Written for a prompt: a clueless Parker walks in on Eliot masturbating and doesn't know what's going on so she acts like everything's normal.

"What the fuck, Parker?" Eliot yelled as she opened the bedroom door and he covered himself with a sheet.

"Your sheet is sticking up in the middle," she pointed out helpfully.

"What are you doing in my - I could have killed you - why are you - Parker, someone better be in trouble!" he growled.

"Probably someone somewhere is. Why?"

"Parker! Get out of my house!"

"I came to see if you have any of those thingies."

"Thingies?"

"Like you brought to my place the other day."

"Thingies? You mean GROCERIES?"

"Yeah."

Eliot seethed, "Get your own groceries!"

"You pick them better. So what are you doing?"

"Parker get out!"

"Why are you breathing hard? Your face is red."

"I'm angry!"

"You were like this when I came in. What are you doing? Working out?"

"Yes."

"Why were you working out in bed with your eyes closed?"

"I was ... imagining I was working out with someone else. Now go away. Go ask your boyfriend to buy you groceries."

"He's not good at groceries. But he says for you to get him some orange soda while you're there."

"He what?"

"Oh, that's right. He says to say please when I ask you. So. You know. Please. Get me some food now. Lots of it. And maybe a refrigerator."

"Parker, get out!"

"Why are you covering up with that sheet?"

"Parker, shut up."

"Are you cold?"

"No."

"Are you sick? Is that why you're cold?" she asked, suddenly looking worried.

"I'm fine. NOW LEAVE before I throw you out!"

Parker narrowed her eyes, discerning something. "Hey. That's a good point. Why haven't you thrown me out?"

"I HAVE!"

"No, usually you just pick me up and carry me out when I do stuff like this," she said, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Well, maybe I don't like how you seem to think it's really funny so then you giggle like a serial killer!"

She didn't seem to think that was a likely explanation. "Eliot, why haven't you thrown me out yet? You're acting really weird. And why are you holding that sheet so tightly?"

"No reason."

Her eyes lit up. "Are you hiding money under that sheet?"

"What? Why would I- why would ANYONE-"

"I sleep in money all the time, Eliot, you don't have to be embar-"

"I DO NOT SLEEP IN MONEY!"

She rolled her eyes and then quickly grabbed the sheet and pulled; Eliot was faster than her at almost everything but somehow, when it came to taking someone's property, nobody moved quicker than Parker.

"PARKER! GET OUT NOW!"

She stared at his exposed dick.

"Impressive," she said.

"PARKER!"

"Just a sec," she said, and pulled out her phone. She dialed as she continued staring, even though Eliot had managed to cover himself up with a pillow.

Hardison's voice answered on speakerphone.

"I saw Eliot's penis," she announced.

"What?" Hardison said.

"He was jerking off I think."

"With you?" Hardison asked.

"I walked in on him in his bedroom. I thought he was just working out with his eyes closed in his bed, but then I saw that he was covering himself with a sheet so I took the sheet and saw his penis."

"Wow. I bet he was not angry at you at all," Hardison said sarcastically.

"Hard to tell with Eliot. Anyway, it's really nice looking."

"It is?" Hardison asked, with, Eliot noted with great incomprehension, curiosity.

"Yeah. It's big just like you thought it would be, but it's also really adorable. And the hair isn't scraggly at all, unlike on his head," she told him.

"Really?" Hardison asked as Eliot, humiliated and enraged, fumed, and tried to stand up while keeping a pillow both in front of him and behind him to go get his jeans.

"It kind of matches his face right now, actually," Parker snorted with laughter, "His face looks totally - what do you call it - engorged."

"Parker- " Hardison asked, "Are you talking to me right now with Eliot still in the room?"

"Hardison! I am going to ki-" Eliot began his threat as he walked toward Parker wearing a pair of loose blue jeans and a scowl.

"Parker!" Hardison yelled, "GET OUT OF THERE NOW!"

She snorted, "Why, what's he going to do, stab me with his big erect penis? Ha."

Eliot grabbed the phone, said, "Hardison, you will PAY for this," and threw the phone on the floor. He seethed, "PARKER. GET OUT."

She looked hurt. "Why are you upset? You know I wasn't laughing at your penis, right? I was laughing at your face."

"Parker!" he yelled just inches from her face.

She tried again: "I was laughing WITH your penis?"

"PARKER!"

"But don't you want to know why we were talking about your penis?"

"GET OUT!"

"But Hardison said if we spend more time with you and start to turn you on, you'll probably have a threesome with us. But you're already turned on. So why do we have to do that other crap?"

"He said- you're trying to - WHAT? JUST NO. That is not how you - Parker, that's not how it works and - you know what- just GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

"Okay. But bring groceries later. Please."

"GET OUT!"

She stared expectantly.

"FINE. I will bring groceries! NOW LEAVE!"

"Don't forget the orange soda," she said happily as she turned to leave. "And condoms," she added right before shutting the door behind her.

Eliot restrained himself from throwing something. He had no intention of giving those idiots groceries. Or anything else. He tried to calm down and get back to the fantasy that was working so well for him.

He started stroking again, trying to clear his head of the crazy that just barged in.

Until he started thinking about watching Parker fuck Hardison.

And then thought about throwing them both at the same time onto his bed.

About naked bodies, limbs everywhere, moaning and giggling and pleading.

He stared down at his dick, angry that it betrayed him by wanting those two idiots.

But then he sighed and grumbled and decided to go with it. After those jackasses ruined his nice jerkoff session, the least they could do was provide fodder for his new one.
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