Warning: This contains Twilight-bashing. If you are against this in any way, please don't read. Thank you.

Prologue

Professor Dolores Umbridge, who taught Defence Against the Dark Arts and was also High Inquisitor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, stood standing near her desk, arms crossed in leering satisfaction. She was a most toad-like woman with bulging eyes, a large and most unattractive mouth, and a broad face. A black velvet bow was perched in her mousy hair and she wore a fuzzy pink cardigan over a hideous outfit of green tweed.

She watched as the Gryffindors – no, Gryffindorks, as she remembered fondly from her schooldays – filed in silently, some glancing at her reproachfully, others glaring even. She smiled sweetly at them once they were all seated.

"For your, ah, less than exemplary behaviour in the past few classes," Umbridge said, twirling her wand in her stubby fingers. "I will require you to all read this." She snapped her fingers. A black hardcover landed on her desk with a thud, the students' eyes following the movement.

Its cover was adorned with pale arms, in which a red, luscious-looking apple rested in the palms.

"What's that?" Weasley asked, the dimwitted redhead.

Umbridge smiled again. "But I had already told you, Mr Weasley. I regret to tell you that you and your fellow fifth years have fallen out of step for some reason I cannot fathom, and so I will punish you by making you read this book."

"The title of this book," she continued, "is 'Twilight'. It was written by the author Stephenie Meyer. It is a Muggle young adult romance novel involving vampires and such."

Potter, sitting beside the Mudblood, Granger, raised an eyebrow at that. The idiotic Brown girl was squealing along with one of the Patil twins – Parva or something, Umbridge knew that she was rubbish with these foreign names – that they absolutely adored romance novels. The Longbottom fool looked confused, while Finnigan and Thomas were glaring at her. Weasley was gaping and Granger was frowning, her obnoxious mouth a thin line.

"Your additional homework is to read the preface and the first chapter for next class."

Finnigan whistled in a derogatory manner at that. "Woman, you want to make us blokes... read a vampire love story?"

A few of his peers nodded along at that.

"There is no problem there, Mr Finnigan, at boys reading romance..." Umbridge said pleasantly. "Except, of course, your sexisms... Anyhow, come see me after class to schedule the date of your detention, and ten points from Gryffindor for your abysmal disrespect."

"Now, wands away, and open your textbooks to chapter..."

I'll be doing one commentary per chapter, with (I hope) different characters commenting in each. There will be others than the fifth years, such as Order members, Death Eaters, Professors, and even Voldemort himself.

Anyways, please read and review!