Title: 5 Times Moriarty's Tentacles Were Naughty, and One Time They Were Nice (but not in any chronological order!)
Pairing: Moriarty and Moriarty, really. Plus his massive crush on Sherlock
Genre: Crack/ Tentacle/ Humor/ Parody
Rating: Gen
Warnings: Swearing, somewhat sexy situations, some violence, attraction between men
Summary: Started from a prompt on a kinkmeme – 'Moriarty with tentacles! We need this!' Much discussion happened, and it was suggested that the tentacles had minds of their own, which led to speculation on what they would get up, which led – inevitably - to crack.

Moriarty has eight tentacles along his back, which can retract into his body. Doesn't that sound all cool and villain-ish? Unfortunately for the Great Consulting Criminal, they have minds of their own...

*Note – the series are not presented in chronological order.

St. Barts, March 30th

Moriarty is SO excited.

It had been a breeze, flirting with that wet Molly Hooper, using her in order to meet Sherlock face to face. Sherlock Holmes. He hitches up his underwear, which are getting more uncomfortable the more he thinks about him.

I wonder if he'll know it's me/Of course he'll know!/Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

The tentacles on his back give a great throb, as if of displeasure at the trend of his thoughts.

Piss off! He thinks angrily. Not even you lot can spoil this moment. They vibrate, then subside sullenly.

He pokes his head through the door, playing 'Jim from IT.' All awkward and starstruck, except of course, he isn't really playing. Starstruck, that is. Look at him. Perfect!

Sherlock looks him up and down with that cool gaze of his, and dismisses him. Dismisses him! "Gay."

Oh like you're not, for all you act so aloof! How could he not know it's me/Thank god he didn't guess/Who is Mr. Clever Trousers now huh Sherlock?

Utter GLEE.

Moriarty throws a quick glance at that upstart nobody John Watson. He moves away from Molly and between John and Sherlock possessively, hovering over Sherlock's shoulder. MINE. Palming the paper with his phone number, he knocks over the metal dish, and puts it back with the note underneath.

"Sorry! Sorry!"

John turns away (in embarrassment at his pretended clumsiness?) and suddenly starts, straightening up quickly. He steps quickly away from Moriarty and folds his arms, turning his back.

Jealous much, bitch?

It is perfect. His satisfaction and lust are like candies melting in his mouth. Oh, Sherlock. What I wouldn't give... His tentacles again pulse warningly against his back, distorting the fit of his tight t-shirt. Uh oh, must dash before things get out of control.

He arranges a quick after-work drink with Molly (wish it was with you, dearest Sherlock) and says goodbye, looking longingly at the man.

"It was nice to meet you."

There is no response. Sherlock only tightens his lips and steadfastly looks into the microscope. Disappointed, Moriarty takes his leave.

Until next time, darling boy.

Once beyond the doors, he hurries quickly to the nearest W.C. to get himself in hand.

"...and I'd say you'd better break it off now and save yourself the pain."

Molly looks at Sherlock with furious disbelief and pain in her face, shakes her head slightly, and slams out of the lab. Sherlock watches her with an air of real puzzlement at her actions.

John grimaces slightly. "Charming. Well done."

Sherlock turns to him. "Just saving her the time. Isn't that kinder?"

"Kinder? No, no – Sherlock, that... wasn't kind."

There is a pause. John shrugs a shoulder.

"You're right though. A poofter, through and through."

"You agree then?"

"Well, in spite of the fact that he could hardly tear his eyes away from your gorgeous self, he did manage to find time to pinch my arse."

Sherlock looks surprised. "You, too?"

"Yes! Wait... he goosed you, too?"

Sherlock taps a finger against his lips. "Moves quickly, does Jim from IT. How did he manage that, I wonder?"

"Yes. Poor Molly. Well, maybe it was kinder to tell her."

"Indeed."

The detective and the doctor look at each other.

"You're surprised he pinched me?"

"Not at all, John. You know I think you are quite fit. So... you think I'm gorgeous?"

John smiles his sweet quirky smile, eyes crinkling with amusement and fondness. "Vain."

Moriarty tears the headset off and throws it across the room.

"Damn it. Damn it. Damn it!"

The bug he'd placed in the lab had recorded the conversation after he'd left. He is bloody FURIOUS.

"You!" he spins in a circle, trying to reach the spots on his back where the tentacles come out. "You did this!"

The tentacles withdraw away from his groping fingers into indentations, and quiver. He could swear they are giggling.