Title: Soulmate

Author: Keir

Rating: T for swearing/harsh language and sexual suggestion

The Gist of Things: If there was just one thing Kyou could wish for, it would be for someone to love him, but that is something that exists in the realm of impossibilities. The only thing he can do is watch Haru and Yuki with covetous eyes.

A/N: Kind of depressed/bummed lately. Decided to finish up this Kyou-centric songfic that's been sitting on my harddrive for ages. The song is Natasha Bedingfield's "Soulmate;" disclaimer that I don't own or have anything to do with the song.

"italics" = song lyrics

"Incompatible; it don't matter, though,

'cause someone's bound to hear my cry.

Speak out if you do;

You're not easy to find."

It was stupid of him to think about the same thing over and over, he knew, but it gnawed at his mind. For some reason it seemed to cloud his thoughts at every turn. He tried to put it aside and called the other man's name again as he trudged through the thick leaf fall on the street, orange and red and golden. And dejected, sad, crumpled brown. His shoe kicked up another splash of fall leaves, fingers fidgeting in the pockets of his jacket.

What did it matter, anyway? Life just was what it was without any explanation or meaning. It was just made more annoying by all the little things that got under your skin.

Kyou called the name again, ready to give up. He would have, too, if the person he was searching for wasn't his cousin. It wasn't like he cared; the other man always turned up. Eventually. People were staring at him in curiosity or annoyance as he disturbed their window shopping with his shouts. He averted his eyes. It wasn't like he cared about what anyone around him thought, anyway.

He took another deep breath and closed his eyes, shutting everything else out as he bellowed the name for the umpteenth time. "Haru!"

"Oh. Kyou."

The cat turned to find the younger male standing behind him with a little smile on his face. A thick red and brown scarf was wrapped around his neck, a gift from Tohru, and his coat looked warm and expensive. Kyou could tell by the designer quality that Yuki had probably bought it for the ox. The orange-haired man itched at feeling so inadequate in his ragged jacket. He fingered the hole in the left pocket.

Hatsuharu chuckled, oblivious to the cat's discomfort, and held up a leaf next to the older man's hair. "A perfect match," he teased as the two oranges blended together.

Kyou ducked away, frowning. "Where the hell have you been?"

"I saw something in the window that I thought Yuki might like, and then suddenly everyone was gone."

"That's because we kept walking, you idiot," the cat grumbled. "I've been looking for you for fifteen minutes. Let's go." He turned, glanced over his shoulder. "Stay close, you fat cow, so you don't get lost again."

"Is it possible Mr. Loveable

Is already in my life?

Right in front of me,

Or maybe you're in disguise."

Kyou stirred more cream into his coffee, which had turned from toffee to caramel to beige the more he dumped in. He leaned back in the booth, pressing himself against the wall so he could avoid touching Tohru, who sat next to him. He sipped carefully and let the hot liquid scorch his tongue. He wanted nothing more than to be outside in the chilly weather, smelling the fading leaves on crisp air. He wanted nothing more than to be out of the restaurant and away from people to clear his mind.

Hatsuharu and Yuki were sneaking glances at each other with little smiles and brushes of shoulder against shoulder. They spoke with Tohru animatedly about the new apartment they had purchased together, about the moving day.

"Kyou, you'll be there, right?" the brunette asked him suddenly. He glanced up, face blank.

"The moving day," Hatsuharu reminded him. "We could really use another pair of hands, especially someone who can lift heavy furniture."

The cat shrugged, tried to press himself harder against the wall as those grey eyes looked straight at him. "Yeah, I guess. Whatever." He looked out the window again, anything to avoid that stare, and burned his mouth with more coffee. How stupid of him to have some silly, juvenile crush. How utterly useless to be hung up on it as a grown man.

It seemed to him that everyone was finding someone to be with lately. It seemed to him that he was the only person without a special someone.

But…

Maybe he was just displacing feelings, he reasoned with himself. He tried to convince himself that maybe it wasn't that he had his heart set on anyone; maybe it was just that he wanted someone all for himself, someone who could understand him, even a little bit. To accept him without fear the way no one had ever been able to. He supposed he was just jealous of the way Yuki and Haru seemed to fit so well together, like soulmates. Maybe that meant there was someone out there just for Kyou.

He snorted into his coffee mug, earning a questioning look from Yuki. His unoccupied hand was fingering the beads at his wrist, a nervous habit; he forced himself to stop. He turned away again, avoiding that scrutinizing amethyst gaze. How stupid of him. Dreams were just dreams, after all. Most of them were nightmares. He had come to find long ago that things in his world were either hot or cold with no in-between. Love just happened to be one of those cold things.

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold?

Who knows how to love you without being told?

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone."

Kyou felt all wound up, jittery inside, trapped. His leg bounced up and down interminably as useless chatter floated around him. His hand searched out the pack in his jacket pocket of its own volition before he remembered there was no smoking in the café. His fingers stroked the edge of the package as if it were a talisman.

He supposed he had begun smoking when he found out that Hatsuharu and Yuki were dating. The cigarette between his lips was somehow comforting, something real to hold onto. He remembered finding Shigure's abandoned pack in the kitchen; the dog must have left it there in a hurry when he discovered his editor was coming to visit. It had felt like the right thing to do, just him and a cigarette out back.

He had watched with covetous eyes that day as Yuki tilted his face up to receive Hatsuharu's kisses, pale hands placed gently on a slim waist. It seemed to him that the pair had been almost glowing in their love as they made out behind the school. He had realized guiltily that as he watched, he had almost let his eyes fall closed, lips quivering as he tried to understand what it might feel like to be kissed. It had shamed him into running away, back to the dog's house to find those abandoned cigarettes almost beckoning to him.

He smoked more, much more, later on. Packs and packs a day. It seemed to him that it was just stupid for the Cat to want someone to hold him like that, too.

Kyou turned in his seat, murmured a few words to the brunette next to him. She blinked in confusion but stood up to let him out of the booth nonetheless. His three companions looked at him quizzically and he made some excuse before throwing a few bills on the table.

"Ah, Kyou-kun, you only ordered coffee. This is too much!" Tohru protested, but the cat was already gone.

"Here we are again; circles never end.

How do I find the perfect fit?

There's enough for everyone,

But I'm still waiting in line."

Kyou flicked the lighter, flicked it again. "Damn it," he muttered around the cigarette between his lips, peering at the uncooperative object in the dark.

"Smoking causes cancer, you know," a voice said behind him.

The cat forced himself not to jump out of his skin in surprise. He glanced over his shoulder with a scowl and returned to trying to light his cigarette. Finally the flame lasted long enough and he drew in a scorching lungful of smoke. "What the hell do you two want?"

"We missed you at the housewarming party last week." The ox stepped up with the rat to stand next to their cousin on the subway platform. Kyou glanced down to see their gloved fingers entwined.

"I was working," the cat said gruffly, puffing harder on his cigarette. His shoulders ached from working at the construction site all day; they had him hauling chunks of concrete. All he wanted was to get home, curl up and go to bed so he could go back to work again. He wouldn't even spare himself the luxury of a hot bath. "Goddamn train." He scuffed a shoe against the pavement.

"This train is always behind schedule," Hatsuharu offered, earning another scowl shot in his direction.

"That's true," Yuki agreed. "You must be working close this time, Kyou. I've never seen you waiting at this stop. Is it the apartment complex on Sendai you're at now?"

Kyou sighed, annoyed with himself. How could he be so stupid as to forget that the happy couple lived near this month's work location? "Yeah," he muttered.

"Maybe I could drop in with lunch for you some time. I heard that construction workers are some of the worst unhealthy eaters," the rat said with a smile.

Hatsuharu bumped shoulders with Yuki teasingly. "Yuki has been trying to learn how to cook. We're both helpless. The fridge is full of takeout boxes." That earned him a jab in the side from the grey-haired man's elbow. "Maybe we could eat at your place some time, Kyou, something that's not liable to kill us. Maybe next week?"

Kyou made a noncommittal sound as he finished his cigarette. He fished another from his pack, brought his lighter back out from his pocket. A shiver ran up his body, making the flame in his hand waver. "Goddamn cold," he growled viciously as he tried to light his cigarette again. Why didn't he ever remember to buy a winter coat? Maybe because the jacket reminded him of Shishou; it had been a present. He couldn't bear to part with that…

"Here," Hatsuharu said, unwinding his scarf from around his neck and trying to wrap it over Kyou's shoulders. The cat shoved him away, eyes wide.

Fingers had brushed him, fingers belonging to someone else. It was an awful feeling.

And it was wonderful.

"Fuck off, Haru!" He put needed distance between them; crimson eyes narrowed, the cat furious with himself for letting the ox get that close to him. He turned away from those unreadable pairs of grey and violet eyes. "I'm walking home!" Kyou hunched his shoulders against the cold in his thin jacket and headed for the exit.

"Kyou, that's over two miles away. Kyou? Kyou!"

Kyou ignored Yuki's desperate calls and jogged up the stairs and into the night. He hated the eyes on his back, taunting eyes under a thin veil of care. It wasn't like the Cat was loveable; he knew that. He had always been hated, feared. The Cat finding love was like trying to stick a square piece into a circle. The two just didn't fit.

He just didn't fit anywhere.

It seemed to him that he was just an utter fool. Why didn't he just get over it and move on? Six years and he still managed to act childish.

He would have liked to know how it felt to have arms wrapped around him, though. How it was to be cuddled close to someone to keep him warm…

The cat scoffed at himself. He sounded like such a pansy right now. It wasn't like he had ever needed anyone. He had always been self-sufficient because he had to be. He could take care of himself; he knew how to cook, what colors went together in the wash, how to take things apart and put them back together again.

"Most relationships seem so transitory;

They're all good but not the permanent one."

Shishou had taught him a lot about those kinds of things. He thought with regret how he had never managed to say "I love you" quite enough to his adoptive father. The traffic accident had erased any chance to make up for it.

A year after Hatsuharu and Yuki had started dating, Kyou had ended up alone in the world. Kazuma was dead and there was nothing he could do about it. The Cat just had to get used to being alone.

He blinked and brushed away haunting memories. It was very cold out and he had a long way to walk.

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold?

Who knows how to love you without being told?

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone."

Kyou set the last dish for his dinner guests down before taking his own seat. It had been a long week and he wanted nothing more than to feed them so he could shove them back out the door. It was the first time he had actually cooked a meal in a long while now that he thought about it; he had just been living off prepackaged meals from the convenience store. Thankfully Hatsuharu and Yuki had had the insight to bring ingredients with them because Kyou hadn't had any food stocked in his fridge or pantry for months now.

Not that he would ever be caught dead thanking either of his cousins for anything. Ever.

"It looks good, Kyou," Hatsuharu complimented.

"Yes, it smells delicious. Thank you for having us over," Yuki said, smiling at the cat.

Kyou shrugged, looking away with a scowl; he was his usual irascible self. The ox and the rat shared a look over the table, and finally Hatsuharu shrugged and began to dish some food out for himself.

"Have you thought about decorating yet, Kyou? I think with a little paint your apartment would feel a bit more cozy. I'm sure none of us would mind helping out," Yuki said, trying to make small talk.

The cat shrugged again, shoving more food into his mouth so he wouldn't be expected to answer. He had lived in the same rental for over a year now and he had no plans to change any of it. He wasn't the type to slap some cheerful paint on the walls and buy comfy furniture. He ate and slept there, nothing more, nothing less. He tried to ignore any attempts at conversation by answering only in monosyllables or with noncommittal shrugs.

As the meal wound down, he swiftly gathered up dishes and ferried them into the kitchen, wanting to avoid dealing with the two lovers as much as possible. Secretly he hoped they were just fed up with his hostility by that point and would make their courtesies and leave, but it was a futile hope. Yuki surprised him by coming to stand at his shoulder; the cat jerked away to avoid any unwanted—no, desperately wanted—contact. The rat set a couple more dishes into the sink that the cat was filling with sudsy water.

"I should help you with that, Kyou. You're the one who made us dinner, after all. The least I can do is help you clean up."

The cat looked at the rat out of the corner of his eye, then shifted so he could see the ox over his shoulder. Hatsuharu was sipping his tea and staring into space with a bored expression, which made him no less beautiful, but Kyou knew better. The black and white-haired man was probably more than aware of any conversation going on between the cat and the ox's own lover. Kyou frowned and studiously avoided any eye contact as his hands delved into the scalding water and began scrubbing. "Just dry the dishes," he instructed gruffly.

Yuki smiled and picked up the dishtowel laying by the sink. Kyou scowled down at his hands as he scoured a dish harder than necessary, so hard that his shoulders ached with tension. When had Yuki started smiling at him and being so nice? It irked him; it made it harder for him to be short-tempered toward his nemesis. The cat passed the rat the first plate to dry, his fingers going lax in surprise and almost dropping it as the grey-haired man's own fingers brushed his. He thought his heart had stopped and he held his breath, but Yuki didn't seem fazed by it as he toweled the plate off.

That's right, Kyou thought; Yuki was used to touching other people and being touched. That sort of thing was commonplace for him. Such a little thing held no special meaning for the other man.

Kyou went back to scrubbing the dinnerware vigorously, but before he knew it there was nothing left for him to do. He stared down at his soapy hands as the water drained from the sink.

"Kyou?" Yuki was leaning over, trying to look him in the face. "Are you okay?"

"Who doesn't long for someone to hold?

Who knows how to love you without being told?

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone."

The cat felt a jolt of pain run up through his ribs and into his heart. He knew he had been staring off with some pathetic sad look on his face. "I'm fine," he grunted, ripping the towel away from the rat, who looked so sweetly concerned. He savagely rubbed his hands dry until they were chafed and raw. He didn't miss the speculative glance the grey-haired man gave his lover over his shoulder.

"Kyou..." Yuki said softly. "Is everything all right?"

"I said I'm fine!" the cat shouted. Both men were staring at him now and he could feel it like ants crawling along his skin.

Yuki hesitated then said, "I've been meaning to ask you something, Kyou, but we don't spend as much time together now. When you're around me and Haru, you act...differently." Violet eyes stared hard at the cat's face. "I wanted to know if..." Yuki paused and looked back at Hatsuharu as if for encouragement; the cat didn't know what passed between them since he couldn't see the ox's face. "Does it make you uncomfortable that Haru and I are together?"

Kyou kept his eyes on his hands. The rat actually sounded...vulnerable. It didn't take a genius to know that he, and maybe Haru as well, had been thinking about the question a lot. Were they worried about what Kyou thought of them? His heart picked up at the idea before he suppressed it. He was being stupid again, making connections where there were none with his hopeless fantasies.

Still... His mind was filled with thoughts of how he would blurt out his held-in confession, and then it would be followed by some sort of revelation, and then somehow it would lead to hands touching him and lips kissing him and pleasured gasps in the night.

The cat growled at himself, hands clenching into fists where they rested on the edge of the sink. He was so desperate it made him sick.

"Kyou?"

The orange-haired man shut his eyes. Yuki sounded so worried; he hadn't ever heard his rival seem concerned about him or his opinions. He swallowed as he savoured that one tiny moment of feeling cared about.

It made what he was about to do so much worse, but it had to be done, he reasoned. This had to stop. Kyou didn't want to disillusion himself any more. It would be easier, so much easier, if they just left him alone, if he never had to see them again. He steeled himself.

"That's right," he said, voice low and hoarse. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Yuki staring at him, his brow gently furrowed. "I can't stand the sight of the two of you. It makes me sick." The muscles in his back tensed at the sound of Hatsuharu's chair scraping against the floor. He could imagine the rising anger in the ox. He took a few short breaths, centering himself for a fight.

Kyou shifted so that both of the other men were in his vision, his back to the counter. He was hemmed in now as Hatsuharu approached them. His hackles rose as he was sized up by grey eyes. The ox cocked his head as he stared into crimson eyes. His pale hand reached out to brush his fingers over Yuki's. "Is that really how you feel?" Hatsuharu asked with a frown.

Something about the way Hatsuharu gave voice to the question, as if he had expected a different answer and doubted the sincerity of the cat's words, made Kyou's heart hammer with panic. How was he supposed to concentrate on ruining everything when the both of them were staring at him like that? He had to make it worse, much worse, and fast; he let his mouth run away with him as his mind reiterated over and over that it was necessary, that the Cat never found love, that he was stupid because Yuki and Haru already loved each other. "I know it's hard not being able to be with a girl like that, but..." He tried to muster every little bit of self-hatred he had and willed it to show in his face as loathing. "But choosing to be with another guy... That's the worst. Of course it makes me sick!"

"Kyou, you don't understand," Hatsuharu said, voice pained. "If you would just let us talk to you about it..."

The cat snarled; he didn't want to hear about falling in love and soulmates and not being alone. The two of them had each other and that was more than Kyou had and he was so very, very jealous and needy. Everything was unraveling around him, his resolve and his self-composure. It had to end, all of it had to end. He reached for the most hate-filled thing he could think of.

"I get it; you buttfuck each other! I don't need a fucking explanation from you, faggot!"

The silence before the fist met his face made the sound of it resound louder. Kyou's teeth cut the inside of his cheek as it was forced against them; he leaned against the counter for support, feeling dizzy. He turned and spat blood into the sink.

Yuki's cheeks were flushed with outrage, his breathing hard. Hatsuharu had a hand on his lover's shoulder, holding him back, murmuring soft words to him that only the two of them could hear. "Every time someone tries to do something nice for you, you just have to throw it back in their face! I only wanted to make things better between us because Tohru suggested it. You're pathetic," Yuki spat, seething with hatred and scorn. "Kazuma would be ashamed of you. No wonder everyone abandons you!"

Kyou sucked in a harsh breath as the barb struck home, but it was no less than he deserved. His eyes fell shut as he tried to contain the throbbing pain. "Just get out," he hissed. His head still rang from the rat's blow. Yuki turned on his heel to leave and Hatsuharu followed soon after, though he paused briefly to stare searchingly at the cat for a few moments. Kyou refused to look him in the eye and soon the two lovers were both gone.

Kyou sank to the ground with exhaustion, hands shaking. Blood continued to well in his mouth, stinging his tongue with coppery bitterness. He closed his eyes and let the shame and tears overtake him.

There was no such thing as a soulmate for the Cat.

"If there's a soulmate for everyone..."

A/N: After think about it and talking to a couple of readers, we are all upset about the ending, so there will be at least one more chapter, I imagine with a happy ending because everyone loves happy endings~