Title: Surprise
Author: Ptera Waters
Rating: PG-13
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Puck/Kurt
Genre: mpreg, romance, oneshot
Warning: slash, Puck mpreg
Spoilers: All aired episodes
Disclaimer: Glee is not mine, at all
Author Notes: Written for aprompt by ice-whisper in the LJ puckurt meme. You seemed bored, hon, so I wrote you an mpreg!
Summary: When Puck woke up in excruciating pain, he really didn't expect to be in labor. He hadn't even known he was pregnant.

Puck had been feeling off for a while, but he figured it was just bad luck and some of his classmates' serious lack of hygiene. Not that Puck was over-concerned with it, but at least he washed his hands after taking a dump, unlike some people he could mention. Seriously, high school was like a peter-dish of germs and it probably didn't help that Puck had a habit of making out with anyone who asked – except for Suzy Pepper, because ew.

He didn't think it was anything serious until he got these really nasty stomach cramps in the middle of the night. "Fuck," he muttered, getting out of bed and going to the bathroom, sure either the lunch ladies or his mother had given him food poisoning again. It wasn't his bowels. It kept getting worse.

"Jesus, mother-fuck!" he cried as he hobbled over to his mom's bedroom door and knocked, breathing slow to help ease the pain.

After knocking four or five times, Ruth came to the door and opened it, a furious expression on her face until she saw Puck. "Noah, what's wrong?"

"Don't-" he panted through gritted teeth, "-know, Ma. Lots of pain. Hospital?"

"Pssht," she scoffed until one of Puck's knees weakened and he went down, hitting the carpeted floor hard. "Okay, yeah," she agreed suddenly. "Hospital it is. Sarah! Wake up!"

Puck passed out sometime on the way and when he woke up, he was lying in a hospital bed, and there was bright light coming in from the window. Blinking a few times before he could focus, Puck looked around and saw his mom sitting in the chair beside his bed, dozing with her head down. He tried to sit up, but there was something wrong with his abs and when he pulled his hospital gown away, he found a long row of bandages cross-wise between his belly-button and his junk. What the fuck?

"Ma," he tried to call out, but his throat was sore and it took a few times clearing it before his voice would work. "Ma!"

"Hmm?" she asked, raising her head and blinking at Puck a few times before she said, "Oh, honey. You're awake."

"What happened? Did I have to have my what-cha-callit removed? Appendix?"

"Well," Ruth replied slowly, "you had something removed. Let me go get the doctor, because I know I just wouldn't explain this right…" As Puck's mom got up and walked away stiffly, Puck wondered what was wrong. She seemed more pissed off than sad, so he couldn't be dying. What, had they finally found that thumb tack he'd swallowed in eighth grade?

After a minute or two Ruth returned, following a doctor closely, like right up on his heels. The man, who was old, but younger than his mom, gave him a fake smile and said, "Welcome back, Mr. Puckerman. How are you feeling?"

"Uh, confused?" he replied. "What happened?"

"So…" the doctor said, crunching up his brows like he was expecting Puck to say something else. "You didn't know you were…?"

"What?" Puck asked. "What's going on?"

"Oh thank god!" Ruth sighed, sitting back down in her chair. "Here I was thinking you knew and you just didn't tell me, No-noh. I feel so much better."

"Well I don't!" Puck cried, trying to sit up again and failing. "What did you do to me?"

The doctor took a big breath and let it out as he stepped closer to Noah's bed, on the other side from where Ruth was sitting. "Noah. When you came into the hospital last night, you were in labor. We had to perform an emergency c-section."

"Huh?"

"You were pregnant."

"Um…" Puck muttered, looking back and forth from the doctor to his mom. "No I wasn't. In case you didn't notice, I'm a dude. It's like, impossible."

"It's possible for a few," the doctor insisted. "And a very small percentage of those capable ever sleep with men, so your condition was extremely rare. We're lucky you came in when you did, because-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Puck cried. "Hold up. I never slept with another guy. I mean…" Oh, wait. Shit. There was that party in New York where he was sort of flirting with Kurt Hummel and the dude dared him to do something and he didn't really remember much else. "Crap."

The doctor gave him a look as if to ask if Puck was done being in denial and then continued, "Like I was saying, if you hadn't come in, both you and your baby girl probably would have died of sepsis. It happens very often in cases where a male didn't know he was pregnant."

"Baby girl?" Puck asked, never really considering the possibility that along with the whole 'you were pregnant' thing there might have been an actual kid involved. "Is she…?"

"Quite premature," the doctor explained, "but doing well for her size. She's breathing on her own, which is the big hurdle to get over with premies. We're expecting very few further complications."

"No," Puck shook his head, everything feeling far too real. "No, you're giving me crap, aren't you? There's no way I have a daughter. No way."

Pressing his lips together, the doctor looked to Ruth, who sighed deeply and suggested, "Maybe if you just saw her, Noah. Can we bring him down to the NICU?"

The doctor nodded and said, "I'll have a nurse bring a chair and bring you over. Just be careful of the staples, Mr. Puckerman. Don't try to do too much too soon or you might pull one. I'll come check on you again this afternoon."

Through the whole process of waiting for the nurse and being helped into the chair, his lower abdomen throbbing, and being wheeled down the hall to where they kept the babies, Puck kept jumping back and forth between believing what the doctor had to say and thinking it was a complete crock of shit. How could he have missed being pregnant? Sure, he'd had the flu or food poisoning for a few weeks awhile ago and he'd been really tired, which meant he hadn't been doing cardio as often, which meant he'd put on something like ten extra pounds, most of it around his waist.

But his low-slung jeans had still fit and he'd taken to wearing his looser t-shirts and trying not to eat too much, even though he got sort of ravenous now and then. He figured he was just getting another growth-spurt, like the one that had brought him even with Finn for like, two months back in freshman year. It never occurred to him that he wasn't getting any taller.

Shit, maybe she was his.

No, she couldn't be.

When the nurse rolled him into a dimly-lit room full of plastic baby-pod-incubators and stopped his chair in front of one of them, Puck took one look at the tiny pink figure in the box, catching the shape of her scrunched-up nose and the set of her brow and he knew. He knew she was his, without a fucking doubt.

Tears in his eyes because of all the powerful emotions flooding through him, Puck looked up at his mom and asked, "What do I do?"

Ruth just put her hand on his shoulder and shook her head, like she didn't know either.

Well, fuck.

Later that day, when Puck was sitting in his uncomfortable wheelchair next to his daughter's incubator, insisting to the nurse he was fine and didn't need to go back to bed, a pair of heads appeared through the window in the door. In unison, both Finn's and Kurt's mouths dropped and then Finn waved him over. Grateful for the week they'd spent in wheelchairs sophomore year, Puck wheeled his way easily out of the room, looking up at his glee-mates and asking, "What are you doing here?"

"Glee club heard you were in the hospital," Finn explained.

Kurt took over, eyes wide as he dropped down to crouch beside Puck's chair and say, "We came to give you this get well card," he handed over an envelope, "but your mom said you'd had your appendix out. What are you doing up here?"

Instead of answering the question, Puck took the card from Kurt, sneering at the glitter pouring out of the envelope, which was probably Rachel's doing, and asked, "How did you find me?"

"You weren't in your room, so we came over here to look at the babies," Finn replied. "Whose kid were you staring at?"

Looking around to make sure no one was listening in, Puck caught Finn's eye and insisted, "You can't tell anyone, Hudson. You either, Hummel. Got it?"

"Sure," Kurt promised, while Finn held out his fist for Puck to bump, which he did.

Sighing, Puck admitted, "She's mine. Like, I thought I was dying or whatever, but it turns out: surprise baby. Seriously, dudes. You can't tell anyone I was pregnant."

"What?" Finn asked, looking to Kurt like he would have the answers.

Kurt just said, "That's impossible, Puck. Whose baby is that, really?"

"Mine, alright!" Puck shouted back, rolling away from them even though Finn was blocking his way back into the NICU and so he had to go down the hall, back to his room. Despite his glaring back at them every once in a while, both guys followed Puck back to his room. He saw his chart hanging on the end of his bed, so he grabbed it and shoved it at Kurt, "See?"

"What does it say?" Finn asked as Kurt flipped through the pages, crinkling his brow in an effort to understand what the doctors had written down.

"It's mostly code," Kurt concluded, "but I do see a few references in here to 'Baby Puckerman' and there's two bracelets on Puck's wrist."

Looking down, Puck saw that Kurt was right. How had Puck missed that? "What does it mean?" Puck asked, squinting at the small lettering on both bands.

"It's to match you up with the baby so they don't send her home with the wrong person," Kurt explained. "Don't you remember how Quinn had one?"

Puck shook his head. He didn't remember. All he remembered was staring at his daughter for hours on end until his mom made him say goodbye to her forever and go home.

Finn broke into his thoughts then, saying, "Wait. If Puck had a baby inside him, who put it there? I mean, I know I'm not an expert or anything, but I'm pretty sure you need two people to make a kid."

Puck didn't mean to, but he met Kurt's eyes briefly before he could make himself look away. Kurt gasped.

"What?" Finn asked.

Speaking very carefully, Kurt said, "Would you give us a moment alone, Finn?"

"Why?"

"Just…" Kurt complained and then like magic, Finn did it. He shrugged and left the room, closing the door behind him while Kurt stared at his shoes and Puck tried not to stare at Kurt.

"It can't be," Kurt insisted. "I mean, I don't actually remember doing that with you."

"I don't either," Puck replied. "The whole post-Nationals alcohol haze made sure of that."

"Are you sure you haven't…"

"Kurt," Puck argued, "do I look like the kind of guy that lets random dudes fuck him? I'm pretty sure you're the only one."

Kurt shook his head and laughed a little. "God, what a mess." Puck nodded and they sat in silence for a few moments before Kurt asked, "Does she have a name?"

"Not yet. I haven't had much time to think of one."

Nodding, Kurt said, "No, I guess you haven't. Um…" he paused for a moment, not quite meeting Puck's eyes. "Um, are you keeping her? 'Cause if you weren't you could just let-"

"Fuck that," Puck cried. "She's fucking mine. I'm not giving her up."

"What are you going to say," Kurt asked, sitting down in a chair next to Puck's bed, "when people ask you where she came from?"

"Dunno," Puck replied. "Maybe just that I knocked up some chick and she left the kid with me? It's much more believable than what actually happened."

"Yeah," Kurt chuckled a little humorlessly, "people won't be able to get past the fact that you and I… Much less that you were pregnant without realizing it."

Kurt looked a little sad, so Puck asked, "Did you…? I mean I know we all just found out and everything, but did you want to, like, meet her?"

Wide-eyed, Kurt stayed still with his mouth open a little before he nodded silently. "Unless… I don't want to if you're just going to take her away again."

"Dude," Puck replied, hating the way people always thought the worst of him. "I wouldn't do that. Not after the way Quinn… Shit. I mean, there's no fucking way I'd do that to you."

"Okay."

Kurt was pretty sure he was dreaming. It was a complicated and involved dream, but weren't they all when you were still in them? He sent Finn to the cafeteria for something green (knowing him, Finn would come back with a can of Mountain Dew) and then pushed Puck's chair back toward the NICU. A nurse met them at the door and said, "Parents only."

"It's cool," Puck insisted. "This is the other dad. His name is Kurt." Kurt really hadn't expected him to confess to that fact and he wondered how much he would really be allowed in the baby's life if Puck didn't want anyone to know he'd had a single drunken gay moment at a party.

"Oh," she nodded, directing them to a sink. "Please wash your hands and then put these smocks and caps on. It will protect your baby from getting sick."

They did as they were told and then Puck let the nurse wheel him back toward the incubator Kurt had seen him staring into before. Kurt hadn't really seen the baby through the window and now that he had a better look, he was suddenly reminded of all the pictures his dad had taken of him as a newborn. "She's beautiful," Kurt said softly, "but very small."

"Six weeks early," Puck explained, pressing his nose and one fingertip against the plastic. "God, I hope I haven't messed her up for life. I'm just glad that after the party in New York Schue reinstated the drinking ban. Haven't had more than a couple beers since then."

"Good," Kurt replied, taking a chance and putting his hand on Puck's shoulder. He wasn't quite sure where to go from here, how to tell Puck that he and Blaine had technically been on a break since the first week of school, or how to ask whether seeing this baby made Puck want him as much as Kurt wanted Puck. He probably didn't. They're thing was a stupid screw up because Puck was straight and both he and Kurt were technically dating other people when it happened. When Puck raised his free hand and put it over Kurt's on his shoulder, Kurt's heart skipped a beat but he knew better than to get his hopes up.

Besides, he was dreaming. When he woke up, Kurt was going to feel stupid for obviously crushing on another one of his straight friends now that things with Blaine were unsettled.

"Can we hold her?"

The nurse shook her head at Kurt's question. "Maybe in a few days. We want to make sure she's stable before moving her. You understand."

"Of course," Kurt nodded, even as he felt his stomach sink. He was going to wake up before he got the chance to hold his daughter and get a really good look at her. It wasn't fair.

"You can touch her, though," the nurse added, "if you want. Be gentle and I'm sure she'll appreciate the contact."

Checking with Puck first, who nodded, Kurt reached into the incubator and brushed the soft, dark hair on the baby's head. Bowled over by the power of the feeling, Kurt began to cry, wiping the tears away on the sleeve of his smock as he continued petting his daughter's hair.

They named her Eve, since it was the only name they could agree on, and she was still in the hospital when Puck had to go back to school. As he hobbled up to his locker, wincing every time a staple pulled a little wrong, Sam came up and clapped him on the back.

"Hey, Puckerman! How's that appendix? Gonna keep you from playing for awhile longer?"

"I'm out for the season," Puck replied, still stinging over the doctor's announcement as Puck was getting ready to leave the hospital. "No contact sports for six months."

"Man, that sucks!" Sam sighed, leaning against the locker next to his. "Of all the times to have your appendix go wonky! If we make it to playoffs there's bound to be a scouting agent or two at the games. I know that's the only way I'm going to be able to pay for college next year."

"Probably not going," Puck shrugged, looking at the wall clock over his shoulder and working out that he still had seven hours before he could go see his kid. Ruth had said he could count on her for cash until he graduated, but then he had to get a full time job to support his kid. He hadn't really asked Kurt what his plans were for after this year. Mostly they just sat in the NICU silently, staring at the life they'd accidentally made together. He was probably going to college with that boyfriend of his, wasn't he?

First period Puck had English, which he normally slept through. Today he spent the whole hour staring at the back of Kurt's head. Why would Puck sleep with him? Why would they do it like that? Puck had thought he was done doing stupid stuff on dares. Why would Kurt even dare him…?

"I don't get it, Kurt," Puck said, sloppy with alcohol and throwing his arm around the kid's shoulders. "I mean, why wouldn't you want to mack on someone like that?" He pointed to Brittany, who was dancing like a stripper on top of the table in front of him. "I mean, seriously, you don't like boobs at all?"

"No!" Kurt replied, his voice loud so he could be heard over the music. "I mean, I can appreciate what they do for a woman's form, but I don't want to touch them or anything."

"And why would you want to suck face with another dude? I mean, whatever floats your boat, but I just don't get it…"

"Don't knock it 'till you've tried it, Puckerman," Kurt shot back. "And knowing you, that's never gonna happen. Can we talk about something else?"

"What do you mean, knowing me? I could kiss a guy if I wanted to. I'm badass, man!" Puck replied, wondering why his tongue felt so numb.

Kurt laughed loudly and insisted, "No, you wouldn't. You're too afraid of what everyone would think."

"Is that a dare?" Puck cried, standing up and pointing his finger at Kurt. "Did you just challenge my badassness, Hummel?"

"Oh, I totally did," Kurt nodded, turning away and bringing his drink to his lips again. He spilled the drink when Puck grabbed him by the back of the collar and dragged Kurt through the connecting doors and into the girls' room, which was dark and quiet compared to the party room. "What are you doing?"

"No one challenges me and gets away with it," Puck replied, pushing Kurt up against the wall and smashing their lips together. It was messy and sloppy and not all that great until Kurt took control of the kiss, pushing Puck back against another wall and taking his head in both hands. After a minute, Puck pulled back breathless and asked, "Jesus fucking Christ, Hummel, where did you learn to kiss like that?"

"Brittany," Kurt shrugged, pulling away. "Are we done? Is your badassness satisfied?"

"Fuck, no," Puck decided, tugging Kurt back toward him. This felt too good to give up now.

Kurt was still waiting to wake up three weeks later when Eve got out of the hospital, swaddled in a pink blanket and buckled into her very-much-used seat in Ruth Puckerman's car. Noah sat in the back, next to the baby, while Kurt took the passenger seat in front, turning to Puck's mom and saying, "Thanks for letting me be here for this. You didn't have to…"

"Please," Ruth replied, rolling her eyes as she pulled out of the hospital parking lot. "It was Noah's idea. He wants to make sure you're not left out."

Kurt looked over the seat at Puck, who was staring at his daughter with this slight smile on his lips, and said, "Thanks." Puck didn't seem to hear, too wrapped up in stroking Eve's cheek and belly. She was doing well now, eating from a bottle and breathing without difficulty. Kurt still worried about her. He had to. There was just no choice.

Back at the Puckerman house, Noah gently took the baby out of her carrier and held her close to his shoulder as they got inside and went up to Puck's room, where there was a bassinette sitting next to his bed and baby things thrown haphazardly around the room. Kurt thought maybe Puck would put her down in the bassinette to rest his arms, but he just sat in his desk chair and held her close.

At Kurt's questioning glance, Puck shrugged and said, "I spent so long not being able to pick her up. I wanna hold her while I can."

Kurt nodded with a chuckle and sat on the foot of the bed, watching them and still waiting to wake up.

Eventually he asked, "What happens now? I mean, you still have school and…"

"One of my mom's friends is gonna look after her during the day," Puck replied with a little laugh. "She fuckin' changed my diapers when I was a baby, too. The rest of the time, I've got her."

"I want to help," Kurt insisted, watching as she squirmed a little bit in Puck's arms and woke up.

Puck frowned and said, "I think she's getting hungry. Here, you wanna help? Hold her while I go make the formula."

Kurt took the baby in his arms carefully and looked into her dark blue eyes, cooing at her until she stopped whimpering in displeasure and looked up at him. Holy crap. Kurt's heart tore in his chest when he realized, finally, that this wasn't a dream. It was real. Eve was his daughter and always would be. In an instant, his after-graduation plans changed.

While Puck was gone, Kurt's phone dinged with another text, probably from Blaine, who had been trying to get a hold of him for the past couple weeks and just hadn't taken Kurt's silence as a no. Kurt ignored him. He didn't matter. This little bundle in his arms was what mattered.

When Puck got back up to his room to see Kurt lying out on his bed, playing with the baby beside him, something in Puck shifted. He wasn't quite sure what until he was next to the bed, watching Kurt smile up at him, and then leaning down to kiss the boy on the lips, their daughter reaching up from below and grabbing Puck's shirt in a tight grip.

"What was that for?" Kurt breathed as Puck leaned back and set the bottle on his nightstand before taking Eve in his arms and laying her down in the crook of his elbow.

Puck shrugged and sat down against the headboard, picking up the bottle with his free hand and offering it to his daughter, who took it eagerly. "Thanks, I guess."

"For what?"

"For being here," Puck replied, watching as Eve's eyes slid shut and she made contented little noises. "For knocking me up."

Kurt laughed softly and sat up next to Puck, resting his chin on Puck's shoulder and watching the baby eat. Puck didn't even mind. In fact, he turned his head and kissed the boy again, because he could.