Stephenie Myers owns all things Twilight.

I own -shoot I can't think of anything clever... let me know for the next chapter some ownership suggestions.

"What If?" Coldplay

What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That's the risk that you take

She is gone when I wake up groggy and sleep is stuck in my eyes. I roll over quickly to check the alarm. Damn I'm late. I take a moment to inhale her scent from the pillow, and then rush to the shower.

As I lather up my hands, I think back to our night together and instantly harden. I rub my chest and arms while avoiding my groin, but the call is too strong. After several pumps and twists, I'm relieved and somewhat sated.

My pager is beeping and I know my staff are wondering where I am. I dress quickly and head out, grabbing a McMuffin on my way to the hospital.

My day is busy and I don't have time to reflect on last night until I am driving home. You were beautiful and so tentative at first. The way you wanted me to control and dominate you was such a turn on.

As the house comes into view, I wonder if she is home. No car in the garage affords me the luxury of trying to compose myself before I'm face to face with her.

Just as I'm trying to look in the fridge for some sort of dinner I can fix, she pulls in. I wait at the door feeling the need to hug her; an attempt to connect with her. As much as I enjoyed last night sexually with you, there was no love, no emotional connection, and no lovemaking.

Making dinner is a tense affair and I feel the conversation struggling to survive. It used to flow so easy. She couldn't wait for me to get home- like I was enough for her. But now, I feel like I have to fight for any moment we spend together.

It hurts me to see her eyes light up when she talks with anyone but me. If she would just touch me… reassure me… so I would know she still wants me.

She leaves to go out with her friend and I search the internet for more hotels. Why is it that fucking is so hot with you, but what I want from her is love making?

My pager calls me back to the one place where the rules are still the same; where I know what should happen, and where I am confident in myself. The hospital is not only where I can heal others but has become my personal healing ground too.

I leave her a note and hope she'll be up when I get back. We need to talk soon about what is going on. She seems even more distant. Like a raft floating out to sea each wave taking it a little further away.

The drive to the hospital is short, but I think about the handcuffs I used last night on you and remember you mentioning nipple clamps in one of our emails. The urge to see you is overwhelming and remembering your need to be dominated, I decide I'm willing to risk meeting up again. I text you when and where, and order you to wear the clamps. I hope- with shaky breath- you respond.

The night is busy and I don't get another chance to check my phone until I'm heading home. I feel my heart start to pound as I see the blinking light.

Yes.

I push the opener and hope the garage door doesn't wake her. I try to change my clothes quietly and slip softly into bed without disturbing her. However, there is a secret side to me that hopes she will wake up and we can make love. It's been too long. I still want her but am not sure how to tell her anymore. I curl myself around her and sigh. Even if our hearts don't fit, our bodies still do, just like puzzle pieces.

I lay in bed wondering where our "oneness" went. We used to be on the same page about everything. Our friends envy how close we are, but they don't see behind closed doors. It's been rough keeping up the facade when I am breaking down inside.

I know I have blown it big this time; she wanted me to spend time with her, but I had commitments at the hospital. The cheesy quote is true: you don't realize what you got until it's gone. A common quote that never meant anything to me before has come true and it angers me that I let this happen.

The sexting with you started up, and it was exciting and wonderful to feel that fire and passion again. The things you would say- suggest- it was new to me, it was exciting though if in all honesty it made me a little uncomfortable at first. There was the time you emailed me a picture of your breasts and the rush of seeing your perky nipples on the screen in front of me, took my breath away.

The sexually explicit texts contained things I'd never tried before, and perhaps thought were a little on the taboo side. Then, I would come home to an emotionally distant wife, which made the sexting something I looked forward to. I began visualizing all the more, what I could do to you, and have those things done to me.

I know she feels my erection as I hold her because her breathing slows too much. She turns towards me and offers "you can have a quickie if you want." I feel torn, the way she says 'you' and not 'we.' I want her to participate, not just take her to get off quickly. I don't want a quickie! That's all we have these days. It's as if she feels like she knew I would need this, but doesn't want it.

Nevertheless, I do need this. I want this with her, but now it is just to have a release. I need this to have a personal connection. I try to kiss her, but she turns away "My breath is not..."

"I don't care. I love kissing you," I say, but she just tries to nuzzle into my neck avoiding my lips that seek yours.

Fuck That!

I'm angry now, and I pull her boy shorts down probably too aggressively, but if a quickie is what she want that's what I'll give her. I push into her and she moans. I often wonder theses days if it's a real sound from feeling or if it's fake for my benefit I pump in and out trying to remember the good times, but all my mind can produce is you saying "I want you in my mouth."

God, I so want to come, but the images and emotions are tangled up. My brain is working so hard that all the blood is flowing to it, and leaving my erection. I roll off her. "I don't think it's going to happen tonight," I say. I hear her deep breaths, and know she will take this as another rejection from me.

I kiss her cheek to reassure her. "I'm just tired, love," I say. But the reality is if there were love involved, with small touches, kisses, and foreplay, I wouldn't last long. I would fill her… with me.

We turn to our own side of the bed and I drift off. Wednesday can't come soon enough for me.

The rest of the week follows this pattern. She and I have moments of fun and laughter, but always tinged, at least on my part, with guilt. Knowing I seek the perverse attention you give me, while she is the one I love…

I'm not sure my heart can take it.

A/N Nipple clamps are next. Thats right I bolded it. If you have any experience with these please let me know what it was like. Your reviews are like getting some sexting – it makes me all squirmy inside.

Only a few more chapters left :)

/N I have 3 sexy ladies who make me so much better. I hope this time I spell their twitter names right :)

Suzie55 Thanks for my kick ass banner and for holding my hand through this. I love you!

Stephk0525 Thank you my friend for making me a better pre reader by how you pre read for me. Love you tons. Happy Birthday a day late :)

Robin my beta – when you said yes you didn't think it would be this much work. Thank you darling.

I'm on twitter Lemonmartinis