Title: You're Dysfunctional!

Summary: I, Alex Brady, just signed up for the biggest mistake of my life. Now I have to take care of an perverted Frenchman, a gender-neutral chibi thing, and a trigger happy chocolate lover for a full year! Inspired by LolliDictator's manual guides.

Chapter One: You're a Pervert!

I took one look at the manual that was thrusted in my hands only a few moments ago, and died right there on the spot.

I kept quiet as a delivery man, who had some weird green bunny thing with wings on his uniform, brought in a few wooden boxes and set them in my living room. He had already gotten my signature, and when he was done with the boxes, began towards the door to leave.

"You'll get your next unit in around two or three business days," he stopped at the door way and yawned tiredly, as if he had done this so many times before. "Just remember, you keep whoever you got for a full year before we come to get them. If you have any questions refer to your manual or call Customer Service. Thank you for choosing Flying Mint Bunny Express."

He left and when he was finally gone, I snapped out of my daze, finally realizing what I had gotten myself into.

"S-so this wasn't a joke," I finally croaked out, looking up from the manual to the giant box, and a few more boxes, only smaller, infront of me. "I didn't think this would actually happen."

The delivery man that had been here a few minutes ago was long gone by now, so I couldn't ask if he could take it back.

"He probably wouldn't believe that I did this on the impulse of a dare anyways," I sighed, remembering the night my friend, Keli, found a website giving away these Unit things for free. As a dare, I signed up and soon, I got an email saying my first Unit would be at my house in a few buisness days. Me, being the skeptical person I am, thought it was all a joke and forgot all about it.

Until now.

And oh no, these are not any ordinary Units, but Hetalia Units, which made everything all the better.

There was a list that I could have gotten. There was France, Prussia, Russia, America, Canada, Switzerland, Korea, China, England, and lets not forget, Italy. Out of all those possibilities, there was a 4/10 chance I got one would rape me, another 4/10 chance I would get one that could kill me, 1/10 chance I would get Italy, he's the only one who has a category named after himself, because you know that being 'Italy' is enough for words, and only a 1/10 chance I got a normal one.

I prayed to God I got Canada. That's where my 1/10 chance of getting someone normal was headed, so please, let it be him.

Closing my eyes, I opened the front cover. Slowly, I peeked one eye open and in big, black, bold font was this: Francis Bonnefois: User Guide and Manual.

I swear, right then and there, I began to cry. You had to be kidding me, right?

"No, no, no!" I practically screamed a the booklet. "I cannot have him!" I shook my head in frustration. I was going to have to live with a pervert? A French pervert non the less! I'm a 24 year old girl, who lives alone, thats just not safe in my books!

Quickly skipping half the manual to the FAQ's, I began to read what they said.

"If he molests me, there's nothing they can do? Your kidding me! I never signed any wai-" I stopped. That paper on the clipboard I signed earlier! It was probably a waiver, not a paper for a delivery!

Damn, those people are smart.

Sighing, I realized there was no way I was going to get out of this without calling customer service, which I really didn't feal like doing since I rarely ever got to talk to a real person. I flipped back towards the front of the manual and read what it said.

'CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of your very own FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit! Please take this time to remember the waiver you signed upon ordering this unit: we, the makers of this manual, are not to be held responsible for any bodily or emotional harm your new unit subjects you to. For your personal safety, we have enclosed this manual, and suggest you read it to avoid any unwanted contact with your unit'

Yeah, thanks for telling me this now you good for nothing manual! I flipped to the next page and read what was on it as well. "So, he'll reply to anything? Good, he better get used to replying to pervert, because i'm not calling him anything else."

He's only 26? Thats two years older than me, so that means that I'm not going to be the oldest person in the house anymore. Well, I'm the only person in this house, but still! I liked being the oldest.

I flipped the page and saw that he already came with a few accessories. An army uniform, ('That so won't stand out if he ever wants to get out of the house.') a chief outfit and hat, a Pierre, ('Was that the small bird he had? Or was that Prussia? God, I have got to watch Hetalia again, don't I?') and one copy of 'How To Stop the French From Invading Your Bed.

At least the book came in handy. Obviously I don't want a pervert like him in my bed.

Flipping the page, yet again, there were a lists of jobs he could take on. I decided to save those for later and flipped to the next page. God, I was doing alot of that. Stupid manual's and their constant page turning!

The next page came in handy. It was titled 'Removal of your Francis Bonnefois from Packaging.'

"Okay, let me see. Play 'La Marseillaise' or if I speak French, I should sing it..." I looked around for my laptop, spotting it on the kitchen table. "So there's that option. Number two is to cook French food. That one can go, I'm not that good at cooking. I don't get number three at all, and number four is so out of the question." Sighing, I went to retreive my laptop. "Play 'La Marseillaise' it is then."

A few minutes later, I had the video up and my laptop set up next to the box. I clicked the play button and the music began.

"Allons enfants de la Patrie
Le jour de gloire est arrivé !
Contre nous de la tyrannie
L'étendard sanglant est levé
Entendez-vous dans nos campagnes
Mugir ces féroces soldats?
Ils viennent jusque dans vos bras.
Égorger vos fils, vos compagnes!"

By the third or second verse, I could have sworn I heard singing coming from the box. That was later confirmed with a very loud cheer. Taking that as my cue, I opened the box to reveal a blonde with should-length blonde hair and light blue eyes. He was singing the lyrics, in French of course, but stopped when he saw me.

Then he gave me a smile that one could compare to a rape face. "Ah, bonjour manquer! Vous regardez très belle, ma chère," he purred, winking. I shuddered.

"Essayez et mourir," I growled back. He held his hands in the air defensively. Thank god I learned something from Keli's stupid French homework that she makes me help her with. Narrowing my eyes, I crossed my arms over my chest. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

He smiled at me again, this time his face softening from rape, to nice. "Mon amor, why did you not tell me you spoke Anglais?" He asked.

"You never asked. Why are you calling me your love?" I asked. He raised an eyebrow before gliding over to my side.

"I am Français, do I need an explination?" He pulled a rose out of his pocket and handed it to me. I stared at it before dropping it in discust.

"I guess not," I turned to him and gave him a fist, "but call me it one more time and your going back in that box."

"Honhonhon," he laughed, "but of course. What shall I call you then?"

"Alex, nothing more, nothing less, got it?" He nodded. "Good. Now, I'm going to go make some food, did you want anything specific?" I began to make my way into the kitchen, but I was stopped when Francis blocked the doorway.

"I'll make our food tonight," Francis said. "I'll make a dinner you'll never forget!" He then turned and blew me a kiss. I threw up a bit in my mouth. Once he left, I picked up some of the boxes that contained whatever he came with and dragged them into one of the two guest rooms.

Wiping the sweat from my forehead, I frowned. I was going to have to get him some more clothes. The food I had was only limited to feed one mouth, not two. This means I would have to go shopping.

I brought my hands to my face and groaned.

How long did that delivery guy say I was suppose to keep him for again?

;D I get bored very easily!

This is what I get for wanting to write something at like 12 at night on a school night.

This was all inspired by LolliDictator's manual guides, so thank her for this cracktastic wonderfulness I will call a story!

Reviews are nice!