Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 14

Warning: Holy Rome X Chibitalia (okay not really a warning)

A Note from the Narrator: Privyet readers! Da, da, I know, I have been absent for a while. Sadly I had to stay in an underground bunker for several months waiting for Belarus to calm down enough for the tranquilizers to work. She will hopefully stay asleep long enough for this story to be told, though really she's a nice girl aside from her insanity, really!

The good thing about the long absence has been that when I did my rounds to recruit actors for this next wonderful tale, they were caught off guard, da? And so I was able to get people I who had put up their guard before! But also I listened to my readers who asked for the child form of Italy and someone called the 'Holy Roman Empire' to make an appearance. Now at first I thought this would be difficult, but after doing a little research and commissioning more help from England I believe I will be able to give you this. As such I will not in fact be in this story but do not worry; I will assuredly be present in the next one! And as usual I will be your narrator again. Though England did not do such a bad job last time...

So we will have Holy Roman Empire starring in this tale. I will have to summon him and Italy however so I will be using a spell now to get that done. Of course the spell should only be temporary... though I've never quite used it before... oh well! England said it should be fine, da! So... Chibiski Chibiski Adorus Forevs!

Enjoy the story, dear readers!

XOXOXO

Emelya the Simpleton

Once there were Germanic three brothers, of whom two were wise and the third was a simpleton. Their names were Lars, Roderich and Henrich. Which I find fascinating, I never knew Netherland's human name before, but Henrich's name I never would have guessed, I thought it would be-

"Oh will you get on with this fairy tale nonsense already? There's a concert tonight that I am conducting, and I will not be late because you are talking about ridiculous things!"

KOL KOL KOL KOL KOL

"Very well. I shall express my displeasure via the piano."

What? Where did get a piano from? Is that Chopin?

"You made him angry. Weird."

Ah... da, well, is Henrich awake yet?

"W-where am I? W-where's Italy? I must find her! I told her I would come back!"

Italy will come soon, da? But for now, the wise brothers went to buy merchandise in the towns and told the simpleton:

"What, we're speaking at the same time?"

Da, Netherlands, it's how the story goes!

"Ja, ja, it shouldn't be that difficult. Lars, on the count of three, and one, and two, and three-"

"Now mind, Henrich! Obey our wives and respect them as you would your own mother. We shall buy you red boots, a red caftan and a red shirt in return!"

Nicely said!

"Thank you."

"Actually, I would say Lars was rather flat. Perhaps we ought to try aga- OW! Y-you hit me!"

"I elbowed you. Slightly. Let Russia tell the story, I thought you had somewhere to be?"

"Y-yes, well... fine!"

"And stop playing Chopin."

"I CAN PLAY IF I WANT TO!"

ENOUGH! Austria is being difficult, da? If he keeps this up, I will smash his piano.

"N-NEIN! You wouldn't... you can't do that!"

... do you know me at all, comrade? Of course I would, da.

"V-very well, continue with this tale then. As the great Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart once said, 'Nevertheless the passions, whether violent or not, should never be so expressed as to reach the point of causing disgust.' As such, I will not use my piano if it is for some reason causing disgust to you."

Good. Now then, the simpleton replied to them:

"Oh, ah, well if it will help me see Italy again then I will do whatever it takes! So very well, I will respect your wives!"

And so the brothers left for town and the simpleton laid down on the stove and stayed there.

"O-on the stove? Am I not supposed to be working?"

You are, but for now do as I say, da, or you will not get to see Italy.

"YOU CANNOT KEEP HER FROM ME!"

... her? Well uh... we will move along. So his sisters-in-law, Elizabeta and Belle, said to him:

"Okay Belle, one, two, three."

"What are you do- Eliza?"

"Oh I was late, um... NOW!"

"What are you doing, Henrich? Your brothers told you to respect us and promised to bring you gifts in return. But you are lying on the stove and do no work at all; at least go and fetch water!"

"Talking at the same time is hard, but we did it!"

"We did! But Belle, I thought Lars was your brother..."

"Oh, it's just for the story of course!"

"Oh right, silly me! Anyway, Russia promised me that I'd get to see Holy Rome and Italy together again, isn't that exciting?"

"That's right, you told me of that! I'm excited too!"

Ow, that squealing is loud... um... so the simpleton took the pails and went to fetch water. He drew water, and a pike got into one of the pails. The simpleton said:

"Um, there's no pike in the bucket."

What? Oh, Gilbunny must have escaped. I'll get him back, da?

"Gil-bunny?"

"OW! LET GO! THAT FUCKING HURT- OH FOR THE- w-wait, West?"

"Who? Ah, I am The Holy Roman Empire, Henrich. Brother Prussia, that is you, is it not?"

"... I forgot how funny you sounded back then! KESESESE! Wait, Russia did you do this to my bro? Why the fuck would you do that?!"

It was a request. I am very reasonable, da? Do not worry, it is only temporary.

"Phht, whatever. I'm here then. The fucking pike. A fish. I'M A FUCKING FISH."

"Er, si, so... thanks be to God! Now I shall cook this pike, I shall eat my fill, and I will not give any to my sisters-in-law because I am angry at them!"

"Hey, that's not... wait, who are your sisters-in-law in this?"

"Ah, Miss Belgium and Miss Hungary?"

"PHH- KESESESESE! Hungary? Damn right she's not getting a piece of this!"

... Gilbunny, say your lines now or I might eat you, da?

"... freak. Whatever. Yo, Henrich, don't eat me. Put me back in the water and you will be happy!"

"What happiness will you bring me?"

"This is what I give: whatever you say will come to pass. If you say now: 'By the pike's command, by my own request, go, pails. Go home by yourselves and stand in your accustomed place.'"

"So, do I say that now? It's not in the script..."

Oh, da, well I'm going to infer that you do, for the sake of less repetition, da? Modern readers are not as interested in repeated passages as they were back in the days of oral story telling.

"Phht, kids don't know how good they got it. When I was an awesome kid, stories were just one stanza repeated over and over for an hour and we ENJOYED it!"

Are you calling yourself old, Gilbunny?

"What? NEIN! When YOU were a kid, stories were one LETTER repeated over and over for hours but the only one around back then to enjoy them was you so only you would like that!"

That's mean Gilbunny. But maybe I can teach you one of my older stories later that is only one sound over and over. You will learn it well I assure you.

"... I... I don't know what you have in mind, you freak."

It's a scream-y kind of sound.

"OKAY STOP."

With some moans...

"STOP! MINI-WEST IS RIGHT THERE, STOP IT!"

"Er, so, I said the phrase, or you infer that I did?"

Hmm? Oh right! Spasibo for reminding me, comrade! Gilbunny may leave.

"FINALLY! And you make sure West's back to normal after!"

Now as soon as the simpleton said this, the pails straightaway went home and stood in their place. The sisters-in-law beheld this and marveled.

"He is not a simpleton at all, is he Elizabeta?"

"No Belle, he is so clever that his pails have come home by themselves!"

Then the simpleton came home and lay down on the stove. Again his sisters-in-law said to him... actually, perhaps Hungary ought to say this, since speaking together didn't work out so well the last couple of times.

"Right, so, why do you lie on the stove? We have no wood. Go out and fetch wood!"

The simpleton took two axes, sat in the sled, but did not harness the horses to it.

"Oh, yes that's right... By the pike's command, by my own request, roll, sled, into the woods! A-AH!"

There, it is moving well, da? So, the sled rolled speedily forward as though someone were driving it with a horse. The simpleton had to drive through the town, and without a horse he ran over so many people that it was a disaster.

"O-OH NO! I-I'M SO SORRY! Oh meus Deus, I didn't mean for this..."

Well, this is very messy. Lots of blood, da? Luckily it was all faceless extras. But the people demanded that he stop and pay for his cries. Instead the simpleton entered the woods, got off the sled, sat down on a tree trunk and said:

"I-I'm a murderer... even if they were faceless extras this is just... oh God what will Italy say? B-but... L-let one ax cut from the root, let the other ax chop wood!"

And the wood was chopped and loaded onto the sled. The simpleton said:

"N-now ax, go out and cut a stick for me so that I will have something to lift the load with."

The ax cut a stick for him; the stick came and lay on the sled. The simpleton sat in the sled and drove homeward. He passed through the town, but there the people had assembled to wait for him. The caught him and began to belabor him.

"Belabor?"

Oh, it means to attack or assault physically or verbally.

"Oh. Well, I have no choice then! By the pike's command, by my own request, go, stick, and take care of this mob!"

So the stick jumped up and set about hitting and thrashing to left and to right, till it had beaten up a great multitude of people, who fell to the ground like sheaves of grain. Thus the simpleton got rid of them and came home, stacked up the wood, and sat on the stove.

"Why the stove, though? Why sit here of all places?"

Well, this story takes place in my home, and the stove is warm, da?

"Well that does make sense. But when is Italy coming? I really need to tell her I'm sorry for not coming back as quickly as I wanted to!"

He... she? Will be here quite soon. Now, the inhabitants of the town went to the king with a petition against the simpleton, stating that he ought to be seized and must be lured by a stratagem. The best of all, they said, would be to promise him a red shirt, a red caftan, and red boots. So the word of the promise was sent to the simpleton straight away.

"How did the townspeople know that my 'brothers' promised me such things?"

You ask a lot of questions. It is a story. Though actually, I think I saw Netherlands in the town smoking something odd and talking about red things to the townspeople...

"Well um... by the pike's command, by my own request, go, stove, take me to the king!"

He sat on the stove, and the stove went straight to the king's house and sat before the throne. The king wished him put to death. Er, wait a moment, the king should be... well I didn't exactly come up with an actual kind since he doesn't have speaking roles but-

"But-a surely you don't object to the GREAT ROMAN EMPIRE making-a cameo, right?"

I-is that who you are? Sorry, I don't remember meeting you in person before, but I admire your ability to conquer things and bend others to your will.

"Really? I-a mostly just eat and fight and have sex, but sure! Oh, but look, my little Italy is little again! And in a dress... how weirdly adorable! That's my adorable grandson!"

"Um, um, Grandpa Rome, you're squishing me just a little... Oh! Holy Rome!"

"What? You... but... that's... that's the Roman Empire and... w-well, Italy! I'm so sorry I did not come back fast enough!"

"Oh, it's okay, I was waiting for you!"

Ahem, to continue, the daughter conceived a great liking for the simpleton and began to beg her father to let her marry him.

"M-marry me? D-do you think?"

"Marry? Oh! Oh I'd like that very much, Grandpa Rome!"

"What? My-a little Italy is getting married? THEY GROW UP SO FAST! BWAAAAH!"

"D-don't cry Grandpa Rome. A-and you're crushing me again..."

Anyway, her father grew angry, wedded them, and had them both put into a barrel.

"What? I can't-a do that to my sweet little Italy! You've got to be joking!"

"I-I don't want to go into a barrel Grandpa Rome!"

You will be fine! This is a fairy tale, the hero and love interest usually live!

"U-usually? You leave my love Italy alone!"

You live in this one! I swear! Oh come on... just... okay leave the lid off... I would normally force my way but for the sake of respecting a great predecessor I will ask the barrel be allowed to float in the sea here.

"Well-a, I suppose sailing is something Italy isn't bad at... Alright! It was nice seeing you again, Italy!"

Right... so the barrel sailed on the water then with the simpleton and the princess inside. Finally the princess asked,

"Oh! Make that we be thrown out onto the shore?"

"Oh, right! I have that power, I forgot! So, by the pike's command, by my own request, let this barrel be thrown onto the shore!"

They climbed out of the barrel and now the princess asked him to build a hut.

"That is not good enough for my Italy! By the pike's command, by my own request, let a marble palace be built, and let this palace be right opposite the king's palace!"

All this was accomplished at once, the next morning the king saw the new palace and sent someone to find out who was living in it. As soon as he heard that his daughter was living there, he demanded that she and her husband appear before him. They came, the king kind forgave them, and they began to live happily ever after and to prosper! Is that not nice?

"Married... at last. A-and now we're in a barrel. Um... I-I love you, Italy!"

"Oh, I love you too, Holy Rome!"

"You're the most beautiful girl in the world!"

"Huh? But... I'm a boy."

"Oh, sorry, most beautiful b- b-b-BOY?! YOU'RE A BOY?!"

"Ah, si?"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"Huh? Well I just thought it was obvious..."

"B-but... YOU WERE WEARING A DRESS!"

"Well Mr. Austria put me in that. I thought it was weird, but I didn't really think it was a big deal. Big brother Spain put Romano in a dress too."

He did? That's amusing, da? Anyway, that's the end of the tale! Chibiski Chibiski Adorus Accomplus!

"GAH!"

"EEP!"

And now you are back to normal! Well, Italy is still in a dress but that's not really a problem, da?

"Woah, my head feels funny Ludwig... AH! W-what's Russia doing here? What's going on?"

"I-I don't know Italy, but I don't like it! Schiesse... Russia, you leave Italy out of your twisted games! We're leaving!"

Okay! Bye-bye! Hmm, Germany seems angry with me for some reason. Oh well! I wonder where Gilbunny ran off to... maybe I'll just find out what Netherlands was smoking and join him instead. I don't think I've spent any time having 'fun' with him before! It could be entertaining! Alright readers, until next time! Do svidanya!

XOXOXO

"A FISH! A MOTHERFUCKING FISH! I'M BETTER THAN PLAYING A FISH DAMN IT! I HAVE STANDARDS!"

Prussia had randomly burst into Latvia's house, making the small nation scream and burst into tears in the kitchen where he had been getting cookies out of the oven. Lithuania and Estonia had rushed from the living room to his aid, only to find Prussia ranting about indignities and whatnot. While in a giant fish costume, his face poking out of the fish's open mouth. It was rather distracting.

"WE'RE GOING BACK TO ENGLAND'S HOUSE!" Prussia screamed at the Baltics, "And THIS time, if he's not there, we're going to WAIT THERE for weeks if we have to until he gets back! AND WE'LL EAT ALL HIS FOOD!"

Lithuania winced. "Er, h-have you ever actually eaten Mr. England's food before?"

"Huh? Well, no, but it can't be THAT bad, like everyone says, right? I mean Francis is overly dramatic and doesn't even like MY awesome food so he's obviously really picky," Prussia shrugged.

The Baltics looked at each other, then back at Prussia.

"Well," Estonia said slowly, taking off his glasses to wipe on his shirt, "I suppose it's for the best."

And so the alliance was reformed and Prussia and the Baltics were on the next plane to England. Hopefully things will work out for them this time around.

((Joyful Note: So... in the next one of these interludes we're going to have them actually find England I suppose. Will he be helpful? I suppose we shall see. And yes... I'm back. Somehow. Maybe I can get another spurt of 3 or 4 of these out before I vanish for months again.))