Pre-chapter notes:

[1] Roughly 8000 words in length. Long for a second half of the two-shot.

[2] 100% Tailmon's POV. This actually got in the way of my writing and challenged me to find ways of accommodating certain events that Tailmon wasn't present to see/hear. It was really difficult and I was incessantly assailed by writer's block during the climax and denouement.

[3] Disclaimer. This fic contains elements that fit a parody. Obviously, there will be references to real life figures here. OR well, mostly one. :P

[4] Comments and feedback are welcome, of course.

Taichi, what do you think of these weekend excursions?

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I agree with you: it's a great way for Hikari to help us spread the good of us digimon to the public, and I also think it'll give Hikari the experience she needs to teach children younger than her.

But…

Don't tell Hikari any of this: I dread our weekly teaching sessions. Why, you ask?

Is that even a question? You were watching it on TV just now! Don't just stare at me like that, Taichi. I'm not kidding. That animé has caused far more trouble than it's worth. Two weeks ago, I ended up on the floor being glomped by a couple of hardcore Tailmon fans—snicker like that one more time and I swear I'm giving your number away next week.

Last week was one of the worst weekends I ever had. Patamon, Chibimon, and I were having a three-way conference on one of those instant message programs on your computers and as far as I can remember we all slept really late. And no, that conference is none of your business, so you can shut your mouth now.

Hikari woke me up four hours later. FOUR HOURS. That was so wrong.

She parted the curtains and let the sunlight enter the bedroom, shining its rays on me until I couldn't ignore it anymore. "Do we have to?" I recall begging her. After my firsthand experience of being sent to the floor by rabid people, I wanted my sleep to last a little bit longer.

But no. She shook her head in disapproval, saying it was my fault for staying up too late talking to friends on her computer. "And remember Tailmon," that girl even added, "What we're doing is a service to the community. Don't forget our goal here. We're trying to help other people understand digimon. You remember the vandalism popping up all over the city, right?"

I grumbled. How could I forget it? You remember that picture we saw in Shinagawa, right? A stupid caricature of a cute digimon killing people and that chilling message to destroy them before it's too late. I've never seen Miyako throw a tantrum wilder and more passionate than Daisuke, I swear. Did you know she's planning on starting her own organization next year when she hits 10th grade? Something about school policies on digimon. Looks like hanging around Hikari and Takeru got her going down their path.

Haha! True, well, if she does land herself an entry-level position in government in ten years, then all the better for us, right?

Anyway, anyway, so where were we?

Oh yeah! So I grabbed a bottle of mango-flavored Minute Maid milk for a quick breakfast. (Sorry if that was yours, Taichi. Just ask Hikari to pay you back or something; I'm sure she wouldn't mind.) We went down the building and she took out her bike from the parking slot.

I was offered a ride in front of her, but I had to refuse. "Sorry, Hikari," I bared my sharp teeth, yawning wide. "I need the exercise to wake me up."

And wake me up it did.

If Hikari ever signed up for a bicycle race, Taichi, never, ever bet against her. For someone who isn't into sports and games, she cycles reallyfast. I could barely keep up with her—and that's amazing when she had to deal with waaaaaay more obstacles than I did! You know how the side roads are like on a Saturday morning—intersections, people walking all over, crossing to the main sidewalks from the bus stops, other bicycles, and the occasional car plying the side, drunkards wandering aimlessly in their reverie…

My paws were dripping with sweat when we got to the venue. The whole exercise left me panting. I was too busy licking my fur and cooling myself down to notice Hikari got a bucket of water for me until she plopped it on the school grounds.

…What?

Did you honestly think we hold our "digimon education" sessions in Lotteria like university students meeting up for project meetings?

You're kidding! Are you nuts? We can't. We, just, CAN'T.

Can't you even understand why?

Look, Taichi. Meeting in a place like that… it's too—how should I put this—it's too… ah, here we go, it's too "public".

Our high school's the best location we have at the moment. We got a roof over our heads, the custodians and security personnel appreciate our service, you feel casual working in a familiar place, and best of all, the crazy shit we usually get every week isn't so visible to pedestrians! I mean, people are still wary of digimon because of that Fourth of July thing last year, but—

What's the "crazy shit", you ask? Hold on, Taichi, just let me finish this bottle.

.

.

Aaahhhh….

Hm?

Ooh! Thanks for the second one.

.

.

Wow, this brand's good. Patamon ought to drink beer more often… Chibimon, too. He'll love—oh wait. Never mind. I do not want to know how he's gonna be drunk again. The first time was crazy enough! I still remember what you and Agumon—

Yeah, I know. Something you don't want mentioned around you. Yeah, got it already! For the past few hundred times, already, ugh. Must you always be so red whenever someone talks about the victory party THREE YEARS AGO? I'm not Daisuke, you know. Besides, Taichi, you're talking to Hikari's partner! I'm practically your sister.

Uhhhh, I AM assuming you get past the whole "Tailmon's a big, talking cat" part.

Okay, so there I was, walking with Hikari to our spot by the field, surrounded by trees, grass, and some benches for us to sit on. I shook my body every now and then, trying to get all the water I washed myself with out of my soft fur before we met our "students" for the week. Besides, Takeru was going to join us in a bit and the last thing I wanted was looking dreadful in front of Patamon.

Hikari, in the meantime, was absorbed internalizing her lesson plan for the morning. She's got the basics down pat. First up were the basics of evolution. You know: the two Baby forms, then Child, Adult, Perfect, and Ultimate. We even had Koushirou give us pointers on how to elaborate on the multiple paths a digimon's evolution can take. I remember doing a double-take after he told us the DNA in Agumon could've had him evolve into another Tailmon if he had been raised under completely different conditions.

Haaaaay, yes Taichi, yes. It would be very funny if we could get Agumon to evolve into me and have a good one-on-one with Patamon. I'll pretend I didn't hear that. You're lucky Patamon's not here. He's not above sending an Air Shot at you.

I swear, you are—awwww hell, you are tipsy! How much did you drink already, hmm? I don't think you should be opening another…

…you know what? Never mind. I'll continue my story, but if you do not remember a thing when you wake up tomorrow, it isn't my problem, got it?

Good.

Hikari always told me evolution must come first, because it's what freaks you humans out the most. Seeing that disbelieving glint in your eye, I really wonder if you're actually ready to become a diplomat—ow! You didn't have to smack me like that. I'm just telling it like it is, hmph!

After evolution, we'd go into the more elementary subjects, like why people get digimon, what we're all made of (Koushirou would just love to teach that if his audience was capable of understanding his theories), and most importantly, how the tamers can bond with their partners.

What? Could you run that question by me again?

Yeah, you heard me right. Tamers. It's a term we chose to work with, since it seems so… apt. Even Ken agreed on it. Haven't you noticed, Taichi? Everyone who gets digimon partners these days never get a D3 like Hikari, Takeru, Daisuke, Miyako, and Iori. They get stuck with a plain, old, blocky digivice like yours. Awww you don't have to look so offended, Taichi. If it makes you feel any better and less, uhhh, "outdated", you guys still got the Crests and all, so you oldies in the first generation have an edge above the rest of the populace.

Now that I think about it, the "International Chosen" we met on that world tour three years ago must've been tamers, not Chosen Children. None of them had D3's, and they certainly didn't have any crests assigned to them.

Okay, so there I was—will you stop saying "NO, SHEEEEEEETT" please? It's annoying.

So there I was—TAICHI!

Dammit. You stupid—!

So there I was… whew. So there I was, walking with Hikari, wondering why she even bothered with a lesson plan in the first place. Didn't she know how many times we keep on getting derailed by our students? That it was pointless to even have a topical direction?

Yet here she was, right beside me, trying to set a structure—an organization—for our "class". Sometimes, it frightens me how she'll approach teaching young, rambunctious, snot-nosed brats. I don't even know why she wants to be a teacher in the first place, when Hikari's more compatible with non-profits than…

Pulling me out of my thoughts were noises of movement and faint voices from the distance assaulting my ears. Focusing on reality rather than the intangible world of my mind, I gazed straight ahead and saw our "class" stirring from their places. There were six, two of them without a partner.

I have grown accustomed to meeting people without digimon to take care of on these weekend sessions Hikari, Takeru, Patamon, and I normally host. The primary reason for their attendance was information. Sometimes they had relatives or friends with a digimon and simply wanted to know if they were dangerous or not. Others were driven by a curiosity to learn about another race of sentient beings.

Often these people welcome the idea of sharing their home with a member of a species capable of "mass destruction" on a whim, as the government and media love to emphasize. Unfortunately, there were few who were struck by paranoia and only attended the class to either cast away their fears or hype it up even more, which is likely considering crazy shit happens almost every week.

Hikari noticed the raised voices and, looking up at her students—errr, soon-to-be new friends, she waved and greeted them all. "Good morning!" she always spoke in that happy tone. "Did you have a hard time finding the place?"

To answer your question, Taichi, sometimes we get people who aren't even from the school. Some are already in their early 20's. Amazing, isn't it? Thank god for the Internet. Otherwise we couldn't have expanded from 1 to 2 people a week to as much as 7.

"No, ma'am!" exclaimed an enthusiastic child, giving my partner a stiff salute. I inspected his thin, but fit body. The only thing that kept popping back in my mind was his hair—it looked like a large digimon ran its tongue on it so many times it stuck that way. Definitely not as good-looking as yours, Taichi. Didn't even smell as nice. Blegh.

Hikari giggled. "Just call me Hikari. You don't have to do that you know. Loosen up, errr…"

"Zenjirou," the enthusiast bowed, a red hue staining his cheeks. "Zenjirou Tsurugi!" He pulled what I initially thought a dirty samurai costume someone just left on the ground. It turned out to be a digimon. "And this is Kotemon, my partnah!" Kotemon waved back at us with a kendo stick.

Glimpsing another one on the ground next to where Zenjirou scooped him up, I had a feeling he practiced kendo too. Probably sparred with his digimon on a regular basis, just by seeing how battered the two shinai were. (You really think I should introduce him to Iori, Taichi?)

"W-we're from Onarimon," murmured the shy voice of Kotemon. Sometimes I wish he'd just take off his costume. That way we could see how that purple reptile looked like underneath all that armor.

"Onarimon?" I repeated, astounded. "That's at least ten kilometers from here." I whistled. "Can't believe you guys traveled all this way."

"That's nothing!" disputed this elementary-level kid, wearing a sun visor. I remember he was wearing a black shirt with a yellow cross-shaped design all over its front. He rounded his arm across the shoulder of a nerdy-looking kid. "Kenta and I came from Shinjuku!" He sneered, leering at Zenjirou. "I bet you spent some money going all the way from your home. We on the other hand spent nothing." He slapped the rust-colored metal of the mechanical digimon standing next to him. "All thanks to Guardromon here."

"Shucks, Kazu, it's nothing." I laughed when I saw him close his eyes and scratch that steel head in embarrassment. It really made me wonder how robot digimon could be so… organic in behavior.

My gaze fell on the pink digimon clinging onto Kenta's khaki buttonfront. If it wasn't for the Holy Ring and the icon of a heart on its tiny body, I wouldn't have known it was MarineAngemon.

Hehehe, how far lower can that jaw of yours go, Taichi?

I know it's an Ultimate-level.

"Isn't MarineAngemon an Ultimate?" I asked Kenta. "I'm surprised she's with you." I was even more surprised when he produced a tiny digivice in his hands.

"Wandered into my house and stayed there," he sheepishly explained, letting the tiny sea angel hugging and nuzzling his round head, nearly knocking his spectacles off. "Then I eventually got this for taking care of her."

"Awww," melted Hikari. "She's cute!"

Unfortunately, she couldn't talk either, communicating with whining noises her partner could somehow understand.

My ears twitched. "That's an odd way of getting a partner," someone droned. My eyes rolled to this black-haired girl whose only distinguishing feature was her voice. She wasn't even pinching her nose and it already had a nasal tone to it.

Hikari spoke before I could. "And who might you be?"

She looked at me with a depressed face. In fact, she had been ogling the other digimon in our group… longingly. "Call me Komo."

"Where's your partner?" I asked, regretting the question the moment the words left my muzzle. Komo turned away from me and embraced her legs, huddling in one corner a few meters away from the group. She refused to answer.

A tinnitus whined in my ears, no doubt caused by a wild squeal. I turned and saw a blond girl in an Ascot cap staring at me with wide eyes. I felt all her fanfare and excitement oozing from that creepy grin of hers and I found myself backing away. I didn't even notice the tiny Patamon hovering next to her head until she just moved and tackled me to the ground the way Chibimon fans normally try to hug him like a plushie.

"Homina-homina-homina, I get to finally meet you!" this barbaric female screamed in my ear, hugging me so tight I was starting to turn purple from the pressure! I was already snarling and lightly clawing at her arms but she just wouldn't let me go. "You're like, my favorite digimon, EVER!"

Hikari was already trotting towards me out of concern but she was beaten to this rabid… female by her digimon. "Sonia…" a high, child-like voice similar to Veemon's called to this… this goddamn fangirl squeezing the life out of me. "I don't think she can breathe."

When those damn hands released me I took in deep breaths and sucked in as much as I could. Who ever knew the all-natural air could taste so good?

As soon as I felt better, I turned to the digimon that saved my life… and it turned out to be a Patamon, standing on his two hind legs, ogling me as if I still had purple spots on my cheeks. "Are you okay?" he asked me. One nod from me and he started explaining, "Y'see, Sonia here's fanatic about your animé. She's been dying to meet you." He let out an awkward laugh.

"Thanks," I told him. I wiped some dirt off my paws and tendered it. Sticking to formalities, "I'm Tailmon, you are…"

Not one to let my voice trail, Sonia's Patamon did a playful twirl and bowed before me. "I'm the Lord of all Patas."

I cocked my eyebrow. "So… Lord Patamon?"

Sonia grunted, "Just call 'im, LP. It'll work just as fine."

Lord Patamon fumed. "Hey!"

LP's tamer ignored him, instead leaning towards me. I backpedaled—I really didn't want to be hugged like that AGAIN. I feel VIOLATED every time someone I don't know seizes me with those dirty, disgusting, gaunt things you humans call—okay, I'll stop! Obsessive fans will always be obsessive fans. Being around one made me feel uncomfortable.

So she examined me like I was some lab mouse trapped in a cage. Then that… that horrid girl smiled a smirk that obviously told me it was something I wouldn't smile about. "You and I need a loooot of talking to do."

I vowed to get away from her as soon as I could. Seeing Hikari engaging in small talk annoyed me. Now there was no way I could get away from this Sonia.

Then this beast as tall as Agumon approached me, sending short, forlorn glances at the person Hikari was talking to. He was a furry one, like a shaggy lion. Complete with a wild mane that could compete with the hair you used to have, Taichi. He called himself Spadamon. Called himself a "Weapon Digimon". I looked at him once and you could tell he was geared for a fight—foot guards, gauntlets, a cuirass, and what looked like a forehead protector complete with a raised visor. All blue.

Did he talk to me? No, he didn't. But he was kept on peeking in his partner's direction, I was compelled to ask. "Are you alright?"

Spadamon twitched when he heard my voice. He was that focused on his partner. "Do you… know how I could make Tetsuo happy? With me?"

I blinked. I wasn't expecting a question like that.

By the way! Remember that Rika girl Hikari brought here a few days ago? We first met her here. In fact, she's the last person in this informal class of ours and had been watching us this whole time, waiting for Hikari to begin teaching.

You've met her, right? The redhead with a ponytail shaped like a pineapple?

Good. Then you wouldn't be surprised when I tell you she took her place among the group and coughed rudely just to get my partner's attention. "Ms. Yagami," she called.

Hikari abruptly ended the conversation with Spadamon's partner and glanced at her. "Just call me Hika—

"It's already been 15 minutes. I think we've wasted enough time sitting here. Shouldn't you start teaching… whatever you're teaching?"

Talk about impatient.

Like it or not, it was time for work. I'm supposed to be there to entertain questions from either human or digimon, but most of the time I end up observing the class. Hikari always did the talking. So did Takeru when he was present.

So there you have it. We've got a couple of cheeky brats, a Kendo addict, a depressed kid, an obsess—excited fangirl, a digimon who wants to make his partner happy, and this undignified pineapple head. It's a pretty good setup, isn't it?

Yep. You could reeaaaaaaallly tell we'd have a lot of fun with that group. You know what I mean.

Will you look at that? Second bottle for the night. Could you pass me the third one over there?

Thanks.

The gist of last weekend's session: chaos broke out.

It started early into the part about evolution.

Your sister was progressing well into the six stages of digital evolution when Kazu raised his hand and piped without prompting. "Hikari, isn't this system… confusing?"

She blinked, a puzzled look glazing her features. "What? We've been working with—

Kenta spoke for him, warding her off as he adjusted his glasses. "We understand it's the convention you've been working with for such a long time, but we believe Baby I, Baby II, Child, Adult, Perfect, and Ultimate are just too confusing, you know? How about this instead: Fresh, In-Training, Rookie, Champion, Ultimate, and Mega? Doesn't that sound… more organized?"

Hikari stammered, her momentum gone. "W-well, I…"

Kazu shoved his companion. "Dude! Enough with the nerd crap!" He ogled Hikari, eyes sparkling like stars. "Digimon are all about combat, aren't they?"

Every digimon in the group, including myself and their partners, stared at the boy who just implied their only purpose for existing was death and destruction. To be a weapon. Better choose your next words carefully, I thought to myself.

He waved both his hands. "L-l-look! What I mean is, okay, so we can hang out with digimon, treat 'em as friends, talk to them about our problems, but when it comes right down to it, they help us fight our battles."

Hikari was disgusted. "You can't just—

"Did YOU defeat Apocalymon?" interjected Kazu, eyes diverting towards Kenta for a moment in hope of some support there. "Did YOU protect us from Vamdemon? Hell, were YOU the ones who stamped the Dark Spore out of Ken?"

I defended my partner with zeal. "Kid, we all fought together for peace. We risked our lives. I'm very sure—

"But who did the fighting?" cheeped Kenta, earning a thumbs up from Kazu for the assist. "It was always the digimon. As much as I hate to say it, you Chosen Children are just a bunch of batteries." As if to pacify any harbored grudges, he added: "with brains."

Taichi sit down. SIT. DOWN. Don't yell like that! What if you woke Hikari? What if you disturbed ourparents? I found it insulting, too, okay? Letting him call my Hikari a "battery" and do nothing about it wasn't easy to swallow.

Okay, Taichi, okay. You guys risked your lives for the Crests. Daisuke and the others had to earn their Digimentals and they even endangered themselves by riding us into battle. You made your point already, sheesh. I know you're incensed, but please, stop rambling.It's already been a week.

(It's strange, but for some reason, I find myself… agreeing with Kenta. It's so sad—if we got into trouble, our partners won't be able to bail us out…)

Huh? Nnnnnnope! I didn't say anything, Taichi. Not a word.

Besides, Kenta was quick to placate the insulted digimon before he got mauled. "Don't attack me! I'm just saying it like it is!"

"Who cares?" yelled Kazu. "Hikari, you guys still keep in touch with this… Gennai right?"

She didn't say a word, but I knew she was listening. After being insulted like that, she'd definitely listen to any attempts at rectification. That's the Hikari I know.

"Kenta, Guardromon, and I devised this card game based on the animé, and some of the game mechanics have the players modifying their digimon with power-up cards. Sooooooooooo, why don't you ask him to upgrade your digivices so you can start using cards too?"

It actually was a good idea, Taichi. You have to admit that.

"First, only Koushirou's in constant contact with Gennai now," my partner finally answered. "Second, you two have to realize: battlingisn't everything. If you could reason with the enemy, you could just—

"But sometimes you just got to fight your opponent 'til he gives!" Zenjirou ejaculated, swishing his shinai. The Kendo addict turned towards his partner and attacked him with it, who blocked the weapon reflexively with his own. "Right, Kotemon?"

"Mhm!" he chirped.

Things spiraled out of control. Remember that brunette without a digimon? She finally broke down.

"WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" I swear, I have never seen so much water spurt out of anyone's eyes like that!

Naturally, your sister was the first on her side. "Komo, are you alright?"

"NO!"

"Why? Could you tell me why?"

She did her best to suppress her whining. "T-that's because…" Her gaze fell on me, then on every digimon in this small group. "That's because…" My ears twitched when she whimpered again. Oh no. "That's because… mmmmmmmmm I'm jealous of you guys!

"How come I don't have a digimon?" Komo sobbed, her skinny arms wrapping themselves around my Hikari like a hungry snake and squeezing her tight. "I watch Digimon Adventure and Zero Two all the time! I'm always reading Koushirou's blog posts about the Digital World! And I'm so fascinated with my friends' partners. So why don't I have a digimon yet?"

Kazu giggled. "Why're you even here in the first place?"

She took offense at the question and buried her face in Hikari's arms, making her blush from the awkwardness of having someone you barely know weeping her heart out.

"Errr," her voice trailed, unsure of what to say.

My eyes scanned the group and saw the pineapple head sitting there, all alone, without a partner to begin with. "Komo, that girl over her doesn't have a digimon partner either."

Rika's response was curt. "Yeah, but I'm not desperate to have a partner. I'm just here 'cause of a passing interest on the subject."

Hikari cocked an eyebrow. "A passing interest on digimon?"

She shrugged, staring at her with eyes you could call lifeless and dull. Devoid of emotion. Full of gloom. "It's not like I have anything else to do. I just found your group on the Internet and thought it might be a good learning experience. I mean, nobody really bothers to look after me at home…"

I didn't know it back then, but those words convinced Hikari to bring Rika to our house for some dinner. You know how your sister is when it comes to helping others.

With her attention divided, I sauntered to Komo and offered her a piece of advice. "Komo, if you really want a digimon so much, then you just have to be patient. Don't despair so much. You'll meet your partner when you're ready to have a digimon of your own, I'm sure of it!"

Unfortunately she wasn't even listening to a word I said. Instead, her eyes were fixed on Spadamon, and, looking back, I'm certain that stare of hers was so powerful you could feel those eyes boring down on you. Spadamon backed away when they made eye contact.

"Awwww," I heard her murmur. "I wish you were my partner. Then I could hug you aaallll day…" Her voice trailed in a way that sounded dreamy, full of yearning.

Tetsuo grumbled. "Well you can have him. I sure as hell don't."

Spadamon whipped his lion face to his partner and bared his teeth. "WHADDYA MEAN? I AM your partner and there's nothing—

"Nuh uh!" childishly protested Tetsuo. "You're not my partner."

The lion rolled his yellow eyes, giving him a sardonic reply. "Well sorry if I've got gray fur instead of blue, I'm not scaly, and I don't have an effing 'V' on my forehead!"

"Did you just talk about Veemon?"

They ignored me. Tetsuo huffed, "Excuse me, Spadamon, but Veemon has neither scales nor fur. He's actually more like a lizard. A very warm-blooded and cute—

"WILL YOU GET OVER YOUR OBSESSION ALREADY?" The gray lion snapped and brandished his sword, rotating it so it'd hit its victims with the flat end. "I'm your partner, and you can't change that!" Spadamon lunged at Tetsuo, who barely dodged it and stole Zenjirou's shinai, readying a counterattack.

Hikari left Komo and tried to get in-between Tetsuo and Spadamon, but when Komo started crying again, she was rooted to the place, not knowing where to go. Neither did she notice Kazu and Kenta vanish from her sight.

I had no idea what she did next, because—speaking of obsessions—this hot and sticky breath clamped down on the back of my throat. I was trembling—yeah, you guessed right, Taichi. It was that, that Sonia again! I just can NOT forget those eyes. They were glaring at me like she was going for the kill! She even had this creeeeeeeepy grin, and I thought she had fangs!

"Since everyone's distracted, I've got some questions for you." I found her giggling ominous. "A lot of questions." Sweat was forming on my paws again. "Soooo," my big eyes were drawn to this huge, foreboding vein throbbing on her forehead. "I heard you're together with Patamon?"

At least she was blunt and direct to the point!

What did you say?

Hell no!

HELL.

NO.

You think I'd give away details of my intimate, private life to some complete stranger who just happened to fall in love with me 'cause of a stupid animé? Are you stupid? The last thing I want is an effing stalker! How could you even—dammit, make fun of me one more time and we can forget this story and call this a night.

I'm not kidding. And sorry, but you won't get the chance tomorrow. You got that test to study for, remember? Heh, plus we've got wind from Joe about a carnival that just opened in the Digital World this week and I think it'll be fun for Patamon and—yes, yes you don't need to remind me only D3's can open the Gate. I know the other D3 holders are busy with other stuff, but that part's as good as taken care of: Chibimon told me last night Ken's taking a break from his daily patrols tomorrow so he could take Wormmon there. I was thinking of asking him if we could ride with them. Daisuke should have his number…

Don't pout like that.

Alright, here, give me another bottle and I'll continue the story, ayt?

You know, I'm surprised Agumon's sleeping through this. He's missing out. Had him play football with the younger ones, huh? Can't say I'm surprised. Those football hooligans we have for friends really take it seriously, 'specially when they need to vent some stress.

Thanks.

The first thing I did to get rid of that revolting girl was dismiss her. "My private life's none of your business," I huffed, lifting my chin.

God she was persistent. "Well, I'm making it my business."

I rolled my eyes. "Get away from me."

The Lord of all Patas tapped my shoulder. "I think you should, Tailmon," he murmured. "She's writing fanfiction about you guys… hundreds of people read her work every weeeeeeeekkk…"

I ogled Sonia's partner. "Fanfiction? Hundreds of people? What're you talking ab—

"Haha!" Sonia's arrogant chuckles were getting to me. "That's right! You don't know this, but I'm one of the best Veegato writers on the Net!"

"Veegato?"

"She's what you call a shipper," LP filled me in. "Since you guys are celebrities and, nobody… really knows much 'bout your personal lives, people love debating over who's with who. We've got people divided between Taiora—Taichi and Sora—and Sorato—Sora and Yamato." LP's eyes thrust at his partner. "Sonia here supports Veegato—Veemon and Gatomon."

"Lord Pata, my name's Tailmon."

"Not in America," he corrected. "Westerners tailor foreign media to their own needs when they dub 'em… even if the final product completely trashes the original. You know One Piece?"

I shook my head. "Never heard of it. Sounds weird, but my family's not into mangaand animé. Maybe Miyako has—

"Enough small talk!" Sonia shrieked like the banshee she was. Her voice was so loud I had to cover my right ear. "So, Tailmon, who're you with? Patamon or Veemon?"

I suppressed an annoyed snarl. "Does it even matter? Write whatever you"—unfortunately the way I responded ticked her off.

"'Does it even matter'?" she repeated, dumbstruck. "OF COURSE IT MATTERS!"

Sonia's hand flew towards the sky. "EVERY DIGIMON SHIPPER OUT THERE WANTS TO KNOW THE TRUTH. VEEMON OR PATAMON?"

"I could care less about them!" I shouted. Sonia wasn't just giving me the creeps. The way she was trying to invade my privacy made me snap, and that was the worst possible thing I could've done. "If all you're writing is fiction, then you can do whatever you want! You can just leave me and Patamon out of it!"

How shameful, right?

Her bubbly face turned into a frown. She seized my body like I was some toy and started shaking me. "WHAAAAAATT? NO!" She coughed. "P-P-PATAMON? WHAT THE EFF, just what do you see in that batpig?"

"'BATPIG'?"NOBODY insults my significant other in front of me. I swatted her hands away like a rag doll. I think my claws gave her a shallow cut but I didn't bother caring. All I saw was red. "DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT PATAMON THAT WAY!

"You have no idea how much I admire his loyalty and determination!" I snorted. "You'd never know how much fun Patamon is."

"But Veemon's all about fun!"

"DUH? Patamon and I know that—he's our best friend! You've never even met Veemon, so you wouldn't know how immature he could be." And to finish her off, I interrupted whatever she intended on using as a rebuttal. "Besides, Veemon's not even interested in a romantic relationship!"

"No way!"

"BELIEVE IT." I smashed her down like one of my most hated enemies. I would've added that Veemon was the very reason Patamon and I were together in the first place, but why bother? That would've been like rubbing salt on fresh wounds, and I'm not that evil.

Lord Pata flapped the bat-like wings on his ear and flew to his partner. "See, Sonia? You can't just will someone to pair with another. It's all about choices, compatibility, and—

"Oh shut up, you effing batpig."

A new voice throttled my ears. "YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

We gazed at the speaker's direction and we saw Takeru Takaishi standing a few meters away, arriving just in time to hear Sonia talk. He was absolutely livid at Sonia for deriding her partner with a very insulting term.

"Well if it isn't the one who stole Daisuke's girl," she leered. I forgot to mention this, but Lord Pata also told me she was a Daikari shipper. It doesn't take much to figure out who's involved in that, right?

Yeah, Taichi, I agree with you: what a f*cked up world we live in.

It wasn't surprising Takeru was provoked. Judging from all the sweat on his body, I guess he went through hell trying to get here as fast as he could and the first thing he heard upon arrival wasn't an intellectual discussion or some informative lectures from Hikari, but a gross derision aimed for every member of his partner's species. "That was uncalled for!"

At any rate, he was pissed. You know it takes a lot to piss him off like that.

"Who cares?" She stuck her tongue out, pulled down her eyelid, and blew a raspberry. "What're you gonna do about it?" Sonia and I saw Takeru's fists shaking. "You gonna hit me?"

Sonia stretched her neck, flexing muscles I did not know she had. "Don't underestimate me 'cause I'm a girl. I've beaten up many of the boys in my class…you effing girl stealer! Tell your batpig to stay away from—

He had had enough. "AAARRRRGGGHH!" Takeru sprinted and tackled Sonia to the ground, tangling themselves in dust clouds, huffs, grunts, and one wrestling move after another. It's amazing Takeru held against her. He's not that good on the ground.

"You grapple like a girl! Ha, wait 'til the FF community finds out about that!"

Lord Pata and I were just watching the two of them go at each other when my Patamon flew down and landed next to us. He looked at Sonia's Patamon and greeted her with a smile I see in my dreams every night. "Hi! I'm Patamon!"

Lord Pata grinned. "I'm Patamon, too! But you can call me Lord Pata!"

Before my beloved could ask the question, I retorted, "Don't ask."

"Okay," he chirped, cocking his head to the girl Takeru's fighting with. "How could you live with her? She sounds like quite the b*tch."

"Meh," Lord Pata didn't mind. "She's only like that when you get her riled up on fanfiction, especially if it's Veegato."

My Patamon's eyes lit up, as if he suddenly remembered something important. Very important. "Wait a minute! YOU'RE Lord Pata?"

"Uh huh. The Lord of all Patas."

"As in the Lord Pata?"

"Errrr, yes?"

"I REALLY love that short story you made! About my first date?"

"You're not joking are you?"

"No way!" He twittered. "I found it cute. But… totally wrong. Listen, there's something I need to tell you about the real first date…"

I swung my arms around them both. "I'm out of the loop. Just what're you talking about?" I was gawking at LP. "Can't believe you're a writer, too." Hard to believe the stubby hands Patamon had could be used for typing stories on a keyboard.

"Fanfiction! Just look yourself up on the web and you're bound to find some—

"TAILMON!"

It was Hikari.

Before I could even move, I felt her grasp the scruff of my neck and drag me away from my beloved. "What?"

By the way, Taichi, before I go on, I remember catching a glimpse of Zenjirou, Kazu, and Kenta loitering around your sister's phone. You better warn Koushirou since they probably got his num—wow, they actually CALLED you?

When?

In the same afternoon?

Wow. Just… wow.

Hey, you're not mad at me, are you?

WHAT? You're meeting with them after your test this weekend?"

Unbelievable.

.

.

Okay, so there I was—Didn't I tell you to stop with the "NO SHIT" crap already?—Hikari wanted me to get between Spadamon and Tetsuo. The two were having a very intense fight and I was given the dirty job of breaking them up.

Being an Adult level, it wasn't so hard for me to do just that. I obstructed them and kindly told them to stop. "Why don't you two CALM DOWN ALREADY? We're having a class here and we don't want to waste anymore time babysitting every—

"YOU!" Tetsuo charged at me. "I HATE YOU! Why'd you have to be so close to Veemon? Why're you two friends?" I was too focused on dodging his attacks instead of disarming him since I couldn't really hurt the poor kid. He eventually got a lucky shot and sent a blow straight to my head.

"GODDAMMIT!" he yelled. "WHY THE F*CK DID DAISUKE HAVE TO EXIST?"

Spadamon returned to the fray. "And why the f*ck can't you accept me?"

I snarled. "I TOLD YOU TO CALM THE FU—

Hikari squeaked.

Stopping, I turned to my partner and gave her a quick examination. She was shaking from all the stress. Komo had finally been consoled, but Takeru and Sonia's grappling escalated to a fistfight on the grass. I kept hearing her obscenities and threats to "sully Takeru's and Patamon's reps" on the Internet.

I ran towards Kazu, Kenta, and Zenjirou when I saw them, hunched over someone else's things. HIKARI'S things. Her cellphone in their hands. "HEY! Get your hands away f—

Of course, Hikari beat me to them, stunning everyone with a wild screech that shattered my eardrums. I couldn't even believe she was capable of screaming like a wild, rabid fangirl…. But worse.

.

.

.

"EVERYONE STOP!"

Hikari's wail was so loud it forced every activity, every crazy thing happening, to a halt.

Taichi, this scene happens every week. Believe me. And it's always different eachtime.

My partner strolled to the three battle freaks and seized her phone from Kazu's hands, before putting it in a small bag. "You boys better STAY AWAY FROM MY STUFF!" She grabbed Kotemon's shinai and whacked Kazu in the head. "If I see you six anywhere near 'em, I'm going to BASH YOUR HEADS IN!"

Tetsuo was next to have his head attacked. I had to say, Hikari knewhow to handle a shinai. "And you." She pointed at Spadamon's direction with the wooden sword. "Don't you even appreciate how he feels about you? GET OVER the fact you don't have Veemon for a partner! MOVE ON WITH LIFE AND BE FRIENDS WITH SPADAMON!"

"B-but, I"—THACK!

"Be happy you don't have a NUMEMON as a partner!"

Tetsuo's face turned green at the thought.

"Besides, there isn't another Veemon in existence. Daisuke's the only one who's partnered to one, and there's nothing you can do about it."

Hikari's face contorted when she laid her lovely eyes on Takeru and that fangirl. Despite Hikari's shriek, those two were still trying to kill each other! And all Takeru wanted was an apology from Sonia. "YOU!"

Hearing her voice made the fighting pair stop. Sonia wheeled around and paled before my partner, even if she didn't have Kotemon's shinai pointed at that face of hers. "I swear, if you ever bash Takeru or Patamon, I swear to God I'm going to have Tailmon hunt you down and give you a beating you'll never forget!"

She hurled the shinai at the ground. "DAMMIT! What is WRONG with you people? EVERY SINGLE EFFING WEEK I END UP DOING A GROUP PSYCHOTH—MMPH!"

Takeru had gone on and did it again. He rose from the grass and slipped a long kiss on Hikari's lips, silencing her and calming her down.

Kazu cheered them on. "WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! Look at 'em go!"

Sonia, that devil girl, shielded her eyes from the sight and writhed on the grass. "NO! AAAHHH MY EYES, IT BURNS, IT BUUUURRRNNNSS! YOU WILL PAY! YOU WILL PAAAAAAYY! GWAAARRGH!"

"Don't worry, Hikari!" Lord Pata tweeted, ignoring her partner's... agony. "I'll make sure Sonia doesn't do anything irrational when she gets back on her computer later. You can count on me, the Lord of all Patas!"

.

.

.

We had to adjourn the weekend class an hour after that, just in time for lunch. It was one of the worst sessions Hikari ever had. Normally it wasn't that crazy, I mean. We sometimes got fans, but that was the first time we had a shipper in our midst.

And, Taichi, that kiss happens every week. I promise you. No kidding. What, you don't believe me? Well, you're free to accompany us on two weekends from now.

As we packed our bags, something compelled Takeru to comment on that class. "Boy, that was a crazy one."

I grunted. "Tell me about it. This is exactly why we can't bring this out of the school yet."

Patamon landed next to me and licked my cheek… which I reciprocated. "I know," he suggested, turning to our partners. "Daisuke's dad runs a ramen store over in Aomi, doesn't he? Ask him if he could buy an office for you guys!"

"Uhhhhh, Patamon," Takeru shot him down. "Daisuke's dad can't just 'buy an office'. It's not the way a business is run..."

"This week wasn't productive at all," Hikari sighed. I knew where she was coming from. We couldn't even finish the lesson plan. Our "students" besieged us with their personal issues and what was supposed to be an enlightening discussion about digital monsters turned into a monstrous psychotherapy.

"Cheer up, Hikari," I moved to console her, reminding her of that one girl who didn't contribute to the chaos. "At least we had one real student today."

She sniffled. "Y, you mean Rika?"

My lovely hamster went straight to my aid. "Yeah! She's the only one who kept asking me about digimon, and if they're like what the movies said they were."

"Really?"

"Really. She's very curious about the relationship between us and humans. About the bond."

Those were very good questions, considering they came from someone who didn't even have a digimon partner. Another reason why we brought her to the apartment for dinner. Glad you were there to do some answering… even though it distracted you from your studies.

Well… yes, one reason why we're doing this is to help others become better tamers. But I think, the most important goal is to—how do I say it—to improve human-monster relationships. Kids don't think about these kinds of things often, but if we could teach them how to properly take care of their digimon and know the basics about them, they wouldn't look at them like mindless pets or weapons.

That's how we saw it when we started this whole thing in the first place. It's a shame people often degraded it into either a group therapy or a method of meeting animé idols in the flesh.

"See, Hikari?" I said, walking over to my partner and nuzzling her. "It wasn't a total loss."

.

.

.

And that's the story. Crazy, huh?

Uhhhh…. What? You mean that night? When Hikari threw a fit in her room?

Errrrr, I don't know what you're talking about.

I am SO not turning red.

No you don't! You got nothing on me!

.

.

...I told you my story and we're done. You throw away those bottles, and I won't tell the family about your... anime addiction. Deal?

.

.

Good night.

.

.

One week ago…

Tailmon had Hikari's laptop set on the small desk on the corner of her room.

Still winding down from the terrible "class" that morning in the early hours of the evening, the Digimon of Light suddenly remembered the Chosen Children were now featured in the wonderful realm of fanfiction and, taking some cues from Lord Pata and even her beloved, ran a search on herself as key words.

A new world had been opened to the white cat. A world of fiction and art that deviated from reality and filled one's mind with wonder and awe, or disappointment and inertness, depending on the skill of the writer… or the artist.

In that same night, however, Tailmon's amazing world turned into a nightmare. Fiction describing Tailmon unceremoniously dumping Patamon for Veemonn, having a threesome with them, or acting like a wh*re and a dumb prick to her closest of friends. What the hell, she was thinking.

Crudely drawn and marvelously illustrated art alike were showing things her mind refused to acknowledge. One such picture involved Patamon, Veemon, herself, and in an appalling, breathtaking moment, Agumon.

It was then that she realized how disgusting people were. How many people were sick enough to be drawing these barbaric, vulgar pictures? To be playing with themselves while staring at them? Scraping only the surface of human nature, Tailmon could no longer bear it and felt lumps rising in her throat out of instinct.

An uncomfortable rise followed by awkward burping noises and nausea. "I think I'm gonna hurl!" she yelped, leaping off the chair to head for the toilet.

Hikari Yagami, her human half, coincidentally walked in to see Tailmon making her mad dash to the bathroom. Curious as to what prompted her digital half and sister to bolt from her chair, the Child of Light casually strode to the laptop left open for all to see.

Her jaw dropped.

Who the hell introduced her to… to these?

"TAILMON!"

Post-chapter notes:

[5] Personally, I think I could've done better. The way the storytelling ended was appallingly mediocre, and for some reason, I didn't laugh as much when I read the final work versus when I read my planned outline for the second half. Ugh. Probably because of the limitations of the chosen writing style.

Anyway, I'll be really thankful if you could leave a review for this, as I'm not used to handling stories the way I just did. I think it's already obvious in the difference between the main story and the "epilogue" you just read. It would really help improve the quality of my future one/two-shots... if and when I write some more. Unfortunately, the ideas only come as I'm writing my main fic. :P

[6] If you're curious, this two-shot was inspired by a scene in CH19 of my main story. :D

June 21, 2011 EDIT: All right. Here's the deal. I am not a shipper. I despise romance fics to the core. As I've recently gotten some... let's say... "pointers" about the whole thing (aside from the wonderful and surprisingly only critique this story received), I feel compelled to defend myself, especially when people who would be reading future updates of my main story and any future oneshots may possibly read this and undergo emotions of anger and/or disappointment.

First, my intention with the VeeGato shipper was to use her to bash a group of people who become so absorbed with celebrities they wish they would have total control over who they should be with and stuff. Because the main character in this case is Tailmon, the natural choice is to go with a VeeGato shipper. Second, I wanted an allusion to Lord Pata as a way of linking this to real life. Nothing speaks of realism more than using people from the real world. Besides, I know NO OTHER shipper aside from him, which clearly emphasizes the fact I gravitate towards ORIGINAL spins on the fandom and pre-existing universes (esp. Adventure or Tamers), along with well-written rewrites. (Don't believe me on that? Check my favorites list and only a few of the Digimon stories there are driven by romance.)

Third, from a literary perspective, don't you see an irony in pairing up a mad, crazy shipper obsessed on a false sense of control with someone who is loyal to a particular ship, yet more realistic with the way they view the subject coupling? Even more so when they treat each other in respect despite getting into fights whenever the topic shifts to the one thing they fight about? Isn't this irony present in real life, where two awesome friends can be so amicable to each other yet be divided to the point of violence when their opinions clash on something they feel strongly about?

THAT is what I was trying to aim for. I have nothing against the "major ships" of the fandom and malice was never my intent. The only reason why I chose Takari in the first place was because the developers intended for it. I operate strictly on canon and canon-intent. Nothing else.

Unfortunately, the fact I have received "pointers" on top of a flame and a rather eye-opening critique means I failed to live up to my outline and thus need to be more vigilant with the quality of my work.

Something like this will not happen again.