Several months ago, my friend and beta Meiyl told me to write a fanfic involving FMA and unicorns. You're welcome. :D

Unicorn Whisperer

Roy Mustang was not happy when his subordinates returned back to East Headquarters after investigating a dodgy alchemist who was involved in illicit chimera development. When Lieutenant Hawkeye and Master Sergeant Fuery showed up at headquarters with a fearsome-looking, horned, horselike creature chained behind them, Mustang was not looking forward to having to explain it to anyone, but especially not to the Fullmetal Alchemist.

"What the hell is that?" asked Ed suspiciously, pointing at the beast. He had only asked the one question, and already he was grating on Mustang's nerves.

"A half-horse chimera of some sort," piped in Fuery, flipping through the papers on his clipboard. "Dr. Talos named it Specimen Fifty-two. Uh... he wrote that the other creature involved in the transmutation was something called an... elasmotherium?"

"Give me that, Sergeant," barked Mustang, holding out his hand for the clipboard. "Show me the word again." Fuery nervously pointed it out to the colonel. "I've never heard of an animal with a name like that. What—"

"It's a large herbivorous mammal that lives on the plains, sir," Hawkeye informed him. "I have read about them, but they are quite rare."

Havoc squinted as he appraised the chimera. "Well, I dunno what an elasmo-whatsit is, but this thing sure looks a lot like a—" He abruptly shut his mouth as he caught sight of Mustang's death glare.

If Ed noticed Mustang's irritation, he didn't give any indication that he cared. "A unicorn." He wrinkled his nose and crossed his arms. "Seriously, a unicorn? This Talos guy could make a chimera out of nearly anything, and he decided to make a girly fairy-tale pony?"

"It isn't a unicorn, Fullmetal," Mustang said through gritted teeth. "It's a highly dangerous chimera."

Ed snorted. "Yeah, yeah. So why did Talos give it to the military? What use do we have for some stupid unicorn?"

"Colonel Mustang just said it was a chimera, Brother, not a—"

"Shut it, Al," growled Ed, as Mustang scowled and Hawkeye gave a long-suffering sigh. "I just want to know what we have to do with it."

Since Mustang looked seconds away from an aneurysm, Havoc was laughing surreptitiously into his hand, and Fuery was busy figuring out how to pronounce all the words on his clipboard, Hawkeye took it upon herself to respond to Ed. "We confiscated it, actually. This is one of the more vicious chimeras that Dr. Talos made, and it was becoming a serious danger to him and to his neighbors." She indicated the creature's sturdy legs. "It is very strong, and capable of galloping at great speeds. If we can train it, East Command will be in possession of a powerful weapon."

"The problem, though," said Fuery, pushing up his glasses, "is that it tries to gore anyone who goes near it."

"But it looks so nice!" Al said. He took a few steps toward the chimera, but sprang back quickly when it issued a guttural snarl and stamped its hind foot hard enough to make the ground tremble.

"Right... nice. This isn't a kitten, Al." Ed rolled his eyes.

Al crossed his arms with a clank. "I bet it's just scared. Why don't you try calming it down, Brother?"

"Careful!" Hawkeye warned as Ed reluctantly approached the creature. He didn't need telling twice. This thing looked like it wanted to eat him for breakfast, automail and all.

But to his surprise, when he reached out his metal hand to the horned horse, it looked at him curiously and butted its head against the automail, obviously wanting to be petted. Ed groaned. "This is so stupid. Why am I standing around here with this dumb old unicorn? I have better things to do!" He made to move away, but the chimera growled menacingly and almost reared up in agitation. Ed huffed and continued petting it, which seemed to appease it again.

"It likes you, Brother," Al said proudly. Ed rolled his eyes.

"It does seem to prefer your presence to anyone else's," Fuery commented.

"That's not my problem!" Ed crossed his arms; the chimera looked at him grumpily, wanting him to continue patting its head. "Colonel, you're the one who's responsible for this thing. I'm certainly not gonna be the one taming it."

Hawkeye frowned. "Edward, you are the only person that the chimera has allowed to approach it. All of our trained animal specialists were unable to move toward it without it showing severe hostility."

"Looks like you're our go-to unicorn man, Fullmetal," Havoc said, laughing.

"It is not a unicorn, for the last time!" Mustang growled, a vein pulsing in his temple.

Ed groaned. "Come on! What do you want me to do, get it to sit, stay, and roll over? I can't do anything with it!"

Hawkeye clapped a hand to his shoulder. "You could be very helpful to us if you agreed to stand beside it while we attempt to train it out of its more violent behaviors. You really are the only one who has been able to subdue it."

Scowling, Edward considered for a minute. "Will you pay me extra if I do?"

"Like hell I will—" Mustang started, but Hawkeye cut him off with a dangerous glance.

"I'll make sure that you're fully compensated if you agree to the additional responsibility. It should only be for a few days, until we can get it well-behaved enough to be transferred to a chimera-housing facility."

"All right," Ed grumbled. "I guess you won't let me not do it."

"This is so exciting, Brother!" Al exclaimed. "You're so lucky. I wish it would let me touch it."

"Let's just get it out of here." Mustang pointed to the chimera's thick, chained leash. "Take that, Fullmetal, and we'll get this thing into an isolated corral somewhere."

Havoc was positively cackling. "We've got ourselves our very own unicorn whisperer!"

Edward dropped the leash and started toward Havoc, murder in his eyes. "Watch it, Ed!" Hawkeye shouted. The chimera began lumbering after him, horn lowered, charging at the two of them with a terrifying roar.

It took several more minutes of Ed stroking the chimera's mane before it would calm down again. He ended up being stuck with the thing for the entire afternoon as the soldiers spent hours trying to coax it into its new paddock. Everyone saw that Ed was the only one who could touch the beast without putting himself in danger of being impaled through the gut.

Somehow Havoc's nickname of "unicorn whisperer" stuck. To Ed's outrage, everyone began calling him the Unicorn Whispering Alchemist for the next several days. With any luck, they'd all forget about it by the end of next month... but Mustang would certainly never let him live it down.