Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.

In the second part of the epi, we learned that Paul, weasel that he is, decided to get revenge on Bruce the Bad-ass Honey badger by poisoning food and leaving it out for him to eat. Bruce, some raccoons, and a group of skunks all shared the meal, and all became deathly ill. The animals summoned Edward. Aro could not be separated from his newest minion, so he turned Bruce, and a few other animals, too. Douglas decided that Paul needed to be punished. Lots. Paul is never going to know what hit him. Doesn't he know the animals really run this place? And so we begin.

Paul of the stinky wolves poisoned my friends in cold blood. I may weigh less than five pounds, but I was squirrel enough to make that dog suffer. I also had friends. Lots of friends. Disreputable ones that didn't much like the wolves. I was going to teach this Paul a lesson if it took me eternity to do it. The first thing I did was go to the most spiteful person I knew. Rosalie was busy mounting her husband like a horse. So I asked Edward for help instead. He had little love for the stinky ones.

I led Edward to the bodies. Well, I shouldn't say bodies. They weren't dead. Yet. That funny little man whose name sounded like someone was howling, Aro, stood over Bruce the badger and clicked his tongue.

I put my paw against his foot and thought, "Turn him! He'll give the wolves hell!" Whatever that meant. But it sounded nasty. Aro didn't look like the forgiving type.

Aro bend down and cut Bruce and started drooling on him. Did I mention that his spit was vile? I watched as he turned all my friends. His children came and lifted their twitching bodies and carried them back to Edward's. They sent the head wolf to Paul to yell at him. But I wanted more. Fortunately for me, Aro and Edward agreed. I had to wait for Bruce to wake up from his turning.

When Bruce woke up we gathered the animals together for a meeting. We all agreed that Paul needed to suffer. And then die. But lots of suffering first. Jerk.

Bruce and I decided to do a reconnaissance run as Marcus called it. He sent a newborn vampire named Angus with us. Angus was a small thin man with big eyes. He didn't say much. What he did say got our attention.

"If it was me, I'd make sure he couldn't enjoy that girlfriend. Ever."

We rode on his shoulder as Angus ran. I tugged on his ear when I wanted him to slow down. We found Paul and his girlfriend naked in bed. So much for her swearing she was never going to have sex again. Bruce and I stared at each other and nodded. Paul had earned this. And man, those two humans were obnoxiously loud when mating.

Bruce leaped through the window and blitzed across the room so fast if you blinked you'd miss him. While he was at it, he scraped both sets of claws across Paul's engorged genitals. Paul let out this breath-taking scream of, "Oh, Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Ah no! Help! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!"- which distracted the girl just the perfect amount for me.

The things I do for revenge. I hope my wife understands this was personal, not pleasure. I bit his girlfriend on the breast. She tasted like beans and her blood was weak. Then like any sane animal, I ran for my hide.

She screamed, fell to the ground and started twitching. Paul was too busy yowling over his man parts to pay attention to his girlfriend. Finally he passed out. Wonder what he was going to think when he woke up and found himself in a locked room with a bloody dick and a vampire girlfriend? Could I plan things or what?

"Cindi, honey," Paul murmured, "Can you get me some ice or something? I'm dying here." He pointed at his dick and whimpered. When ten minutes passes and Cindi didn't stop thrashing on the ground, perhaps that got Paul's attention. He wasn't used to getting ignored. Yet. Oh karma was such a sweet bitch.

"Cindi, I'm not kidding. Stop messing around. I'll take you out to dinner like I promised if you help me," Paul whined. Cindi kept thrashing on the ground, which looked like it hurt.

While Paul was distracted, we decided to do a little house cleaning. Bruce the Badger took Paul's cell phone. I chewed through the wires on the outside of the house, so his other phone wouldn't work. Frick and Frack, the raccoon brothers and Huey, Duey, and Louie all showed up to help. They thought that spraying eau de pissed off skunk on Paul's door would keep nosy neighbors from coming to the house. Bruce seemed to think Aro would be proud. We left Paul whimpering to go tell him what we did.

Thanks so much for reading. I'm having a little too much fun with the animals. Please review! Gus and Douglas are waving at you.