Stay Young, Go Dancing

Chapter 6-February

Sometimes I think this cycle never ends, we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again- "Expo '86" by Death Cab For Cutie

The plan was pretty simple. We hoped that, when forced into proximity with each other, Dmitri and Lucy would hit it off. Considering that Lucy had waved to Dmitri on the train, I was fairly certain that she at least knew who he was, but how much one knew about the other, I didn't know. It was my job to talk Dmitri into a meeting. Al was handling Lucy.

However, convincing Dmitri to meet me in the library was more difficult that I thought.

"But you never do work in the library." He shot me a suspicious look over the top of his book. I'm lucky that I can keep my head under pressure, or else the jig might have been up and all of mine and Al's planning would have gone down the drain.

"Al likes to study there more than the kitchens. He helps me with Charms." Dmitri snorted at this, but returned to his book.

"Is that what you're calling it these days? I never knew you were one to be so discreet about your conquests, Marian." I flushed at what he was implying.

"No really, he helps me in the library, Dmitri." He smirked and I swear my hand twitched, ready to reach up and smack it off his face.

"Out in public? My, you are bold. I can only imagine how many first years your library adventures have scarred." I rolled my eyes.

"Look, there's nothing going on. Al and I are friends. And I thought it might be nice if my friends got to know him. Especially because we haven't spent a lot of time together lately. I'm trying, Dmitri. But you don't have to come; in fact, I'm starting to think this is the worst idea I've ever had."

"Oh hardly. You and I both know that this decision doesn't even rank on the top ten list."

"Whatever, Dmitri." I huffed and made to leave, when he sighed. With my back to him, knowing he couldn't see my face, I fully indulged in a wicked smirk of my own before schooling my features and turning to give him a look.

"Fine, fine, I'll show up and we'll have a study date or something."

"And you promise to behave?" I prompted.

"Yes, yes of course. I'll be on my best behavior."

"You better be," I warned darkly, although I knew that Dmitri wouldn't take me seriously. He waved me off and I let him be, leaving him to his book. I went in search of Al, to see how his mission went.

Really, I have to say, I quite enjoyed this secretive plotting nonsense. There was a sense of adventure and excitement to it. It made my heart race slightly, and I felt like running down the halls to burn off some stored up energy. I hoped that, when Dmitri and Lucy finally got together, I could find something similar to do that would make me feel the same way.

Perhaps I could go about finding a boyfriend for quiet Irene.

Al and I were sitting across from each other in the library, waiting impatiently for Lucy to show up. Although Al seemed to be unfazed by her lateness, I was getting a little anxious. I had my Charms book open in front of me, but I wasn't actually reading it. Occasionally, I'd turn the page; I had to keep up appearances after all. Dmitri was bound to notice if I just sat there, staring at the same page for over an hour. He was already skeptical about "studying" with us. I didn't need him to get frustrated with me and leave before Lucy arrived. As I fidgeted, I could feel both males' gazes on me, although Dmitri's was harsher, trying to sparse out the reasons for my behavior. Al seemed to already know why. He nudged me under the table with his foot. I nudged him back, not looking up from my book, but smiling softly. Dmitri rolled his eyes.

"If you two are going to play footsie, I'm out of here." He would notice, of course. I flushed, but Al just chuckled.

"You're just jealous because you're not getting any, Morozov." He winked at me and my flush deepened.

"Not helping," I bit out.

"If you keep denying our love, Marian, I'm going to start thinking you're ashamed of me." This time I kicked him for real under the table. "Ow! What was that for?"

"You know why."

"Merlin, it was just a joke."

"Yeah, well, half the castle already thinks we're dating—" Dmitri snorted.

"Well, that's one word for it." I shot him a look.

"There's no reason to add fuel to the fire."

"Seriously though, if you two are going to do nothing but flirt, then I'm going to have to leave. I actually have to get work done. Not all of us have the luxury of not reading their charms textbooks, Marian." Dmitri had but a moment to savor my sheepish face of surprise.

"Sorry I'm late." Lucy plopped down into the open chair next to Al, out of breath, her hair windblown. "Quidditch practice went a bit late." She rummaged through her bag, taking out her books, some parchment, ink, and a quill. The blood drained from Dmitri's face the moment she sat down and he gaped at her. I nudged him with my elbow and immediately his expression changed to indifference.

"It's fine," Al filled in while I was telepathically urging Dmitri not to be an idiot and stick his foot in his mouth. Lucy smiled at me.

"You must be Marian. I've heard a ton about you. And of course, I already know Dmitri." Dmitri blushed—but only slightly. It was barely perceptible. In fact, it just made him look like he had a healthy glow about him. Unfair, if you ask me. When I blush, I look like a tomato with a sunburn. But he ducked his head and mumbled a greeting, which ruined the entire picture. I rolled my eyes. Al's face contorted into something resembling amusement and sympathy. Lucy seemed to take Dmitri's less than stellar salutation in stride. The smile never left her face. She flicked her strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder and opened her textbook. "So you're working on Charms?" Al and I nodded. Dmitri didn't respond. "That's good. I've been struggling with the latest lesson. The wand movements are messing me up. They're so different from Transfiguration, right Dmitri?" He shrugged.

"I guess so."

"I mean, I've always been better at Transfiguration than Charms. The movements for Charms are so showy."

"I'm not coordinated enough with my wand for either subject," I interjected and Lucy laughed. I liked her.

"I remember, back in fifth year, instead of transfiguring the matchbox into a mouse, you just managed to set them all on fire."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure Professor Harte was relieved when I dropped his class."

"Well, class is certainly duller without you."

"Yeah, but Hogwarts is infinitely safer for it," I said with a giggle. "I mean, not even Dmitri here could help me. Isn't that right?"

"Marian, there isn't a person alive that could help you with Transfiguration. Frankly, I don't quite understand why Al bothers to try with Charms. You're hopeless at that too."

"Actually, she's gotten a lot better," Al remarked. Dmitri looked doubtful.

"I'll believe it when I see it." The librarian hushed us then; I suppose we had been getting a little loud. We settled in then, actually doing some studying. Intermittently, one of us would ask the others to help explain a concept that we didn't understand. It worked pretty well. Until Lucy asked for Dmitri's help with some wand movements.

"Like this?" She waved her wand and Dmitri shook his head.

"No no, less swish, more flick." Lucy sighed, running a frustrated hand through her hair.

"Show me," she demanded. She stood up and walked to the other side of the table. She grabbed Dmitri's hand and placed it over her wrist. Dmitri froze as she did this, his eyes wide as saucers. He jerked his hand away from hers and stood up.

"I need to go," he blurted out. He quickly started to gather up his things. I placed a placating hand on his arm.

"Dmitri." I was concerned. He shrugged off my hand angrily.

"Not now, Marian." He left the library without another word. My mouth quirked into a frown. Up until that moment, I had thought that Dmitri was enjoying himself. I had thought that the plan was going to be a success. And I know that normally, Dmitri wasn't one for people touching him, but he had never reacted like that before. Perhaps we had pushed it too far. I mean, as far as I knew, this was his first time interacting with Lucy outside of class. Maybe we could do it again sometime and he wouldn't run off like the hounds of hell were chasing him because a girl touched his wrist.

I was trying to be understanding, I really was, but I was too baffled by his behavior to dole out any of the sympathy I knew that Dmitri wouldn't actually want.

Still standing next to me, Lucy huffed exasperatedly.

"Merlin, is that boy ever going to ask me out?" Both Al and I rounded on her, shocked. She shrugged. "What? It's so painfully obvious he likes me."

"And you like him too?" I asked after a moment's hesitation. She considered this for a second.

"I think I could. I mean, I want him to ask me out. I don't know him that well. But he's cute and intelligent and scathingly witty at times, and I just…I think we'd have some fun. At the very least, if it didn't work out romantically, we could be good friends. But I'll never know if he doesn't get some courage and ask me to go to Hogsmeade already! I've dropped tons of hints too. I say hi to him every time I see him and ask after him. I ask him for help, even when I know exactly what I'm doing. I've even tried twirling my hair for God's sake!"

"He's a bit thick when it comes to interpersonal actions. He was probably too caught up in the fact that you were actually paying attention to him to read anything into it. He has horrible self esteem sometimes, that one.

"And, well, he is a Ravenclaw," Al supplied. "Not exactly known for their courage. Besides, rejection is well…scary. And it hurts. So I get why he's reluctant to make any big steps."

"I suppose," Lucy concede and lowered herself into Dmitri's now unoccupied seat. She reached across the tabled and dragged her book toward her with a grimace and the three of us settled into uneasy silence as we finished our homework.

I found Dmitri in the Astronomy Tower, smoking a cigarette that evening. I went looking for him after dinner; he hadn't been in the Great Hall and I had been slightly worried. I knew enough to give him some space, but the incident with Lucy was hours before. And he wasn't one to miss a meal. "I thought you quit," I said in lieu of a greeting. Dmitri shrugged.

"I picked them back up over the holidays." I scrutinized his appearance. His hair was disheveled from the wind, there were dark bags under his eyes, and his normally pressed uniform was wrinkled. He was obviously distressed, and I had a hunch that it wasn't just about Lucy. But whatever it was, this afternoon certainly hadn't helped relieve him of his problems. I didn't press him for details though; I crossed the room to stand next to him at the window sill, looking out over the grounds of Hogwarts. He would tell me if he wanted to.

"She likes you, you know."

"Who?"

"Don't play dumb. I heard it from her mouth myself. She's quite frustrated you can't get the guts up to ask her out."

"Well, she could have done something to let me know." I scoffed.

"I think she has. Why else would she make a point to talk to you? You're not exactly the wittiest conversationalist when it comes to her, in case you haven't noticed." He laughed softly.

"I thought she was just being nice."

"Well she was. But she's not nice to everyone. So you should ask her to Hogsmeade tomorrow or I'll make sure you never get a chance with her." He shoved me playfully with his hips and pushed him right back, a smirk on my lips. He knew I'd never do something like that.

"We'll see." I leaned my head on his shoulder and shivered slightly at the cold. It was February after all, and the Astronomy Tower wasn't the most insulated of places in the castle. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. He smelled like cigarette smoke, old books, and rainy Sundays. "I have an older sister." He said it so casually that I thought for sure that I had misheard. I bit the disbelieving 'what?' back, forcing myself to be quiet. If Dmitri was going to talk about this, he was only going to do so if I shut my mouth and let him talk.

"That letter, back in October, you know? The one where you wanted to know what happened?" I nodded into his shoulder. "That's what my mother was writing me about." He rolled his eyes. "Of course she would do it through a letter. Instead of breaking the news in person to me. My father not only cheated on my mother, but he had a whole second family. They're muggles and they're French, did I tell you that? Margot is my sister's name. She's 18, so she's only a little older than me. And I really mean that. Her birthday is in July." Dmitri's was in September. "She wants to go to university in America. That's why she and her mom, Emmanuelle, are coming out of the woodwork now. But it's not like she wants half my inheritance. She'd be entitled to that, too, you know. But no, she just wants enough to cover school, if we'll give it to her. She's okay if we don't, she'll get loans and stuff. But she figured she might as well ask." He paused in his narrative to light another cigarette. He took a long drag of it and exhaled, then offered it to me. I took it and placed it to my mouth, inhaling then passed it back to him.

"I went to see her, before term started up again. I'm of age now, so I have full access to my inheritance. My mother has no control of it, never did, really. It's always been my money. And as money hungry as she is, she's always respected that. She'll get married and divorced as much as she wants, but she'll never touch the money my father made. So I thought about it and it just didn't seem fair to me that they weren't getting a piece. There's certainly enough money. I don't need all of it. Hell, I don't need an eighth of it. So I cut it in half, wrote out a check, and took a portkey to Paris.

"They welcomed me, although they were surprised to see me. They knew who I was, had a picture of me and my mom and my dad, I don't know why. And let me tell you, if I had any doubts about her parentage, all I needed to do was look at her. She's the spitting image of my father. Same eyes, same nose, same mouth. We had dinner and at the end of it, I presented her with the check. Told her it was rightfully hers. She smiled, ripped it up, and told me to send her a check for her tuition—just her tuition and nothing else. She didn't want the money, she didn't want me. She showed me to the door and told me it was nice to meet me, but that she didn't think either of us needed more contact. I could send the check in the mail to her and feel free to send her a message, to make sure it arrived (it's a sizeable amount of money for anyone else who isn't heir to a billionaire's fortune), but that after that, we didn't really ever need to see each other again. She said she's content with her life and she really sees no need in shaking things up by getting involved with me.

"So I have a sister, but she wants nothing to do with me." I wrapped my hands around his waist, hugging him. "And I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed about it." We stood there, Dmitri smoking a cigarette, me wrapped around him, reveling in the warmth of having someone familiar close. It was comforting. And that's why, to my surprise, the next words out of my mouth were,

"I had an abortion." Dmitri sighed.

"I thought that one day you might." I colored and Dmitri dragged his hand over his face as he thought about the way his sentence came across. "I mean, I thought that one of these days, your…extracurricular activities might result in this. I mean…damn it."

"I know what you're trying to say. It's okay."

"I'm just…not surprised, is all. You're a little reckless at times and I thought one day it would wind up like this. You're not the best at anticipating the consequences of your actions." For some reason, I found myself laughing lightly. From anyone else, these words would have made me furious. "So it was Potter's kid then?"

"Yeah," I said with a sigh.

"That explains why the two of you are so buddy buddy now."

"It took us a while to get there, but yeah."

"And I guess that also explains why you've been an absolute wreck lately."

"Yeah, that too." Dmitri took another long drag of his cigarette before putting it out against the window sill.

"What a pair we make," he remarked with a wry smile. And just like that, I knew that things were going to be okay between Dmitri and me.

I watched from the Slytherin table the next morning as Dmitri strode up to the Gryffindor table and asked Lucy out on a date. She blushed at the attention she was getting from the Great Hall, but nodded her consent. Dmitri smiled brilliantly and babbled a bit more before he stalked off with a spring in his step to class. Al and I shared a look and a smile before getting up and walking off to Charms.

We didn't say anything on our way; Al was the only person with whom I could tolerate the quiet. There was an easiness, a warmth to it that alleviated my anxieties. And on this particular day, with the success of Dmitri and Lucy, I felt like I was on top of the world. About halfway to Charms, Al, who had looked pensive our entire walk, spoke.

"So…" Al dragged out the word, the look on his face now took on characteristics of nervousness; his brows were slightly drawn and his mouth was quirked in small, unsure frown. He shook slightly, hesitant, and he parted his lips and closed them after words refused to come out. Eventually, he continued. "So I've been trying to think of a way to bring this up. We've been spending a lot of time together, and I know that it was mostly because we were trying to fix up Morozov and my cousin, but I was just wondering, I mean that, well, I like spending time with you, a lot and well…" He trailed off, biting his lip, staring at me shrewdly.

"Yes?"I asked him impatiently.

"Will you go to Hogsmeade with me?" I was struck dumb. I gaped at him, doing my best impersonation of a goldfish. He laughed mirthlessly at my expression.

"I don't know what to say," I finally settled on. It was the truth, wasn't it? I mean, I hadn't even thought about it. Al was my friend, and only just that! I was still trying to process that he didn't completely hate me after I screwed everything up in September.

He liked me. He really really liked me. He must've if he was putting himself through this all over again.

"I should've expected you to be absolutely oblivious," he said with a roll of his eyes.

"Well, it's not like you made it obvious," I tried to defend myself.

"Seriously, Marian? I thought I was being so transparent!"

"You said you hated me."

"I never said that!"

"You about as good as did! What else was I supposed to infer from your sneering at me in the kitchens, refusing to be my friend?"

"I was hurt, Marian! You said that everything was a mistake! I knew that we were doing things in the wrong order, but I had hoped…well, I thought it meant something. And then you went and said that it was stupid and that it shouldn't have happened—and I know, you've cleared it up for me since then—but at the time, I was angry and I wanted to try to make you hurt as much as you hurt me." He reached for my hand, and as much as I wanted to tear it away from him, I couldn't bring myself to do so. He obviously needed the contact; obviously needed some sign that there was something between us. And I couldn't really correct him. Because there was something between us. We were forever connected. I would always be the girl that didn't have his baby. No matter what I did, no matter how far I pushed him away, it would always be there. And I suppose I must have recognized that; that's why I had sought him out, why I had trusted him and used him and allowed him to be my friend and to pick up the pieces of me that I had broken myself. Yes, there was something between us; it may not have been what he wanted or could label, but it was there. I had come to depend on it and, as selfish as it was, I knew that I couldn't lose it.

"I don't…know, Al. I just don't know." I wanted to say yes, but I couldn't tell if that was because I just didn't want him to abandon me or if it was because I actually felt something for him. And as much as I didn't want what we had to fall apart, I felt like I should finally start learning from my mistakes. I couldn't lead him on, not when he had been so good to me. So if there was even the slightest chance that I didn't feel the same way about him, then I couldn't go out with him. I swallowed thickly, trying to find some way to express this to him, but came up with nothing.

"Think about it," he implored me after I didn't say anything else. He rubbed his thumb over my knuckles in a way made my thoughts halt midsentence and replaced them with white noise. He let go of my hand reluctantly, then walked off to Charms without once looking back at me. From the tense way he carried himself, I knew that he wanted to. As soon as he was out of sight, I took off running in the opposite direction. Class was the last thing on my mind.

I wound up back in the dormitories. Thankfully, Eve wasn't in; neither were Winnie or Charlotte. Only Irene remained, sprawled on top of her bed, reading Witch Weekly. My appearance startled her. After all, I usually was in Charms by this time of day.

"Everything okay, Marian?"

"Yes," I answered automatically, without thinking. "No." I revised a moment later. "I don't know." Because I really didn't. She scooted over on her bed and patted the spot next to her. I threw myself onto it without a moment's hesitation. Soothingly, she ran a hand through my hair. Neither of us said anything for a long time. I weighed the pros and cons of Al's offer and couldn't help but wonder which choice was the right one. She read her magazine.

If I said I came to any groundbreaking conclusions at this time, I'd be lying. Yes, to me, seemed to be the scariest word in the world. It would change everything and things couldn't go back after that. It had taken us so long to get here, to get to the point where he was so integrated in my life; I didn't know what I'd do without him. I couldn't lose him just because he wanted more than I could give him. I wasn't that type of girl—the type that did all the strings attached stuff. But at the same time, I knew it was a very real possibility that I could lose him by saying no.

There was no way out, it seemed. Either option was a vast, open minefield. One wrong step and things would blow! Frustrated, I buried my face in the duvet of Irene's bed.

"There, there, pet." She murmured comfortingly. "Whatever it is, it isn't that bad."

"Yes it is. It's the worst thing that could have ever happened." But even I could see the stupidity of that statement. After everything I had been through this year, Al asking me out was low on the list of "Bad Things That Happened To Marian." But, at the same time, it was also number one.

I avoided Al for the next couple of days and he let me. He barely even looked at me. I ate all my meals in the kitchen, sat on the opposite side of the room from him, and stayed locked in my dormitory when I had nowhere else to be. But after a couple days of frantic panicking every time I saw a head of unruly, black hair, I knew I needed to make a decision.

And after all my deliberation, I choose no. It was the right decision, I told myself. The only thing left to do was inform Al. I stalked up to him after Charms and pulled him in the opposite direction of the stream of students flowing out the door. He seemed to know exactly what I wanted and followed me without question until we found ourselves in a deserted corridor, hopelessly alone.

"So…you've an answer for me?" He asked me after a moment. I sighed and looked pleadingly at him. I had lost what little nerve I had.

"Al." It was all I could say. I couldn't tell him no to his face but from the way his face contorted—something between a grimace and a wince—that he understood my meaning.

"Oh come on, Marian!" I shook my head.

"Don't, Al."

"Don't what, Marian? Force you to confront the fact that you're making the wrong decision?"

"I'm not making the wrong decision!"

"Yes you are! We're good together! Even when we're fighting, there's this air of…tension between us!"

"Al, it's not you."

"Oh bullshit, Marian! It's got to be me. You're clearly attracted to me! You slept with me for crying out loud. You practically seduced me." I flushed at the accusation. "Why the hell won't you give me a chance?"

"It's me, Al. You want the relationship, and the cutesy public displays of affection, and a girlfriend that isn't a walking mess. I'm not that girl, Al. Girls like me don't get to—" He cut me off with a groan.

"Stop saying that! Girls like you," he spat the word out so harshly I flinched. "You say it all the time. Everyone says it about you. Girls like you. Like you're some sort of damaged goods, some sort of scum on the bottom of my shoe. You're not. You're Marian Priscilla Campbell and I like you and I want to go on a date with you. I'm not this, this person that you've put on a pedestal. I'm not…superior to you in any way! I'm no better than you are." He sighed. "The point is, Marian, that if you think of yourself as inferior, people are going to treat you like it. And you deserve so much better."

"But I don't. I certainly don't deserve you. Not after…everything." He kissed me then, hard and passionate, his hands tangling themselves in my hair as he pulled me closer to him. I pushed him away out of shock, but he didn't let it deter him.

"Please, Marian," he murmured against my lips before kissing me again, softer this time, but just as passionate. "Just give me a shot. One shot. We'll go to Hogsmeade—for real this time. And then, if after the date you decide that we'd be better off as friends, that you don't feel anything romantic for me, then I'll let the subject drop. And you'll never have to worry about…these kinds of advances from me again." His mouth was on mine once more before I could answer, unrelenting.

When I was a child, before my mother died, I remember going swimming. My favorite thing to do was sink to the bottom and hold my breath as long as possible. I scared my mother out of her wits when I did it; she was always afraid that I wasn't going to come back up. But I always did. Inevitably, the need for oxygen would overtake me and I'd push off from the bottom of the pool and, arms scrambling, clawing, jerking, move towards the surface. And that moment, when I broke through the water and back up into the world, filling my deprived lungs with the air they so craved and my head slightly aching from the denial, but now filled, overflowing, spilling over the brim with it once more, so that I felt nothing more than the fact that I was alive, well, that moment was why I kept doing it. Why I kept sinking to the bottom of the pool. That feeling of the blood rushing through my veins in a desperate attempt to escape certain death was like a drug. And Al's kisses reminded me of that; reminded me of being able to feel so much, feel too much, overwhelming, but alive. They pulsed through me like tiny, desirable, electric shocks; like the first moment that I would push off from the bottom and the water would whoosh right by; and I craved the feeling so much that I grabbed hold of his shirt and pulled him closer to me, one hand at his collar, the other halfway down his chest. When we finally parted, we were panting and shaking. My lips were surely bruised and his hands in my hair had caused it to become tangled and messy. I was certain I looked like a girl who had just had a good snog; no, I was a girl who had a good snog. A great one.

That had to mean something, right? Even I couldn't deny that we had chemistry. And God, I so wanted to pursue it, so wanted to just give it a shot and see where it would go.

"Okay," I relented, even though the thought of it terrified me. "We'll go to Hogsmeade." Al smiled widely at me and hugged me to him. I attributed the butterflies I felt in my stomach to the fact that he picked me up by the waist and twirled me around.

A/N: I can't tell if this chapter is any good. It's been sitting around my harddrive, half finished for too long. So I decided to just plow through and finish it the other night. And somehow, I managed to write pretty much the opposite of what I had planned. And I can't tell if the story is better for it. So if this chapter suddenly disappears, it's because I decided to fix it.

I'd like to say that I will finish this story over my Winter Break, but alas, I don't think that's very realistic. I'm a senior in college you guys, so I'll be filling out all sorts of applications trying to find myself a future after May. But I'm sure one or two chapters will pop up sometime soon.

Until the,

NaP