Chapter 3: A Meeting of Monsters
The mountain holds an untamed, sublime beauty, that speaks of L-sama's infinity in its grandiose conception. Its purely white snow is untouched by man's soiled hands; it is a beauty to defrost the most icicle-like hearts, to make even the most cold and worldly humans hesitant to deface such pristine whiteness--
Lina: FIREBALL!
And then, there's Lina Inverse.
Lina: Whew! It's pretty hard work getting through the snow.
Gourry: Especially when you have to carry someone else on your shoulders...
Lina: Stop whining, Gourry! I'm clearing away all the snow in front of you with my fire spells, and you're always saying I'm a skinny little stick, so it shouldn't be too hard to carry me. Besides, I need to conserve my strength in case we find the murderer and he puts up a fight.
Gourry: But what about conserving my strength?
Lina: Be a man! (suddenly becomes serious) But to tell you the truth, Gourry, if this guy has the Philosopher's Stone, I don't think you'll be able to get near him with your sword. You'll have to leave all the fighting up to me.
Gourry: There's no way I'll let you fight on your own! And besides, I got a few tricks up my scabbard...hey, what was that?
Lina: I saw something too! Look, I think it's a person! Wearing red...
Gourry: I think we found our murderer, Lina. And he's coming here. Flying.
Lina: Flying...do you know what this means, Gourry?
Gourry: What, that he's definitely a sorcerer?
Lina: No, we could have flown up too, dammit! Why didn't you think of that before, idiot?!
Gourry: I did, but I didn't want you taxing yourself too much. Plus, flying gives me the willies. Here he comes.
(The man, who is indeed wearing red robes, flies in for a gentle landing. He wears an expression of the purest, deepest hate, the sort that can sate a Mazoku's hunger for days. His sightless eyes scan the melted path of slushy snow Lina created with her fireballs.)
Rezo: Inverse. Still always at odds with nature, I see.
Lina: What's your point?
Rezo: Who knows. All I know is that you, my creator, have abandoned me, and--
Gourry: She's your what?!
Lina: Ah ha ha!! You didn't hear that, Gourry! Let's KILL him, now!! Kill him, KILL him! ...Please?
Gourry: Hold it, Lina. I want to hear what he has to say.
Rezo: Ah, so you've yet to tell your lover about your little secret, Inverse? About the abomination you created and tried to destroy!
(Lina looks at her toes miserably.)
Lina: I guess the giant ravening monster's out of the bag now.
Gourry: You...created him? This man, who framed Martina and stole your family treasure?
Lina: Yeah.
Gourry: That's so neat! Can you teach me to make people too?
Rezo: ...You're all depraved.
Lina: You're not mad at me, Gourry? You don't think I'm an awful person, you don't think I'm responsible for Martina's death?
Gourry: Naw. I'm sure you had good intentions, and it's not your fault if your creation's a heartless bastard.
Rezo: (sputtering) I'm not the heartless bastard here! Do you know what this so-called woman has put me through? She created me, gave me enormous power, then left me to die in a trash heap! I survived, but I am an outcast from society! My blindness will never, ever let me enjoy the ordinary joys of society--I don't have a family, or even a home, I can't watch the horse races, and I never get invited to frat parties!
Lina: Oh Rezo...I wouldn't have thrown you away if I knew...that you're so powerful!
Rezo: You haven't been paying attention at all since I said that, have you?
Gourry: Hey Rinaldo--
Rezo: It's Rezo.
Gourry: Rezo. You know, your life can't be all that bad. I mean, I've had to live with Lina most of my life, and let me tell you, what you went through is nothing compared to what I go through on a daily basis--
Lina: Flare Arrow.
Gourry: WAH! You see what I mean?!
Rezo: But you must at least have a chance at happiness, yes? You will one day get married and live in a beautiful home, with charming little children who love and adore you.
Lina: You obviously haven't actually met any real kids.
Rezo: (ignoring her) But I will never realize this dream...because chicks don't dig blind guys. Well, except for that one creepy delusional girl in skimpy black leather who kept following me--
Lina: Aah! Naga!
Rezo: What are you yelling about? Anyway, I have not come here merely to lament my sucky life. I have a demand to make of you, Inverse, and as my creator you have a duty toward me that requires you to fulfill my wish.
Lina: What's this 'duty' thing everyone keeps talking about?
Gourry: Be serious for once, Lina!
Lina: Oh, I'm serious, Gourry. Dead serious. Just because I don't act all gloomy and doomy doesn't mean I'm not. (turns to Rezo) Before I hear your demand, I've got one of my own, and you have a duty too, as my creation, to comply with it. Now, tell me how you stole the Philosopher's Stone and framed Martina.
Rezo: Am I such a worthless creature that you are already convinced of my guilt? You think that I am only capable of vice and misdeed?
Lina: No, it's just that Gourry actually saw you take the Philosopher's Stone.
Rezo: Oh. Well, here's what happened; I spent many months researching ways to cure my blindness, and came across a spell that could work. But I needed the power of the Philosopher's Stone to carry it out.
Lina: So you somehow found out the Stone was hidden in my house, then broke into my vault and stole it?
Rezo: Actually, I was just trying to steal some money, and your estate was a fine target since I have no compunctions about robbing you dry. I picked up the statue by chance, along with as much gold as I could carry, not knowing the Stone was hidden inside.
Lina: You stole my MONEY, too?! And your stupid plot device is soooo contrived...wait, why haven't you cured yourself yet?
Rezo: The spell is...dangerous, and I still care enough about this uncaring world that I will not try it. Yet.
Lina: You're scared, aren't you?
Rezo: Bitch.
Gourry: Hold it! Lina, didn't you hear him? That spell is gonna put the whole world in danger!
Lina: Eh? I must've missed that. I'm kind of used to ultra dangerous spells by now...anyway, what about Martina?
Rezo: Hm? You mean the girl I planted the statue on?
Lina: Why did you involve her in this? Did you have some sort of grudge against her? ...Wait, let me use some Amelia-type logic: you saw her supposed joyful innocence or something and--
Rezo: I can't see.
Lina: DON'T INTERRUPT! Ahem. You...sensed her joyful innocence with some neat astral plane trick, and realized you could never share in those sort of feel-good...feelings with another person. So you took out your futile despair and anger with society out on Martina?
Rezo: No, she was just annoying me. I met her at the grocery store. She had this cackling, obnoxious laugh, and horrible taste in battle bikinis, with these ugly spiked shoulder guards.
Gourry: Hey, how did you see--
Lina: AAH! NAGA!!
Rezo: Will you stop doing that?
Lina: Sorry, reflex response. Please continue.
Rezo: ...Okay, um...right, and it was really irritating when she kept muttering "Zoamel Gustarse" or something in her sleep.
Lina: Yeh, definitely Martina...hey waitaminute, how come you were with her when she was asleep? You two didn't...?
Rezo: Get your mind out of the gutter, Inverse. She was asleep because I knocked her out when she got too annoying.
Lina: Ah.
Rezo: Bonked her with my staff. Twice! Ye gods, that was fun.
Lina: (trying to get her mind out of the gutter) And then you must have planted the statue on her. How come there weren't any witnesses?
Rezo: I was in the abandoned "foreign cheeses" aisle.
Lina: I see.
Rezo: So. Inverse, I have fulfilled your demand. Now you must fulfill mine. But first, know this: I make this demand for the good of this hateful society, which I once hoped would love and accept me, because I still have the capacity to care in this frozen heart of mine. Unlike you, I might add. All I wish for is that you allow one happiness for me; then I shall leave the company of man forever. Now, hear my demand, creator!
Lina: I'm listening.
Rezo: ...
Gourry: If it helps, I'm listening too.
Rezo: ...
Lina: Any day now.
Rezo: ...Look, it's kind of...embarrassing.
Lina: Just say it--I don't have all day!
Rezo: I demand...a companion so I can...you know.
Lina: Eh? Know what?
Rezo: You know...that thing you need a partner to do. Everyone does it. It's a human need.
Gourry: I know what he means.
Lina: (amazed) You do?
Gourry: Sure, 'course I do. It's pretty obvious, Lina, except maybe to little girls. (to Rezo) You can go now. I'll tell her what you mean.
Rezo: Thank you, good sir. Despite your affiliation with HER, you are very wise and perceptive.
Lina: (sarcastically) Isn't he.
Rezo: And you, my dear creator, had better get cracking on my companion!
Lina: Uh...I can't make you a companion! I leased my lab out to Zelgadis for a year.
Rezo: You can use my laboratory in Old Sairaag. The password is 'chicken'.
Lina: Rats.
Rezo: No no, chicken. Give my companion some nicer clothes than mine, will you? Something nice and feminine. I will be checking on you in one month.
(Rezo flies away with a fancy magical light show accompaniment.)
Lina: Sheesh. So Gourry, what did he mean? It had better not be what I think it means, 'cause then I'd really have to call men pigs.
Gourry: (sagely) He needs a companion to play checkers with. Someone challenging, someone at the same intellectual level as him.
Lina: (skeptically) Really.
Gourry: Yeah, really.
Lina: Oookay, since he seemed to agree with you, then I know just the thing to make him happy and stop bugging me. And it shouldn't be that hard to do, since I've done it once already...
Gourry: You know, I wonder why he didn't just cast that spell to take away his blindness?
Lina: Feh. I bet he can't cast the spell, even with the Philosopher's Stone. Or maybe he can't get anyone to like him because of his bad personality, so he blames it on his blindness, and he needs me to make a companion to fill up the aching void in his life blah blah blah. Typical male behavior. I bet that whole social conscience act was just...well, an act.
(Gourry snores.)
Lina: (sighing) Let's get out of here.
Lina and Gourry return to the Inverse estate, and meet up with Zelgadis and Amelia to tell them all that transpired atop the snowy, isolated peaks where abides the monster of Lina's creation. The chimera and the princess act suitably shocked and apalled.
Zel and Amelia: GASP!
Once that task is done, and Amelia is given some sedatives to calm her down, Lina decides to get started on making Rezo's companion. Alone.
Lina: I know you guys probably want to help me out with digging through graves and attaching spare body parts and wading through intestines and spleens and--
Amelia: Not really.
Gourry: What? I lost you at hello.
Zel: I'm no longer bound by that bloody contract of yours.
Lina: Well, FINE! Be that way! I'll do it myself then! Alone!
Gourry: I'll come with you, even though I don't really understand what you're doing, since I'm your, you know, protector and all.
Amelia: Oh! I see your plan, Gourry-san! You and Lina-san all alone together in a dark, cozy little lab, with her jumping into your arms at every creepy bump in the night...
Lina: ARGH! For the last time, WE ARE NOT LIKE THAT!!! I am LEAVING, and no one better follow me, unless you want a fireball shoved down your pants!!
Amelia: Okay. Well, not the fireball down the pants thing, but the leave you alone thing I can do.
Zel: Fine with me.
Gourry: Can you repeat everything you said, Lina?
Tearing herself away from the soothing company of her friends and her, uh, completely platonic relationship with her fiance, Lina heads to Sairaag, where she finds Rezo's lab in the old part of the city. She takes stock of the marvelous capabilities of the lab...
Lina: Holy mother of Ceipheed! Everything in here is bursting with magical power! I'm swiping all of it when I leave!
...and sets up all her fancy schmancy magical equipment required for the creation of a human. Then realizes she has no idea what to do.
Lina: Damn it, I really do need someone's help. And Zelgadis won't help me--now that he's got my lab for a year, he's got no reason to. I think I can handle assembling a body and imbuing it with life, but for the process I've got in mind I'll need an expert in another field...
Now, Lina may seem like a slightly mad, power-hungry, legendary sorceress who is feared by anyone with half a brain (even Gourry), but she's really just an ordinary girl on the inside. Really. So she seeks help like any ordinary person would...
(One week later)
Eris: Are you the one who placed an ad in the newspaper looking for a copy homoculus expert?
Lina: Yep. I'm making a copy of someone, and you're going to help me. Let's get started right now!
Eris: Well, to tell you the truth I specialize in chimeras...
Lina: I don't care, as long as you know how to make copies. Come on, hurry up, I'm not paying you to just stand there!
Eris: Hmph. Who are we copying?
Lina: A, um, acquaintance of mine. I've got some of his hair to work with here--
Eris: (gasping like a fish) I'd recognize that rich shade of velvety purple anywhere! That's Rezo-sama's hair! Why...why are you making a copy of him? He's not...dead, is he?
Lina: No, he just...asked me to make a companion for him. For intellectual stimulation or something, I guess.
Eris: Oh, Rezo-sama, why? Was I not worthy to be your companion? Did your all-consuming quest blind you to my needs?
Lina: Lady, the last thing I want to hear about is your needs--
Eris: (ignoring her) But never mind that! If Rezo-sama wishes for a copy, then I shall do everything in my power to provide him with one!
Lina: Goody.
Together, the two talented sorceresses work with the professionalism of their trade, their efforts in perfect harmony with each other.
Eris: Stand aside, child, and let me do everything. I don't want you messing up this delicate process.
Lina: Hey, I'M the one calling the shots here, so you have to listen to me!
Eris: As if I'd follow the lead of an inexperienced child!
Lina: Tacky, leather-wearing slut...
Eris: Flat-chested, immature little brat...
(collective glares)
Eris: You don't know what you're doing!
Lina: The hell I don't!
Eris: That's right, you don't! I won't let you ruin Rezo-sama's beautiful visage! Now give me those eyeballs!
Lina: No!
...the results are predictable.
The stiff body lying on the cold steel table is monstrously huge, at least seven feet tall. Its clothes, being chosen by Eris, are of questionable taste, and, strangely, resemble a white dress (Rezo did say he wanted his companion to wear nice, feminine clothing). Its pale hand clenches a sorcerer's staff in a death-like grip. Oddly, the staff is held up in the air so that it is perpendicular to the table the monster lies on. The creature's pale, delicately-featured face is framed by longish (for a man) strands of straight purple hair. In fact, it looks like nothing so much as--
Eris: Rezo-sama! He looks just like Rezo-sama!
Lina: No duh, he's supposed to be an exact copy. Except for that extra liver in there...
Eris: Oh, shut up. I'm sure everything is fine, despite your bungling.
Lina: Digu volt!
(This is what you call 'killing two birds with one hefty stone'. Lina takes the opportunity to fry Eris, and also to send electricity into the inert body of Rezo's copy. You know what happens next.)
Lina: It's alive, it's alive, yadda yadda yadda.
Eris: He's ALIVE! Rezo-sama!
Kopii: Who? What? Where? When? Why? Hellooooo, nurse!
Eris: Rezo-sama! I am your loyal servant, Eris.
Koppi: Er-is? I...have a vague memory...a sort of far-off dream, like I'm remembering someone else's life...and you are in it.
Eris: You have the original Rezo's memories...you remember me!
Kopii: Yeah. You were annoying. (Blasts a hole through Eris's chest)
Eris: W-why...? Rezo-sama... (dies)
Lina: Crap. This is not good.
Kopii: Understatement of the year, Inverse.
(Kopii turns his closed eyes toward her...and opens them. One eye is normal, but the other is a scary Mazoku eye.)
Lina: I knew Eris grabbed the wrong eyeball jar but nooooo, she wouldn't listen to me...
Kopii: You. You are our creator. His creator. Mine.
Lina: Er...
Kopii: I don't like you much either.
(He tries to fireball Lina to kingdom come, his will be done, but Kopii's a newborn and can't control his magic all that well. Kids these days....anyway, Lina escapes with relative ease. She raywings out of Rezo's underground lab, placing a seal on the door behind her. Huffing and puffing from her hurried flight outta there, she stands with uncharacteristic uncertainty in the cold night air of Sairaag.)
Lina: That's not going to hold him forever. Shit! What am I going to do?
(Her seldom-heard conscience fairy is screaming at her about thinking through the consequences of her actions before performing the act...Lina kicks away the conscience fairy.)
Lina: What a crappy day.
Gourry: Lina!
Zel: Lina!
Amelia: Lina-san!
Lina: It just got crappier, too.
Rezo: You bet it did.
Lina: Rezo! Uh...hi! I finished your copy for you, it's down in the lab, it's slightly psychotic, but who cares, bye!
Rezo: (Freeze arrows her feet to the ground) What do you mean by "copy"?
Lina: (Looks vaguely panicked) That's what you wanted, isn't it? A companion to do that thing you do with?
Rezo: Fool! I wanted a female!
(Everyone gets an 'Oh! I see!' look on their faces.)
Amelia: I guess men really are pigs.
Lina: But...but Gourry said--
(Gourry gives her a blank expression.)
Gourry: I don't know what you're talking about. Is it something to do with pigs? I kind of lost track of the conversation. And who's this Ritzo guy anyway?
Lina: GOURRY, you STUPID--
Rezo: Silence! There is no excuse, Inverse; you have not fulfilled my demand. And for that, I shall destroy everything you love until you are as wretched as me!
Lina: (horrified) You mean...
Rezo: Yes! I shall kill all our friends, starting with...her! (points at Amelia)
Zel: Aaaaand that's going to hurt Lina how?
Amelia: (distraught) Zelgadis-san!
Gourry: He was just kidding, Amelia. I think.
Lina: You plan to kill all my friends so I'll become a blubbering, whiny mess. Like you.
Rezo: I wouldn't put it that way, but that's the gist of it.
Lina: So who's next on the hitlist, after Amelia?
Rezo: Next I'll kill your pet chimera--
Zel: That's 'licensed assistant'.
Rezo: And as the coup de grace, the emotional climax, the most heart-wrenching despir I can bestow on your most unworthy head--
Lina: Get on with it.
Rezo: I will be with you on your wedding night! (poses dramatically)
Lina: What's that supposed to mean? I'm not getting married, damnit!
Rezo: I shall kill your fiance, fool! (poses dramatically again)
(Everyone gasps in horror.)
Gourry: So who's he gonna kill?
Rezo: (wobbles)
Amelia: That's you, Gourry-san!
Lina: Is not!
Amelia: Is so! Luna arranged it when your parents died!
Gourry: Can I ask a question?
Lina: Only if it's an intelligent one.
Gourry: What's a fiance?
Lina: ...That wasn't an intelligent question.
Zel: Save it for Season Two, Gourry.
Rezo: AHEM! If you'll all kindly direct your attention to me, since I'm making a very dramatic threat here, and I am the main villain--
Zel: No you're not, Lina's the villain.
Lina: Yeah, Lina's the--what?!
Zel: Gothic hero-villain. Didn't you know?
Lina: You've been in the lab too long, Zel. The fumes must be getting to you.
Rezo: AHEM, AGAIN! Look I just have ONE more really important thing to say before I make my dramatic exit! CAPICHE?!
(Everyone cowers silently.)
Rezo: ...Actually, come to think of it, I don't. Just, like, beware my wrath or something, creator.
Lina: Sure. But to tell you the truth, I don't really fear your 'wrath'. I don't particularly care if you kill off my friends. It'd kind of be convenient, actually.
Gourry: Lina!
Amelia: Lina-san! How can you say that?
Zel: I'll admit, even I'm shocked.
Rezo: You truly are a heartless, despicable monster, Inverse. I have no qualms about killing you now. Not that I did before, but now my actions are justified.
Amelia: That's awfully twisted justice.
Lina: So now what're you planning to do to me?
Rezo: Hmm...I'll have to rethink my vengeance. But know this: unpleasant justice shall be served by my hands!
Lina: 'Unpleasant'?
Amelia: There's that weird justice again.
Rezo: Oh, shut up. (Walks away into the mist, annoyed)
Zel: Well, that was productive.
Gourry: Lina! Would you really not care if we died?
Lina: Of course not! Have some faith in me, people! I'd be one seriously messed-up, emotionally unbalanced, destructive person with no regard for friendship or human life if I felt that way...what?
Zel: Nothing.
Amelia: I never doubted you, Lina-san! I knew that your justice-loving heart that binds our eternal friendship would--
Lina: Although, if you died I wouldn't have to deal with your speeches anymore...
Amelia: Hey!
Lina: And I wouldn't have to marry Gourry, and I could have my lab back...
Gourry and Zel: Hey!
Lina: Okay, okay! I was just kidding.
(Everyone glares at her.)
Lina: I was! Look, I told Rezo I wouldn't care if you died so he wouldn't try to kill all of you. Okay?
Zel: That might have been a foolish decision...he might decide the best way to get his vengeance will be to use the Philosopher's Stone...
Amelia: Yeah, he's not only angry at you, right? He's angry at all of society. Imagine the sort of big, beautiful, building-toppling explosions he can cause with the Philosopher's Stone! (sighs dreamily)
Lina: Eh, let's go home for now and worry about it later. After all, there's not much one puny sorcerer can do against the great Lina Inverse!
(Thunder crashes ominously.)
Lina: Maybe I shouldn't tempt FATE like that...
Author's notes:
I put more events into this chapter than I intended. Oh well, it flows better like this. Er, that's about all I have to say. No idea when the next chapter is coming out, but it'll probably have Sylphiel in it. Hurrah!