Dear Sam

I don't know if this will surprise you or not but when you're reading this I will be gone.

You and your brother have been very kind to me and to leave hurts me more than I can say. Thanks to you I found hope. You had no obligation to me, a was a stranger who for all you knew could have wanted the destruction of the world, and yet you took me to a hospital and once I woke up talked to me. You didn't judge me but you wanted to know why I did what I had done. That is more than anyone else would have done.

You listened to me and despite your brother's protests you took me with you. You were there for me all the time even though you had your own problems to deal with. You waited for me, gave me the time and the space I needed. I knew Dean wanted me out as soon as I was able to walk on my own; don't deny it Sam, but you stood up for me against your brother.

For all of that and everything else I cannot thank you enough.

Listing all of this probably sounds pathetic, 'chick-flick-moment' as Dean would say.

I believe he would agree with me when I say that I stayed longer with you than I should have, even if we have completely different reasons for saying that.

I know you denied it many times but when you wake up from another nightmare the next time the devil's face won't stare back at you in your own bed.

You told me from the beginning that you would never confuse me with Lucifer but dreams are tricky things, aren't they? All those nights...it hurt me when you looked at me, eyes wide with panic and instead of seeking comfort you couldn't stay far enough away from me. I know how you feel. Sometimes I look into a mirror and all I see is him.

Don't follow me, Sam. I'm trying to do what's best for both of us. I know that it hurt you too when you realised what you were unconsciously doing, so don't try to find me. I'm sparing us both the pain.

Yours

Nick