Rating: PG-13
Pairing/Characters: Gabriel/Sam, Dean/Castiel, brief onesided Lucifer/Sam, Michael/Dean. Possible Michael/Lucifer if you squint.
Spoilers: Need to know Season Five general for that whole season.
Warnings: This is Crack.
Word Count: 2,313
Summary: Michael and Lucifer decide they don't actually want to have an Apocalypse and instead seek to lay a Bond-mate claim on their respective true vessels. Unfortunately, they get with the program a little too late because someone else has beaten them to it.

Lucifer had thought it over, talked to Michael and together came to the decision. This Apocalypse was crap and a complete waste of their time. Why would they want to fight each other when they were perfectly happy keeping themselves(and each other) alive?

"Okay." Michael said. "So, what do we do with our vessels then?"

Lucifer had an answer for that too. "We Bond with them."

"Bond? Why?"

"Well, they're still ours so we can have them without making them our vessels."

Michael looked thoughtful, "Bond-mates, huh? That could work but do you think we can get them to agree?"

"Hmmm." Lucifer thought for a moment, thinking about Sam and his weaknesses. "I think, if we worded the offer correctly then they won't be able to refuse."

"How do you mean?"

"They don't know we've decided against following Father's moronic 'Plan', right? So, we tell them that if they will agree to become our Bond-mates then we will give up on the Apocalypse."

Michael's eyes brightened, "And they both would be unable to refuse. They won't have to say yes to becoming vessels and the world will be 'saved'." the eldest angel said, complete with air quotes.

"Exactly! It will be a win-win situation as far as they see it." Lucifer looked extremely proud of himself and Michael shared an equally proud smile with him, happy to see his dearly beloved brother returning to some of his former glory.

"Alright then." Lucifer said, "I sense that Sam has been left alone so I will go see him. You should make your offer to Dean now while they are apart."

Michael nodded and clasped Lucifer's hand, "May us both succeed." he said and vanished.

Lucifer blinked, looked down at his blistered and sore covered hand, and flexed it slowly. "Michael." he sighed. In the next moment he was gone and reappeared in the latest Winchester abode.

Samuel was alone, as he had expected, and was sitting on one of the beds. A book on Trickster lore was open in his hands and Lucifer wondered idly what the boys were hunting before deciding it didn't matter. Whatever it was, he could vanquish it with ease.

"Sam." Lucifer said warmly, watching as Sam flailed in his surprise and the book went flying across the room. Sam was up and against the wall quicker then the devil had thought humans could move.

"Lucifer." Sam gasped in something like shock and thinly veiled fear.

"Hello, Sam."

"How did you find me?"

"You are my vessel, I have always known where you are at any time."

Sam's eyes widened and he blinked rapidly. "So, the sigils Castiel put on my ribs were useless?"

"Not entirely." Lucifer reassured him, "On any other angels they will work just fine. I am merely an exception given our relationship."

Mouthing a repeat of his word choice in regards to 'relationship', Sam shook his head. "Okay, then why are you here? Right now, I mean. Why wait so long?"

Lucifer shrugged, "I am here to make you an offer."

"An offer?" Sam scowled fiercely and Lucifer was actually taken back for a brief moment. "I will never say yes!"

"So you have said many times." Lucifer said with a indulgent smile. "I have an offer of a different nature."

Sam looks surprised but gives no objection to hearing more so Lucifer goes on. "I have decided to stop pursuing the Apocalypse, on one condition."

Lucifer pauses, to heighten this dramatic moment but Sam only blinks at him. Disappointed, the devil continues. "You must agree to becoming my Bond-mate."

He's not sure what reaction he was expecting from his vessel but this certainly wasn't it. Sam had to brace himself against the wall he was laughing so hard.

"You can't possibly be serious!" Sam gasped, wiping at his eyes.

Insulted, Lucifer huffed. "Of course I'm serious! Bonding is hardly a laughing matter, Samuel!" he snapped.

Abruptly, Sam stopped laughing, eyes wide as Lucifer advanced toward him and Sam pressed closer to the wall. "Okay, okay! I'm sorry! Forgive me for thinking the devil was just mocking me." the hunter said somewhat sarcastically.

Lucifer stopped and sighed. "You are forgiven, of course, Sam."

Sam's lips curled and he gave Lucifer an odd look before shaking his head. "Uh, thank you?"

The devil nodded benevolently and leaned slightly forward. "And what have you decided?"

"Decided?" Sam just looks at him through his bangs for a moment before remembering Lucifer's offer. "Oh! That. Yeah, I'm afraid I'm going have to go with no."

It was quiet a moment when Lucifer thought that over. "No?" he said finally, frowning. "What do you mean no? Do you want the world to burn?"

"No!" Sam said quickly, "I really, really don't! But, well...um...it's kinda not an option. At least, not anymore."

Lucifer is really, unfairly confused. "I don't understand."

"What he means, dear Luci, is that Sammy here is already taken." A new voice said and a snap filled the room.

Lucifer stared at the short angel standing next to Sam. "Gabriel? Didn't I kill you?"

Gabriel grinned and pointed a sucker at his brother. "Nope! I only made you think you did. You may have taught me all my tricks from Heaven but I've learned a whole new set of tricks as a Pagan god, bro."

"Regardless, I am pleased to see you alive, Gabriel. Killing you was less then fulfilling."

"Good to know." Gabriel muttered, rolling his eyes.

"However, I still do not understand why you are here. What was it you said before, about Sam?"

"Oh, yeah. About that. You can't Bond to Sammy."

Lucifer's eyes narrowed, mouth curling down. "He is mine, my vessel, why would you say I can not?"

"Because I've already claimed him." Gabriel said, smirking and wrapping his arms around Sam's waist, prompting the hunter to blush.

"You what?" Lucifer asked flatly.

Sam flinched slightly but Gabriel rolled his eyes and held the hunter tighter. "You heard me, brother. Sam is mine now. You should've pulled your head out of your ass sooner but it's too late now. He's mine and I don't share."

Lucifer thought for a moment then pouted. "Well, now what am I supposed to do?" he muttered, disgruntled.

Sam's mouth dropped, he couldn't believe the devil was just going to give up.

"Go to Hershey Park." Gabriel chimed in, "I swear you'll love the place."

Lucifer looked at him in contemplation, head tilted in that familiar Castiel way. "I will consider your suggestion." he said. Then, looking at Sam, Lucifer bowed his head and disappeared.

Sam blinked a few times and looked down at Gabriel. "Where the Hell did that come from?"

Gabriel smirked and shrugged, "Who knows? Lucifer always did think in mysterious ways."

"Very funny, Gabriel." Sam said with a shake of his head, walking across the room to retrieve his book. Gabriel snapped himself onto Sam's bed and spread out, taking up as much space as he could and watched hungrily when Sam bent over, happily eying his ass.

Sam straightened, well aware that Gabriel was watching and looked down at the book in his hands then smirked briefly before turning around. Feigning a sigh, Sam walked to the end of the bed and stood there, looking up at the ceiling thoughtfully.

"I wonder what it would be like Bonded to the Morning Star." he mused aloud, watching Gabriel stiffen out the corner of his eye.

"Yeah, yeah." Gabriel huffed, "I get your point, Sam."

Sam turned eyes toward his angel, wide with innocence. "Whatever do you mean?" he asked airily, nudging Gabriel aside to make room on the bed for him.

Gabriel was scowling, then he got a look at the book in Sam's hand and slowly smirked. "What'cha reading Sammy?"

Sam smiled and looked back at him, waving it teasingly. "Just some research."

Gabriel snorted and snapped his fingers to get Sam beneath him, his knees on either side of the hunter's hips. "How about some first hand research?" he purred and Sam merely grinned.

When Michael tracked Dean down, the eldest Winchester was in a diner, sitting at a booth and eating a slice of pie. He landed in the long seat across from Dean and said, quite calmly. "Hello, Dean."

Dean yelped and choked, coughing until his eyes watered. Concerned, Michael waved a hand and Dean took a deep breath, gathering himself quickly.

"What the fuck!" Dean snarled, glaring heatedly at the archangel.

Michael winced, disappointed in his vessel's appalling language. "How are you?" he said, a little uncertain as to the proper way of introducing one's self.

"I'd be so much better if I could eat in peace at least once! Seeing you feathered bastards always ruins my appetite." Dean snapped back, uncaring that he sounded rude.

Quickly realizing that Dean had no care for pleasantries, Michael decided it might be prudent to get straight to the point. "I have an offer for you, Dean."

The hunter lifted a brow and gave him an incredulous look. Dean sighed and pushed his plate away, "That sounds rather ominous." he muttered. "Alright then, get on with it."

Michael nodded and folded his hands in front of him. "I am willing to cease all attempts at following the plans for the Apocalypse on the one condition that you agree to being my Bond-mate."

Dean stared at him, blinked, stared some more then slowly shook his head. "Uh, right, how 'bout no for that one too."

"What?" Michael tilted his head, reminding Dean uncomfortably of another angel, and frowned gently. "Why would you turn this opportunity down? Do you wish for the world to end after all?"

"No, but there are several things wrong with that offer."

"Like what?"

"For starters, you're wearing my brother." Dean said flatly, "And I don't do incest. Despite what some others may think." he muttered with a shiver, thinking of that one internet site Sam had found.

Michael inclined his head, that reasoning was acceptable. Humans had rather strict beliefs in regards to blood relatives and sexual relationships.

"For two, I'm already Bonded." Dean said as there was a flutter of sound and then Michael's littlest brother was sitting calmly at the hunter's side.

"Castiel." Michael said in welcome and Castiel bowed his head in return.

"Brother."

Michael looked at them both, saw the way Dean inched his hand toward Castiel's for the angel to hold and sighed. "Very well then. It appears you both are happy in the arrangement you have and I have no desire to ruin that."

His brother and his vessel look surprised to hear him say that but also pleased and Michael allowed himself to feel pride in them both before sobering.

"I only wish I did not have to listen to Lucifer's bragging once he Bonds with Samuel."

Dean scowled. "What? The devil is trying to Bond with my brother!" he moved to stand but Castiel pulled him gently back down by the hand.

"Relax, Dean. Even if Lucifer tries to force Sam into a Bond it will not work. His existing Bond with Gabriel will cancel all efforts Lucifer makes." Castiel explained reassuringly and Dean thought about it for a moment before sighing and leaning against the angel.

Michael lifted a brow and looked at Castiel. "Gabriel has Bonded to Samuel?"

"Yes."

"Huh." Michael said after a moment. "Well, I wish you both a good evening."

And just like that, the archangel was gone and Dean let out a whoosh of breath. "What the Hell was that all about?"

Castiel shrugged and shook his head. "I have always found archangels most difficult to understand."

"Yeah, you're not the only one. I don't know how Sammy puts up with Gabriel." Dean mutters and pokes sadly at his remaining pie, which has long gone cold.

"Would you like a new plate of pie?" Castiel offers and Dean smiles brightly.

"I would love that, Cas."

When Michael and Lucifer meet back up they spend a few minutes staring at each other before Michael sighed. "Well, that was a bust."

"Yup." Lucifer muttered.

Michael shifted, looking uncomfortable and Lucifer blinked. "Let's go to Hershey Park." he blurted, almost involuntarily.

A moment of silence, then Michael shrugged. "Alright, yeah, sure."

Lucifer blinked, "Really?"

"Well, why not? Might as well enjoy what we've decided not to destroy." he said and Lucifer smiled.

Michael stepped toward Lucifer, lifted a hand and touched his cheek. A warm rush tingled over the devil's skin and he gasped then Michael was moving away, grinning softly.

Lucifer looked down at his hand, the skin clean and unblemished.

"We can't have you going around and scaring people anymore, can we?" Michael said and Lucifer laughed.

"Very true, Michael."

"So, what is this Hershey Park you were talking about?"

Lucifer blinked and shrugged. "I don't know, I figured you would. You sounded like you knew what it was when I mentioned it."

"Huh." Michael thought for a moment. "So, who do we know that does?"

Lucifer slowly grinned.

And that was how Team Free Will became six members strong. Well, at least now the world was only screwed in a more figurative sense. That poor, poor Impala.