Claude Faustus And The Spectacles Of Doom

Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji or any of its characters. If I did, they would all be nudists and thus everyone would be that much happier.

Summary: What happens when Alois makes Claude wear those Harry Potter glasses for a whole day?

There were times where Alois was a cruel master to Claude. Very cruel. But on this particular day, his master had made a request first thing that morning, one so diabolical that the demon was sure Alois wanted him to die.

"Claude?" Alois asked as he was being dressed for the day.

"Yes?" the demon replied indifferently.

"You know those glasses you had on last night….?"

"Yes. What of them, Master?"

"I want you to wear them for the whole day." He grinned devilishly as his butler paused in buttoning up his vest.

"…What?"

"Claude, you heard me!"

Claude peered up at the young boy, his expression unreadable as always, but there was something under the surface that Alois could easily detect; uncertainty. "But, Master…I can't see anything with them on. They make my vision outlandishly blurry."

Alois glared at him. "Claude, it is an order. If you don't do it, I'm going to shit all over your room again!"

"Master, I don't HAVE a bedroom. You've forbidden me from having my own room. Have you forgotten?"

Not a moment passed before the nasty look on Alois' face vanished, replaced with confusion. "If that wasn't your room…Then whose…? Oh, never mind. It doesn't matter." He smiled brightly. "Just keep those glasses on and no cheating by peaking around the rims, okay?"

Sighing in defeat, Claude said, "Yes, Your Highness," and finished dressing his master. Once done with that task, he stood erect and replaced his glasses with those…God-awful abominations. He bowed, excusing himself to go prepare breakfast before turning to leave, promptly walking right into the wall rather than out the door. His hand flew to his nose as he grunted from smashing it against the wall, but thankfully it was fine. He eventually found the door by patting the wall and slipped out of the room with another word of pardon.

Alois had never been more entertained.

Breakfast had went off without a hitch only because Hannah had forbidden Claude from even lifting a finger when she found out he couldn't see anything. How she found this out? Melons were to be part of the morning's menu and Claude went searching for them. He grabbed two of them, but they weren't the right kind of melons and Hannah had cracked him over the head with a skillet until she realized it was purely an accident.

Claude remained stationary next to a grumpy Alois in the dining hall after the triplets had helped guide him there as Hannah prepared the food.

"Claude?" the blonde groused.

"Yes?"

"Why are you not making breakfast?"

"Hannah took over because these glasses are preventing me from doing my duties properly."

"Are you really going to listen to that wench?"

"After finding out what she can do with a skillet, yes."

"Claude, when breakfast is over, you're going to do the dishes by yourself and that's an order.

"Yes, Your Highness." At that moment, Claude was pondering what he'd done to deserve such a crappy life.

As per order, Claude returned to the kitchen - with the help of the triplets, who were waiting just outside of the dining room - to do the dishes while the three of them and Hannah stood off to the side to watch. While Claude was able to wash the dishes, he was having a bit of difficulty setting them in the drying rack. Every time he went to place a dish there, he missed entirely and the fine china shattered on the floor. Strangely enough, Claude seemed oblivious of all the noise because he thought he was actually getting them into the rack.

"I am finished," he announced as he moved to exit the kitchen, slipping on the wet pile of broken dishes and landing with a thud and a grunt on his back.

"Claude, do you need…help?" Hannah asked, looking at the doorway behind her to make sure Alois wasn't around. She didn't want him to punish her for simply trying to help Claude.

"I'm fine," he said with some effort and he got himself back onto his feet. "Just…point me where the door is."

Hannah backed out of the room. "Follow my voice, Claude. Just don't-" Before she could warn him to be wary of the broken dishes on the floor, he fell again after stepping on them.

Eyelid twitching, the butler grumbled, "I hate my life."

Claude was more than grateful when the triplets brought him a cane so he could navigate his way around the mansion, but when Alois saw this, he shouted at his butler for "cheating" and punished him by breaking the cane over his head. When he regained consciousness two hours later, his master happily announced that it was time to go grocery shopping.

"Master, you've never wanted to go grocery shopping before. Why now?"

"Because it'll be fun. Come on, Claude!" Smiling wide, he put Claude's arm in a vice grip with both of his own as he pulled the demon around the mansion and out the front door.

It is unsure by even the Trancy staff themselves how Alois had acquired the rather modern-styled machine he referred to as a car, but they asked no questions about it. It went much faster than a horse and made traveling a hell of a lot easier and that's all they needed to know.

Alois shoved the keys into Claude's hand before they climbed into the vehicle. Claude was questioning to himself whether this was a good idea but even if it wasn't - and it clearly wasn't - he really had no choice on the matter. He had to listen to his master, otherwise he would probably find something bigger to break over his head.

"This is so exciting!" Alois squealed, rubbing his hands together in anticipation like a child. "Claude, don't be afraid to go as fast as you can. In fact, I order you to go as fast as you can!"

Claude said nothing in reply. He put the key in the ignition, started the car, and drove as fast as the machine would allow.

If there had been a speed limit at that time, it would have definitely been broken. Claude had no idea how fast, or even where, he was going but his master seemed to be having a blast. Alois had turned on the radio and he was singing along with Dick In A Box, a song that wouldn't be recorded for over a century.

Over the music blasting from the radio and his master's loud singing, Claude could hear the screams of random pedestrians as the car swerved in every which way. Alois was either enjoying the shrieks of terror or he wasn't able to hear them over himself and the radio. Whatever the case, he was more preoccupied with sitting backwards in his seat, on his knees, while he swayed his hips and his buttocks to the beat of the song.

Both of them grunted suddenly; Claude from the car jumping and jerking as it ran over something and Alois as the motions caused him to hit his head on the roof of the car.

"Ouch!" Alois hissed.

Claude immediately began turning his head left and right as though that would help him see what he'd hit. "What was that?"

"I hit my head, Claude!"

"No, what did we hit?"

"You killed one of the triplets!"

"…I did what?"

Alois smiled and clapped his hands together again as he plopped himself back down in his seat. "It's okay. We have two more."

Only when the car ran over a second individual and Claude nearly ran into a building did the boy begin to worry about his safety.

"C-Claude," he stammered as they drove over a particularly bumpy street. "Slow down! We're going to die!"

Claude, being whipped to and fro and side to side in his seat from all the commotion, began to reply with his typical, "Yes, Your Hi-" when suddenly the car crashed right into a gas lamp. While Claude remained seated, Alois flew forward, flying through the windshield with a shout and the loud noise of breaking glass. He landed with a heavy thump on the ground a few feet away.

Coincidentally, Sebastian happened to walk by the scene a split second after it occurred, carrying a bundle of kittens in his arms. He paused to assess the situation, laughed, and then threw one of the kittens at Alois' unconscious form like a rock before he went on his way again.

Amazingly, Alois was unharmed despite flying straight through the windshield and landing on the hard sidewalk. After he had awoken from his traumatic accident minutes later, he took the keys from Claude and drove them home even though Claude's blind driving was actually safer than Alois'. There, the boy punished his butler by making him do tasks that would surely kill him with those dreaded glasses on, such as cleaning the pool and retiling the roof.

Not too long after Alois requested these chores, he was growing rather lonesome by himself and went off in search of Claude.

"Claude!" he called out. "Claude, where are you? Come here! I'm bored and I tried to read a book, but I forgot I don't know how!"

As he passed by the guest bedroom, he heard pained moans pouring out from its ajar door. Curious, he peeked in, catching Claude's broken, heavily-bandaged form laying on the bed.

"Claude!" the blond gasped as he ran to the bedside, surveying the damage done to Claude's body. "What happened to you?"

"I was only doing what you asked, Master." Claude's voice was weak. "I ended up getting hurt worse than I thought. The remaining triplets had to help me after I fell from the roof and into the pool…again."

"Oh, Claude…" The boy seemed sincerely apologetic as he ran his delicate fingers over the side of the demon's face after removing the rounded glasses and placing them on the bedside table. He climbed onto the bed and, taking care not to discomfort Claude more than he already was, laid next to him, wrapping his willowly arms around Claude's broader form and settled his head on his butler's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Claude…I should never have ordered you to wear those glasses…even though it was funny."

Claude was taken completely by surprise at his master's rare display of regret and responded by taking Alois in his arms as well. "It's alright. It doesn't hurt that much."

"But it does hurt at least a little bit, so I'm going to make you feel better. I'll…I'll tell you a story! I was trying to read before, but I guess I could read to you, except I'll have to make it up as I go along. Would that make you feel better, Claude?" By the time he finished speaking, Alois seemed excited by his idea.

Claude, captivated by his enthusiasm, broke his usual apathetic expression by giving him the slightest of smiles. "Yes, Your Highness, it would."

"Okay! Well, um…Once upon a time, there was a nun and a prostitute…"

As absurd as the story unfolding was, Claude listened intently as Alois told of this nun and this prostitute going on adventures and getting into fights with pirates and ninjas and even somehow incorporated Ciel and Sebastian in there.

As the eve approached and dinner had been laid out in the dining room, Hannah went to summon her master, but first took a detour to check on Claude. What she found made her stop in her tracks for a moment, then she smiled.

Alois and Claude were tangled in each other's arms, both breathing softly as they dozed peacefully.

Quietly taking her leave, Hannah grabbed the handle and gently shut the door.

I hope you guys liked it! This was my first Kuro fanfic and I was inspired to write it after watching the last OVA. I loved Claude's glasses and I randomly thought it would be hilarious is they actually messed up his vision and Alois ordered him to wear them.