Uh – well this is for Senru Day 2011, which I forgot about, hence the reason it is a little late. I totally had no idea what to write. I shuffled my iPod and just took the first song as my base (Red Hot Chili Peppers – Tear).

I'm not proud of this. It is a little clichéd and fluffy. I didn't think too much as I wrote it, that's for sure xD Still I'd appreciate your thoughts. Especially about the end. Man, I just can't get the end right.

Tear

#1 Let it rise before you

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she screeched, hurling the plate at the wall where it shattered over the desk. She was crying. She was hysterical. So was he, actually, although you wouldn't know it.

He sat on his bed and stared at his trembling hands and saw nothing but blind rage and choking fear. Fear of her. Fear of himself. It was all he could do to just sit there and say nothing. Do nothing. Knowing that if he moved, he might kill her.

"I won't have you in this house" she squawked in that high pitched bat voice which made him want to cover his ears. "You dirty little shit. You devil. You Satan!"

She was gasping, hair plastered over the side of her face like a banshee, terrible and wrathful, her fear outweighed only by her anger. Her finger was pointing straight at him, as if it could not be clearer.

"I wish you had never been born!" she shouted before spinning around wildly and slamming the door closed upon the trembling figure of her only son. He could still hear her crying outside in the hallway.

He counted twenty slow clacks of the second hand as it trawled its way painfully around the clock face. Twenty one. Twenty two. Then, from his desk, his phone rang.

He listened to the familiar tune play out, tinny and cheap, soulless in its electronic tones until it cut off. Ten more clacks before it rang again.

He couldn't bear to listen to it all over again. Slowly and stiffly he got to his feet and walked as if in a dream towards the desk. He moved aside a piece of shattered plate and with a trembling hand lifted the phone to his ear, eyes closed. He said nothing. He couldn't even control his harsh, shaking breaths. He just stood and listened and waited desperately.

"Kaede?"

He tried to respond. He really did. But his breath only came in shuddering gasps.

"Kaede? Kaede? Are you there? Hello?"

He lifted his left hand to grab his right as if to stop it from shaking. He took a deep, forceful breath.

"Yeah" he said, his voice unsteady and faint. "Yeah… uh… what?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Are you okay?" the disembodied voice queried in concern, "You sound kinda upset."

"I'm fine" he forced the words out.

He could almost feel the disbelief at the other end of the line.

"Well er… my sister asked me to babysit this afternoon so I guess I can't make it today."

"No problem" he said, rubbing his eyes frantically with the back of his hand.

"Er… look if there's something up, something you wanna talk about…"

"No, no I'm…"

The door crashed open behind him.

"Is that him?" she all but screamed, lunging forwards. He fumbled frantically for the disengage button but she was too quick for him. She snatched the phone out of his hand and had it to her ear in a moment.

"You bastard!" she yelled down the line, "you fucking little prick! Stay away from my son or I'll call the fucking police!" Incensed he tried to snatch the phone back from her, but in the next moment she had thrown it viciously at the floor where the battery bounced out and the screen cracked right across its width. Then she stood there panting and victorious, as if she'd just driven the devil out.

In that instant he saw red. He took one swift step forward and with an open palm dealt her a ringing slap across the face. She gave a short gasp of pain, hand going up to her face as she stared at him in disbelief. He pushed her roughly aside and stormed out. He moved quickly down the stairs, hearing her attempting to follow him with more torment, and took long angry strides towards the front door.

"You're going to hell!" she managed to call one last parting blow before he slammed the door in her face.

#2 This is my tear

He sat by the court with his head in his hands. He'd forgotten to bring a ball. Or anything, actually. There was still an unpleasant trembling and skittering in his muscles as if the adrenaline of his emotion still hadn't subsided. His restlessness made him want to get up, to move, to hit something, but he forced himself to remain still.

"Hey."

He stiffened but did not look up. Someone sat down on the sun-warmed grass beside him. Neither of them moved or spoke for a long time.

"I thought you weren't coming today" Rukawa finally commented quietly.

Sendoh stretched out his legs and stared up at the blue sky. "Plans changed" he said. It was a lie and they both knew it.

Rukawa frowned to himself. Sendoh looked over at him curiously. "So… what's going on?"

Rukawa sighed slightly and moved his eyes over the empty court, bright and inviting in the sun, over the grass that bordered it, the peppering of trees and settled finally once again on his hands. He shook his head indicating that he didn't want to talk about it, and Sendoh raised one brow.

"Well in that case" Sendoh tossed the ball he'd brought along to Rukawa who caught it reflexively. "Let's play!" Sendoh got to his feet, dusting grass from the seat of his pants.

Rukawa stared dumbly at the ball for a moment before doing the same. "Okay" he said gratefully.

#3 This is my crime

The ball hit the rim and bounced out.

"You're really off today."

Yeah, he knew that.

"God it's hot."

God? He smiled bitterly to himself. What a joke.

He watched Sendoh empty half the bottle of water into his mouth and the rest over his head. He saw his lips part in a small gasp at the cooling sensation, wiping water mixed with sweat out of his eyes and pushing his drenched hair back from his face so it crumpled in a heap above his forehead. His skin shone bronze in the sun, each muscle highlighted and sculpted by the light.

God it's hot.

Rukawa swallowed. I'm going to hell he remembered. The ball felt rough and awkward in his hands. He gripped it tighter. Sendoh looked over at him.

"You don't have a drink?"

Rukawa shook his head mutely, aware of his own sweat running down the side of his face. Sendoh tossed a second bottle of water in his direction. The basketball immediately moved to rest on one palm to free his other hand for a deft one-handed catch. Sendoh grinned at him.

Rukawa looked down at the water, knowing it wasn't going to relieve any of his heat, but still he used his teeth to pull up the sports cap and throwing his head back squeezed a blast of the liquid into his mouth.

When he looked straight again he saw Sendoh watching him curiously. He wondered whether his action had looked dirty. It had felt dirty. Just a bit. But then everything could feel that way to him it seemed. Nowadays anything could rouse him. He tossed the water bottle back feeling a little guilty.

#4 Loving every rise and fall

"So what's up with your mum?"

Rukawa took a nonchalant bite of his burger and ignored the question. Sendoh pouted.

"I'm paying for you; you could at least let me know why your mother has turned into some kind of werewolf."

Still no reply. Sendoh sighed.

"Come on, everyone has embarrassing parents" he persuaded. Rukawa gave him a look, prompting Sendoh to lean forward. "Really. You know how my dad hates basketball. Don't you remember that time he showed up at my school and yelled at Taoka-sensei for keeping us back at training so late? Yelling. In front of the entire team. My father. I could have died."

Rukawa gave no reaction. Sendoh leant back again in disappointment.

"Do you want to stay over at my place tonight?" he asked after a moment.

Rukawa felt appalled at the way his heartbeat sped up. Slowly he nodded.

#5 The sun will make

There was something pleasant about this. Sitting around a table with a family and eating a meal. Even the tense silence was nice. Sendoh clearly saw it as a terrible drag, the way he'd pleaded and cajoled his mother about letting them eat in his room. But she wouldn't have it, in her sympathetic but firm way, and nothing Sendoh had said had moved her.

At the head of the table sat a severe looking man who said nothing to no one. Sendoh's father, Rukawa knew, was a doctor, and had rather firm aspirations that his only son should become one too.

Opposite Rukawa sat a tall, slightly rounded young woman eating her food with one hand and balancing a baby in the other. Sendoh's elder sister whose husband was away for the weekend on business. She was a pleasant enough girl, although she was too busy with her new arrival to pay much attention to her little brother's tag-along friend.

Next to Rukawa was Sendoh and beyond him sat his mother. She was, like her daughter, round in face and body. She wasn't exactly fat, she was just… comfortable looking. Homely. Wifely. Sendoh was constantly aspirated by her, claiming that she was nosey and tiring, but Rukawa felt a kind of warmth for such a woman. Someone so unlike his own frantic, moral-stricken single parent of a mother.

"So" Sendoh's father suddenly spoke up, surprising nearly everyone. "You play that sport too, do you?"

Rukawa blinked, realising that he was being addressed, and then nodded quietly.

"Hn." The man gave him an intense stare. "And what time does your training end on a weeknight?"

"Dad!" Sendoh exclaimed, appalled. "Just let it go, will you?"

"We finish at six usually, but if there's a big game coming up we might stay later."

"I see."

Rukawa expected the man to say something more, but he had already returned to his food. Rukawa shot Sendoh a puzzled glance and received a smile and a shrug in return.

#6 And I will take breath to be sure of this

"You don't need to do that dear, really" she said as he soaked his arms up to the elbows in warm soapy water.

"It's okay" he replied softly. He was happy to do it actually. It was the least he could do. Sendoh had already gone ahead, saying that he was going to take a shower, and Rukawa had hung back to help clear the table and the kitchen.

"What a polite young man you are" she commented fondly. "I do hope you can teach Akira some manners."

Rukawa gave a half smile and said nothing more.

"You've told your mother that you're staying here tonight, have you?"

"Uhm yeah. Of course." It felt bad lying to her. But not as bad as telling the truth would have been. Besides, what would she think of him if she knew? He didn't belong here, in this warm family, sharing their meal and their conversation. He didn't belong anywhere anymore, demonic as he was. His mother would disown him. Why should another take him in? Especially if she knew the ways in which he thought about her own son. How twisted he really was. She'd probably say he was trying to corrupt the family. But he wasn't. And he didn't want that. Although – well, let's just say he didn't know what he wanted anymore. Or even who he was.

He set the last glass down on the drying rack and let the water run out of the sink.

"Hey Kaede, come on."

He felt that familiar hiccup inside him whenever Sendoh called his name. But he moved slowly, wiping down the counter surface thoroughly before turning back to see him. He stood in the kitchen door with a fresh towel in his hand. He held it out for Rukawa to take.

"Shower's free" he said.

It wasn't real, he reminded himself as he took the towel from Sendoh gratefully. None of this was real. But just for the meantime, just for this short moment, he wanted to let himself believe that it was. But they'd hate him. They'd hate him too, if they knew.

"Thanks" he said softly.

"Don't you boys stay up too late" Sendoh's mother said after them as they left the kitchen "watching those videos of yours and whatnot."

"Mum!" Sendoh exclaimed appalled.

#7 Seems to me like all the world gets high when you take a dare

It was a little awkward for him. It seemed like Sendoh did this kind of thing a lot, perhaps with his team mates, but for Rukawa it was… well… different. He was, after all, different.

The girls on the screen groaned softly, moving their elegant naked bodies to the prompts of the men who were behind the camera. It seemed amazing the kind of things they could be enticed into doing, all the while blushing and giggling so sweetly.

Rukawa allowed himself to examine the form of the girl laid out on her own dining table and experimenting thoughtfully with toys that resembled vibrating eggs. She gasped and wiggled pleasingly for the camera. She was beautiful, he could see, he could appreciate that much. It even aroused him a little, but only because he was projecting himself into her position. Imagining himself laid out to be filmed and examined by those teasing men who loved her in their own peculiar ways. Imagining himself in the receipt of such accepting attention. Sendoh nearby was watching the screen quite intensely. Rukawa didn't dare to wonder whether those intense eyes would ever watch him in the same way.

"Don't you like this one?" Sendoh's query startled him. He realised he had turned his eyes away from the screen in distraction. He shook his head abruptly.

"Oh, no it's fine. I'm okay."

"Why don't you pick one out?" Sendoh offered charitably. He showed Rukawa the drawer where a small collection of adult DVDs were lined up secretly behind more typical Hollywood titles. "What kind of stuff do you prefer?"

The secret answer to that made Rukawa bite his lip slightly. Sendoh noticed his hesitation and grinned widely.

"Oh" he said teasingly "something a bit kinky huh? I should have guessed. Something like this?" He pointed out a couple of boxes and Rukawa, not wanting to seem ungrateful, picked them up to look at. He saw seductive smiles and soft skin. Large round breasts and neat triangles of hair. Not knowing what to do, he carried on looking at the boxes as if he were interested. Sendoh announced that he would go and bring them back some drinks and headed out the door.

Once he'd gone, Rukawa put the DVD cases down uncomfortably. He cast his eyes around Sendoh's bedroom. It was fairly typical of a teenaged boy – bunk beds, a desk covered in all sorts of homework, snacks, empty teacups and paper, posters on the wall half of which were cars, basketball teams or film posters, and the rest were scantily clad women. Rukawa's mother, he knew, would not have permitted him to put up such pictures even if he had the inclination to do so.

He turned his eyes back to the drawer. He ought to pick something before Sendoh came back. Perhaps he should just grab one at random. He reached into the drawer, his hand drawn towards a brightly coloured title "Flower Shop Girl" and pulled it out. As he did so, a thin home written disc in a paper case came out with it. Catching the stowaway before it could fall to the floor, Rukawa made to put it back in among the others but something made him pause and consider it.

He turned it over and over in his hand. There was no writing on the disc or on the case. It was title-less and blank. It might have been an empty writable if not for the fact that the paper case was well worn.

His favourite? He wondered, noticing signs of frequent handling. In that instant he made his decision and, putting Flower Shop Girl back in its place, slipped the untitled disc into the player instead. The screen flickered for a moment before the picture came up.

Wet Palms the title said. A foreign film? A strong, muscular Caucasian appeared on the screen, conveniently without his shirt. Rukawa leaned forward slightly. He knew that American pornography typically showed men and women together, rather than just women alone. In such a case at least he might have something interesting to look at. The film played on.

There were no subtitles so he couldn't follow the dialogue, but he watched curiously as the man approached what appeared to be a hotel. He was greeted by someone who seemed to be the hotel manager. This second man was easy on the eye too, Rukawa noticed approvingly. Still he expected to see a hugely-busty woman arrive on the scene any moment, and it wasn't until a third man walked into view that it really struck him. There were no women.

His heart seemed to stop in his chest. And at that moment the door swung open and Sendoh came back in with two glasses of juice.

"Hey, did you find someth-" he trailed off when he saw Rukawa's opened mouthed surprise and what was on the screen. He stood in the doorway, frozen with horror, while the three men on the screen got down to business, removing clothes and tumbling onto a convenient bed.

"Uh I er…" Sendoh spluttered, suddenly moving into action. He quickly placed the glasses down and headed for the DVD player, reaching for the stop button, "…sorry er this is… uhm… a gift, a joke, actually ah…"

Rukawa reached out and grabbed a hold of his wrist before he could hit the button. Sendoh looked at him in confused and blushing query.

"Leave it" he said quietly.

#8 Coming on strong

They watched, side by side, silent and nervous. Both of them. The air between them was like a self conscious taunt. They were hopelessly aware of every inch of it. On the screen, a head-bobbing blow job played out before their eyes. Rukawa's hands felt clammy. His eyes felt crossed.

"Have you…" Sendoh broke the silence finally with a nervous wavering voice, "…have you ever… done… that…" he nodded at the screen, "before?"

Wordlessly Rukawa shook his head.

"Me neither." Sendoh fidgeted slightly. "What do you think it's like?"

Rukawa's eyes slid over to him. "I don't know. Nice, maybe."

"Yeah" Sendoh nodded dazedly in agreement. "Nice. Maybe."

Rukawa watched him a little longer. He saw Sendoh swallow nervously. He watched a small bulb of sweat trickle down the side of his face. He bit his lip.

#9 I gave what I came to give

"Shit. Shiiiiiiit."

Rukawa looked up enquiringly through his lashes. Sendoh's face was a picture of nervous fear and uncertain pleasure.

"Is it okay?"

"Yeah, yeah but, ugh…" he put his hand near his mouth and bit down on his own knuckle. There wasn't anything elegant or romantic about their experimentation. They spoke in frantic whispers, paranoid and fearful about being discovered, but unable to stop. Hell, unable to stop. They were almost drunk with their own daring.

But it felt… real. Sendoh's skin, his smell, the fibres of his crumpled clothes and sweat sticky skin. The lights were on. There were no dark corners in which to hide, only their own dark minds. They were on a fluttering race towards emancipation but couldn't recognise it for what it was. It didn't feel like relief, or release, or freedom. It only felt scary as hell. It only felt like something they ought to regret.

"Ah no, no stop" Sendoh pushed Rukawa away, face red, hands trembling as they formed a protective cup around his bare, pulsing erection as if nursing it. "Ah shit."

Rukawa wiped messy saliva from his lips with the back of his sleeve. He didn't have a clue what he was doing, but he wanted to carry on anyway. It was as if he'd just discovered a new and fascinating game whose novelty was still bright and sharp. The feel of it, the taste of it, the smooth head and small leaking bulbs of viscous running over his tongue. The fumbled way he bumped his cheek against Sendoh's thigh, hip, the accidental smear of moisture over the side of his cheek and chin. It was messy but the desire to do it overpowered any sense of its awkwardness.

He gently pushed Sendoh's hands away and returned to where he wanted to be.

#10 Surrender rises high

"How dare you?" she hissed upon seeing him on her doorstep. "How dare you come back here, you dirty little faggot?"

Rukawa took a breath. "Mum I just want…" he began. But she interrupted him before he got any further.

"Shut up and wait here" she snapped, and closed the door.

He waited quietly for five minutes or so, shifting his feet and glancing around until finally the door opened again. Two suitcases were expelled onto the doorstep. A basketball followed.

"There. Now get the hell out of here."

Rukawa opened his mouth in astonishment, but the door had already closed for the final time.

He stood, feeling his hands shaking in anger and humiliation. He didn't move from his place, staring first at the door and then at his feet.

Someone came quietly up the path behind him.

"There now" a voice said. "Let's get these to the car now, shall we?"

Rukawa didn't move. A comforting hand was laid on his arm.

"You mother just needs a little time to adjust. It was difficult for me too, when I first found out about Akira. You know mothers. We all have dreams of grandchildren and happy families for our boys. I expect your mother is just afraid you won't be able to find that happiness. You just have to prove to her that you can. And you will."

Rukawa looked sideways at Sendoh's mother who smiled encouragingly at him.

"You know you're welcome to stay with us for as long as you need to. A nice boy like you is more than welcome."

He turned his eyes dazedly to the suitcases near his feet. To his horror he felt his eyes blurring up. She patted him briskly on the back.

"Come on, pull yourself together."

He tried to disguise a sniff, rubbing his hands over his face as if washing the emotion out of it. She chuckled at his efforts.

"But…" he began, unable to stop himself asking the question, "…how did you know… about Akira?"

"Pffft" she put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. "Probably the same way you did. Wet Palms, wasn't it?"

He couldn't help but blush furiously as she turned away and called down the path. "Akira! A hand!"

He shook his head from side to side, mortified by his rising emotional vulnerability, and bent down to lift one of the cases. Sendoh came jogging up to join them, reaching for the other case and catching his eye. His face curved into its usual perplexing grin. Rukawa's heart thudded.

#11 I can see clearly now

"I've heard they're living together."

Rukawa ignored the whispers and the gossip, turning the shower on full blast and feeling the cooling water wash away the sweat and grime of their intense training session.

"Are their family's friends or something?"

"Maybe they're gay."

"Yeah, right."

He closed his eyes, standing still and relaxed under the cascade of water. He couldn't take too long though. Sendoh's father expected him back by six thirty or there'd be all kinds of hell to pay. Stepping out of the cubicle he dried himself with his towel, dressed quickly and wandered into the locker area.

Mitsui, Sakuragi and Myagi looked up at him simultaneously, leaving him in no doubt that he'd been the topic of their conversation.

He ignored them and headed for his locker. It was Kogure who intercepted him.

"Rukawa – are you leaving Shohoku?" He asked with such genuine concern that Rukawa turned his head.

"No…" he replied in confusion, not knowing why Kogure would have got such an idea.

"We've heard that you're living with Sendoh now, you know, from Ryonan?"

As if he wouldn't know who Sendoh was.

He was aware that the three stooges sitting together on the bench had stopped to listen in, only just drawing short of actually leaning in his direction. He looked purposefully in their direction.

"Yeah" he said, addressing the rumour-mongers together, "I am."

They all looked uncomfortable. Sakuragi was the only one who burst into laughter. Pointing an accusing finger in Rukawa's direction he chortled loudly.

"Ewww" he said between barks of irritating laughter. "They're lovers."

Rukawa removed his shoes from his locker and slammed the metal door shut with just enough force to cause Sakuragi to pause mid-outburst.

"Yeah" he said again, staring at his team mates fiercely, "we are."

Then he left.

#12 In the end all will be forgiven

Sendoh met him by the school gate. He must have looked a little flushed because Sendoh looked concerned. "Are you okay? Did something happen?"

Rukawa shook his head mutely. Sendoh pursed his lips for a moment, but then smiled. Uncertainly, hesitantly, he put a hand on Rukawa's shoulder. The public closeness was something they wouldn't get used to for a long time.

"We're already late" he pointed out, looking down at his watch.

Rukawa hummed a little, walking close beside him.

"Did you hear anything from your mum today?"

Rukawa shook his head again, and Sendoh sighed. "Does it bother you?"

Rukawa looked up at him for a moment, before returning his eyes to the pavement at his feet. "No" he said, "not at all."

It wasn't entirely true. And they both knew it.

Still Sendoh smiled and pulled him a little closer. Holding him a little tighter. "Things will work out" he said quietly. "I'm sure of it."

Rukawa leaned into his warmth gratefully. "Yeah" he agreed after a moment, closing his eyes even as they walked. "They will."

#13 Say it now because you never know.

~end.

Some food for thought:

50% of all gay and lesbian youth report that their parents reject them due to their sexual orientation.

In a study of 194 gay and lesbian youth, 25% were verbally abused by parents, and nearly 10% dealt with threatened or actual violence.

Approximately 40% of homeless youth are identified as gay, lesbian or bisexual.

(Source: PFLAG Phoenix – please visit the website for the full list of references)