Part Three:

Gillian leaves right then and goes straight home. The boiling anger doesn't dissipate on the drive this time though so when she gets inside she dumps her bag unceremoniously and throws her keys in the direction of the table beside the door. She doesn't even care that they slid across the surface to drop to the floor. She kicks her shoes against the couch and actually paces back and forth, coiled tightly with frustration. The last thing she had wanted to do was go in there and start a fight with him. Again. Or tell him those things. They were just mean. Ok, she meant to tell him something along those lines, about not thinking they could have a relationship, and just ending it before it went anywhere. She just hadn't intended to do it like that exactly. She's shocked with herself, a little appalled; she is not that kind of person. No matter how angry she gets she always keeps her cool. She puts it down to them sleeping together, feelings and confusion and residual attraction, hormones or whatever. Why else is she being so irrational right now?

No, not completely irrational. What she had said to Cal was logical and right. She knows that in her head, even if her heart isn't listening to her right now. Even if her heart is protesting quite a lot actually and threatening her with more tears. Her phone starts ringing. She goes back to the door and searches through her bag for it, curious, hopeful and ultimately disappointed with the number when she finally sees it. "Hey Sean," she answers gently, suppressing a sigh and turning to walk through to her kitchen.

"Hi, Gillian, I was wondering, seeing as you were busy for lunch, maybe we could have dinner instead? I know it's a bit short notice but..."

CV PJ

Cal slams his back door shut in a huff and throws his keys at the opposite wall and then stops to listen. Is Emily home? She had called him before. Maybe she planned on showing up for a chat? But the house is silent and dark and still and so he figures he's safe having a tantrum alone. But with the venting out of the way his temper calms down abruptly and he deflates. He crosses to the fridge to stares blankly at the contents for a while. He isn't hungry and he can't focus. He runs his hands over his face and catches the faintest trace of her scent. He presses his nose to his wrist and he can smell her there on his skin. She has survived there all day, right there at his pulse. He sniffs his clothes and can detect more of her. He gives a little groan. Last night floods in and following close on the heels of that is the sickening realisation that he has blown it. Somehow, it's already over.

How can she not even give him a chance? Not just at a relationship of some sort, but to talk, to explain, to make her see what she means to him, what last night had meant to him. Was it really Wallowski that is driving her away from him? Surely she knows him well enough to be able to tell that he isn't lying when he says there is nothing between him and the detective. It wasn't like Gillian to be so callous. She only gets angry with him, or anyone for that matter, when she's particularly involved. Maybe he should take that as a good sign? But it also means she will stop listening and being rational and open minded. And that is not a good thing. Not for Cal. Because if she's not being rational, he doesn't know how else to get through to her.

Maybe he really isn't the relationship kind of guy. He would have tried for her though and he would have tried damn hard. He would have listened to her, done what she asked of him. He wants her to make him a better man. Because he can't get her out of his head and he has started to think she is his only chance at actual genuine happiness. She is the only one to stick by his side so loyally for so long after all. But then maybe she's right, it's too complicated, he's too complicated. He could easily have misread the situation; she is his blind spot after all.

If she doesn't have any faith in him... he hates to admit this... maybe they are better off apart. She's a good judge of character, if not entirely when it comes to men, but by both of those arguments she's probably doing the right thing telling him to back off. At least he had had one night with her. He will treasure that forever and he will think about it often and she can't take that away from him now. She might label it a mistake, but it was no mistake to him. He had tried for something deliberate. Maybe he had not been clear enough. And he might have let himself down, and her for that matter, but at least he had tried. Cal realises he has been staring into the fridge for a long time and it's beeping at him in protest. He closes the door with another sigh. There aren't words for how he feels right now.

CV PJ

She sees something on the bench that makes her stop suddenly. The book. His book. Her copy of his book. The one he had given to her personally with a glint in his eye as if it were a big joke that she should have his advanced author's copy. They both knew if she hadn't pushed him, he wouldn't have written the damn thing. Gillian had put it in her bag and brought it home and left it on the bench to remind her to find space on the bookcase. She hadn't paid much attention to it; she had already read the manuscript. But this evening she realises she hasn't looked inside so she pulls open the cover and flips to the dedication page. She remembers in an instant how those printed words triggered so much, in her and, she hates to admit, in Cal too.

'For my blind-spot. She's always there, even when I don't always see her. But when I dare to actually turn my head and look, everything is so much clearer. I hope I never lose her constant presence, right at my side. Love From Cal xx'.

Gillian frowns as she stares at those handwritten words. Love From Cal. Kiss, kiss. He never signs anything 'love Cal'. It was always just 'Cal' or 'From Cal', or 'C' and once, right in the beginning, her first birthday card from him if she remembered correctly, three years into their friendship, he been signed 'Lightman'. Never love. Never with kisses. She feels a pang in her stomach. He's being genuine. The dedication, this personal message. He's serious. What she had seen in his eye, it was for real and she wasn't wrong in seeing it and she was so much more of a callous bitch now because she's rejecting him. He's probably assumed she has seen this already, has already read it, and is now rejecting him doubly.

Worse. If he was trying to tell her that he was serious about her, about them, on some level, would he really be so careless to run off to Wallowski first thing in the morning after they had made love? He had tried talking to her last night. She was pretty sure. That was why he had said her name but she had been more interested in going to sleep in his arms. Maybe she has screwed this up, not him. Not entirely him. Gillian rubs her eyes with a heavy sigh, her conscience eating away at her quickly. She can't leave it like this for the entire night. She will have to go and talk to him again. She should explain.

CV PJ

A knock on Cal's back door startles him. He runs the towel through his wet hair again, making it stick up at odd angles in the front and back, then tosses the wet material to the stairs. He figures it's Emily at the door, seeing as she still hasn't rung him back, and he hasn't quite had the heart to talk to her and make the call himself. He's wrong; Emily doesn't knock. It's Gillian. She looks slightly ashamed as she stands on his step and asks if she can come in. Cal supposes she can and steps aside to let her enter even though he feels heavy with dread; the last thing he wants now is another fight. He closes the door deliberately, instead of just slamming it, to put his back to her, to give himself some time to think about how he's going to handle this situation. He has just washed their night together down the drain. If that isn't symbolic... he doesn't know what is.

"Can we talk?"

"I guess," he responds glumly, feeling so very sorry for himself, turning now to face her. She doesn't look great either.

"What I said earlier," she starts softly.

He holds up a hand to stop her. "If you're here to tell me the same thing but sugar coat it this time, forget it. I got it the first time."

"No," she says firmly, raising her chin in defiance. "I came to apologise." She pauses slightly and softens her demeanour. "I didn't mean to hurt you like that."

"Yeah well," Cal stutters as he walks towards her. "I neva meant to hurt you at all."

Gillian's gaze sharpens on his and then she looks away and Cal thinks even when he's trying to be sincere she takes it the wrong way. Damn it.

"Me too," Gillian says softly, meeting his eyes again. "I mean, I never meant to hurt you at all. And I'm sorry that I have."

Cal blinks, surprised. He dares to take a step closer to her, where her back is against the island, and she doesn't move away from him. He takes that as a good sign. She seems calmer than before, more defeated if anything and he thinks, maybe, now that the mood is different, they will actually have a decent conversation. But he's also wary, so he waits for Gillian to go first. Because he doesn't know what she wants. And he suspects it's not him.

She watches him for a moment and when he remains silent she gives a slight smile. "Are you too afraid to speak now because it just keeps getting misinterpreted?"

Cal opens his mouth but gives a slight shrug. He may as well have actually said 'yes'.

Gillian sighs, rests a hip against the bench, angling slightly away from him, but getting comfortable. "This got... so crazy. Today."

Cal nods, shifts his weight to his toes. "Yeah."

"Can we start over?"

"Yes please," he gets closer again, within hand reaching distance. He wants to, touch her, but he doesn't. He waits. Gillian watches him a moment and he realises she wants him to go first. He's suddenly nervous. He has to clear his throat. But he can do it. He can be bold. Bold is one of his many middle names. He was going to go first before anyway. He was meant to be showing her that he wanted more right? That was still the truth of it.

"Last night," Cal starts and Gillian looks so attentive she makes him more self-conscious. What if he says it and she says she doesn't feel the same way? That's what she said earlier, that it was a mistake. "Was..." Cal hesitates again, afraid of showing his cards first, not quite able to put her harsh words out of his mind; is that how she really feels about him? She regrets it? "Amazin'."

Gillian's eyes widen a little.

"You're amazin' and I don't regret it. It was," he stops again, feeling stupid. He stares at her instead, his heart beating too hard.

"It was amazing," Gillian agrees but she doesn't look at him. Cal actually breathes a sigh of relief, for a second, but she doesn't go on though and he starts to worry again. She's not jumping in here and he's not sure what else he should say. He gets closer still, waaay into her personal space, but if he's going to bare his soul, then he wants to be able to see it reflected in her eyes.

"It wasn't just a casual shag for me Gill. It meant somethin', all right?" He reaches out for her hand but she shifts so he gets a grip of her forearm instead and she looks down to where their skin meets. "I shouldn't have walked out the door, I can see that now. Cos now you think last night was unimportant. And it wasn't. It really wasn't."

She seems a little surprised and he can see a dampening of her eyes. "All right?" He asks her directly and she nods, looks up to meet his eyes. Finally. They stand for a moment in silence; a silence that isn't entirely fraught and Cal feels optimistic about it again. About them. She needs convincing, that's all. He has to show her, make her understand. He can be different. He will be different. For her.

"Finally had that talk then," Cal tells her, giving her arm a slight squeeze. She nods again, gives a more genuine smile but still doesn't say anything. Cal was hoping for undying declarations but maybe he has to earn that. "Now what?"

"I don't know Cal. It's complicated."

"What's complicated?" He asks gently. Gently, gently, doesn't want to spook her.

"You and me," Gillian tries.

"It doesn't feel complicated to me. You and me have neva been complicated luv."

"You," Gillian clarifies. "You're complicated."

"How am I complicated?" Cal presses, thinking he's being very uncomplicated right now and how does she not see that he's just asking her to be with him?

She says something about him being reckless and he hears 'inadequate', 'defective', 'not up to standard' and a myriad of other half formed thoughts and sentences which is her way of telling him politely that he is just simply not good enough and she is trying to protect herself. He sees the desperation in her eyes for him to understand but that hurt from earlier is back and he's glad he has washed her off his skin.

"Complicated," Cal murmurs and it sounds a bit like defeat.

"With you it will always be complicated," Gillian pauses.

"It doesn't feel complicated to me," Cal says again, because, damn it, he is not giving up that easily. They haven't even had a chance. His hand cups around her ear and he is suddenly so close that his lips are against hers, brushing tenderly, stunning himself with how crazy it makes him feel, how overwhelmed.

Gillian's stomach jumps out, reaching towards him and she shivers, trying to get it back under control, trying to remember to breathe. "You can't argue with this," he murmurs. "I know you feel it."

God she does, she does feel it! And it's amazing, phenomenal... somehow and in some way, wrong. She pulls away from him abruptly but with nowhere to go, the kitchen bench right at her back. "I-I-I," she gapes at him unable to form words. What is happening? What is he doing to her? She is meant to be in control and he is completely undoing her resolve.

"I want you," Cal whispers, bringing his head down to hers in an intimate gesture, resting their foreheads together; there's nowhere else to go.

Gillian steps away from him, pushing him back gently and brushing past. Her head is racing faster than her heart. She tries not to see the hurt on his face or, underneath that, that expression she is having a hard time with; he loves me, he loves me not. "What were you going to say last night?"

He turns to face her. "When?" His tone is patient and she wonders if he is not going to take no for an answer and is simply patiently waiting for her to come around to his way of thinking. That would be a change. Being patient. Wouldn't be the first time he's talked her into something she really didn't think was a good idea.

"Before we went to sleep." She can't bring herself to say 'after we made love' because right about now, it seems like it was someone else.

Cal gets closer to her again, his fingers insisting on brushing against her arm. She doesn't step away, though now it's easy to do so. "Are you sure you want to hear it now?"

"No," she admits.

"I scare you," Cal notes, watching her face.

"Yes," her voice is soft again. But some of it, most of it, is that she's scared of how he makes her feel.

"Why?"

"Because," she starts and then doesn't know what to say exactly. It was that he made her feel something. It was that she hadn't felt that way in a long time. It was Wallowski. It was the recklessness. It was... "I can't ever be sure of you."

"I can't ever be sure of you!" Cal shoots back quickly, but it's not anger. "That's what makes this so thrillin'."

"Thrilling?" Gillian responds, stunned.

He nods. "Scariest, most thrillin', most fantastic feelin' of my whole life."

Gillian feels her legs literally get weaker and she has to go back to lean against the island in the centre of his kitchen to steady herself. "What are you saying Cal?" That she isn't brave enough to face this? Maybe. Probably not what he's saying but he might have a point. Why is she so afraid? Because she can't put Cal into a nice bundle and tie a bow on him? Isn't that what she likes about him? Isn't that what separates him from the Sean's of this world; the ordinary? Isn't that what is attractive about him? She swallows hard as he watches her.

He steps closer to her, as if there is nowhere else for him to be, as if he is compelled and can't physically be more than a foot away from her. "Gill, the book dedication is an apology. The message in it, in your book, that's a declaration. And last night, last night was amazin' and I don't regret it and I neva intended for you to eitha. That's what I'm tryin' to tell you."

Gillian gives a nod to indicate that she's heard him. "What scares me is that you tell me you care about me and we have the most beautiful and amazing night together and then... you just run out the door without a second glance and I feel like another one of the many women who swing in and then right on out of your life. You're a complex person Cal. I'm not always sure I know who you truly are. You don't let many people see you or get close and I understand why, but when that comes to someone you claim to care about... it's lonely."

Cal blinks at that. He watches her for a moment but she doesn't say anything else. Her gaze is steady on him, asking him to respond. "All right, I can see how you might come to that conclusion. But that's not how it was for me. You went to sleep and I was 'all right, we can talk in the mornin', it's not a big deal'. But then in the mornin' the phone rang and you said I should get it..."

"I didn't want you to tell me last night meant nothing."

"I wasn't going to."

"I know that now," Gillian says softly.

"You were givin' me this vibe, like you couldn't get me out of the room fast enough. And you covaed up like you were ashamed... And I guess I just tried not to think about the significance of it all until we talked." He looks into her eyes and raises his eyebrows slightly. "You were ashamed?" He questions gently.

"Well it was you," Gillian starts to explain. "That was seeing me naked." Cal suddenly grins because he just can't help it. Yes it is very noteworthy to him that he saw her naked too. "You're the kind of guy who would take photos of me while I'm asleep and show them to everyone just to see me squirm."

"Aw come on I wouldn't do that," Cal is quickly on the defensive. He pauses for a beat. "All right I would. But not now that I know how you'd really feel about that."

Gillian gives a wry kind of half smile. "How do you think I would feel?"

Cheap. Used.

"Yeah," Cal responds. This is what she was talking about. He needs her to make him human again. He has strayed too far down the path of his job; suspicions and lies and remaining detached. It makes him uneasy all of the time. Gillian makes him feel whole. "And then what happened?"

"I felt like Wallowski was more important to you than me because she rings and you jump."

"And when you ring I jump for you too," Cal points out gently. "You were jealous?"

"Maybe," Gillian mutters looking down at her hands.

"I love that you were jealous."

"Well I hate it. I'm meant to be independent and strong..."

"And you are those things Gill. Strongest person I know," Cal tells her sincerely. "So this is good, talkin' and all that?"

Gillian smiles slightly. "Yes. You're doing very well."

"What I don't undastand," Cal continues cautiously. "Is how you could share somethin' so intimate and special with me and then go runnin' right back to Reardon." This is like a reply of their fight earlier in the evening, but this time with maturity and rational conversation.

Gillian looks mildly surprised. "I didn't go running back to Reardon."

"You had lunch with him."

"Actually I didn't."

Cal covers his surprise with his next question. "You're not sleepin' with him?"

"No," she shakes her head. "We never..." She thinks immediately of who she has slept with recently. The flood of heat through her body is sudden and overwhelming. She knew she liked Cal but she had no idea she is this attracted to him. Does he have to stand so damn close? She has forgotten why she came over here. He's making her see things she hasn't considered before. That he... and she clearly... "We never got that far."

Cal nods this time, watching her intently.

"I'm not seeing him anymore. I called it off," Gillian reveals.

"Oh yeah?" Cal raises his eyebrows at her. "You two weren't serious?" He realises he has clearly misinterpreted whatever he had seen at lunch. He thought the smiles were flirting, he realises now she was being polite.

Gillian shakes her head. "No. He's a nice guy but there just wasn't... anything there."

"Good," he adds firmly. "Because I don't like to share you eitha."

Gillian smiles softly. It feels good to be wanted. It feels like something else entirely to be wanted by Cal. It feels phenomenal to know that today has been a monumental misunderstanding. And there is that nagging heat in her stomach and chest and she just knows there was no way she is going to be able to talk herself or him out of this ever again.

"So will you give us a chance? Me, a chance? I can't promise you roses all the time, but I promise to be there and tend the wounds if the thorns happen to cut. I want to figure out how to make this work."

Gillian gives it a second so she can think about what he's offering her. He's offering her him. He's offering her real life. Not fairytale endings or blue birds singing on sunny mornings. He's offering her all of him, the best and absolute worst. That is more than most men give. They give the best and it is false. Cal is being real with her. He knows she sees him, flaws and all and he is still standing there, asking her if she would love him and be with him and to try. He's willing to try. He wants to. He wants her. More than anything else. He will make sacrifices, do whatever it takes to make it work. He wants the chance to show her how much he loves her. And Gillian wants all of that too.

He sees her at her best and at her worst. Sometimes she has thorns too. He sees them. He doesn't care. He is still there standing before her, telling her, while maybe not saying the words, (but did that even matter when it came to Cal? He is better at showing her, at seeing), but telling her all the same. And he is gently telling her, or showing her, that she feels the same way and that she shouldn't deny it any longer. They shouldn't deny each other. They are the closest friends, they have implicit trust and they have fireworks. They have problems but so does ever other relationship. The best thing about them, as a partnership, is that they never give up.

Gillian nods a little and his lips are on hers a micro second later. She wraps her arm around the back of his shoulder and drinks in the warmth that flows from him. Falling has never felt so sweet. She's not even afraid, not anymore, not now that she's letting go and enjoying it. And she enjoys it. Cal's kisses are incredible. It's new and familiar at the same time and he's warm and solid and even if she hit the ground right now it didn't seem like it would be so bad.

Cal caresses a hand down her side, then grips at her waist. He moves his lips from hers, brushes them against her jaw instead, presses a kiss against her cheek. When he pulls away his eyes are dark but shiny and he smiles and it seems the most genuine she's seen from him in so long. He doesn't ask her if she's sure, but it's there, between them, so she smiles back, let's him see she's not faking this; she's in.

Cal reaches up a hand to smooth back the hair from her face and Gillian suddenly feels how hard her heart is beating. But that's not all of it. Yes, talking is good. The past has been straightened out. But what about their future? Where to, literally, from here?

"I think we should just keep it simple," Gillian speaks into the easy silence.

Cal's face remains tender, even though he's not sure what she means. "Simple?" He asks.

"Yeah," she looks hopeful. "Simple. Not complicated."

"Right."

"You wouldn't want that?" She asks tentatively and he can see suddenly how nervous she is too. Thin ice. Both of them. But hopefully heading towards solider ground, something more stable.

"No yeah, I mean. I'd do simple if you wanted simple."

"I think simple would be best for now."

"I'll take what I can get. But I'm, I'd have to admit, I'm surprised that's what you'd want."

"Why?"

"You're not the simple kind of girl, luv." Cal pauses slightly, realises how that sounds. "Not that I'm sayin' there's anythin' wrong with not bein' a relationship kind of girl but I just kind of didn't figure you for not wantin' that..." He stops when he realises she's straight out staring at him like he's not speaking English. "What?"

"I just think it's too much right now. For the both of us. We should just make it easy."

"All right," Cal agrees. "But I'm here Gill. I'm not interested in anyone else. If you want to do casual, well then... I'd."

"Wait what?"

"What?" Cal repeats, confused.

"Did you say casual?"

"Yeah. Isn't that what you said?"

"No I said simple."

"Doesn't that mean casual?"

She laughs. A slight laugh, but a laugh all the same; amused. "No."

"It doesn't?" Cal let's his eyebrows go up.

"No," Gillian shakes her head. "God we're terrible at this."

Cal feels chagrin and a little frustration. "What do you mean?"

She meets his eyes, a smile still in their blue depths. "Communicating. We suck at it."

Cal watches her mirth for a second and then indulges a little smile of his own. Mostly because she's so beautiful when she looks at him like that and his heart rate hasn't slowed since she came in his door.

Gillian shakes the hair out of her face. "By simple I meant, not casual, but not intense like a relationship. I just meant we should keep it simple. Date. But I'm not expecting more from you. I don't want to get married or move in together in six months time or... I don't know. But nor do I want to date other people."

"You want me to be your boyfriend?"

"Yes. Do you want to be my boyfriend?" She almost winces as she says it, like she's preparing herself for the blow that is sure to follow.

Cal takes her hand. "Yes, god, yes I want that. I don't want you to..." He almost says 'hate me', because that is the opposite of what he has trying to achieve with this whole thing between them, but he stops. "I want to be your boyfriend," he says firmly.

Gillian gives a slight smile, so slight Cal almost misses it, but it's there and his heart finally eases. Her fingers tighten against his subconsciously, and yeah, it feels a bit like everything has suddenly and so easily aligned how it was meant to that morning. He can do boyfriend. He can do boyfriend really well actually but he has to admit, knowing there's no pressure to act on milestones he might not be ready for... that makes it easier too. This could be good. Really good. It will give him a chance to figure her out.

"I don't want that eitha," Cal speaks again. "The datin' otha people bit."

"So Wallowski?"

Cal almost groans. Almost. Haven't they gone over this already? Oh wait... He did something stupid and she was there to witness it. "There's nothin' there," he tells her quietly.

"You flirt with her."

"I flirt with a lot of people."

"I know."

"I'll stop doin' that then."

"I don't mind the flirting Cal, it's what happens next that makes me..." She stops abruptly.

"Nothin' has eva happened nor will it. I'm not that kind of guy Gill."

"I know, I know," she quickly eases. "I know you wouldn't if we were together."

"We are together, aren't we?"

Gillian straightens her shoulders. "Yeah, I guess we are."

Cal smiles again, because, damn it feels good hearing that. "Good." That sweet little smile again and his heart is just about in his throat. She nods again and they kiss again. A lot more kissing. "Gill?"

"Hm?"

"Can we go sit now? As much as I love kissin' you, it's a little weird standin' in the middle of my kitchen."

Gillian gives a slight laugh and her eyes turn a devilish blue. "Let's go upstairs," she whispers against his mouth before kissing him again.