Retro Rescue by Luvscharlie

Warnings: Incest, spanking, oral, orgasm denial, outdoor, many references to syndicated television shows and American pop culture.

A/N: Originally written for 2011 slash_weasley exchange on Live Journal where dragongirl997 requested crack!fic, humour, tattoos, blood play (blink and you'll miss it). There are additional Authors Notes at the end to avoid spoilers and still give credit where credit is due.

Bill was at his wits end. He had been searching high and low, while stealthily avoiding his mother who was hell bent on cutting his hair—to make it "acceptable" for the wedding, and still there was no best man in sight.

"I swear when I find Charlie, I'm going to murder him." Bill punched one fist into the other palm for emphasis.

"You know, that probably won't help you with the problem of having no best man for the ceremony." Ron was behind him being rather unhelpful with his commentary.

"I'll revive him again after I kill him. Then I might kill him again, just for fun. After that, I think I'll turn Fleur loose on him, and he'll wish for death. And, if he's not able to complete his duties after all the murder, I'll just prop him up with a spell so he can stand there and look pretty."

Ron nicked a shrimp puff on the way through the kitchen while their mother wasn't looking. "That could work. Can I watch? I'd like to see that."

"Want a dead brother then, do you?" Bill asked, head turning, eyes darting back and forth, as he made another round through the Burrow in search of Charlie.

"Got one or two to spare, don't I?" Ron replied around his shrimp puff. "Besides," he said, swallowing down his final bit, "I figure chances are just as good you'll wind up the dead one, as Charlie, and then there won't be a wedding and I can take off these bloody robes. I can't breathe; they're so fucking hot. Why does everybody think the hottest months of the year are the best to make us get trussed up like bloody fucking Christmas geese?"

"Let Mum hear you talking like that, and there'll be a dead Weasley boy at this ceremony. It'll be you. You know how she feels about that kind of language."

Scoffing, Ron continued tagging along. "Mum's too busy polishing the silver and guarding the food—shrimp puffs are dead delicious by the way—to worry about my foul mouth."

Bill was making another fruitless pass through the kitchen, and Ron was reaching out for another shrimp puff, when their mother entered the room, and he drew his hand back in a hurry.

"Bill, dear, you look distressed. Is something wrong? Have you changed your mind, darling? There's still time to—"

The look of hope on his mother's face was undeniable. She was not pleased about this wedding, and not even the promise of grandchildren (which she wanted very much) was softening the blow of her first born marrying someone that she simply could not abide.

"I'm fine, Mum," Bill assured her. "Or I will be when I find Charlie. When that happens, he won't be fine, but I will."

His mother's face turned instantly stern. "Now, don't you go bothering your brother. He's no happier about this than I—" She caught herself. "Well, he's upset, so you just remember that. He worries about you and the decisions you make which will affect the rest of your life and-"

Bill knew his mother very much wanted to add the word "stupid" before decisions, but was kind enough not to. Charlie wouldn't have been so kind. Charlie wasn't having any of this. Charlie was only here upon threat of death. Charlie had screamed that Bill wasn't supposed to marry that stupid bird, or any bird for that matter. Charlie had got in Bill's face, finger pointing and teeth gritting into a very un-Charlie-like snarl, "You know where you belong. Deep down, you know. You're just too fucking thick-headed to stop lying to yourself. We both know it. We've known it since we were young. I just don't hide who I am. Not like you. I don't need to have a nice normal life that's a complete lie."

Charlie was a pain in Bill's nicely-shaped (if he did say so himself… and he did) arse.

Charlie was an interfering buffoon.

Charlie was thick in the head.

Charlie was… oh, so very right… and Bill wanted to kick him for it. Stupid little brother.

"You haven't checked my room yet, you know," Ron said, breaking into Bill's thoughts.

"What would he be doing up there?"

Ron shrugged. "I'm just saying. You've checked everywhere twice, including the chicken coop, which makes no sense at all, but you haven't checked my room."

Bill took the stairs three at a time, his long legs making easy work of them, until he reached the garishly orange attic bedroom that belonged to his youngest brother. His hand was just about to clasp around the doorknob when Ginny threw herself between Bill and the door.

"You can't go in there."

Bill cocked his head, amused. "And why can't I go in there? Ron says I can go in there. It's Ron's room."

"No, it's not." Ginny's words were hurried, desperate. She glared at Ron, who was standing behind Bill, as though beseeching his assistance.

Bill crossed his arms. "Really? And since when is this not Ron's room?"

"Mum and Dad don't want him anymore. They're throwing him out."

"Oi!" Ron shouted. "They are not. I swear, has everyone in this house gone mad today?" Bill noted that Ron seemed to reconsider. "I mean, they're not, right? Mum's awfully ticked about me not going back to school and-"

Ginny pulled a face and turned her attention from Ron to Bill. "You can't go in here."

"Because it's not Ron's room?" Bill smirked.

"No. Because Fleur's getting dressed, and she's discovered some strange Muggle tradition about not seeing the bride before the wedding or maybe it's a French thing. How should I know? I can't help it if your future bride's insane."

Fleur, of course, chose that moment to call out for her Maman from the bedroom downstairs.

Bill looked pointedly at his baby sister.

"Charlie's not in here!" she shouted, spreading both arms and legs to bar Bill's way.

"Do me a favour, Gin. If Death Eaters ever need to know where I'm not, don't tell them, m'kay?" He attempted to push her aside. "Now move."

"No!"

Bill tried to push through, and Ginny resisted, climbing onto his back like a monkey, fancy wedding apparel and all, suddenly all arms and legs—kicking and scratching, hair pulling and, he was fairly certain she bit his shoulder, in order to keep him out of Ron's room. It was like trying to walk with a rampaging Tasmanian Devil attached to your back. Tasmanian She-devil Sister not withstanding, he made ingress.

"Ron, you could help me out, you know!" Bill said, flinging his arms and failing to dislodge his little sister.

"I could," Ron conceded calmly, "but why would I willingly get in reach of her? I've done it before. It's not fun, Bill."

"You don't say?" Bill shrieked when Ginny pulled what felt like a handful of hair out by the root.

"No, I do say. One time, she kicked me right in the bollocks and—oh, you should watch that left foot of hers. She's a wicked aim and—ooh, too late."

Bill went down in the doorway of Ron's bedroom, the doorknob slipping from his fingers as he tried to cup his injured man bits as he rolled about howling. He only just heard the once sweet voice of his baby sister saying, "I got him, Charlie. Go, go, go!"

And Bill was whooshed away in a myriad of colours and pain, until he landed with a painful yelp in the midst of a forest, right on a sharp rock, and Charlie landed on top of him.

He couldn't decide where he ached most.

"I always was pants at Apparating," Charlie said. "Good thing you were there to cushion my fall."

"So glad to help." Bill moaned and tried to sit up, the world went all 'tilty', and he lay back down to ease the nausea building in his stomach.

"I'm saving you, of course." Charlie said the words so matter-of-factly, that Bill was momentarily at a loss for a response.

"Saving me from…? Ginny? I mean, sure, she's a feisty one, but I think I could have held my own there, Charlie-boy. She is just a little girl."

"Ginny?" Charlie looked perplexed. "Why would I need to save you from Ginny? Ginny was helping me. Ginny's the only one in that family with any kind of balls to stand up to you and tell you when you're being stupid… which is rather troubling now that I think of it, considering her being rather lacking, anatomically speaking."

"So you dragged me from my wedding to—what exactly?"

"Erm, keep you from getting married, Mr Thick Head." Charlie shook his head and rolled his eyes like Bill must be the densest man in the universe. "I swear, how you ever made it out of your first tomb in Egypt is beyond me."

"You've known I was getting married for six months and you choose now, the day of the wedding to drag me off to—where the fuck are we anyway?"

"Well, I thought surely, what with you being Head Boy and all, you'd eventually take your head out of your skinny arse and come to your senses. When it became clear that wasn't happening, Ginny and I had to take matters into our own hands." Charlie gave a long look around the wooded area. "Oh puppy, that's not good."

"What's not good? You don't whisk a bloke into the middle of a jungle and then say 'that's not good'. What the hell is wrong with you? And did you say puppy?" Bill rose warily to his feet.

"First of all, it's a forest, not a jungle. Don't be so dramatic. And, I'm not allowed to say fuck anymore. Mum heard me and clocked me a good one. She won't clock me if I say puppy instead. Everyone loves puppies. Even Mum."

"You are a fucking moron!" Bill shouted, banging his forehead against the nearest tree in frustration.

"Well, when Mum hears you, Mr Nasty Mouth, don't blame me when she puts a knot on your head."

"We're in the middle of fucking nowhere, Charlie! Mum's not going to clock me because she can't hear me. No one can hear me except the bloody birds."

"Woman's got the hearing of a bat. Boy, you're just asking for it." About that time, an acorn fell from a tree and smacked Bill on the top of the head. "That was probably just a warning that she knows you're using foul language."

Bill just shook his head before saying, "You've lost every ounce of sense you ever had. And you didn't have a drop to spare in the first place. Did a dragon hit you upside the head or something?"

"A dragon besides Mum? Not that I remember." He raised his shirt sleeve and pointed to a shiny patch on his forearm. "One burned me good, though, right before I left Romania. Want to see? It messed up my newest tattoo. Poor Trixie. Her ink was just beginning to set up too. A Chinese Fireball that's now kind of a red blob."

"Merlin, I give up." Bill sat down, defeated. "No, I don't want to see!"

"Really? Cause it hurt like puppying hell. Besides, if you'd only seen reason a couple of weeks ago, I'd not had to have Apparated us into the Forest of… Somewhere."

"You have no idea where we are, do you?"

"Erm, well, I know we're somewhere that wasn't where I intended. Paris doesn't have quite so many trees."

"Brilliant deduction, fuckhead."

"Well, I wasn't Head Boy, but I get by." Charlie turned towards his brother with a lopsided grin. "You know, you wouldn't be such a cranky pants if you'd just admit you're gay and stop pretending you actually want to get married and do all this quote-normal-unquote stuff."

"You did not just say quote-unquote."

"I did. And way to side-step that whole Bill is gay as a unicorn statement."

"Unicorns aren't gay… are they?"

"Avoidance much?"

"Annoying much?" Bill retorted.

"Well at least you admit that because you completely are. Merlin, so annoying." Bill had taken a step toward Charlie and they were beginning to circle one another at that point.

Bill went in with a jab, missing Charlie's shoulder by inches. "Says you!"

"You puppyhead!" Charlie shouted, jabbing back and catching Bill in the ribs.

"I'm going to murder you!" Bill lunged and caught Charlie in the stomach with his head. Charlie grabbed Bill's long hair and began to pull, drawing screams of 'let me go' and 'only girls pull hair when they fight'.

"Well, don't have girl-hair, and I won't pull it!" Charlie said as Bill wrestled him to the ground where Charlie, with one hand still tugging away at Bill's red tresses, used his other hand to get in a good girl-slap at Bill's face, his neck, his shoulder, wherever he could.

Bill, with eyes closed to avoid having his vision whapped by Charlie's smacking hand, grabbed blindly and caught Charlie's nose. He clamped down and gave it a good twist.

"Oo wet me go." Charlie sounded like a chicken with a cold.

Bill was starting to think he had the upper hand and might even escape with some of his hair still attached to his scalp when he felt his wand being pulled from his front trouser pocket. "Charlie! Don't you even think about—"

Too late. Charlie did some rapid blinky thing with his eyes, managed to cross his arms despite their scuffle and Bill's wand vanished.

"What the hell did you do?" Bill jumped up forgetting about Charlie's hold on his hair and screamed in pain, when a hand full of fine red threads came out in Charlie's hand.

"I blinked away your wand. Neat trick, huh?" Charlie got up and shook free the hair that had tangled around his fingers, pulling a face of disgust. "See, me and some of the blokes back at the Reserve pooled our money and got a telly a few months back, and there's this bird named Jeannie, and she does this blinky thing and stuff happens. And there's that Major chap who completely does not deserve Jeannie, but he does have a nice arse, and did you know later he becomes J.R. and gets shot? Muggle telly is amazing, I tell you." He seemed to note Bill's growing agitation and tried to get back on track. "Anyway, we started trying Jeannie's blinky thing one night when we got pissed, and what do you know, it actually works!" Charlie scratched his head. "Wonder how come they never taught us blinky magic at Hogwarts, Bill? Jeannie would have made an ace Professor. I mean, she's American and all, but I'm open-minded that way."

"Blink. It. Back. Right. Now." Bill knew his scars made him look fiercer than a normal person when he twisted his lips just right. He gave Charlie his most menacing scowl, breathing hard in his anger.

Charlie took a step backwards. "Well, see, that's the thing about Jeannie. She's a great bird and all, but—"

"Charlie," Bill growled. "Back at home, there's a girl in a wedding dress waiting for me to marry her. Do I have to fucking kill you to get back my wand?"

"As if that would help," Charlie mumbled. He caught Bill's gaze though and continued on in a hurry with his explanation. "Well, see, Jeannie she's real good at her blinky magic, except when she has to bring stuff back. She's not very good at that."

"It's just a show on the telly, Charlie. You blink it back. You blink it back now." Bill took a menacing step forward and Charlie took one in the opposite direction.

"Bill, you need to stop and think about this rationally." Charlie held out his hands in supplication in an attempt at placating his older brother.

"Rationally? Rationally?" Bill laughed maniacally.

"Ooh, when Dr Jekyll does that on channel 42, it's never good." Charlie turned and ran. But Bill's legs were longer and his motivation might have been a bit more focused than Charlie's. Charlie hadn't got three steps before he found himself face down eating pine needles with a large Bill-weight on his back.

Bill pulled Charlie's short, spiky hair in retaliation and dug his knee into Charlie's lower back. "If I can't get my wand back, I'll just take yours." His hand wiggled its way beneath Charlie and tried to get into the front pocket of Charlie's denims. Charlie began blinking rapidly.

"You hold your eyes still. Stop that blinking." Charlie blinked faster, eyelashes fluttering. "Don't do that. I've got it." Bill's hand closed over wood and then suddenly it was gone… to be replaced by wood of a different sort. The kind that was hard and rigid and very, very male.

"Fucking bastard," Bill yelled climbing off Charlie and giving him a slap to the back before falling to the side to sit with his legs crossed as he glared.

"Oi, don't blame me that Little Charlie is all excited when you go getting handsy-grabby with me." Charlie gave Bill's crotch a pointed look. "How's Little Bill feeling about the handsy-grabby match? Is he standing up and taking notice?"

"We are in the middle of the jungle—"

"Forest," Charlie corrected.

Bill glared.

"Forest with jungle-like qualities," Charlie conceded in an attempt at truce.

"We have no wands and no idea where we are, and I'm supposed to have been a married bloke by now, and I don't have a murder weapon to kill you with."

Charlie lay back and put his hands behind his head. "You're very sexy when you're eyebrows go all pointy and your forehead gets a wrinkly and your face turns all red and splotchy… well not so much that last part, but—"

"Charlie, shut up."

"Ooh, and bossy. You know I like it when you're bossy."

"Stop it. I'm tired of playing these ridiculous games with you. It's time to grow up, Charlie. Grow up and do what's expected of you."

Raising up on his elbows, Charlie looked at Bill with pity. "So grow up and get married and have babies and be responsibly miserable, just like you?"

"Well, yeah—I mean, no—I mean I'm not miserable. I'm—"

"Lying to yourself? Delusional? Making a life that may be perfect for some blokes, but is absolutely not for you, and dragging some poor girl into this farce of a marriage with you?"

Bill lobbed a stone at Charlie's head. "I hate you."

Giving a sympathetic shrug Charlie sat up and scooted over beside his brother and threw an arm over Bill's shoulder. "I hate you too," he said, without an ounce of malice, and he patted Bill's leg. "I know you think you were doing what was going to make Mum and Dad happy, and you probably lied to yourself and said this was all a phase and what bloke wouldn't be able to fall in love with Fleur so she was the most sensible choice." He smiled at his brother. "I do get it, you know?"

Bill slumped against Charlie's side. "There's a war going on out there. People are dying. Things may never get better; things could get a lot worse. Seemed like I needed to do something normal, you know?"

"Normal's great for some people. It's not normal if you're pretending to be something you're not. Mum's worried sick about you."

"Mum hates Fleur."

"Well, hate's a strong word." Bill pulled a face and Charlie looked away quickly. "Though it's probably fair to say if Mum had a Jeannie, she'd have sent Fleur where our wands are."

Their eyes met and they could not contain their laughter.

"I mean, Mum was all for me getting you out of there and getting you to admit what she's known for years."

Bill's mouth fell open. "You told Mum about me and you?"

"What the fuck have you been smoking?" Charlie shook his head. "Did you want me to give the poor old girl a heart attack? My gay sons who will never give me grandchildren have also been fucking for years. Gods Bill! Have a heart."

Bill grabbed Charlie by the neck and kissed him to shut him up. Charlie responded with enthusiasm, biting Bill's lips, drawing blood, and before Bill knew what had happened Charlie was straddling his legs and grinding down against his crotch.

"Fleur's going to kill me. I left her standing at the altar."

"Yeah, you're a real douche."

Bill glared at his younger brother. "I hate you."

"You've mentioned that before… recently even." Charlie ground his hips down again and Bill groaned. "If that's how you act when you hate people, I'd love to see how you act around people you love."

Charlie gave a little yip when Bill growled and bucked him off. Bill ripped open his dress robes and opened his trousers beneath, pulling his cock out and palming it. "Suck it!" Bill commanded.

Charlie tsked. "It's really no wonder you can't catch a man if that's your idea of foreplay."

"You dragged me to the middle of nowhere, embarrassed me in front of friends and family, and lost my wand and your own… are you really going to try and tell me how to be seductive now?"

"Well, I just—"

"Charlie!"

"Eep! No need to shout."

"Take your fucking trousers off." Charlie complied. "The pants too." Charlie looked apprehensive, but he did what he was told.

"We don't have any lube or anything, Bill, in case you've—" Charlie didn't get to finish his sentence. Bill growled and Charlie made haste to unfasten his belt, tug down his trousers and pants and kick them aside.

"Maybe you should talk to Jeannie about the reason we have no lube."

Glaring Charlie looked upon his brother with disapproval. "Don't hate on Jeannie. She's just misunderstood. She does her best."

Bill ignored him. "The shirt too," he demanded.

Charlie pulled his shirt off, only getting his head stuck once.

"Big head," Bill said with a snort.

"It's cause my brain's so big, it requires a big head to hold it in."

Bill snorted when Charlie's head finally broke free. "You look stupid standing there in nothing but your socks and shoes. Take them off, shit for brains."

Charlie snarled, but complied and then got down on his knees as Bill slid his own trousers and pants down to his knees and stroked his cock in his hand. He wiggled his finger and motioned Charlie to come forward.

"You've dragged me from my wedding, shamed me in front of my family and pretty much ruined my life—"

Charlie scoffed and sputtered. "I did it for your own good."

Bill was having none of it. "No excuses. The only thing I'm accepting from the likes of you is a very thorough sucking of my cock, Charlie-boy."

"You prick." Charlie said, bending down to suck his brother's cock.

"I've been called worse."

Charlie swirled his tongue around the head. "No doubt you earned every insult. You really are insufferable."

Bill brought his hand down sharply on Charlie's arse.

"OWWW! What the fuck?"

"Stop talking and start sucking, or I'll spank your arse until you can't sit for a week."

"This is a fine thank you for saving you from a loveless marriage and living a lie." Bill raised his hand threateningly. "Okay, okay, I'm sucking, you big fucking prat."

Bill slid a finger into his mouth and then between Charlie's cheeks, circling Charlie's arsehole in a teasing manner and sniggering when Charlie sucked in a breath. Bill slipped in his forefinger to just past the nail and Charlie wriggled back for more.

"Whore," Bill whispered.

"Tease," Charlie retorted, glaring when Bill shoved his little brother's head back down onto his cock. Charlie was nothing if not artful with his tongue. He sucked and swirled and twisted the base until Bill was groaning and thrusting and teetering on the edge of ecstasy… and then he quit.

"What the hell?" Bill complained.

"Oi, I saved you from fathering a litter of kids. You're responsible for your own orgasm." Charlie began stroking his own cock. "I got my own to worry about." The words were no sooner out of Charlie's mouth before he was shooting his seed over Bill's thigh.

Bill glared. "Really, Charlie? Really?"

Chuckling, Charlie shrugged. "Man, that was a-maz-ing."

Bill looked down at his withering cock and back at his brother. Charlie must have noted the death-glare, because he stopped only long enough to get his shoes before running off, bare-arsed through the forest.

One week later…

Charlie was in the middle of television night at the Reserve with three of his best mates when a loud tapping came at his cabin door.

"Be right back," Charlie said, then turned back and glared at Gabe. "Don't you eat my popcorn. I'll just be a sec."

He opened the door to find his big brother smiling on his top step.

"Bill? What are you doing here? Gods, you're not getting hitched again, are you?"

"Nah, but Mum got me a Muggle telly last week and I've been watching the hell out of Dallas reruns, but the fucking thing left me Friday on a cliffhanger. Figured this might be the place to go if I wanted to find out who shot J.R.?"

Charlie grinned wider than Bill had ever seen him grin. "Cause you totally thought it was Sue Ellen, right?"

"It's completely Sue Ellen."

"Pish, I have no idea how you ever made Head Boy. Come on in, moron." Charlie yelled back over his shoulder at his mates. "My brother's here. The dumb one. He thinks Sue Ellen shot J.R."

The laughter sounding out the door had Bill shaking his head.

The End

*Additional Author's Notes:

Charlie's use of "puppy" in place of "fuck" came directly from an episode of Friends that I happened to be watching when I started this fic.

"Blinky magic" of course came from I Dream of Jeannie—God, IDEK where my brain went, but it was a hoot to write.

If you have never seen Dallas, then I completely judge you! Actually, it probably means you're a lot younger than me and I only judge you to make myself feel less old. *grins* Seriously, though it was so much fun to be asked to write crack!fic and imagining Charlie watching 1980's syndicated soap operas was too much fun not to play around with. I hope it pleased.