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Chapter Eight - Risks

Eli woke up to the sounds of pots and pans clanking and as he tried to get up, he realized that his body and his mind were tired. He got a headache quickly and plopped back down on the couch clutching his head. The memories of the night flashed in his mind in little snippets.

Yelling at Marlena.

Scaring Clare.

Driving away.

Getting drunk.

And that girl.

"Shit," he groaned quietly, putting his hands on his face, remembering how angry Clare was when he came back. He tried to listen to any voices that could be coming from the kitchen but his head continued to pound and he couldn't focus on anything else.

Eli trudged his way to the first floor bathroom, thankfully located just around the corner, and he sat beside the toilet ready to vomit his terrible evening. After a few minutes and a few upchucks, he saw Clare standing at the doorway.

A towel was thrown at his lap. "Don't make a mess." Then Clare stormed off.

Eli spent the next fifteen minutes trying to make sure that he wouldn't get sick later on and he washed his mouth and face, dried off using the towel Clare threw at him, and trudged his way into the kitchen were Clare was cooking and Marlena was sitting at a stool.

The food Clare was cooking was making Eli nauseous, not because it was terrible, but the smell was so strong.

"If you throw up in here, I will never forgive you," Clare muttered to him as she stood at the stove.

"Noted," Eli groaned and grabbed himself some orange juice. He sat down on the opposite end of the island from Marlena who was drinking coffee and didn't look at her, only drinking his orange juice. A plate was then plopped down in front of him, a plate of pancakes, eggs, and bacon, and his stomach growled.

"Thank God," he said before diving in rather quickly and monstrously. He didn't realize how hungry he really was until then and he had finished his plate in less than five minutes.

"That was gross," Marlena commented as she laughed. "I'm sorry but I have never seen someone eat their food that…fast."

"Just getting started," Eli joked half-way and he saw Clare smirking to herself as she took his plate wordlessly and started to put more food on it. "You really don't have to do that Clare. I could get it myself."

"Yeah well even if you piss me off you're still a guest," she replied, the smile fading from her lips. Eli held his head down and ate the food, not saying another word hoping he wouldn't make Clare more mad. The kitchen was silent other than the cooking food and Eli's utensils clanking against his plate.

"Eli," Marlena said quietly. He looked up slowly. "I'm leaving today so…you don't have to worry."

Eli just went back to his food. "I know what I did to Julia was wrong," Marlena continued. "I didn't think what I did would have that big of an effect on her and I'm sorry. I know it must not have been easy to deal with—"

"Do you really know?" Eli cut her off. "Every, day, I listened to her cry herself to sleep."

He tried to calm himself down when Clare shot him a look and he gripped the countertop. "Can we…talk about this elsewhere?"

Marlena nodded and she and Eli went onto the porch. Eli stood near the stairs and Marlena sat down on a chair. "Helen was in bad shape," Marlena began. "After her own divorce, there wasn't one night when she didn't call me in tears. She kept saying 'He took Clare away' and that's what upset her the most. She…admitted that she wanted to kill herself at one point and I knew I couldn't leave her alone."

Eli gulped but kept his serious composure.

"You know that Julia's father and I never had a good relationship and I knew that I was the problem, not Julia. I didn't want her to see what could've happened if I stayed."

"What could've happened?" he asked.

Marlena shrugged. "He could've become abusive towards me. I knew he couldn't hurt Julia that way but to me, it could've happened. One night it got so bad that he almost did hit me but he managed to calm himself. You know what we fought about? I left the porch light on."

Eli gripped the wooden railing. He knew the relationship Julia's parents had but he never saw her dad that intense before. Maybe Marlena was right. She had no choice but to leave.

"I left to keep her safe," she said. "I don't know if you'll understand this but…he was going to get violent if I stayed. And one night…Helen said she wanted to stay here at The Moonlight and run this place and get her life together and I said why the hell not? I joined her after I sent Julia's dad divorce papers. But Helen never got her life together. I was out one day and came back to find this place trashed, she was gone, no note. Been trying to find her ever since."

"So why are you back here?"

"Clare's dad Randall told me that Clare was here for the summer so I thought I'd check in," she said sincerely. "The place looks a lot better than how Helen left it. She did a great job."

"You knew Helen before the divorce happened right?" Marlena nodded. "So you knew Clare?"

Marlena smiled to herself. "I did. She was the most…polite, intelligent little girl. Randall and Helen were so proud of her. They stayed together for her and her sister Darcy but it just got bad, like my marriage. But unlike me, Helen went to the bad stuff to console herself. It was a terrible sight to see."

Eli looks away, now both hands on the railing.

"Clare doesn't know the things her mother has done, Eli," Marlena tells him. "All she knows is that her parents' marriage fell apart and that Helen got into alcohol and drugs but…Helen was like this all along. She just hid it from Clare and her sister and that's why it was so easy for Randall to gain custody of Clare. Helen wanted her but there was no way she could have her. She left around the time of Clare's 16th birthday and I was so afraid that she had gone on a plane to Clare but Randall told me Helen wasn't there and Clare was here. I don't know where she is and I thought Clare maybe knew something but it's clear that she doesn't."

Marlena walked up to Eli and put a hand on his shoulder. "You are not the only one who's been through a lot, Eli. Clare…although she doesn't show it, she's easily broken. And as for Julia, none of it was your fault. It was mine and I take full responsibility for her actions. But how she died, you can't wallow in that forever."

"I'm not," Eli admitted.

"Fine," she replied. "But…I see guilt in your eyes."

Eli turned his head and stared at Marlena. She was Julia's clone. It was painful for Eli to see Julia's dark hair and eyes again, the same facial expression, the same height, the same everything but a bit older, on Marlena. Seeing Julia again, it was just painful.

"When you threatened to bring up what I did at thirteen…" Eli trailed off. "I couldn't relive that."

"I'm sorry for that, Eli, I was just upset," Marlena said sincerely. "I wouldn't have said anything, I swear."

"I know," Eli said, knowing deep down in was true. "I just didn't want Clare to hear any of that. She knows about Julia and she knows some more but not that."

"What more?"

"The reason Julia was on the street when a car hit her, we had a big fight about me cheating."

"You didn't…"

"No, no," Eli clarified quickly. "I never did. Somehow she got that idea in her mind and when I tried telling her the truth, she couldn't trust me."

"Because I…"

Eli nodded. "The girl she thought I was cheating on her with, she kind of…made herself Julia when Julia died and…I was so confused and hurt and I wanted Julia and I was manipulated into giving in. I gave into her and it began another downhill path for me."

"Who was she? Did I know her?"

"No, she and her family moved into the neighborhood after you left. Her name was…Imogen Moreno." Eli had trouble saying her name out loud again, knowing the things she'd put him through.

"Strange," Marlena commented. "The name, I mean, but also her character. You say she transformed herself into Julia?"

"Yeah, cut her hair, died it, bought new clothes, all that," Eli gulped. "She already had some similar features but…she really did change herself. She knew how much I missed Julia and like I said, I fell into that trap. I started dating her and had real feelings for her eventually and one day she came in with drugs and alcohol and I tried so hard not to do it but—"

"Since you've already done it, it's easier to get roped back in," Marlena finished for him. Eli dropped his head and held onto the railing for dear life.

"I-I can't," Eli stared at the small bag in Imogen's hand, already tempted.

"Yes you can," Imogen smiled. "It's not hard."

"I know that," Eli replied venomously. "But…"

"Live a little," she whispered in his ear. "Just live."

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he felt a little comforted. "So…I'm guessing things didn't work out well."

"I almost killed my best friend," Eli told her and Marlena gasped. "Remember Adam?"

"Lanky, freckles, ate a lot?"

Eli almost laughed. "Yeah, that's him. He was pissed about what I was doing, knowing my past, and we were yelling about Imogen and I snapped. Eventually I got into rehab again, cut Imogen out of my life but she came back."

"And?"

"Hooked up with her a few times, she got pregnant, had an abortion behind my back, and here I am."

"Eli—"

"I'm not looking for sympathy," he told her.

"I'm not giving you any," Marlena countered. "But you have to know that you are a good person for coming back from under the influence. You survived twice. People made mistakes but you changed yourself again. You are not a bad person."

"So why do I feel like Imogen getting rid of my child was just karma? Why do I feel like I don't deserve to be happy?"

"Because what has happened in your life was all hard to deal with that you've convinced yourself that you can't be. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you. Julia would've wanted you to be happy and I know that it must have been terrible losing her and all of the things that happened with this Imogen girl, they don't define you."

"But that's all I can think about," Eli said intensely. "Except when…"

He turned his head towards the closed door of the inn and found himself wanting to smile. It was Clare who managed to change his focus. She was the first girl since Imogen to capture his attention and this time, she was genuine.

"Clare's a catch, isn't she?" Marlena smiled. Eli blushed and nodded his head. "She told me yesterday that she thought you were interesting."

Eli got nervous. "Interesting as in scary or as in intriguing?"

"Honestly both. But you can't blame her. You did have an outburst yesterday."

"Yeah, don't remind me."

"And she also said that running away from your problems doesn't solve anything."

He looked up. "Did she mean me or her mom?"

"Both."

Eli sighed deeply. "I guess it's true. Never really confronted Imogen."

"Has she tried to contact you?"

"Several times."

"You have to confront her if you want to feel better. I know that can't be said for Julia but this girl turned your life upside down. You have to tell her how you feel."

"Now?"

"Maybe not now but, soon."

Soon, Marlena was putting back her suitcase into her car and Eli watched on the porch as she and Clare said their goodbyes. When the car drove away, Clare stood watching it and Eli waited for her. Finally when she started walking back into the inn, Eli wanted her to look at him but she merely pushed past him and walked back inside.

Eli followed her and found her dumping things into a trashcan from the fridge.

"I…I kissed someone else last night," Eli confessed.

The only sound heard were things being dumped into the trash.

"I feel really bad about it," Eli continued. "But—"

"We're not together," Clare said shortly.

"I know," Eli said. "But I really do like you and—"

"And what?" Clare sighed, not looking away from the fridge. "You'll be leaving anyways and I'll be leaving to so what's the point?"

"The points is," Eli started and grabbed Clare from her position on the floor. "I like you, Clare and I'm willing to take any risks of just being able to be with you. I am risking my heart and my mind once again but I like you so much and I can't stand the feeling of not even trying."

"Well maybe you can start with telling me what happened what happened when you were thirteen."

Eli sat her down on the couch, the one where they shared their first kiss, and told her the whole story. He had met a few people who were seniors in high school when he went to a party and they convinced him to try a "few new things." He did try them and quickly got addicted, not fully realizing the effects they'd have on his mind and body. It was a mixture of coke and other drugs, he sold a lot of his things to buy the drugs, and eventually Bullfrog and Cece found out.

"So, because of that addiction before, it was easier for you to get addicted again," Clare said, not looking at Eli at all.

"Exactly."

"You were thirteen, you-, I didn't even know about coke when I was thirteen," she said in disbelief.

"Lucky," Eli joked a bit. "I know I did a lot of bad things in my past and I got better from drugs twice and I'm proud of myself for that."

"Well I'm proud of you too but that doesn't really mean anything."

Eli took Clare's hands into his. "It means everything."

Clare finally looked at him and he was saddened at the fact that she had tears in her eyes. He wanted to wipe them away but he thought he might be pushing it if he'd gotten that close to her.

"Why are you crying?" he asked softly.

"I didn't realize how much you've actually gone through and here I am, thinking I have the right to be mad."

Eli brought Clare closer, allowing her to lean her head onto his chest, and he just held her close. "You do have the right to be mad. I was a total ass yesterday and I wasn't being rational. Just seeing Marlena brought all of the hurt back from losing Julia and I blew up. I'm sorry if I scared you and I'm sorry for running. I just do that really well."

They spent a few moments in silence until Clare piped up. "If we get together, we'll only end up hurting each other."

"What makes you say that?" Eli asked. He brought Clare to sit over his lap so he could look at her as she spoke.

"Like I've said before, you're gonna go back home, I'm going to Chicago, it's not going to work. And…I like you too much not to try but long distance rarely works out."

"Clare," he sighed, lifting her chin up. "I am willing to take all risks for you. We have all summer but we can have more than that."

"I want more than that," she admitted, lacing her fingers with his.

"Okay. So we'll take a risk," he said. "I really do like you Clare. I'm willing to do anything to make it work. I'll move to Chicago after I graduate high school if I have to."

"Whoa," Clare laughed. "We'll take this one step at a time."

"Okay," Eli leaned in slowly, asking for permission, and smiled against her lips when she leaned up the rest of the way. They rested their foreheads against each others, staying in the same position for a good amount of time.

After the long day, they each went to their separate rooms around midnight after a steam goodnight kiss in the hallway between their rooms. Eli had wanted to spend the night with her but Clare claimed to be punishing him for kissing someone else the night before. So pouting, he watched as Clare closed her door on him.

He sat in his bed, thinking about what Marlena had told him. "You have to confront her if you want to feel better. I know that can't be said for Julia but this girl turned your life upside down. You have to tell her how you feel."

Eli needed to get his anger and feelings out towards the girl who literally turned his life upside down. He could be kicking himself the next morning but he turned his phone back on. He pressed the call button with difficulty and held the phone to his ear.

"Imogen, we need to talk."