TITLE: The Last Dichotomy

AUTHOR: finn1013

SPOILERS: bits and pieces up to the end of Season 3

SUMMARY: Merlin is overwhelmed by the demands of his destiny, and doubts his abilities will prevail as the time prophesised draws near. Also explores the changing dynamics between Arthur and Merlin, once Merlin's secret is revealed. What will happen when Morgana returns? Set straight after the end of S3. Friendship only, NO SLASH

DISCLAIMER: Merlin is not mine, belongs to the BBC

CLASSIFICATION: T

AUTHOR'S NOTES: It's been years since I've written a fanfic, so I'm a bit rusty but hope you like it. Had only planned for a short fic as an entree back to writing, but the story look on a life of its own. I have quite a few chapters written so will post further chapters probably twice a week.

They'd done it.

Evil had been conquered, and an immortal army defeated. Merlin knew he should be relieved the threat had been vanquished, with his magic still his secret. It had been ten days now since the battle, but he felt disconnected from the hope growing around him as as he watched Camelot began to heal. Though he ached for it, yearned for it, inner peace and optimism were still way out of his reach.

Hidden amongst the battlements on the far side of the castle, he sat against the unyielding stone wall, arms wrapped around his knees, head bent, his dark hair a rumpled mess in the frigid night air. He'd been sitting in the same position for hours, it was well past midnight, his nose was red from the chill, he wore no jacket, he shivered. His eyes were neither blue nor gold, but dark as the bleak night, and they watered both from the sting of the wind pounding his thin frame, and the thoughts tormenting his very soul. And Morgana's threat kept whirling around his mind: "This has just begun."

But that wasn't true. It had begun long ago, and once Arthur discovered Merlin's beginning, he had no doubt it would also be his end.

"Merlin, at last! Where've you been?" Arthur knew he should have kept the irritation out of his voice but it was early evening now, and it had taken seven servants and five guards over four hours to find Merlin and send him to Arthur's chambers. The prince's tolerance for patience and understanding, never high at the best of times, was at a very low ebb.

Merlin shut the door behind him and leaned back against it, not venturing any further into the room. "You wanted to see me? Did I forget something?" He knew he hadn't, but he made a show of glancing around the room. "Look, your armour's clean, sword sharpened, clothes washed and put away, floor scrubbed, and I even mucked out the stables, without being asked!"

Arthur folded his arms across his chest. "You mucked out the stables unasked?" He eyed him closely. Merlin had been acting peculiarly for more than a week, and Arthur couldn't stand it much longer, nor could he understand it. They'd won, they'd defeated an immortal army, Camelot's mood was one of optimism. Arthur's mood was buoyant, he was thriving on the new challenges he faced as Regent, and he was happy to finally be able to acknowledge his feelings for Gwen. But the one cloud on Arthur's horizon, and a rather large storm cloud at that, was Merlin, whose mood seemed to be the opposite of all of these things.

Arthur could not work out why this was so.

There was something going on with Merlin, beneath the surface Arthur sensed a darkness inside him, an edgy discontent. Merlin was quiet at times, unnaturally so, often starring off at nothing when he had no idea Arthur was watching, and his eyes were expressionless and blank. There was a simmering restlessness in his movements, he was tense. He was nowhere to be found when Arthur wanted him, and it wasn't just the prince he was avoiding because he was never with with Lancelot or Gwaine either.

Yet Merlin was trying, and doubly so, he served out his banter and smiles like they were dishes at a royal banquet, but Arthur knew him too well, and could see right through his charade, right down to the unhappiness lurking beneath his normal facade. Part of him seemed so far away, unreachable, removed and remote. Arthur couldn't understand it, and he watched, and he worried.

Merlin hadn't moved, he was still propping up the door, and Arthur guessed it was so he could make the quickest escape possible. The prince stood up from his desk and walked across to the window. He turned and eyed Merlin carefully, and decided to cut straight to the chase. "There's something bothering you. What is it?"

Merlin's face showed his surprise, he stumbled, unprepared. "Uh, nothing, ... nothing, why should there be?" He edged sideways, Arthur was sure the handle of the door must be digging into his back.

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking." Arthur rested a hand against the window sill. "And I'm not the only one who's noticed. I've had Gwaine on my case sure we've had an argument and very predictably threatening to beat me up, Lancelot actually glared at me yesterday when I told him I didn't know where you were, Gwen's annoyed with me, and even bloody Percival, of all people, asked me what I'd done to you! As if I could do anything, you bring me breakfast in the morning and that's the last I see of you all day!"

Merlin said a bit stiffly, "I hardly thought you'd notice, you have other demands on your time now my Lord, with your father still ill, and I –"

"You never call me my Lord!" Arthur exploded. He took a deep breath. "Not in here, anyway, unless you're trying to wind me up!"

"Well ... I don't know what you want me to say!"

"Just the truth will do."

"Just the truth ..." Merlin toyed with the words in his head, thinking for a moment, and said quietly, almost to himself, "I wonder ... someone once told me that the discovery of truth will never damage a cause that is just. Do you believe that, Arthur?"

"That's very cryptic."

"Yes." The faint trace of a smile, though Arthur noted it didn't quite reach his eyes. "The one who told it to me has a habit of speaking in such a way. It's very annoying."

Arthur thought he knew almost everyone who knew Merlin. "Who told you that?"

The smile disappeared instantly and Merlin eyes dropped to the floor. "No one that you'd know."

"Alright." Merlin still seemed to want to support the door, so Arthur walked over to him. A pause. "So, are you saying, in the battle of good over evil, that truth can be a casualty along the way? That as long as the cause is just and good wins out, then a few lies here and there don't matter if they are in support of the greater good? The end justifies the means, no matter how achieved?"

Merlin was a bit surprised that he seemed to have grasped the concept so quickly. "Here I was thinking all Knights were a bit thick. But I'm not saying anything, I was asking what you thought."

"It's good to hear, you think I can think, Merlin." That got a small smile and Arthur was pleased with himself. "But what do I think? I don't know, Merlin. Are lies ever acceptable? I couldn't say, it would depend on the lie and the circumstance under which it was told."

"I guess that's better than a straight out, lies-are-bad-no-matter-what, then."

"Merlin?" No reply. "Come on, what is it you're not telling me? Have you lied about something? It can't be that bad." That had been the wrong thing to say, Arthur watched the shutters come down.

Merlin fixed his gaze on an area near Arthur's shoulder. "The truth is I'm tired, and uh ...," his mouth twisted, "I think I need a few days off. I have to ... do something, maybe ... go somewhere ..."

Arthur frowned. "No. I think not. We're all battle-weary. And tiredness is not what's really bothering you. You're not going anywhere without me until you tell me what's got you moping around the castle like a girl. Your place is by my side. I need you here. For god's sake Merlin, we won this battle. It's over!"

Merlin said fiercely, "It's never over, Arthur, don't you see!" He pushed himself off the door and walked away from Arthur with quick, angry steps.

Arthur let him pace for a while and then followed and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Stop. And that is an order. If you're not going to tell me what's wrong with you, then you can follow me around until you snap out of it. Wake me tomorrow before dawn. I expect you to remain in my chambers while I have breakfast. Actually, bring something for yourself; new routine Merlin, we will break fast together every few days. Tomorrow, you'll remain in my sight all day. Then I need to see my father, you will be with me. After that, target practice with the Knights."

Silence was the reply.

Arthur sighed and dropped his hand away. "Look. Someone wise once told me, when I had lost all hope, that I had a duty to my father, and a duty to my people. That Camelot needed me." He ran a hand through his hair. "Well I need someone wise to ... tell me when I'm wrong, to give me ... courage, and strength. This Regent thing is new to me, you know."

The ghost of a smile crossed Merlin's face. "You think I'm wise, Arthur?"

"Sometimes. It can't be that difficult, all you need to do is think of something stupid to say, then say the opposite."

Merlin glowered.

"Better. Now, I'll see you in the morning." He gave him a friendly punch on the arm.

"Ow! What did you do that for?"

"Haven't we had this conversation before, Merlin?"

It was sheer chance that Arthur was standing at his window when he saw Merlin skulking in the shadows several hours later. He'd given his manservant the evening off duty, rather than have him as a silent presence at the dinner he had with a visiting nobleman. Rhoderic's lands had been pillaged by Cenred's army and he'd come to request aid from from Camelot. Arthur had just returned to his rooms and was about to close the window, when he saw Merlin making his way across the empty courtyard, sticking to the shadows and ensuring he wasn't seen.

While Merlin being furtive and sneaking around wasn't totally out of the ordinary, it only took Arthur a moment to decide he was going to see where his servant was off to. Perhaps wherever he was going would help explain Merlin's odd mood.

Grabbing his sword on the way, and using the deserted servant's stairs as a shortcut, it took Arthur several minutes to get to the ground floor. By the time he reached the courtyard, Merlin was nowhere to be seen. Arthur cursed under his breath and took a gamble, making his way past the candle-maker's shop on the far corner, and peering around the bend.

Crouching in the shadows by the shopfront, he saw Merlin in the distance, not far from the south gates. He followed. Merlin didn't look back, he was concentrating on getting past the two guards on watch, and Arthur noticed with a frown that this was not too difficult when both men left their posts to check something that had caught their notice down a nearby alleyway.

Arthur slipped past them too while they were still distracted, carefully following his servant into the forest that started near the south gates.

Stalking Merlin through the forest was easy. Not once did he look back, and he made as much noise as he usually did when hunting with Arthur. He was totally focused on where he was going.

He wondered who Merlin was meeting, and he must be planning to meet someone, he'd hardly be going for a stroll at night. Was Merlin in trouble? He certainly was going to be in trouble later when Arthur confronted him about it; surely he had some idea how dangerous it could be in the forest alone at night.

About half an hour from Camelot, Merlin stopped in the middle of a clearing in the trees. This must be the meeting spot. Cautiously, Arthur took cover beneath a leafy bush, pushing the branches aside and sliding noiselessly between them to ensure he was concealed. He watched silently, hoping that whoever Merlin was meeting hadn't seen him.

Merlin's thoughts were somewhat chaotic as he stumbled through the thick undergrowth. He paid no attention to his surroundings, branches slapped his face, and he staggered once, almost tripping over a fallen tree. It didn't matter. Thoughts of Freya bought a familiar dull ache, he wondered if the pain of losing her would ever go away. He thought of Morgana and Morgause, of the destiny he shared with Arthur, what he had done, what he had yet to do. Sometimes it was too much to comprehend.

He was in the middle of the clearing before he realised it, roaring his pain and unhappiness to the heavens and to the only one who could answer, "O drakon, e mala soi ftengometh tesd'hup anankes! Erkheo, fultume!"

He paced around while he waited for Kilgharrah, constantly glancing up at the sky.

It didn't take long. The dragon landed. "You summoned me?"

Merlin rubbed at the tension in his forehead. "Did she die?"

"The witch Morgause? No. She lives, but she is weakened. She will not be a threat for some time."

"But Morgana will. She has all the motivation she needs: anger, betrayal, revenge."

"Yes."

Merlin tried to breathe. "Does she know ... about me?"

The dragon shook his head. "She knows not. Her sister barely lives. But if Morgause recovers she may realise it was not Gaius who harmed her."

Silence. Merlin paced back on forth, his feet making tracks in the long, damp grass, his arms wrapped around himself. Kilgharrah waited patiently.

"You know what must be done, Merlin. The witches must die, both of them. Or Camelot will fall."

"I know. I know that."

"Yet still you hesitate. I have warned you before, your determination to see goodness in others will be your undoing."

"No, you're wrong." Merlin was certain. "I accept Morgana cannot be saved now. I accept it, I know it. But I had to give her the opportunity to decide what was path she would follow. The evil had to be her choice, not my action."

"You gave her too many opportunities to follow the light, Merlin. You indecision over her risks the path of destiny, both yours and the young Prince."

"I must do what I think is right and just. I can do no more than that."

"Then I applaud your courage. But giving up on someone doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go."

"Yes, I understand," Merlin acknowledged quietly. "But enough, I summoned you for a reason, Kilgharrah." He dug through the shoulder bag he was carrying and pulled out a wrapped object. "The cup holds power equal to the sword. Yet you did not caution me on that, why?"

"The cup is yours to command Merlin. Do with it as you wish."

"When the druid gave Arthur the cup, he told me to guard it well. I failed. But I will not let it happen again." He unwrapped the cup and held it out. "Your magic is unlike any I have sensed. If you enchant it to remain hidden, then it cannot be undone by anyone."

"Except by you."

Merlin nodded slightly. "Yes." He stepped closer to the dragon and held the cup aloft, shutting his eyes as he felt the power of the dragon's enchantment wash through the air around him. Arthur was mesmerised. The air around Merlin shimmered sparkling gold, thousands of tiny specks of light swirling and dancing inside a mini-whirlwind.

When the light slowly faded away, Merlin shook his head. "That was weird." He rubbed his ears. "Uh. I feel like I have water in my ears." He shook his head again, brows creased, then looked up at the dragon. "Now, I need you to take me to the place where it will be hidden."

"I have told you previously Merlin, that I am not a horse!"

"Yeah well, you're better than one, actually, although possibly more temperamental." Merlin actually smiled a little, tipping his head at an angle as he made his way over to the dragon. He clambered up onto the long scaly neck, and leant over to look into the dragon's eyes. "Come on, then, and -" he held on with one hand, and gave the dragon a thump with the other "-giddy up!"

"Merlin!" The dragon gave an indignant snort as he flapped his wings, sending a sharp gust of wind through the clearing and into the trees where Arthur crouched hidden. He took off with a lurch as Merlin scrambled to hold on.

"Hey, watch it!" Merlin's complaint drifted down from the sky, and as the dragon and Merlin flew away, Arthur felt like he was awakening from a trance.