstairs and within hearing range. They're cuddling safely under the blankets this time and at their shocked glares he feigns a sigh of relief. "Whew! It got all quiet up here, I was worried for a moment that Stefan went all chompy-and well-you know" He snaps his teeth and trails off.

He sees Stefan's face turning an alarming shad of red and starts counting silently. He makes it to the number 14 before the entire nightstand is thrown his way. He once again retreats, making sure to mutter loudly how he was just trying to be helpful.

The fourth time he barges in...Well, he doesn't. There's something wrong with the door and it doesn't open. It takes a moment for him to realize it's locked. With a swift twist he breaks the lock and opens the door to find them the two of them innocently doing homework on the bed.

He stands in the doorway and in his best 'legal guardian' voice says, "There will be no locked doors in my house, young man." He completes his statement with a stern look and a pointed finger, before walking back out.

He's not even to the stairs when he hears Elena's whispered "Told you that wasn't going to work."

"No," Stefan replies. "But maybe he'll take the hint."

The fifth time he barges in, it's an hour after they get home from dealing with yet another vamp, who found out about the doppelganger. There seems to be a bounty on Elena's head, and this is the third time in as many weeks that she's been kidnapped. He brings with him a half gallon of rocky road and three spoons. Elena's changed out of her bloody clothes into one of Stefan's button ups and is sitting in the middle of the bed. Stefan's beside her with his serious face on. Just what Damon figured, he can't even cheer their own girlfriend up.

"What are you doing?" Elena asks, eyes him suspiciously when he hops on the bed with them, acting for all the world like he belongs there. He hands her a spoon, flings one at Stefan's forehead and settles the ice cream between them.

"Well," He drawls while taking the top off the carton and throwing it aimlessly behind him. "You got kidnapped…again. Figured you could use some ice cream." He dips his spoon in and then waves it in front of Elena's face. "Thought we could start a tradition." He offers.

"So...every time I get kidnapped, we're going to have ice cream?" She asks, taking her own bite of ice cream, considering the idea.

"Yup." Damon replies cheekily, gesturing for Stefan to dig in and for him to silently understand what he was doing. "Though if this keeps up, you're probably going to end up fat." He points out, just glad the color is back in Elena's cheeks.

"Maybe then everyone would stop throwing me over their shoulders and taking me wherever they damn well please." She mutters with her mouth full. Damon gives them a comfortable 3 minutes of silence.

"You know," He offers, swinging his spoon around. "This would be a better tradition if we ate the ice cream naked." He sees Elena raise a eyebrow at him before Stefan starts yelling. He's promptly kicked out of the bedroom again.

He's two steps away from the closed door when he hears Elena call out, "Make it frozen yogurt and I'm in!" Pleased that he lasted a full five minutes this time and still managed to improve Elena's mood, he considers the day a success.

The sixth time Damon walks into the room, it's under more serious circumstances. Stefan had managed to get himself kidnapped this time and they were waiting for him to pop up on one of Bonnie's locator spells. Elena had gone up to Stefan's room to once again change out of her bloody clothes. From the living room Damon had heard her cry for twenty minutes and then fall asleep. But that was 12 hours ago and he hadn't heard a peep out of her since.

Armed with Chinese food he opens the door and flicks the lights on. He assumes Elena is the lump in the middle of the bed, though not even a strand of her hair is visible. "There's no way you're still sleeping." He announces, jumping onto the bed. She sniffs but doesn't say a words He pokes where he imagines her shoulder should be. "Are you still alive under there?" He asks. She still doesn't speak so he sets the food on the new nightstand and peels the blankets back, one by one until her face is revealed. "Are you really going to sleep all day?"

"I'm not sleeping." She mumbles, keeping her eyes closed. "I'm thinking."

"Sorry princess, no more room for heavy thinkers in this house. We're at our limit already." He pokes her shoulder again.

With a sigh she sits up, leaning against the headboard. "This is all my fault," She confesses. "If the vampires weren't always following me around, they wouldn't of thought to blackmail us with Stefan. They wouldn't even know who he was. And now we don't even know wh-"

"Oh please-" Damon interrupts. "If he wasn't getting kidnapped because of you, it would happen for some other stupid reason. Kid's got bad luck." He shrugs and stops any further argument by shoving the Chinese takeout box at her.

She opens it wearily and begins picking at the chicken with her chopsticks. "Are you just going to feed me every time something goes wrong?" She asks, digging in.

"Well," He offers after she's spent a few minutes eating. "I've learned some things in my 150 years of unlife." He waits until she's swallowed her next bite before continuing. "One of the best things I've picked up, is that there is nothing that can't be fixed by either food or sex." He grins at her shocked expression. "True fact."

"You are unbelievable." She mutters, picking at the last of her food with a red face.

"And you've had Bonnie worried." He counters. "So go take a shower, you've still got blood in your hair, and then we'll drive over there. Maybe we can help speed this process up a bit."

She hands him the empty container and picks at her hair self consciously. "I don't think I'll ever get used to having to wash blood out of my hair." She climbs around him, hops off the bed and makes her way to Stefan's bathroom. Damon takes one look at the miles of leg showing and decides Stefan's small dress shirts are good for something after all. Elena turns at the doorway to look at him. "What?" She asks, taking in his expression.

He doesn't miss the way her heartbeat has picked up, or her guilty flush. Tearing his eyes off her legs, he offers a cheeky "Want me to wash your back?"

"Get out, Damon." She replies with a roll of her eyes. But right before the door closes he catches her smile.

The seventh time Damon barges in, he surprises Stefan who's sitting on his bed alone this time, reading a book. "What do you want Damon?" Stefan asks suspiciously.

"What, I can't stop by for a little chat?" Damon offers, throwing himself at the bed, settling in. He ignores the empty 4 feet of bed and intrudes right into Stefan's personal space.

"Since when have ever chatted?" He raises an eyebrow, putting the book on his lap. "And are you actually sober?"

"We've chatted….I'm sure at some point at least. And yes, completely sober. I'm picking Elena up in a hour. Wouldn't want Liz to pull me over for a DUI and make me all late." He shrugs his shoulders, nudging Stefan in the process.

"And you're picking my girlfriend up why?" Stefan asks, doing well at hiding the suspicion in his voice.

"She wants my help picking out your birthday present. So what are we thinking-handcuffs, case of whip cream, an empty lingerie box that she insists on trying on for you?"

"Why would she-" Damon watches the light click on in Stefan's eyes. "God, is that really all you think about, her naked?"

"Of course not. I'm just curious if she has the same birthmark that Katherine did. You know, about 3 inches below her left hip?" He waits for Stefan to answer or explode, but he just picks up his book instead and continues to read. It's getting harder and harder to ruffle the kid's feathers. Damn.

He pushes himself off the bed and walks towards the door. "So any requests you want me to pass on?" Damon offers one more time. He'd promised Elena that he would dig for ideas.

"A watch would be fine."

"You sure? I know a shop that specializes in period outfits and I gotta say, our girlfriend looks mighty fine in civil war petticoats…" Damon waits for Stefan to get angry and kick him out, but he remains quiet, pretending to be engrossed in his book. "Or should I take her to Fredrick's of Hollywood and help her pick out something scandalous…?" The only reaction is a slight twitch of Stefan's cheek. "Stripper pole lessons at the local gym?" He offers one last time.

"Elena would never get on a stripper pole Damon."

"No, I meant lessons for you. Lexi told me about that one summer in '81 you-"

"Get out Damon."

Pleased he finally struck a nerve, he bows and leaves gracefully.

The eighth time Damon barges in, it's for an actual reason. But apparently he should of knocked because he's interrupted them in the middle of sex this time. Elena's on top (which is more interesting than it should be) with the sheet pooled around her waist, her naked back to him. He looses focus for a moment staring at the rare view of her skin before she pulls the sheet over her shoulders.

"Damon-for the love of god, get out!" She's the one yelling at him this time, and he notices Stefan's lips twitch as he tries not to smile at the reversal of anger.

"Actually I need to-" He starts to defend himself, but doesn't get very far before she cuts him off.

"Damon, don't pretend you came up here to make sure I'm still alive. Stefan's not trying to eat me-"

Damon's eyebrow shoots up and a snaky "Well, you have my condolences on that." pops out before he can think about it. Her face turns even redder and she groans at her choice of words. Stefan has the audacity to laugh before her glare turns to him and he shuts up quickly.

"Damon, out." She says again, though he notices she hasn't moved from her position yet, which means they're still…well, that's interesting. The sight of Damon in their room doesn't even stop them anymore.

He remembers his reason for entering in the first place and holds up her cell phone. "Bonnie called, Jeremy was in a car accident. He's probably going to be fine, but he's at the hospit-" Is all he really manages to get out before she's off of Stefan, wrapping that stupid sheet around her and getting her clothes off the floor.

"Two minutes-" She yells at Stefan and then slams the bathroom door shut.

Stefan nods at the door and sighs. He finds his boxers on the bed and pulls them on before looking at Damon. "You wanna drive?" He asks, rubbing a hair through his hair.

"Yep." Damon answers, pretty smug about the fact they just assume he's tagging along with them to the hospital. "You know, if you want some advice Stefan-I've eaten plenty of wome-"

"Get out, Damon." Stefan cuts him off before he can finish extending his generous offer. He notices that Stefan doesn't even turn red at his comment, in fact it looks like he's trying to hide a smile while he pulls on jeans. Interesting.