What Kate Wants

Summary: Kate has some down time, ponders her relationships, tries to get her head straight, and starts to see things more clearly. Set mid season 3.

Disclaimer: These awesome characters are not mine. I am just playin' with them for a little bit. Please don't sue, you will be very disappointed.

It's late Saturday morning and Kate's got a rare day off. She's not on call. There are no new bodies for her team to investigate. She said her good-byes to the boys last night with a "See ya' Monday", and had left looking forward to enjoying her weekend of solitude.

Two whole days with nothing to do but lounge, read, watch movies, clean or do laundry. Or, she could do nothing at all and just catch up on her sleep. Castle wasn't even around. He had been out of town all week and was due back sometime this weekend, but she wasn't sure exactly when.

Truth be told, she misses him. She missed him all week. It really wasn't the same without him around. Granted, they were busy and still got a lot of work done, but there wasn't as much laughter. It wasn't as much fun. There was no one around to pull her pigtails. She wonders what he's up to right now.

She had gotten up early this morning, went for a run, came back, showered then changed into a t-shirt and leggings. She put the TV on low for some background noise as she got herself comfy on the couch, settling in for a long day of nothing. Maybe she'd watch some movies. Eat some ice cream. For the first time in a long time, she was just going to relax.

She was bored already. She wonders if he'll call her when he gets back to town.

It wasn't long before she let her mind wander. She was remembering her recent break up with Josh. It was two weeks ago. She still hadn't even told Castle about it and wondered if he knew. Probably not, since she'd been keeping it to herself. She didn't even tell Lanie yet. She knew she should probably mention it to Castle the next time she had a chance, before he heard it from someone else, but she was a little nervous about telling him. She really wasn't sure why. She needed some time to process it all.

She thought about why it hadn't worked out with Josh. He was a great guy after all. A real catch. Fun, smart, handsome, had a good job. They got along ok. They didn't even really argue during their relationship. Granted the last couple of months they barely spent any time together but she hadn't even found herself annoyed with that fact.

They parted ways simply enough. It was mutual. No loud arguments, no surprise even. He was out of town more than in. She needed someone to be there for her and if she truly loved him, she would have tried harder to make it work. He was going out of the country yet again and they agreed their lives were going in different directions. They parted as friends. He told her to "Be happy". She was sad to see another relationship end, but she knew she wasn't in love with him.

She needed ice cream. Moving to her kitchen she grabbed a spoon, the pint of Ben and Jerry's Double Chocolate Fudge Brownie she had stashed in her freezer and hit the couch again. If a great guy like Josh wasn't the one for her, then who was? What was she looking for and would she ever find it? Her thoughts drifted to the idea of her perfect man…

She would want a partner who understood how important her job is to her. He would believe in her fully, know she could handle herself, even though he realized her work can be dangerous.

He would know she has the ability and training necessary to keep herself, her team, safe. This job is what she's meant to do. Catching the bad guys is one of the main things that drive her. She's not giving it up. He would have to understand her job is part of who she is and not want to change her.

He wouldn't treat her as a damsel in distress, waiting to be saved. She's a strong, modern woman, not a 50's throwback. She can take care of herself, she's confident in this, and he can't imagine it's all just a façade. She's earned her reputation. She demands equality.

She knows her strong points. She's smart, quick, tough, and skilled. When it comes to her profession she knows her stuff. She's had the appropriate training and enough on the job experience to know how to get the job done. He has to believe in her abilities or he isn't worth wasting her time on.

Her perfect man would be smart, loving, loyal, honest, trust-worthy, and have a wicked sense of humor. He would need to be sexy, a bit of a bad boy. He would need to be just as dedicated to his job as she is to hers. He would have to be someone out to help others, do more for them, then for himself. Selfish and self-centered would not appeal to her. Yum, she has to remember to tell Castle about this ice cream. He would love it.

She's also a woman, human, with womanly needs & desires, but demanding of equal treatment here too. She's looking for a life-partner, not meaningless interludes. She doesn't have time to waste when there are more important things she could be doing.

She'd like to think she's smart enough to know this man right away when she finds him. That everything will fall into place. Be uncomplicated. Unfortunately, she knows that's a crock because her life has aways been complicated.

In bed, he would make her lose control and she him. Up to now, she has never lost control. It would be amazing. She's not one to believe in fairy tales, but every once in awhile it would come pretty damn close. She briefly wonders if Castle will want to maybe catch dinner and a movie tomorrow.

She thinks back to her past relationships with Will, Tom, and Josh and thinks she thought she knew what she wanted. They were all great guys and she thought she could be happy with any of them. But she knows she was wrong. There were things that were missing.

She thinks she sees parts of what she's looking for in one particular man, who's been around for some time now, but continuously second guesses herself. He's become her best friend. Could it really have been right in front of her all along? Could she be that blind? Has she been missing all the signs?

She can't deny there's an attraction. Those damn blue eyes. Even when she had other boyfriends in the picture she had to work to keep her head straight around him. But is he her "one and done"? Could she be his or is it all just playtime for him?

Sometimes, it's just so electric, this thing between them, nearly impossible to ignore. It's then she almost wishes she could read his mind, find the confirmation she so desperately needs.

Are friends even supposed to feel sparks like this? Obviously, they care for each other, have each other's backs. They're best friends, that's a given. But is it more?

It always surprises her how, in a heartbeat, the connection between them can absolutely sizzle, the heat tangible, so overwhelming, that she nearly gets dizzy just from the way he looks at her. She has to work really hard to look that unaffected. He makes her head spin, her heart flutter. If only he knew how she's succumbed to his charms. It can be really hard not to smile at his antics. God, he makes her laugh.

She can't help but wonder what it would be like if he took her to bed. She's pretty sure they'd set the place on fire. Sometimes he stars in her dreams, although she would never admit it to anyone. She's had some really good ones, making it sometimes difficult to look him directly in the eyes the next day. She can't lie to herself, the man's hot and to be the focus of all that attention...

She shakes it off because they may never know. She's cautious and takes baby steps. He's impatient by nature. The type to jump off the boat without a life jacket, dam the consequences. He gets bored easily. He could disappear out of her life again like he did last summer.

It could all change tomorrow, but for right now their dance continues.

She enjoys their banter. Loves to listen to his crazy theories. He challenges her. Keeps her thinking outside the box. He loves to think he has her all figured out and he knows she loves to prove him wrong. It's their way. She wonders what his reaction would be if one day, out of the blue, during his incessant flirting, she just jumped him. Just once she'd like to wipe that sexy, self-assured, smirk off his face. Show him she can give, as good as she gets.

She flirts back occasionally, teases him somewhat, but only because she needs to keep him guessing, keep his interest, prolong this thing. She needs some more time to be sure.

Mostly, when he flirts she retreats, turns away, changes the subject. He's come to expect it. It's what they do. Although, once in awhile she'll catch what she thinks might be disappointment flash across his eyes when he thinks she's not looking.

Alas, retreating is safer. She doesn't trust her head when her hearts all a flutter. He throws her off balance like no one else ever has. It might be more than simple attraction but she's old enough to know that lust and love are sometimes easily confused.

Maybe she's not meant to have a "one and done". Maybe she's supposed to live her life without that. She has her work and she has her friends. Many have less. But she can't help but think she's supposed to be part of a family. Maybe not right now, but someday. She thinks she might want what her parents had.

She's just not sure she can take the risk with him. She values their friendship too much to screw it up. What if it didn't work out?

She's afraid to make another mistake and doesn't want her heart broken into a million pieces. She's supposed to be smart. Learn from her mistakes, not repeat them. She's made more than a few… she knows she's quite far from perfect. But she still expects perfection from herself, and from those she lets into her life.

She knows her own flaws well. She's too quick to judge people. She doesn't trust easily. She knows she's too serious, too uptight. She needs to lighten up, have fun. She needs some silly. And yes, she's aware of who does silly.

She knows she should work on these things but part of her, Kate the Cop, can't not watch people, study their actions, assess their body language, scan for the lie. Kate the Cop, looks for dishonesty and searches for truth.

She needs to stop profiling him, looking for ulterior motives and trust him. She has to start taking his kind words and gestures at face value. She's pretty positive she's been missing what's right in front of her. She has the distinct feeling she has been missing the proverbial boat. She needs to go see him before she changes her mind.

She's not even sure when she did it, but she looks down to finds her cell phone in her hand, his number already dialed. She gets up, moves quickly to her bedroom in search of an outfit to change into. As she's hunting through her closet his line still ringing, she realizes she owns a lot of jackets, but there's not a lifejacket in site. To hell with it - she's going anyway.

Shall I continue? I've only recently started writing fan fiction. This is my 2nd story, so I would really love and appreciate some feedback. I'm not too proud to beg. So this is me begging. Whether it's good? Bad? Whatever, I'll take it! This is a lot of fun, a good creative outlet I have always wanted to try, but I have no idea what I am doing and hope to improve. If anyone has any suggestions, or would like me to do more, I'm open to ideas! Or should I just go back to watching re-runs of Castle and reading your fan fiction? That really wouldn't suck…