Forgot My Hat

By TwinEnigma

Warnings: Spoilers for Journey's End, blink and you'll miss it spoilers for The Lodger, Pandorica Opens/Big Bang, Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon, The Doctor's Wife; Amy x Rory, Doctor x TARDIS, Metacrisis Doctor x Rose.

Forgot My Hat

Or The Most Excellent Story Of Tying Up Loose Ends And Trying On Fashionable Hats In Zeppelins, as told by Miss Sexy and dictated to the Pretty One, with liberal narrative embellishments provided by Silent Fellow (deceased) and summarily edited into coherency by Craig Owens of Aickman Road.

The first thing you must know upon reading this story is that the Doctor is a madman with a box. He surrounds himself with all sorts of interesting people, but has many, many enemies, and is profoundly attracted to all sorts of danger and trouble. And he has the most terrible sense of direction in the universe, so his mad blue box, the TARDIS, drives for him.

This episode takes place after some particularly bizarre adventure, involving an evil house (again, really, Doctor?), some mention of the TARDIS being a girl for real, and before whoever this Silent person was left this on my doorstep in a heap of bloodstained papers. There was also a previously established event in the timeline that apparently was involved, resulting in more than one Doctor, but that bit is rather confusing and... well, it's all very complicated. It is split into parts, but none appear to be in any sort of linear chronological order. That being said, the original manuscript of this reads like a mishmash of a bizarre, nightmarish captain's log and the incoherent ramblings of two terribly mad individuals at a time travel convention. I've tried to make it as clear as possible from the point of view of the most coherent timeline mentioned, but it can be rather confounding at times, as apparently the TARDIS preferred to refer to individuals by nickname, Rory the Pretty One preferred calling everyone by name and this Silent Fellow constantly referred to them all as targets.

In short, I rewrote the entire bloody thing.

- Craig Owens, editor.

Part 1: The Beach

The TARDIS had just left the Dårlig Ulv-Stranden of a parallel universe, leaving a rather poignant impression in the sand and two very much emotionally conflicted persons standing hand-in-hand on the beach, staring at the now-empty space. The third person present, one Jackie Tyler, was not so conflicted. She had, in fact, resolved to be quite thoroughly annoyed with the fact that she was, once more, on a beach in the middle of nowhere in Norway and now had to wait with only the company of her liable-to-explode-at-any-moment daughter, Rose, and the normally-infuriating-but-scarily-somber-and-slightly-human-daughter-stealing-mad-alien, the Doctor. Or his double, at any rate, which was really making things quite confusing.

Really, she loved them, but the way they were just staring at the empty spot made Jackie quite worried. They both looked like they'd had the universe pulled out from under their feet.

...Which, in a manner of speaking, was exactly what had happened to at least one of them. Jackie understood that the Doctor had been with the TARDIS for a very, very long time. It was all that remained of his world and people and, for all intents and purposes, was the only home he'd had left until he came crashing into their lives with all the grace of a bull in a china shop.

She sighed and just as she was about to call out to them, there was a familiar grinding noise and a blast of wind.

Vworp-vworp-vworp.

The blue box was rematerializing, right in the spot it had left, and there was something a little bit different about it, but that hardly seemed to matter now. After all that bullocks about dimensional retrowhatsis and 'you need to stay here with him, who is me and needs therapy, Rose,' he hadn't been away more than a bloody moment before he was right back in their lives. The nerve of the Original Doctor!

Jackie Tyler cracked her knuckles and marched over.

Rose stared at the TARDIS, numb with shock, but the New Doctor reached for it first, almost as if drawn by instinct, disbelief etched on his face. His fingers touched the doors and reverently traced a small, white logo on the door.

"I haven't seen this logo in ages," the New Doctor said. "I thought I'd never see it again... Oh, old girl, look at you! You're still the most beautiful thing I've ever known."

It may have been Jackie's imagination, but she was almost certain the TARDIS had just purred in a purely mechanical way.

Rose suddenly seemed to wake up from her daze and reached for the door handle.

It was right then that the door opened and the most ridiculous young man Jackie had ever seen stuck his head out. The floppy-haired young man took one look at the lot of them, made the most ridiculous face in the universe, and slammed the door in their faces.

Rose blinked.

The New Doctor blinked.

The door opened again. This time, the ridiculous young man was smiling. He tweaked his silly bow tie once, drew himself up to his full height and opened his mouth: "Hello, Rose, Other Me, Jackie."

"You regenerated," Rose observed, sounding more than a little overwhelmed.

Jackie stared, privately wondering if all Time Lords got younger when they regenerated. Why, he looked practically younger than Rose!

Rose slapped the, well, regenerated Original Doctor.

"Ow!" the Original Doctor said, rubbing his stinging cheek. "That hurt! What was that for?"

"You left, just a moment ago!" she shouted. "And now you just come back... like... like nothing's happened?"

"I suppose I deserve that," the Original Doctor cedes hesitantly. "A moment ago, really? As in literally a moment ago? Not three years from now? That would explain where the zeppelin went. And the lack of suits."

The New Doctor's eyes narrowed calculatingly.

"Oi! You can't just come popping in and out as you please, Doctor!" Jackie said, hands on her hips. "Weren't you the one going on about that dimensional retro-thingy and how it'd close forever?"

The Doctor froze, guilt painted across that new, innocent face.

Jackie slapped him quite hard.

"Forgot about those Tyler women slaps, didn't miss those," the Doctor mumbled, getting oriented once more. He then turned around, clapped his hands together and smiled at his slightly-human counterpart. "Ah, let's get caught up, shall we?"

He then reached out and butted him right in the head with an audible crack.

Both Doctors stumbled backwards, clutching their heads and wincing. At last, they both straightened up and stared at each other.

"You're rude," the New Doctor said, pointedly, and then made a strange face. "Oh no, you're definitely not invited."

The Original Doctor fidgeted. "The timeline..."

"Can piss off," the New Doctor practically snarled. "It's m- no, just no. And no hats."

"Doctor!"

A woman's voice, unfamiliar and slightly Scottish, came from within the TARDIS.

"Busy!" the Original called back, over his shoulder.

This time, a man appeared behind the Doctor. He was sort of mousey and gangly, but there was a certain charm to his face. "Doctor, um... she says we need to be on our way and you should hurry up with that thing you forgot."

Rose narrowed her eyes at the strange man.

"Right, right," the Original Doctor said, fumbling through his pockets. At last, he pulled out something that looked like a funny rock and tossed it at the New Doctor. "This is for you. Sort of forgot it in the confusion last time. Except I didn't, but that was another universe – little bits are missing, kind of like a Xerox, except bigger and universe-shaped... Actually, forget the Xerox. There is no Xerox, which is why I didn't give you that this time. But never mind all that, the Old Girl's very insistent you have this. You'll have to build the console from scratch, but there should be some parts lying around a rift if you're lucky. Except when you're done, you can't call her Sexy – that's what I call her. You'll have to call her something else, like Sexy Too or Fred."

Rose mouthed the word sexy, seemingly unable to determine whether or not she wanted to be incredulous or furious.

Jackie peered at it curiously. "What is it?"

"This is a TARDIS coral," the New Doctor said reverently. He looked up at the other him soberly. "It'd take centuries."

"Not if you shatterfry the plasmic shell and modify the dimensional stabilizer to a foldback harmony of 36.3. It'd accelerate the growth power by 59," the strange man behind the Original Doctor said.

Both Doctors stared at him, flummoxed expressions on their faces.

"Rory!" the Original Doctor said, wide-eyed. "How...?"

"Um... yeah, about that, Doctor," the man sighed, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "The TARDIS – Sexy, sorry – says she thought she told you that she would tell me these things. And she says she'd already warned you to stop pushing her doors – pull them, like it says on the sign."

Several things happened at once.

Jackie blinked, holding out her hand. "Hold on, he calls his ship Sexy? You can't be serious!"

Rose couldn't help the laugh, turning away to hide the absolute war of emotions on her face. "I knew it. Just like any other bloke with his car."

"Oi!" the New Doctor exclaimed, indignantly. "She's not some silly car! She's the most wonderful ship in the universe!"

"Rory, you're the pretty one?" the Original Doctor cried, aghast. He turned to the door of the TARDIS and pouted at it. "I thought you were talking about Amy!"

"Oh, quit moping, Doctor," the woman's voice from earlier said. A young, pretty redheaded woman appeared in the doorway and Rose visibly stiffened, as if slapped.

"I am not moping," the Original Doctor said, sulkily. "I do not mope."

Jackie privately thought he was still a terrible liar.

The redheaded woman looked at her and smiled, shoving her way past Rory and the now sputtering Original Doctor. "I recognize you! You used to travel with him, yeah?"

Rose drew herself up to her full height, back rigid. "Yeah. 'M Rose Tyler. That's m' mum, Jackie. And that's... the Doctor. Well, the new new new Doctor."

"Name's Amy, Amy Pond," the woman says, getting uncomfortably close. She leaned on Rose's shoulder and her eyes softened as she pointed at Rory, saying, "That's my husband, Rory."

Rory gave them a little, sheepish wave.

Rose sagged a little, letting out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. "You're married?"

"Having a bit of a second honeymoon, if you catch my drift," Amy said, winking. She then looked thoroughly at the New Doctor, as if attempting to see her Doctor in him, and finally smiled. "So that's what you used to look like, eh? Bit of a dish, isn't he, you lucky girl!"

Rose's face went a brilliant shade of red as Amy elbowed her gently and the New Doctor sputtered in shock.

"Now, Rory and I can't figure this out. Was the Doctor always so good at giving mixed sig–"

"No, no, we'll have none of that, Pond!" the Original Doctor said, lunging forward. He grabbed her by the arm and tried to quickly steer her back to the TARDIS. "Bad enough she had to talk to Sarah Jane..."

Rose couldn't help it. She laughed. It was as if something was cut free and she just laughed and laughed until she was out of breath. Then, she composed herself, sniffling a little. "Yes, yes, he certainly is. And I guess he still strokes bits of the TARDIS?"

"Yeah, yeah, he does," Rory said, giving the Original Doctor an apologetic look. "Well, you do."

"But you're okay, right?" Rose asked, looking at the new young face of the Doctor.

"I'm the king of okay," the Original Doctor said, smiling a little. He gave her an assuring pat on the shoulder and tipped up her chin. "Brave heart, Rose."

Jackie turned away. He really was a terrible liar.

"Now, Rory, Amy, we'd better get going before we're really stuck here," the Original Doctor said, turning around. "And I did promise to take you to the Eye of Orion."

Amy seemed to glide right past him and quickly hugged Rose, whispering something in her ear that made her turn bright red. Amy winked and then ducked back into the TARDIS.

The New Doctor opened his mouth, something wonderful, foreign and musical all at once coming from him, a stark contrast to the serious expression he wore.

"I know," the Original Doctor said, quietly. "You know us. I'll sort it."

Then, he too ducked inside.

Rory lingered in the doorway a moment, turning to look back at them, and, when his eyes met Jackie's, she stiffened in fear. As gangly and plain as he looked, this man was old, older than the Doctor, and for one moment, frighteningly dangerous. "Don't worry," he said. "Amy and I will look after him. I promise."

"Thank you," Rose said, sniffling as she tried to hold back her tears.

The door closed.

Jackie watched her daughter and the New Doctor close their eyes as the old familiar sound washed over them again.

Once more, it was just three people standing on a deserted beach in Norway, with only the outline in the sand where the TARDIS once stood. One was drying her tears, a thin, hopeful smile threatening to break across her face. The next was quiet, wistfully examining the precious key to the universe in his hand, and smiled at the way it glowed with a tiny golden light. The third looked up to the sky and breathed a sigh of relief.

On the horizon, a zeppelin had come to take them home.

Of course, much of this is pure speculation, but knowing the Doctor, it happened exactly like that.

- C. Owens, Editor