Disclaimer: I do not own the characters within, nor am I making any money off of this story. All I own are the twisted ideas floating around in my head.

Warning: Crack. Sweet, sweet crack. Mentions of cross-faction and xeno and crack.

Notes: Thank you to WyntirRose for betaing and egging this monster on and to LuneNightingale who needs some crack in her life

It was your typical Wednesday evening at the Ark.

Mechs were going about their everyday business of running the Autobot army and down in sublevel 3, Smokescreen was hosting his weekly therapy sessions.

Energon goodies were laid out neatly on a table in the back while the energon dispenser was in near constant use as the various mechs of Smokescreen's Wednesday therapy group got settled down and just unwound for a little while.

As the tone in the room became mellow enough, the Datsun made a polite noise that got everyone's attention and offered the small group of Autobots a warm smile.

"Did everyone get some energon goodies? Good, let's be seated then. Omega Supreme, are you online? Is the video feed working correctly? Can you hear okay?"

"Acknowledged," the huge Guardian Robot's deep voice boomed as his face took up the entirety of the video feed playing on the monitor.

With all the charm of a kindergarten teacher, Smokescreen smiled and patiently steered Blaster towards a seat. When he noticed Blaster dawdling, the diversionary tactician and the closest thing the Autobots had to a psychologist just offered him a steel-laced smile that swiftly had the effect of getting the communications officer to sit the frag down.

"Now, this week's topic is going to be 'How to love myself when I love the enemy'." Unease cycled through the small group of Autobots and Smokescreen easily read the shame and even outright rebellion on some of the mechs' faceplates.

"Man, this is lame," Blaster muttered and looked anywhere but at the other mechs making up the small semi-circle around Smokescreen.

"You have to let go of that bitterness, Blaster or it's going to eat you up inside," Skyfire pointed out soberly.

Smokescreen smiled just as pleased as pie. He couldn't have said it better himself. Of course, compared to some of the train wrecks he was facing tonight, Skyfire was the model of mental health in comparison.

No. Stop. Think positive! Train wrecks have such a negative connotation.

Smokescreen firmly reminded himself before clearing his vents to get everyone's attention. "Now, Blaster, why don't you get us started?"

"Man, Smokey….you got it all wrong. I ain't supposed to be here," Blaster protested bitterly. The looks of disappointment and disapproval being sent his way shut the communications officer up for a moment before he continued in obvious discomfort. "I don't love Soundwave. Frag! I hate the son of a glitch and there ain't a 'bot in here who would fault me."

"It's very easy to mix up feelings of anger and even hate when your emotional protocols start going wild. Sometimes you can experience the same thing all at the same time. It just makes things harder to differentiate when you're 'in the moment' as they say."

"Oh please, who does he think he's fooling?" Slingshot piped up sarcastically. "We've all seen these 'reconnoiter missions' he goes on. And comes home all scuffed up and with navy blue paint all over him. Heads up, Blaster, mechs tend to notice your brightly painted aft sneaking in and out of base."

"You wanna start something, Slingshot?" Blaster snapped. He would have jumped out of his seat if Skyfire hadn't judiciously slung an arm over his lap to keep the tape deck from attacking. "You and your slagging obsession with those damned Seekers and you think you got the ball bearings to get my face?"

"Hey, at least I admit who I am and who's tailfins I wanna have rubbing up against me."

"So you can you actually pick just one?"

"Why? Jealous?" Slingshot taunted with a smirk before slanting a mischievous look first Omega and then at Grapple and Hoist.

Smokescreen barely stifled his groan.

"So wait, all three of you are panting after the Construticons? What? Are they just really that great in the berth? Do you take on all six at the same time?" The Harrier asked bluntly

"Slingshot…."

"Huh…makes me wonder about gestalts now." Slingshot continued despite Smokescreen's obvious frustration.

"This is ridiculous, I see no reason I should be here. I never even touched Starscream," Red Alert said stiffly.

"Children! Children, please. Back to your corners." Smokescreen's voice was carefully pitched to carry over the arguing mechs. "This is getting very old, gentlemechs." The Datsun pinned the Harrier with a hard look. "And if you keep interrupting group session, I'm going to kick you out again."

"Please! Kick me out!" Blaster eagerly leapt upon the chance to escape his weekly session in Hell.

"No can do, mech. You're here under doctor's orders. Same for you, Red Alert," he reminded the SD a trifle sharply.

"Yeah….your orders," the communications mech snorted irritably.

"Both of you need to work through your complex feelings for your respective issues or it's going to fester inside of you. Now, I'm the doctor here and unless one of you has advanced psychological programming that I don't know about? If so, I welcome you to try and run this group session?"

Thankfully, no one was stupid enough to say anything.

Unfortunately, that was when Powerglide decided to poke his head in the door. "Hey, is this where the Organic Preferences meeting is being held?"

Smokescreen counted to five.

"No, that's one hallway over, third door on your right. I think Skids put a poster of some kind out there with 'How to date an organic when you can't stop being the car' written on it," Skyfire helpfully supplied.

"Oh, uh…thanks," Powerglide mumbled as he headed off in the direction Skyfire had indicated

"Have fun screwing your squishies, ya fragging perv." Slingshot of course. It was always Slingshot.

"That's it. You. Out." Smokescreen lost his tenuous hold on his temper and jabbed a finger at the disruptive Harrier.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the Aerialbot scoffed unimpressed.

"And tomorrow, Silverbolt and I are going to have a very long talk. Now leave," the Datsun managed before clenched dentals. That threat however seemed to have the desired effect on the young mech and he slunk out of the room with a dark look in Smokescreen's direction.

"He's very….young," Skyfire sighed quietly.

"Forget him. Slingshot has his own issues and honestly, I think for tonight, we're better off without him. I want to get serious here," Smokescreen said quietly. "How many of us have known our loved ones….convenient berth mates…." This was said with a look in Blaster's direction. "….have we known since before the war? Since before all this broke out?"

To start things off, Smokescreen raised his hand unwaveringly up. "I'd known Swindle for vorns. Long before this war broke out."

He was vaguely gratified to see Skyfire and Blaster reluctantly raise their hands.

"Frag, at the beginning I wanted him so much, I was tempted to join the Decepticons so I could be with him." This was not greeted as openly as his previous statement.

"Note: Hand is raised." Omega Supreme put in, knowing the others could not see his hand considering all they could see was his impassive faceplates.

"I too wanted to join them so that I might be with Starscream," Skyfire admitted, subdued. "For me, it had been a few hours but for him, it had been hundreds of vorns."

The shuttle glanced at each mech in the room solemnly.

"The war had changed him….he had changed and I barely even recognize the Starscream I once knew. And that's hard for me to accept sometimes."

"Of course it is; you're trying to reconcile the mech you once knew, the one your memory banks still remember and the mech he is today."

Sitting in the back of the room, Grapple and Hoist looked distinctly uncomfortable. "But we'd never even met the Constucticons. They just…seduced us intellectually."

"Constructicons: Persuasive," Omega Supreme pointed out as quietly as a mech of his stature could manage.

"I understand and your situation is very similar to Red Alert's."

"What? I'm nothing like them! It was a glitch, nothing else!" Red Alert snapped overly defensive. "I didn't willingly associate with Starscream."

Both Grapple and Hoist leveled unfriendly looks his way.

"Red Alert, I want you to take that self-loathing you're trying to reflect onto Grapple and Hoist and use it in a constructive manner."

Before Smokescreen could get any further, another mech interrupted his session as Tracks yanked open the door and was all but shoved in the room amidst a furious argument going on between him and the normally even-keeled Bumblebee.

"I'm telling you this is a mistake! These sorts of things happen all the time. How the frag was I supposed to know my gear shift would be that sensitive? I hardly want Raoul. Surely you know how it is with Spike….." Tracks argued loudly only to belatedly realize he was most definitely in the wrong room.

"That's why we're coming to his session so get a move on. Don't you want to be able to tell the difference between a friendly touch and something more…" And with one final shove, Bumblebee managed to maneuver the corvette into the room. "Huh. We're in the wrong room, aren't we?"

"One hallway over, third door on the right... Look for the sign," Smokescreen said wearily.

"Thanks! Come on, Tracks..." And with that, the indomitable force that was Bumblebee dragged the protesting Tracks back out of the room.

"Of for crying out loud..."

"You were saying, Smokescreen?" Skyfire tried his best to get things back on track. He was ever the optimist.

"Why don't we cut out early today? There is no way we're going to get anything productive done if people keep walking into the room. I need to go have a talk with Skids. Same time next week?"

Blaster looked like he'd gotten a reprieve from Primus himself and wasted no time in booking for the door followed swiftly by an equally hasty Red Alert.

Grapple and Hoist both slinked out of the room after the SD to give him a piece of their minds on the subject of their loyalty to the Autobot cause.

"Never a dull moment is there? Thank you, Smokey. I'll talk to you next week," Skyfire said with a warm smile.

"I'll look forward to it, Skyfire. Goodnight." And once the shuttle left, Smokescreen spent a minute drafting an email to Skids explaining they'd need to find some way of staggering days for their meetings considering Skid's wayward chicks kept wandering into his classroom.

After that, he left the sub-basement level of the Ark and made his way up to the main deck. He was on a mission and had a mech to grill.

"Jazz, I need a 20 on Prime," he barked into his comm unit.

"Prime is in his office, Smokescreen."

"Thank you," the Datsun said curtly before heading in the direction of their commander's office.

He punched the call button multiple times but got no response.
"Open up, Prime. I know you're in there,"

Smokescreen continued to punch the call button. "I'm not leaving till you open this fragging door."

Optimus eventually opened the door to greet his unwanted guest.

It was hard to read Prime's expression with the battlemask but he did a fair job radiating discomfort. "Good evening, Smokescreen. Was there something I can do for you?" the Autobot commander said, looking more like a sparkling who got caught with his hand in the energon goodie jar.

"You missed group." Smokescreen was not buying the innocent act.

"That was tonight? Oh dear…it must have slipped my mind. It's been a crazy day, let me tell you. First the Decepticon attack the other day and now smoothing things over with the humans. I'll be certain I clear my schedule for next week though."

"That won't be necessary," the Datsun said with an eerily calm smile.

"It won't?" Optimus asked, wondering if his audios were malfunctioning.

"No, I can fit you in now." With a decidedly predatory smile, Smokescreen gestured for Prime to let him in.

And with all the reluctance of a mech going off to face the executioner, Optimus let

Pairings: (in case they were not overt enough?)

Smokescreen/Swindle, Skyfire/Starscream, Blaster/Soundwave, Grapple/Hoist/Constructicons, Omega Supreme/Constructicons (those sexy beasts), Slingshot/Any 'con with wings, Optimus/Megatron, Tracks/Raoul, Skids/Charlotte, Bumblebee/Spike, Powerglide/Astoria.