Okay, so I didn't realize that I had started two chapter 8's, until I was ready to post. And they start in different directions, the first a very sweet little phone call and then this one.

I decided to be a jerk and post this one. Reading reviews always gives me inspiration and I decided to use orcaluver's advice and give him a nightmare.

Sorry about this being all late, but I was writing for a new BTR story: Four words: James = Cop, Kendall = Firefighter! Sorry, I get too excited sometimes. So, I hope you guys like!

I could see him again, I could see the lonely, saddened emerald eyes staring at me as I pleaded for him to stay. He just looked at me, whispering 'sorry' and 'I love you' as I stood, clinging to him. Even, even as I told him that I couldn't live without him, that he was my reason for breathing; he just mumbled that he was sorry, that things would get better, that I could live without him.

I could feel my chest tightening, as my breaths became shorter and shorter; when I coughed, I could feel pain shooting up my throat. I could feel my heart breaking all over again.

Hands were on me, shaking me, tightening around my arms as they held me down.

"NO!" I screamed, but I didn't hear my own voice, I couldn't hear anything as I shook from someone else's hands. I felt water on my forehead as I shot up, panting and coughing. I began choking, my chest growing tight.

"James, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2" I tried counting with Logan, almost forgetting the meaning of the numbers. I closed my eyes, and wiped my face with my hands, trying to figure out what in the hell happened.

"You had a nightmare" Logan murmured, I scratched the back of my head; a nightmare.

Normally, when I had nightmares, Kendall was the first one to be by my side comforting me. He'd hold me until I'd fall asleep, and I'd wake up in the morning with his scent all over me.

"What time is it?" Carlos sighed, looking at his watch

"Uh, 4:24 why?" Logan looked at him, to which Carlos stared back. I stared at Logan until I heard Carlos's small "Oh"

"I'll get the phone" Carlos mumbled, before leaving the room; from the way Logan was looking at me, I could tell that he wanted to talk about this.

"So, do you want to talk about it?" He looked at me, a small helpful smile creeping onto his lips; I just shook my head no

"Okay, I'm here whenever you do" I nodded, and stared down at the blanket in my lap as I heard Carlos's thumping in the other room. I can't even describe the look on his face, so desperately, he wants me happy, but at the same time, he wants Kendall happy.

Carlos came back, and thrust the phone near Logan's face. He stayed quiet for a few seconds, until he said "He wants to talk to you" Logan chuckled at his boyfriend's dramatically entrance.

"Hey Kendall" I flinched at his name, even though we had gotten so far and I was doing better "Yeah…I'm not sure…yeah, hold on" Logan handed me the phone, a small friendly smile on his face as I hesitantly reached for the phone. To be honest, I was scared. Scared to realize that he really did go half way around the world; that he did leave me crying in the airport, with a homophobe security guard.

Logan and Carlos quietly eased themselves out of the room as Kendall's voice came through on the phone. I stared at the wall, trying to convince myself not to cry; that I was stronger than that.

"Jamie, amant, talk to me" I bit down, on my lip; clenching my fist "James" I furiously rubbed at my eyes, but I could feel the tears smearing already

"James, talk to me please" I sniffled, as my chest heaved for air. I gripped the phone tightly as I held it up to my ear.

"James, what's wrong?" I tried to calm myself to answer him; but all that came from my mouth was mumbles and unfinished words.

"I-I" I began, I sighed; trying to calm myself down "h-had a nightma-mare" I sounded like a child, who had woken up in fear of the boogeyman standing at his bedside. I was surprised at my own voice, weak, vulnerable, un-James like of me.

There was nothing but silence on his end, and it made me even want to cry more. I bit down on my lip harder, even if I was beginning to bleed.

"James, there's so much I want to say to you; and…I can't" He swallowed, already it was becoming difficult for him to speak "I'm sorry, and I know I say that every time we talk, but damnit, I am" I wanted Kendall to be right here next to me

"I want you home!" I pleaded for him, even though I know it's tearing him apart. I feel so guilty, for feeling the way I do; but damn me if I'm not guaranteed to my feelings.

"I know" By now, the tears were coming down in streams; I could feel my own heart breaking "I wish that I could drop everything, and be with you" But you can't. It's not the fact that someone's in front of me, but that being in this relationship with him; I have to be willing to make sure everyone else is better off before me. I mean, yeah that's great but; how great is it when I'm alone at the end of the day?

"James?" His voice sounded shaky, and suddenly the bed grew so much colder

"Yeah?" My voice matched his, our worlds were just tumbling out of control

"C-could you read me something? From your journal?" No. I felt like I could barely breathe, my chest tightening again, as my eyes stung, even worse than before. I couldn't, I c-can't..

"F-fire" I mumbled, breaths shaky and uneven "F-FIRE!" No doubt I was seconds from breaking away as Kendall's scared voice came through on the phone. I dropped the phone on the bed, and hugged my legs to my chest as the tears came.

If I could, I would drown myself in them; get some relief, where was Logan? He was the one to create this so safe word. And as the thought flickered in my head, I tried to fight with myself. I didn't need to cut, but I did. I didn't need to feel the pain, but I did. I reached over into my bedside table, I took out the small enveloped and emptied it in my hand. I sat the envelop down gingerly as I gripped it in my hand. My hand; my shaky hand; my pale, shaky hand.

Tears exploded from my eyes, and all my hand did was shake.

"James? James?" Kendall's sob worn voice just kept repeating my name, over and over

"James don't" I looked over to see the high pitched voice, coming from Carlos; glassy eyes, as he walked closer and closer to me

"But I-I need it" I felt cold, numb, I couldn't feel the tears anymore; but I saw his red eyes, on the verge of breaking down. He began easing closer to me and I gripped the razor tighter.

"James" He squeezed his eyes shut "Please" I felt his hand touch mines, and I flinched. His fingers snaked the blade away from me, and he put it on the nightstand as I gazed at my hand.

"It's okay, it's okay" Carlos eased towards me, and pulled me into a hug as I sobbed onto his shoulder. Everything was coming down hard on me, and I was the least of expecting it.

"It'll be okay, it'll be okay" Somehow, I put a little ounce of faith in his words; even if I knew, in my head and heart that they were lies. Everything that I had once found happiness, and comfort, and a safe place is gone; like a beloved teddy ripped from the arms of it's young owner. For now, it-he's just gone.

When I woke up, it was already past 10, which meant school started. I showered and dressed, seeing no one around, I headed out the apartment door and to the other side of the hotel. I couldn't get this morning out of my head. I didn't cut myself, I bailed on the one person who loved me most, I let everybody down. I gripped the handle of the door; feeling that somehow I was going to regret this. I opened the door, and as expected all eyes were on me.

"Mr. Diamond, nice to have you back" Miss Collins, stood at the chalkboard; and stopped writing when I came in. I sheepishly nodded, and quickly took my seat, next to Carlos and in back of Logan. I opened my notebook and started writing.

"There's a reason we didn't wake you" Carlos leaned over and murmured, careful not to let Miss Collins catch him

"I know, but Carlos" I sighed, looking at the front of the room; then back to him "I have to start somewhere, even if I don't want to" He offered a small smile, before clapping me on the back. Even though I came late, I couldn't sulk. Out of all this, there's one lesson Kendall taught me: sometimes you have to make the first move; even if you don't want to.

Logan 'stretched' and handed me a note; neatly folded. I took it, and opened it reading his words.

I'm so proud of you!

I smiled, was it a lie? I mean, what was there to be proud of? I stopped day dreaming, and looked at the note to realize he wrote something else:

Seriously, I'm SO proud of you! And it's not only me, Carlos, and Mama Knight, Katie!

I chuckled, very 'Logan-like' of him. I quickly scribbled down my reply, and slipped it under his arm. When he opened it, he scoffed; and hastily began writing his answer. Before long, the note was again on my desk

That you came to school, especially after last night. It takes bravery and courage to do that

I'm not quite sure if what Logan said, I would call 'correct', he says a lot of things, smart things. Bravery and courage? Bravery and courage? I'm not so sure that I have those kinds of qualities. As the class was dismissed, signaling the end of school Logan came up and…hugged me. At first, I was taken back by it; before I returned the hug.

"I really am proud of you James" Just smile, I accomplished nothing, so no reason to feel proud of me Logan! I smiled as the both of us walked out of the classroom; Carlos trailing behind, Logan's arm was tossed carelessly over my shoulders.

Of course I was uncomfortable, of course I wanted to go home and cry in the dark, of course I wanted to slit my wrist until they bled; but I didn't. I just, sucked it up and carried on with my life.

"Hey, James" I turned at the high pitched voice, small smile, blonde hair

"Hi Jo" Even though it shouldn't have been, Jo's been a friend ever since I got here and when he broke up with her to go 'rainbow' with his best friend; she…understood.

"How you holdin' up?" I could feel her small hand, rubbing my back; trying to give off comfort

"Trying" I mumbled to her, she nodded

"It'll get better eventually" She rubbed my shoulder, and weakly, I smiled at her "Listen, I gotta go but I'll call okay?" I nodded the little 'chats' everyone seemed to be having, had really no effect over me.

"Yeah" I nodded to her as she walked off, leaving me to Logan and Carlos, who lazily had an arm around my shoulders. I had homework, including the missed work Miss Collins made sure to give me; I guess we can go to a regular high school now that we don't sing anymore. Sing, it used to be my life; and I loved doing it, especially with the guys. We made our way back to the apartment, and I headed into my room. I spread out all the homework on the bed, and changed out of the jeans, and into sweatpants and sat criss-crossed in front of the sheets of work. I grabbed my iPod, and turned the music up, letting it fill my ears. Relax, music helped me relax; if I concentrated on the words, it's as if a realm opens and I'm away for a few. Usually, blissfully sleeping but the work in front of me says otherwise.

I grabbed the pencil, leaning over and studying the sheets in front of me carefully. I mean, of course this wasn't 'usual' music for me, I mean before I was 14 I had no idea who 'The Killers' were. They were, of course rarely listened to, but preserved for…special feelings; a lot like whatever the hell I'm feeling now.

I'm proud of you!; Seriously, I'm SO proud of you! And it's not only me, Carlos, and Mama Knight, Katie!; That you came to school, especially after last night. It takes bravery and courage to do that

Logan's words just repeated inside my head. I still don't quite understand it, what in the hell did I do? Maybe I shouldn't have gone to school, and then what James? Just show your dad another reason you shouldn't have come? I sighed, coming out here was one of the best things I've ever done; completely being ignorant, I never thought of the first and I wasn't going to. I stopped, and wiped my face with my hands, as I was poked with something in my lower back; I turned and lifted the pillow, and just stared.

The journal, and tape recorder lay where they have for about the last few days. I didn't have a 8th entry. I opened it, I'm keeping this promise.

Day 8

We can start somewhere. I had a nightmare, and in that nightmare a certain person 'left' and when I woke up, I found it true; like I was running after some type of imaginary Kendall. Logan and Carlos where there, and called Kendall and he asked me to read a entry. I told him no, well actually I said the safe word and no one came. You don't understand how close I was to cutting, even though my arm was healing, the lines scabbing over; I was so close, but yet when I looked in Carlos's eyes he looked so broken; just by me doing that little thing. And, I didn't cut. For the first time, I didn't. It feels weird, and all I did was cry for about two hours until it gave me a headache and put me to sleep. I also went to school today, and saw Jo. She said some 'seemingly' comfort words and Logan said something and I'm still confused about it. He said that he was proud of me, but I don't understand what for. I told him what Kendall would always say: sometimes you have to make the first move; even if you don't want to. God knows I didn't wanna go to school, but I did and now I'm here, doing homework; or rather writing this entry and listening to music. Even though Kendall's the one who got me writing in this journal; I feel it's the only thing that I do have control over, that won't…leave me.

J.D.

I closed the book, and slipped it back under my pillow and started on the work again. When I wrote, I felt like I was talking to someone, like I was able to get my feelings out, even if it was a little; a release. I shook my head, focusing on the paper, the numbers, the words. Trying to make myself believe that it's not just about me feeling like a hopeless cause, but more about me getting through this. Yeah, I'm not the only one suffering; yeah, I'm not the only one who cried, but at least I'm done sulking, or at least I think I am. Now, I just have to catch up with everyone else.