Author's Note: I started this one months ago, during my last TSCC binge. Then I moved on to another binge without finishing it, and it's been haunting my hard drive ever since. As you can probably guess, this is one of those fics that you can't take too seriously if you want to enjoy it. Constructive criticism is shamelessly begged for, just keep in mind that this is the first time I've tackled Cameron's character, and the first time I've written a Sarah Connor tale that isn't utterly depressing.

Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were, we'd still have a show, and I wouldn't be in a constant state of mourning.

Storming into the kitchen, Sarah yanked open the fridge, grabbing hold of the last beer on the shelf. Pushing the door closed, Sarah removed the cap and took a long, long drag. As she took the bottle away from her lips, the front door came open. Derek joined her in the kitchen a few seconds later, one eyebrow raised. "It's ten in the morning."

"Thanks for the update," Sarah replied testily. "Haven't seen much of you lately."

"Been busy, leads to check out."

"Really. What kind of leads?"

"The kind that didn't lead anywhere." Derek had opened the fridge while they talked, frowning at its contents. Shutting it again, he crossed his arms and looked at Sarah. "Was that the last beer?"

Sarah brought the bottle to her lips before answering. "Sorry."

Derek rolled his eyes, gesturing at the bottle. "I bought that for me."

"Sorry," Sarah repeated. "Sometimes I forget you still live here, except when I get stuck doing your laundry." She took a final, protracted swig, finishing draining the bottle within seconds of opening it. Closing the distance between them, Sarah handed Derek the empty bottle. "I'll try and remember next time."

"Maybe we should get labels," Derek groused, setting the remains of his last twelve pack aside.

"Maybe you should get better beer."

"What's your problem today?"

Sarah shook her head in irritation. "I need you to grace us with your presence for a few hours. I told John not to bring the girl back here, you'll have to see that he doesn't."

"Why me?"

"Because I have things to do," Sarah replied, moving past him to get to the living room.

"What kinds of things?" Derek pressed, trailing in her wake.

"The kinds of things that don't concern you," Sarah retorted, looking towards the stairs. "Where's Cameron?"

"I'm right here," the terminator replied. She'd entered soundlessly through the back, seeming to materialize out of nowhere. Derek jumped at hearing her voice so close behind him.

"God," he said angrily. "Do you need to do that?"

Cameron tilted her head sideways. "Sarah asked where I was. It seemed prudent to respond."

"Did it seem prudent to give me a coronary?"

Cameron tilted her head further. "That was not my intention. If I wanted to cause you coronary distress-"

"-it would be much easier to rip my chest open. Yeah, I know."

"If you know, then why did you ask?"

"Forget that," Sarah interrupted. "Anything on your robot agenda for this afternoon?"

"Yes. You instructed me to monitor John's activities and to keep Riley the hell out."

"That's his job now," Sarah replied, nodding towards Derek. "You're coming with me."

"Where to?"

"Shopping trip."

"You arrange a weapons buy?" Derek asked.

"No," was the terse reply. "Get the keys," she ordered, locking eyes with the cyborg.

Cameron didn't move. "Are we going to engage in female bonding rituals?"

"What?"

"Shopping with another female is traditionally seen as a female bonding ritual. Is that what we're going to do?"

"I'd like to see that." John's voice preceded him down the stairs. He approached the others, giving his mother an appraising look. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing. Cameron and I are going out for awhile, you're staying here."

"I don't need a babysitter."

John's comment was ignored. "Where are you going to be?" Derek questioned. "Something going on I should know about?"

Sarah paused again, wishing she had another drink. "Kaci's having a baby shower, I promised I'd be there."

John chuckled disbelievingly. "Are you serious?"

"Trevor's mother is throwing it; it's mostly going to be the mother's friends. She said she needed a friendly face."

"And she asked you?" Derek retorted. "Now that's desperation."

"She asked and you agreed?" said John, unable to comprehend this bit of news.

"Look, I promised I'd be there for her if she needed anything." It was true. She'd just hoped that Kaci wouldn't need anything. Especially not this.

"You failed to mention this earlier," Cameron remarked.

"I'm mentioning it now. Get the keys."

Cameron didn't move. "How will attending Kaci's baby shower aid in our mission?"

It wasn't bad enough that John was questioning her at every turn. She also had to get it from her pretend-daughter. Sarah didn't remember John's 'Uncle Bob' being this difficult. "It'll aid in our cover. Kaci invited both of us, said she hardly ever sees you."

"She is correct."

"Yeah, and she's also going to be suspicious if we don't behave like mother and daughter every once in awhile."

Cameron thought about this. "Would you like to call me a bitch in front of Kaci? You called me a bitch in front of a police officer while pretending to be my stepmother."

"Since when has she needed permission to insult you?"

Shooting her son a dangerous look, Sarah continued her explanation to the metal. "It'll look weird if we blow her off at the last minute. You understand?"

"Yes," Cameron replied after a beat of silence. "It's good to be neighborly."

Derek shook his head. "I can't believe this."

Sarah resisted the urge to injure him. Barely. "What?" she snapped.

"You getting all buddy-buddy with a woman who's married to a cop."

"Kaci is not married," the metal girl interrupted. "Trevor is merely her baby-daddy."

"You know what I mean," Derek argued, looking at Sarah rather than Cameron.

"I know what you mean. The cop's never there when I am, he's not going to be there today." Sarah paused, preparing to use the weapon that would end this debate. "Though Kaci did say you two were welcome to come along."

John and Derek looked at each other, looked back at her. "Huh?"

The brunette smirked at her son's panic. "It's a co-ed thing. She's not really expecting any guys to show up, but-"

The sentence was never finished. Derek expressed a sudden need to mow the lawn, and John suddenly decided that he needed to catch up on his homeschooling lessons. Sarah watched in amusement as Derek practically ran for the back door and John practically fell up the stairs in his haste to retreat. Next time she needed to light a fire under his ass, she'd know what to say.

"Why would you want to light a fire under John's ass? Wouldn't that damage him?"

She'd spoken aloud without realizing. "It's an expression. Come on, we have to pick up something for Kaci."

"John's room is full of childish things. We can give Kaci's child something from John's room."

"Kaci was in charge of getting this place rented, she's seen all that stuff before."

"Oh," Cameron replied, seemingly forgetting that bit of information. "It's not cool to re-gift."

"No. Can we go now?"

"My databases indicate that baby shower gifts are often meant to be practical."

Sarah nodded tightly, confirming the idea of purchasing something that would be useful to either mother or baby. Cameron then pulled out her Glock, offering it to Sarah. "What are you doing?"

"Guns are extremely useful."

Sarah ordered her to put the weapon away. "Guns and children don't mix."

"John began firearms training at the age of-"

"John's different," the brunette said irritably. "Anyway, re-gifting isn't cool, remember?"

"Oh. Right." Cameron thought for a moment, doing an abrupt about-face and heading for the back door.

"Hold it. What do you think you're doing?"

Cameron halted her movements, glancing at Sarah over her shoulder. "I'm going to the shed. For tools."

"What kind of tools?" Sarah asked. She didn't bother trying to guess at the answer, not even within her own head. Ever since the explosion, Cameron seemed to get more clueless, more unpredictable, and more infuriating with each passing day.

"I'm going to build Kaci a bomb shelter. It's not a re-gift, and it will be extremely useful after the world ends."

"Lovely as that thought is, fallout shelters take time and building permits. She's registered at a store downtown, let's go."

"You seem distressed," observed Cameron.

Sarah gunned the Jeep's engine without responding, beating the yellow light a millisecond before it turned red.

"You broke the rules of the road. You're supposed to slow down when-"

"Thanks, I took Driver's Ed."

Cameron tilted her head slightly, considering the response. "Was your instructor a man? Did you engage in sexual relations with him?"

"What?" Sarah asked, whipping her head towards the passenger seat. "What the hell-"

"Eyes on the road at all times," advised the metal. Reaching over, Cameron took hold of the wheel, saving them from swerving into the oncoming lane. "Your hands are positioned incorrectly. Think of the wheel as a clock. Your hands should be-"

"I know where my hands should be," Sarah hissed, gesturing for the metal to move her own fingers. "What the hell was that?"

"I was merely suggesting ways to improve your driving technique."

"Not that, the other thing."

"Oh. Jessica Cranberg was very stupid."

Dammit. There was a first-aid kit in the truck, emergency flares, emergency guns. Why had Sarah not thought to pack emergency thermite in the trunk? "Am I supposed to know who that is?"

"She attended school with John and I, before the move. She was very stupid, particularly in math. Yet she received A's. I chose to investigate this."

"You chose to investigate your math teacher instead of trying to keep my son alive. Great."

"Only during lunch, and only for one day. I walked past Mr. Syke's classroom and found him and Jessica Cranberg sprawled across the desk, engaging in sexual relations." After that, Cameron engaged her deductive reasoning programs and came to a conclusion about the reason for Jessica's high math scores.

Surprised, Sarah glanced at her robot companion. "Sexual relations. And you're the only one who saw this?"

"Apparently."

Disgusted, Sarah unconsciously pressed the accelerator. "The joys of public schooling."

"Jessica allowed herself to be used as a sexual object in order to pass math. Did you do the same thing in order to pass Driver's Ed?"

"What?" Sarah exclaimed, glaring daggers at the metal girl. "I…what…what?"

"The road, Sarah." Again, Cameron took the wheel, saving them from rear-ending a city bus. "Was that bad to say? It seemed like a logical conclusion."

"It seemed logical to you that I fucked a fifty-year-old married woman to get through Driver's Ed?" Sarah fumed, shoving Cameron's hands off the wheel.

"My information about your past is not that extensive, I was unaware of the gender of your instructor. You should calm down, it's not good to drive angry."

Sarah made a derisive noise. "Then I guess I should never be allowed to drive."

Cameron nodded. "Ideally not. Our likelihood of being involved in a fiery crash increases by 72.4% whenever you take the wheel. When you're angry, that likelihood increases by-"

"Nobody likes a backseat driver," Sarah snapped.

"But I'm not in the backseat."

"Did it ever occur to you that my anger might be related to being trapped in a tiny, metal machine with a very annoying, metal machine?"

"You insisted that I accompany you."

"Kaci insisted, I didn't have a choice."

"You always have a choice. There is no fate-"

"Shut up."

"You're speeding again."

"We're late as is."

"When did Kaci invite you to her shower?"

"Two weeks ago," Sarah replied, after a moment's thought.

"Yes," Cameron replied, sounding thoughtful herself. "I remember Kaci calling and you being upset."

"It wasn't because of Kaci, I was upset already."

"Yes. Because you walked in on John with his tongue down Riley's throat. The situation could have been worse. John could have had his hand up Riley's blouse. Or down her pants. Boys often make attempts to get into a girl's-"

"I know what boys do, Cameron."

"You told me to keep an eye on John and Riley. Do you wish to be informed if John attempts to get into-"

"No! Yes. Change the subject, Cameron."

"I don't understand. Your response was contradictory."

"Change. The subject. Cameron."

" Two weeks seems like ample notice. Why did you wait so long to prepare for this baby shower?"

Because she'd been hoping something else would come up. Hoping there would be cops or Cromartie, or anything that would allow Sarah to skip this thing without feeling guilty. "I just did."

"Procrastination is not among your usual personality traits."

"Well, maybe I've got more than one personality," Sarah retorted, gritting her teeth in frustration.

"Unlikely. Genuine cases of multiple personality disorder are rare. However, given your status as an escaped mental patient-"

"Look, we're here," Sarah interrupted, pulling into the lot of what looked to be a warehouse store specializing in baby items. "Hurry up," she ordered, throwing open her door. "We're supposed to be at Kaci's in half an hour."

"We will have to be fashionably late. It's highly unlikely that we'll be able to obtain a gift and return home within that timeframe."

"We might be able to manage it if you shut up and move. Anyway, we go in, we grab something, we get out. How hard can that be?"

"How the hell do you work this thing?" Sarah muttered. She and Cameron were standing in front of a computer kiosk that, supposedly, would allow them to print out Kaci's baby gift list. "Dammit," Sarah hissed, glancing at her watch and slamming the keys. Even here, technology continued to conspire against her.

"Damaging the computer will not help."

"Well then you figure it out," Sarah barked. "Isn't there a cord or something for you to plug yourself into, make this go faster?"

"I do not have a cord," Cameron replied, hands flying over the keyboard. "Besides, manually connecting myself to the store's computer network would cause unwanted attention." Punching in a final command, Cameron grabbed Kaci's gift list as it printed out. "Here"

"Thanks," was the grudging reply. Despite having spent the majority of the drive here fantasizing about incinerating her, Sarah had to admit that the Tin Miss had her uses. Ten minutes later, Sarah was wishing fervently that one of those uses involved a GPS tracker.

"How do they expect people to find anything in here?" she groused, traversing aisle after endless aisle. Eight million bits of merchandise, seemingly organized at random. "What's that map say?" Sarah asked.

Cameron trailed a few steps behind, carrying six pages worth of gift requests. Sarah had thrust the list back at her when they started this scavenger hunt. Shuffling the papers, Cameron read, "Our current location is aisle 17-D." Checking this against the aisle markers above their heads, she continued, "Aisle 17-D should contain strollers and safety equipment."

"Of course it should." Shaking her head, Sarah gazed at her surroundings. Diapers on one shelf, stuffed animals next to those, pacifiers next to those. And not an employee in sight to guide her through this hellhole.

"This list seems excessive," Cameron remarked. "How many items can one child require?"

"You'd be surprised," Sarah replied. By now, she was on the point of grabbing the first decent thing that caught her eye. Baby Loves Jazz: Greatest Hits Volume 2. Sarah hated jazz. She knew from their not-infrequent bits of small-talk that Kaci did as well. So much for that.

"I still find it excessive," Cameron declared. "Babies lack full cognitive development. Kaci's baby won't even realize that he has this many things."

"It's not all about the baby, some of it's for the mother. Kaci will need all that stuff." Sarah picked up and quickly discarded what seemed to be an industrial-size bottle of peach baby food.

"You had a child."

"Thanks for letting me know."

"You didn't have a baby shower, you didn't receive all of these gifts."

"Doesn't mean I didn't want a baby shower," Sarah replied. She couldn't help the hint of wishful sadness that crept into her voice. "Doesn't mean I wouldn't have liked for people to come over with gifts, celebrate John and I. Kaci deserves that. Every mother does."

Closing the distance between them, Cameron observed Sarah closely. "You are distressed again."

"I'm not distressed," Sarah argued, annoyed by her moment of melancholy. She distracted herself by examining a rather hideous stuffed snake.

"You are a mother, you deserve a baby shower. We will throw you a baby shower."

Sarah laughed aloud at the declaration, she couldn't help it. "Nice thought, but it's a little late for that."

"Better late than never."

"I'm pretty sure you have to be pregnant if you want to have a baby shower."

"Pregnancy is not an impossibility. You are not that old."

"Thanks, I guess."

"I read an article about a woman giving birth to twins. She was 97. If you have difficulty finding a man, we can go to a sperm bank."

"We going to blow that one up, too?"

"No. Destroying a sperm repository would be pointless and inefficient. And messy."

"One bratty son and one cybernetic organism pretending to be my daughter is enough," Sarah stated. The baby pillow she was eyeing looked nothing like a pillow.

"You got it right." The metal girl seemed genuinely pleased by this. Perusing the shelves opposite Sarah, Cameron picked up and examined a nearby object. Nodding to herself, she turned, tapping Sarah on the shoulder. "Here," she said, holding out her find.

Sarah raised an eyebrow. It wasn't that Kaci wouldn't need a breast pump, the brunette had simply hoped to get her something a little more personal. Not that that seemed possible in this baby supply emporium. "We'll let someone else buy her that one."

"It's for you, not Kaci." Off Sarah's incredulous look, "You said you wanted gifts. If you will not accept a shower or another child…"

Strangely touched at being presented with a breast pump by her son's robot bodyguard, Sarah shook her head nonetheless. "Thanks, but no thanks."

Cameron let her hand drop. "You don't feel comfortable accepting gifts from me."

Oh hell. The metal actually seemed a little upset. What was worse, Sarah was upset at the idea of making the metal upset. God, she was obviously losing her mind. "Maybe some other time."

Putting the feeding tool back where she found it, Cameron brightened perceptibly. "Like on your birthday?" Cameron nodded an answer to her own question. "On your birthday. I will have John buy it for you so you won't feel uncomfortable."

Sure. John wouldn't be remotely uncomfortable presenting his not-pregnant mother with a breast pump. "Cameron-"

"We will have a party, with a cake." John didn't get a cake on his birthday, and Cameron somehow felt the need to make up for that. "Parties have themes. We will throw you a baby shower themed party."

Sure, because John and Derek would love that. "We'll talk about this in the car," Sarah declared, heading for the exit. This store wasn't cutting it, and she'd just come up with a better idea. They'd end up being fashionably late to Kaci's party, but late seemed preferable to Barry Manilow: The Lullaby Edition.

"Be normal," Sarah ordered as they approached Kaci's house, gift in hand. "As normal as you can be at any given time."

"Don't be a freak, I understand." As he pressed Kaci's doorbell, Cameron tilted her head in thought. "Will we have to play Baby Bingo?"

Closing her eyes, Sarah braced herself for an afternoon of misery. "I hope not, so probably yes."

"I dislike bingo. There's no strategy involved."

"Uh-huh." The only strategy Sarah was concerned with involved finding a way to get through this without pulling a gun on Cameron. Or herself.

tbc…