Not Alone
Chapter Nine
Saturday afternoon Kensi lay in Marty's lap. They were sharing the couch and both were well rested and well fed – a nice change from the way they'd spent the early part of the week. Marty was supposed to be watching a football game but was actually spending more time looking down at her.
"Do you even know what the score is, Deeks?" she asked with a grin. Kensi was still slightly uncomfortable with the open emotion that had planted itself on her partner's face and never seemed to leave. She was starting to wonder if he would be able to wipe the silly grin off his face long enough to go to work on Monday.
But Deeks didn't care. He had reached a new place in his life and he liked it. He was determined to make it last.
"Actually, it's a game I dvred when I was under cover. I know who wins so I don't have to watch every second. I am enjoying the game, even if I'm not watching it. Does that make sense?"
Kensi laughed. It was a sound he loved and wanted to hear as often as possible. "No, it doesn't make sense, but yes, I understand what you're trying to say."
"So, you think that just because we've spent the last three days together that you now understand the deep and meaningful Marty Deeks, huh?"
Most of the time they were in tune with each other in a way that left many things unsaid – but understood. Theirs was a language of gestures and touches. They spoke with facial expressions and sometimes-blatant physical events. When Kensi shoved him away from her, Marty got a definite message. When she was silent and moved close to him, he read her thoughts. When his hand would rest on her arm and his thumb would rub gentles circles, she always knew if he was soothing her or himself and was a willing participant.
Now, things were different. Well, some things would never change but there were fewer secrets now between Marty and Kensi, and between Marty and Kensi and the rest of the world. They were no longer hiding their relationship at work. The last time Hetty had called for a status report she had even given Kensi a message for him without asking if he were there. And the whole gang had gotten together at Marty's apartment for pizza and beer the night before and no one was the least bit surprised when Kensi was able to get fresh clothes from the bedroom when Nell dropped pepperoni in her lap.
Kensi thought about what he had just asked her. She was quiet and stayed that way for so long that Marty ran his comment through his mind again and tried to see if she might have gotten a different meaning than the simple teasing question he had intended. He didn't come up with any obvious inappropriateness, so he waited, still watching her as she lay beside him.
Kensi thought back to the previous three days. They were at a really good place now, but it hadn't happened overnight. The first day they had reunited at the beach. It was morning and neither of them had slept for more than a day, so they didn't have near enough energy to talk or do the other things they really wanted to. Instead, they held hands on the way back to the apartment. The physical proof that they were together and safe was as satisfying as the breakfast they had hungrily consumed. Once they were inside, Deeks quickly lost his battle with exhaustion. His head was pounding and his vision starting to swim when Kensi lead him into the bedroom and settled herself on the bed.
"You better put on something dry before you get into bed, especially if you think I'm going to join you." She laughed at the look of confusion on Marty's tired face. "Don't get too excited there, tiger. You'll be asleep in ninety seconds. We're just gonna sleep Deeks."
He shook his head ruefully and grinned. "I'm sorry Kens."
Suddenly serious she stood and put a soft hand against his cheek. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You always told me that it takes time to come back to yourself after going deep undercover. There is no hurry here. I'm going to be here for you until you're back on your feet and feeling like yourself again. Just like you would be for me if the tables were turned. You okay with that?"
Marty looked at his partner a long time before he was sure he wouldn't embarrass himself when he spoke. "More than okay with that. Yep. Very okay." He pulled her close to him and they rested with their heads pressed close. The comfort and familiarity made Kensi's chest tighten, but frankly, it made Marty dizzy. Kensi pulled away when she felt him start to sway slightly. Laughing, she straightened him up and pushed him gently away from her.
"Dry clothes Deeks. Focus. I'm going to go brush my teeth. Last one in bed is a rotten egg."
Five minutes later she crawled onto the bed next to him. He was wearing sweats and a white t-shirt. Kensi had liberated a LAPD shirt from his clean laundry pile and paired it with yoga pants she'd had in the car.
When Marty cracked open one eye to look at her, he moaned softly.
"What?"
"That's my shirt Blye. You're killin' me here."
"So, you have a problem with me borrowing your things." She tried to sound offended but he could hear the awareness in her voice.
"No. Not at all. It's just that you're wearing my shirt and you are totally hot in it. It's a caveman thing. You're making me crazy. That's all," he finished weakly.
Kensi laughed and leaned down to brush a simple kiss against his lips.
"Under the covers, Deeks, and don't even think about trying any funny business."
"Yes Kensi."
By the time she had gotten them both covered up and snuggled herself against his side until she was comfortable, Kensi thought he had fallen asleep. She took the opportunity to look at him without hiding and to feel grateful that he was safe and home and close enough to touch.
She was startled when he opened his eyes briefly, kissed the top of her head and said quietly. "It's good to be home."
When Deeks awoke it was afternoon. It took him a moment with his eyes closed to realize he was in his own apartment, in his own bed-alone. He sat up quickly and looked around. His head still felt thick but he was sure he remembered… Then his eyes fell on a bright pink piece of paper on the other side of the bed. He smiled as he picked it up; glad no one else knew how high his heart rate had gone in that brief moment he missed her.
Deeks,
Did you just freak out when you realized I wasn't there?
I'm sorry you had to wake and find me gone. I need to go in and talk to the agents about the girl we busted last night. I'm hoping that she was just a misplaced friendly and that they are taking good care of her.
Go back to sleep. I'll be there ASAP and I'll bring dinner and a movie.
TTYL
Kensi
P.S. You don't need to freak out any more, you know I'll be back.
P.S.S. I love you Marty Deeks- Wow that was tough to write. : )
When Kensi finally made it back to the apartment with her arms loaded with bags of groceries and boxes of Korean takeout, it was dark and silent. She had always enjoyed her alone time, really needed time spent in quiet contemplation or just spent. But since she had admitted her feelings for her partner to herself, she also had to admit she missed him when he wasn't around. A lot.
After dropping her bundles on the kitchen counter she moved toward the living room to turn on the stereo and noticed a piece of paper lying on the couch in the spot where she usually sat. She picked it up and a contented smile spread over her face as she read.
Kens,
Hi. Yes, I freaked a little but got over it quickly. Lol. I'm going to LAPD to fill out my preliminary reports and then stop in to see Monica and get my hair uncolored. Can't wait for that can you?
I'll try to be there for dinner by 6:30. I'll bring the beer because I am the classy date, right?
I miss you already,
Marty
By the time Deeks made it home he was tired and starving. He kissed Kensi deeply but briefly and they both laughed at the idea that even this early in their relationship, food and sleep still had to be priorities.
They were both sound asleep on the couch by nine o'clock when Kensi woke and decided she needed to go home.
"But you are home Kens," he whined gently in her ear. "Stay with me, please."
"Deeks, working this op put our relationship on a roller coaster and you being Victor messed it up even more. I think we need to sleep and do normal things for a day or two so that we can make good choices for the future."
Kensi saw the way Marty's face changed while she was speaking and hurried to reassure him. She took his face in both her hands, waiting until he looked up and met her eyes. "Deeks, I'm not dumping you or trying to let you down easy or any of the other things that you're thinking right now. You don't need to freak out, remember? I love you, and that's just the way it is. But I want us to be our best when move forward. I need a few hours to think about you. It's okay to be apart a little. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, you know? Although if my heart grows any more fond it may just explode…" Her words trailed off and she realized that she had been babbling. These were not things the old Kensi would ever have admitted too, and that reality was not lost on Deeks.
He pressed a finger to her lips, stopping her before she could add any more to the already intense moment. And he laughed softly.
"I get if Kensi and you're right. I just don't want to be that far away from you. I will get to see you tomorrow, right?"
"Yes. Definitely. I'll come by in the afternoon. Do you want to get together with the rest of the team tomorrow night? They really did miss you and they've been complaining that we never have any fun anymore. We could go out or maybe you'd rather just order pizza and watch a movie? Or play poker?"
Marty was hesitant as Kensi spoke. Normally he loved spending time with the team. It had been a rough road but he knew that he was now as much a part of the team as anyone else. He could finally accept that they missed him and genuinely wanted to spend time together. But he was still working to shed his undercover persona and was reluctant to share his Kensi time with anyone else – until she said "poker".
"Poker! Yes please. Can we do it here?"
She laughed at his sudden improvement in mood. "Yes, Deeks we can do it here. I'll call everyone in the morning and set it up. Seven o'clock work for you?"
"Sure, but only if you come a lot earlier." When she gave him a wicked grin he quickly added, "I'll need your help getting ready, Kens."
"Well, lucky for you, I'm free to help you out tomorrow." Reluctantly she gathered up her things to leave, then turned serious as she spoke quietly to him. "You know you can call anytime, right?" When he nodded thoughtfully she added, "by the way, your hair looks good. Like Deeks is back you know?"
"Yep. I know."
Poker night had been a blast. The team was together and grateful. It had been ages since they had gathered just to spend time and enjoy each other's company. There was tons of food, lots of beer and much spirited competition. Kensi was very good at playing poker while her undercover-expert partner stunk. It was strange and she had reminded herself to talk to him about it sometime. It seemed like a guy who could be another person in the blink of an eye would be good at bluffing – not an epic failure.
They had laughed and talked and told stories until the wee hours when Hetty demanded they sing karaoke. She was really an excellent singer and when she'd had just enough to drink she really loved entertaining.
After a couple slightly stumbling attempts to get the equipment set up – even Eric forgot a few steps – they were ready.
Hetty sang Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better and had them rolling on the floor, especially when Sam joined her in the back and forth chorus of the song.
Callen did Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen by Baz Luhrmann. The rest of the team gave him crap because it was spoken to music and not sung – but he did it well and was hilarious.
Kensi never agreed to sing at these events, so she juggled for a few minutes. Sam claimed that he had done his part when he backed up Hetty.
Eric and Nell blew them totally away when they did a duet from Godspell called All The Best. It was fast, fabulous and funny and Eric sang it as if he'd done it a thousand times. Nell stumbled a time or two but Eric helped her through and more than one of the team wondered just what was going on between them.
The crowd was getting tired by the time Marty stepped up to do his bit. He chose a song that no one on the team had heard before – except Kensi who often listened to his ipod in the car. He sang James Morrison's Under The Influence. When the soft, jazzy introduction started Callen couldn't help but comment. "That doesn't sound The Doors to me."
Kensi reached over and pushed him not so gently on the shoulder. "Not Jim Morrison, James Morrison. Now hush."
Later, they would realize that none of them aside from Kensi had ever heard Deeks sing. He was good. They were shocked. The song was slow and perfect for his voice.
I was sure
I was born and raised to be my own man
I was so sure
I was never gonna need a helping hand
And she said
Trust in your heart
And there's no need to understand
Well, just when I thought
I had it planned out
Whatever I do
I'm under the influence of you
Whatever I do
I'm under the influence of you…
No one in the room had any doubt who he was singing to. If something like this had happened to Kensi in the past, it would have sent her running for the hills. Public displays of affection made her uncomfortable even in a crowded room full of strangers. But now, she sat and listened to Deeks sing about the "tidal wave that swept me off my feet," knowing full well that he meant her, and felt only warm and safe and loved.
It had been a great party.
As Nell "caught a ride home" with Eric they talked about the new team dynamics.
"It's hard to believe that woman is the same Kensi Blye. I have never seen her so calm. And Deeks! Omg, he's like the cat that ate the canary. I wonder if he's ever been this happy before." Eric's voice carried his amazement.
It was Nell who summed it up best, though. "I wonder if either one of them has ever felt so connected?"
Kensi woke up in her own apartment that Saturday morning. It had taken all her strength to leave with the rest of the team the night – or morning before. It had earned her a number of curious looks when she'd announced she was leaving too. As much time as the team knew they had spent together in the last few days, it was assumed that she was actually staying with him.
But lying in her bed alone, she knew it was time to move past the denial and decide what she wanted from this day and perhaps all the days in her future.
Kensi climbed out of bed and into her running gear. A run was what she needed to clear her head and give her the time and space to think. At first she ran hard enough that the effort demanded her thoughts as the miles ticked away. She purposely ran farther than her usual route, forcing herself to end the hardest part of her run a sizable distance from home. When she slowed to a walk she grinned to herself. She had decided that she wouldn't go back home until she was comfortable with her decision.
"I am an idiot," she thought. "I have actually given myself and assignment." But the soft, small smile remained as she walked on autopilot toward home.
Marty Deeks. She was aware what happened when she thought about him. There was a sense of safety and calm that overtook her. And there was heat. Being honest was not her strong suit but she pressed on. He made her heart rate pick up and caused a rush in her belly. She felt lighter when she admitted that she believed he would stay, that he would never leave her of his own volition. And she felt an urgent weight when she touched the possibilities of the danger they faced every day. If she let him in, if she truly gave herself over to these feeling and then lost him…
Her thoughts were a blur and she ended up just remembering. The good times, the touches, the teasing, the kisses. The bad times, the pain, the loneliness and the fear. Suddenly, she was standing at her own front door. She had promised she would not go inside until she was sure. She had expected this decision to be uncomfortable and difficult. Instead, she stuck her key into the lock and pushed the door open. She shook her head and huffed as she stepped inside, finally admitting the truth. There was only one place she wanted to be. It was that easy.
Only a few moments had passed as she contemplated her answer to his question. Bringing herself back to the present she decided that it wasn't necessary to talk about it right now, so she propped herself on one elbow and pulled his head down into a kiss. Before they got carried away, Kensi rolled up to a sitting position, slid slightly away from Marty's warmth and stood. He frowned and reached for her arm. "Where you going? Don't leave."
"We can't spend the whole day on the couch, Deeks. We need to go spend some time in the gym." She jabbed him gently in the gut. "Time to get your groove back, mister, and get rid of Victor forever." Then she bent and kissed him one more time.
Two hours later they were both lying on their backs on a mat in the gym. During the time they'd been partnered together they'd done more than just fall in love. Deeks had helped Kensi develop her undercover skills, and lead by example, showing how to create bonds that made gathering information easier and more successful. Kensi had helped Deeks improve his already very good shooting skills and, of course, his physical training had improved as well.
They had started the workout with free weights and moved on to the heavy bag but for the last twenty minutes they had worked on hand-to-hand skills. The new, more physical aspect of their relationship could be pushed to the back of their minds in an actual, serious encounter, but working in the gym was different.
Marty would love to watch Kensi fight to the end of his days. She was so good it made him crazy. He loved it when she was flushed and warm and just a little sweaty. She was graceful, fast and incredibly strong. And every time her amazing beauty distracted him, she nailed him.
"Uncle," Marty groaned. "You win. You're better than me and always will be. Please say we can stop."
Kensi rolled up onto her side and scooted her body closer to his. She put her hand carefully on his chest and could feel his still pounding heart. She started to speak and then hesitated. Deeks rolled up to mirror her position. He knew she was struggling and, although he was pretty certain they were on the same page, he frowned slightly while he waited for her to try again.
Finally, Kensi met his gaze, took a deep breath and spoke.
"Are you okay, Marty? Are we doing this?"
He knew, of course, what "this" was. He had told her before he was in, committed and ready. But if she needed to hear it again he'd tell her. Again and again and again, if he needed too.
"I love you, Kensi Blye. I'm doing this, full on, no hesitation. So the only question is, are you doing this with me?"
She was tense and it made him a little nervous. He reached out his hand and rested it against her cheek and tried not to panic as the seconds ticked by. Then, he could see and feel her relax as she pushed her face against his hand and finally smiled.
"Yes. Completely. There are still things that scare me but what scares me the most is my life without you. We are what we are and that means risk. But I want to be happy each and every moment I can. In order for that to happen, I need to be with you."
Marty reached out and pulled her close, nearly crushing her in his overwhelming joy. They clung to each other for a moment and then relaxed apart laughing.
Marty's gaze was so full of affection and hope that it made Kensi's eye blur in an almost unfamiliar way. Sensing her discomfort, Marty rolled onto his back taking her with him and covered every inch of her face and neck with exuberant kisses.
When they finally paused to take a breath, he looked down on her with adoration and near awe.
"So, what are we going to do now?" His voice was soft with genuine emotion but it didn't stop him from throwing her a wicked grin and waggling his eyebrows suggestively at her.
"Yeah," she said still laughing. "That too. But first, I'm going to Disneyland."
Yeah! Everybody's happy. Hope you like it and I hope you'll be kind enough to let me know. It really matters! Thanks you all for reading!