So, I watched Big Time Breakup for the first time today, and as the boys sang in white like angels, I had a splurge. I know I know! I write TOO MUCH! I had to, I HAD TOO! I've never done a Kames story and it was begging on it's knees! (Anybody get the 'Victorious' joke? It's Victoria Justice's song) I know, WTF are you doing listening to that? I don't know it's was catchy! Damn you Nickelodeon for making those songs catchy! And damn you Big Time Rush for being so hot in white. Damn you color white.

We raced through the airport until I got stopped by security, who was nowhere near where you get checked which didn't make sense.

"Please, I just need to get through. I need to stop my boyfriend!" I said to them, the small one laughed

"Fairy" He mumbled and the big one glared at him. Usually I would've done two things: go on an angry rampage with the little one, or be crushed

"Shut up" He told them "My son was gay, and he died without telling me. Go get 'em tiger" I smiled at him as I ran towards the only thing that kept me breathing.

I stood there in front of Kendall and so many other strange people. Kendall looked at me with pleading eyes but I didn't want him to go.

"James" He sighed, I wasn't having this. First I had a fucking time getting him and I'm not losing him now

"Kendall, please don't go" Half way across the world to get a bigger record deal. I mean of course we all told him to go for it, that he deserved it and he did.

"James, it's people behind me" He nervously laughed. He didn't want to go, I know the only reason he put us together, in this group was to get a better life for his mom and Katie.

"They can wait" I told him, Kendall was my life, the reason I breathe. A flurry of obscenities just flew at us but I didn't give a damn because I wasn't going home without him.

"James, I have to" He took his hand and tried to push me away

"Damnit Kendall" I shouted before I pushed my lips to his in an effort to make him stay. I pulled away and he just stared at me, teary eyed.

"I'm sorry amant" That made me want to break more. He gripped his suitcase handle and started walking.

"I'm sorry, Kendall. Whatever I did, just I don't wanna go home without you" He stopped, and turned around, he didn't move and the tears started falling. He lifted my chin and kissed my lips sweetly.

"Je t'aime, forever" He broke away, he kissed my hand as a pain broke in my chest. He started walking, and I felt Logan's hand on my shoulder.

"Let's go James" I was frozen. I couldn't move, how could I without a heart? Kendall has it, he's taking it with him to Paris. I felt him and Carlos tug at my arm, I watched him leave.

"James, we need to go" I just gave in, I listened. We walked somberly to the car and they sandwiched me, they used to do that all the time, except it'd be me and Kendall. He's off to Paris, to his solo career and a chance to meet the father he's never seen. We got in the car and I was still in that frozen state. Nothing was clicking for me, not even the fact that the love of my life left me. We got home and I sat on the couch, just aimlessly staring at the wall. I mean I heard Carlos and Logan's whispers of plans to cheer me up but that's it.

"I'm going to uh, go to bed" I said, we moved the beds around so Carlos and Logan could share a room, they're practically one person. As soon as I opened the door it was like something slapped me in my chest. He's gone, everything, his clothes, his shoes he even made his fucking bed! I bit my lip, trying to hold back tears but I couldn't. They slid down my cheeks as I huddled up on the floor, then I saw it. His sweatshirt, I bought it for him for a gift, cheering him up when he got cheated on and I hated how it made him feel. I took off my shirt and put it on and as soon as I put it over my head I smelled Kendall. I slipped my arms through and his scent suffocated my nose. How could he leave me? And kiss me and tell me goodbye? I slipped in his bed and my hand his something hard, I ignored it. My tears hit Kendall's pillow as I snuggled into his bed. I want him here, and not in Paris but what can I do? I can't stop him, I just can't. I went to grasp the top of the pillow and I scraped my finger on something, I lifted the pillow in rage, there lie a black notebook and a tape recorder. 'Play Me' was written on it. I knew this was going to break me even more, but I played it anyway. My shaky finger pushed the button and it started playing.

"Hi amant" More tears slid down my cheek, this was going to be hard for me to be away for Kendall, for who knows how long.

"I thought that you would like to hear my voice when you go to sleep. James, Je t'aime et je suis tellement désolé. Je t'aime de tout mon coeur et ne jamais penser autrement. Maybe, soon enough you'll figure out what that means since you combed your hair in French class. And I got you that book because I really want you to write how you feel, everyday, each and everyday. Promise me that you will" The whole frontside of his pillow was soaked in my salty tears. My heart hurt more than it ever did, damnit Kendall.

"I promise" I cried

"Good night angel" I bit my lip so hard, I could taste the blood on my toungue. To be honest, I've never felt better. The pain in my lip made the pain about Kendall go away, even if it was for a second. I opened the book and looked at the cover inside. 'Bonne Chance' was written in Kendall's fancy writing, I always loved the way he wrote. Okay, he wants me to write, I'll write.

Day 1

Kendall left me at the airport broken. My heart is broken and I don't want it anymore, I don't even have it anymore. I love that boy so much and for him to just leave me, just leave me and just let me go hurt so much. I have his sweatshirt on and I'm in his bed, I barely got through today so I don't understand how I'll ever manage to get past tomorrow or a week from now. Carlos and Logan have tried to be supportive, but I guess you don't heal a broken heart. I mean Kendall's been there through everything and I just can't live without the boy, I just don't think it's possible. I mean I try to be perfect, be someone everybody will love, so I won't piss my father off, keep my mother happy and Mama Knight and keep Logan and Carlos good and I don't know if I can. Fake smiles break hearts, right along with Kendall Knight. I'm just waiting, maybe he'll come back and he'll just save me from all this fucking misery. Maybe music will calm me down somehow, I don't know. I poured my whole heart and soul out to that boy and he just left. Just left. I'm sorry it happened, I mean, I want nothing better than for him to be happy, but at what costs? I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll die in my sleep.

J.D.

I slid the notebook and tape recorder on the table and flipped the pillow and laid down. God, everything smells just like Kendall. My eyes are puffy and I can barely see out of them.

"James, you okay?" Carlos's voice lost it's pep, his excitement.

"Trying" I mumbled. I felt the bed dip as the small Latino sat on the bed, he put his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm here for you" I turned around to see that he took his helmet off. He only took it off on special occasions.

"Thanks Carlos" I told him and turned back around. He left the door open, but since I could barely open my eyes, I my eyes didn't hurt. I was now in pitch blackness, I used the daylight to write in the notebook. I turned back around and let the sleep pull me under.

I woke up and I was sweating, I was burning up. I looked around the dark empty room in a panic, but then realized that Kendall wasn't there. I walked to the bathroom and ogled myself in the mirror, I was a mess. My eyes were puffy, inflated like balloons. I still had Kendall's shirt on, and I slept in his bed last night. How do you take down swelling? I was never good at this. I put on some glasses, that Kendall bought me and walked out. Only Logan and Carlos was there.

"Hey Buddy" Carlos said, I nodded and sat down with them. I didn't feel like eating, and even if I did I'm not sure I'd actually do it.

"How's the book?" Carlos asked and Logan shot him a look

"Sorry Logie, it slipped" He said

"It's fine, so how is it? It's day two" Logan said

"Lonely" I offered a weak smile, not nearly as bright as Kendall's. This is the beginning of day two, wow time goes fast. I stared at the television, realizing that it actually looked bigger than I thought.

"James, the TV isn't on" Carlos almost whispered

"Oh, I kinda spaced out. Sorry" I said

"It's okay. What do you wanna eat? Katie and Mama Knight went on a grocery run" He said, I nodded

"I'm not really that hungry" I told him, he nodded

"If you do, tell me okay?" He asked, I nodded. My eyelids felt kind of droopy, but I ignored it, they were puffy and ugly anyway.

"What's on TV?" I asked, Carlos got excited

"There's an old hockey game on I think" Carlos said, hurriedly grabbing the remote, almost dropping it and catching it which earned a chuckle from Logan.

"We can watch that" I said, bringing my legs to my chest.

"You're wearing that sweatshirt" Logan laughed, I smiled

"Yeah, only piece of clothing he left behind" I explained to him, he nodded, I hugged my arms around my leg tighter. I would feel better if those were Kendall's arms, I wish he was here, I wish he didn't leave me, I wish for a lot of things. But I guess a guy can only dream. I closed my eyes and imagined those gorgeous green eyes staring back at me and I lost it. I gasped for air, I couldn't breathe, I should be in a fucking bubble.

"James, you have to breathe" It made me seem more pathetic that I'm crying infront of him

"It's gonna be okay man" Carlos's hand was on my knee

"James, listen to me breathe!" Logan said sternly. He was Mr. Doctor. My chest tightened and tightened and tightened and I felt like I couldn't take one breath of air for my lungs.

"JAMES!" Logan yelled and I took in too much air, and I started choking, and coughing, scratching my chest as if that was suddenly going to make everything okay.

"James, look at me" I turned and he took off my glasses and my head went down "James, look at me" He said

"No" I told him

"Then listen to me!" He shouted "1, 2, 1, 2" He repeated, 1 was for inhale, 2 for exhale. He taught me that when we were younger and I'd forget my asthma pump at home. He was always the smart one. I did as he told me, and calmed myself down.

"James, I couldn't give a damn how you looked. I'm still your BFAM" I did a short laugh, and Carlos caught it.

"You laughed, you remembered" He said

"I'd always remember" I whispered

"Just, just look at me" Logan said, I knew I was just going to regret this. I lifted my head, showing him both eyes which I could barely see out of. I'm lucky I even made it in here.

"It's okay James, we'll figure this out. Somehow"